I never thought I would find myself here.
On August 9th at 0430 I received a phone call.
By 0830 I was sitting in the airport with a one way ticket home in my hands.
By noon I was at the bedside of my favorite Grandma, watching her breathe, at 83 with the assistance of a vent. She would wake to stimulation, fight against the vent and fall fitfully back into Precedex induced sleep.
The next four hours were spent translating medical information from physicians to my family. When I first arrived my family was a wreck. From the time my Grandmother had arrived at this smaller, rural, hospital the staff had been asking for someone to sign a DNR. Confusion and aggression abounded.
My Grandmother does not have a PoA or Living Will. She has never professed any opinion on end of life. When asked "do you want to live, do you want to have surgery?" she shrugs her tiny shoulders. When pressed, with all of her children looking down upon her she, she agrees.
So far my Grandmother is in cardiogenic shock. In short, ten years ago my Grandmother had three stents placed in her heart. One year ago she became very tired, they told her everything was ok, changed her meds a bit and sent her home. Six months ago she went in with SOB and chest pain. They told her everything is ok and sent her home. Two weeks ago she became extremely short of breath and waited until she could barely get off of the couch to go to the bathroom.
So here we are...
MI
CHF
EF of 20%
Pulmonary edema
Chronic Diabetes
Chronic HTN now on a drip of Primacor
S/P Cath with three collapsed stents
Severe CAD with a 10% chance of OHS survival
Afib RVR s/p cardioversion and return to SR
Renal Insufficiency
My family believes at this point that the only way to save her is surgery. I weigh the risks and benefits with my family using my professional experience. Then I look at them and realize they are my family, not a patient's and tell them what is in my heart. I look at my mother and tell her I would never sacrifice even a short amount of time with her, if it meant I didn't have to hear she was gone from a surgeon. 10% is not good enough for me. My family agrees and we begin discussion of medical management.
The plan is to send her to another hospital, where a cardiologist is willing to do high risk stents.
We spend two weeks waiting. She is improving slightly, has been extubated twice and re-intubated.
Lasix drip
Propofol drip
Amiodarone drip
Insulin drip
Heparin drip
Tube Feedings
Everyday is a rollercoaster. One minute she is doing well, up with PT, ECHO shows 30% EF, stents successful. The next day troponins are up to 25.3, she is tachy and red, fighting mucous in her throat and lungs. Staph infections, e-coli, possible C-Diff.
Today I got the call that they had attempted to place a trach vent. That the nurse had intervened and stopped the procedure. That she didn't agree with it.
Here my expertise ends, I am not familiar with vents/trachs/end of life/continuation of life? I tell my mom to call and talk to the physician directly. Risks and benefits. Plan of care. Where are we going with this. Is it worth it.
Apparently part of my family had reiterated the story wrong. There was no dramatic "STOP DON'T CUT" from the nurse. The procedure isn't even scheduled until Monday, however this is how it has been. My family doesn't know (this does not include my mother, she is three hours away and hears the information like I do, second hand) what anything means. They overreact, they call with misinformation. From six states away this leaves me in a constant lurch.
I am currently avoiding the phone because I don't know what to say anymore. I don't want her to suffer, however apparently the trach (which makes me nauseous to think about) will actually make her end of life more comfortable. They don't expect her to live much longer. Her heart isn't strong enough. However this way she would be comfortable, able to talk a bit or write. Able to sit up and be with family. Able to be...ok.
I have never felt a year like this before.
With two early miscarriages, a trip to Ireland, the stress of my Grandmother's impending death and the ethical dilemmas around it, and attempting to start my Master's degree I have never felt so positive and so negative all at the same time.
Thank you for letting me express this. I just needed somewhere where I didn't have to say "breathing tube" and "blood pressure meds". Somewhere where people understand the conflict with being a nurse and being a member of a family.
Tait
