About apologizing

Nurses General Nursing

Published

Speaking mostly to employee relationships..

What's your comfort level with it?

Does it feel like you're conceding everything?

I had the most impactful experience several years ago with needing to make an awkward apology.

It was with someone who was very chatty. Heart as big as the universe but chatty. The kind where you slowly back out of the room nodding and saying uh huh over and over because it was very hard to end the conversation.

One day I was in a hurry with a lot still to do per usual back when I first started. My days easily went 12 hrs. I arrived to see a patient and she was still there. She had gone over her time with the patient and was working through my appointed time. She was notorious for that and I was frustrated as soon as I saw that she wasn't finished. I said something not trying to be blatantly rude but in attempt to get her to wrap things up.

I knew I had gone over the line and she had been so gracious anyway. I later went to my admin to talk about it. She understood where my frustration had come in but suggested I just go and apologize. Crap I didn't want to have that conversation, I didn't have a problem with the apology so much as I didn't want to have the conversation.

Well I did it. She said I was a little snippy and then forgave me.

I went to her funeral a couple of years later, complications from a simple accident.

That got me over any discomfort I ever had with talking directly with anyone regardless if anyone was at fault or not. The thought of carrying some knee jerk impatient remark with me forever was worse than any awkward moment I might have.

Up Vote Up Vote ×
Specializes in Critical Care.

I have no problem apologizing. I can come across as blunt and snappy, especially if I'm stressed. What amazes me is how easily some people can be offended whether I'm talking to lab or ER about a problem and they don't like my tone or what I said and they right away run to the nursing supervisor to complain. I don't get it, I feel like I'm in grade school where people run and tattle. I've never done that. If I have a disagreement or someone is rude to me I just let it go and deal with it like an adult. I know I'm not perfect and can rub people the wrong way at times, but I don't try to be. I prefer peace and quiet, but find the job environment impossible for that. Honestly, I don't handle stress well and unfortunately it shows and then someone complains to the supervisor. I don't need the endless drama. Why can't we all get along! Funny the other day someone called me rude for telling them the truth about the problem and I was totally calm, but didn't ask pretty please, then that person proceeded to slam the phone down on me and run and complain to the supervisor. I guess I should have complained to the supervisor first since she slammed the phone down on me, but I don't run to the supervisor and tattle whenever I have a dispute with a coworker. The supervisor came by laughed and said she knew it was me and suggested I should have phrased my comment differently so the nurse wouldn't get offended. Am I the only one with this problem or have others experienced this too?

I can honestly say I never had this problem at any of the other non nursing jobs I've ever had. I've worked many secretarial jobs and there were never issues like this, just since I've been a nurse. I miss the good old days and never knew how good I had it back then, only problem those jobs didn't pay a living wage and I wouldn't be able to own a house or car if I still worked in that field. lol

Up Vote Up Vote ×
Specializes in 15 years in ICU, 22 years in PACU.
they don't like my tone or what I said and they right away run to the nursing supervisor to complain. I don't get it, I feel like I'm in grade school where people run and tattle. I've never done that. If I have a disagreement or someone is rude to me I just let it go and deal with it like an adult.

I was in my manager's office once to deal with a complaint like this. At the time of the incident it seemed like such a non-incident but the other nurse made it an "incident". After the session, my union rep asked me if I was from the Midwest. I said yes and her reply was, "So am I and we Midwesterners have a tendency to be more blunt than they are here on the West Coast. It's their passive-aggressive nature. You will have to adjust to it."

I have found if you word it right you can apologize without conceding anything. "I'm sorry you're upset." "I'm sorry your feeling were hurt". They get to hear the "I'm sorry" and I don't have to defend anything.

Up Vote Up Vote ×

Its not conceding if you were indeed in the wrong, and did something worthy of the SINCERE apology.

Sometimes I will present the olive branch and say "I'm sorry we do not see eye to eye on this, but can we agree to disagree and move past this?"

Up Vote Up Vote ×
Specializes in L&D, OBED, NICU, Lactation.

I don't apologize. I'm sorry, that's just the way I am.

Up Vote Up Vote ×
Sometimes I will present the olive branch and say "I'm sorry we do not see eye to eye on this, but can we agree to disagree and move past this?"

My SO will start an apology like this but I don't consider it an apology. I think the "I'm sorry" is thrown in there because he's aggravated with the situation and wants it over but doesn't recognize that anything he said or did was offensive or hurtful. If I had worded my apology to my now deceased coworker, "I'm sorry I was irritated with you.." it would not have given either of us peace, how could she have forgiven me when I didn't acknowledge that I did anything wrong? Yes I was irritated, yes she did something that was irritating, but I was wrong in how I responded and that was what I was apologizing for.

It's not the disagreeing in of itself that is the problem but how we go about expressing or actions it out. Why not either apologize for whatever it is that offended or simply be direct about not agreeing?

Up Vote Up Vote ×
Specializes in nurseline,med surg, PD.

After the session, my union rep asked me if I was from the Midwest. I said yes and her reply was, "So am I and we Midwesterners have a tendency to be more blunt than they are here on the West Coast. It's their passive-aggressive nature. You will have to adjust to it""

I am from the Midwest. I didn't know that. I admit I used to be very blunt, and I got into trouble all the time because of that. However I finally figured out how to be Miss Congeniality and since then things have been going much better.

Up Vote Up Vote ×
Specializes in Education.

I have a hard time accepting the "I'm sorry you feel..." phrases. To me, they come across as a non-apology, blaming me for having thoughts and feelings of my own, and not taking any sort of responsibility for anything that happened.

I prefer to say "I'm sorry that my words and actions came out as they did. This is how I feel that I can fix it." Or something like that. I claim ownership and put out an olive branch.

Up Vote Up Vote ×
I have a hard time accepting the "I'm sorry you feel..." phrases. To me, they come across as a non-apology, blaming me for having thoughts and feelings of my own, and not taking any sort of responsibility for anything that happened.

I feel the same. I've had to undo a lot of poorly taught pop psych LOL. My SO has learned what a real apology is and that it's safe to give one.

Up Vote Up Vote ×

I hate any type of conflict, and I always have the fear that I will offend someone in the back of my head, so I am very quick to take blame and apologize. It usually means that I have great professional relationships, but it also means that I am seen as a pushover at times and people do take advantage of that. They will be rude mostly just because they know I will not say anything, and I usually end up apologizing for making them upset and inadvertently causing their rude behavior. >.

Up Vote Up Vote ×
Specializes in 15 years in ICU, 22 years in PACU.
I hate any type of conflict, and I always have the fear that I will offend someone in the back of my head, so I am very quick to take blame and apologize. It usually means that I have great professional relationships, but it also means that I am seen as a pushover at times and people do take advantage of that. They will be rude mostly just because they know I will not say anything, and I usually end up apologizing for making them upset and inadvertently causing their rude behavior. >.

I am sorry people treat you that way. I have seen it happen to others and I want to speak up for them but that is not appropriate or really very helpful. They do leave themselves open as a target for the bully.

Up Vote Up Vote ×
I am sorry people treat you that way. I have seen it happen to others and I want to speak up for them but that is not appropriate or really very helpful. They do leave themselves open as a target for the bully.

Thank you! I am getting a bit better at it by giving it time and then sending an email to the coworker to explain my side of things. I find that it is a lot easier to deal with them through the computer after the fact than in person. It gives me more time to think through what I want to say instead of turning into a stuttering, passive mess like I normally do. And they have had the time to calm down as well so I do sometimes get an apology, and our professional relationships become stronger.

Up Vote Up Vote ×
+ Add a Comment