add your funny TRIAGE complaints from pts

Specialties Emergency

Published

Hey all new to the board, thought we could share some strang encounters in triage......

...as the 24yr male entered triage I asked what's wrong today? He replies my "ovories" hurt...... there is a time for pt education and there is a time when it's not....this is clearly one of those time its not.....

Whats yours?

JBL:sofahider

Specializes in ER, Trauma, ICU/CCU/NICU, EMS, Transport.

A "regular" comes to triage and tells the RN,

"I have pseudo-seizures, and I'm fixing' to have one...."

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"can't breed"

this from a SOB mother of 5.

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Parents of a 3 month old infant "he goes cross-eyed sometimes"

Parents of a breast fed infant " mustard colored poop"

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Specializes in TraumaER ,NICUx2days, HEMEONC CathLab IV.

John, my work Husband called and reported he had a PT. complaint of ,,,"imported bowels". :confused:

He was aggravated because he is working at triage and can barely afford imported beer much less imported bowels.:no:

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Specializes in Emergency.

A group of about 6 women came in to be tested for STD because the child of one of them had cold sores (herpes) and "We all been keeping him and that's contagious." Ummm, what exactly do you with the baby when you baby sit?

One man's chief complaint, "My wife won't put out." Exactly what kind of services do you think we provide? I definitely don't get paid enough. The local prostitute inn is down the street.

And the 6 year old boy, missing school, brought in by his mother for dandruff.

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Nurse: " What brings you to the ER today?"

Pt:" Something going on down there"

Nurse: "Down where?"

Pt: "Down there" Pointing below the counter

Nurse: " Mamam, where down there?" (Pointing for effect)

Pt: " You know down there where I heat hotdogs"

Nurse: "What?"

Pt: " I warm hotdogs for my babydaddy down there and I think one is stuck and stinking"

:barf01:

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Specializes in LTC/Rehab,Med/Surg, OB/GYN, Ortho, Neuro.
Nurse: " What brings you to the ER today?"

Pt:" Something going on down there"

Nurse: "Down where?"

Pt: "Down there" Pointing below the counter

Nurse: " Mamam, where down there?" (Pointing for effect)

Pt: " You know down there where I heat hotdogs"

Nurse: "What?"

Pt: " I warm hotdogs for my babydaddy down there and I think one is stuck and stinking"

:barf01:

Ooooh, that one made me pause on my breakfast. What in the world are some people thinkging??? Oh, wait, they're not.

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I've also had the virginity verification request once.

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Psych patient who od'd on a bottle of herbal supplements of some sort "I'm in cardiac arrest...now I'm back...I'm arresting again now." His male friend was wearing a grass skirt.

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Specializes in ED, Tele, Med/surg, Psych, correctional.

When I am 8 cards deep in triage, I usually grab the cards and look at the age and complaint to determine who I take next. Obviously the 80 yr old who c/o "chest pain" is getting triaged before the 18 yr old c/o "boil on my butt". It gets sticky when they sign in with vague complaints and you just don't know where to start:

My favorites:

"SICK"

"PERSONAL"

"EVERYTHING"

The scariest one I ever saw? "BIT BY A TIGER".

Turns out we have a contract with Great Adventure and one of the handlers got scratched while feeding the tigers in the safari. Scared the heck out of me at first though!

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Specializes in ED staff.

What's going on with you today? to an 85 year old woman. "Dr. SonSo sent me over today cause I have a fickling passion." Do what? "Yeah, my bowels ain't moved in a week." (fecal impaction)

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Specializes in Peds/Neo CCT,Flight, ER, Hem/Onc.

Well-dressed 30 something male.

Me: And what is your complaint today.

Patient: I have congenital heart disease.

Me: Congenital heart disease sir?

Patient: Yes and I know it's very bad.

Me: And how long have you had this problem? (trying not to snicker)

Patient: Oh for at least a week now. I think I'm dying.

Me: Sir who told you you have congenital heart disease? (biting inside of mouth so as not to bust out laughing at this point)

Patient: I looked it up on the internet and I'm sure that is what I have.

Me: Sir do you know what congenital heart disease is?

Patient: All I know is that I have it and I'm going to need surgery.

Me: Well I can assure you that at 30 years of age you do not have congenital heart disease because that is a problem with newborn babies.

Patient: Are you sure I couldn't have had it this long and never known it?

Me: Quite sure sir. (eyes watering from suppressing large belly laughs)

Patient: Oh, then maybe it really is heartburn like my girlfriend said.

He went home with a script for Nexium.

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