Shall I start at this morning when I was running late because my sweet pup, Kid, decided to turn into a goat and eat half a berm of grass before puking on my ornate rug? I suppose that's just as good a spot as any.
But you know, the day wasn't all bad--at least not to begin with, in spite of my lack of hair conditioner or only one and a half armpits of anti-perspirant coverage.
But I find myself in a strange mindset--I'm defeated.
I just....sometimes I just don't know anymore.
It wasn't enough today, you know? Everything there was to give, just wasn't enough.
Crash over emergent heart--dissected like hell during cannulation. Died on the table. No amount of blood product made so much as a dent. We worked so hard--I can't even put to words what the room was like--blood all over the floor, all over me, anesthesia--looked like a slaughter house--felt like a slaughter house. How hot the room was--so unbearably hot-- in order to help with clotting, bleeding, survival. I slipped on plege, tripped over the bypass tubing. Broke my left foot. Patient still died.
Wrapped up my work day by picking bird-shot out of a child's abdomen. She was down for so long...too long. We coded her for over an hour. I, personally, broke at least three of her ribs. Over sixty units of blood product later, she made it--to what end....I don't know.
These are the type of days we all dread. This is where some part of me knows it will pass.
It is hard isn't? Watching all these people suffer and die. They talk about PTSD for military personnel, police etc., but I think they have forgotten about Dr's. and Nurses. I've seen and heard other nurses talk about experiences just like the 1 you described. Sometimes I wonder if the reward I get from being a nurse outweighs the bad. But I know at the end of the day, if it were my family member laying there or myself, I would want the nurse that cares too much. Like it or not, somebody has to do the job. You did your best, and I'm sure the Pt's. and their families would thank you for that. Just the fact that you care enough that it bothers you still, is enough to tell me what kind of nurse you are. Chin up! You did good!
I hope you can get some time to process all of this, grieve, and encourage one another. Does your hospital have a critical incident stress debriefing team?
Specializes in Sleep medicine,Floor nursing, OR, Trauma.
Thank you, each and every one of you, for your gentle words and kind thoughts. The virtual hugs were lovely and appreciated. I am blessed to have such marvelous people to hear me out. Truly, thank you.Sent from Satan's comlink, aka, my smartphone. Cursed beast. :grumble:
Im at a lost for words. You may not feel fine now, but you made a difference today. you were more than a advocate and care giver today. The fact that you felt broken it means that you care and thats special. The day that you do not feel broken is the day you need to quit. You care so much, thats the reason for your hurt. We all share your pain. Be strong for all those future patients that will need your care and compassion.
What a horrible day! So sorry and grateful for all that you do. Take the night and here's to a better day tomorrow. {{}} You do make a difference and don't you ever ever forget that!!
Specializes in LTC, assisted living, med-surg, psych.
(((((CheesePotato)))))
And I think I'VE had a bad week........you had it all in one day. I am so sorry for what you've been through today, my friend. And BTW, once again you've written a story to tug the heartstrings (and yank those suckers right out). If you're half as good at nursing as you are at writing about it---and I have no reason to believe you are anything less than stellar at both---I'd be honored to have you take care of any one of my loved ones. (I wouldn't wish ME on you, however.......I'm lousy at being a patient.)
Gentle hugs and good wishes being sent your way, CP. :)
I can relate. After days like that you question EVERYTHING. Fortunately there also very good days to help balance it out. Once, at a restaurant, I ran into the daughter of a patient I had cared for several months earlier. The patient had since passed but her daughter hugged me and thanked me for everything I had done. She told me her mother had called the nurses who helped her "my angels".
I hold on this memory, and others like it, so when the dark days hit, I can remember why I do what I do.
Take care of yourself, a good day is bound to come soon.
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(I wouldn't wish ME on you, however.......I'm lousy at being a patient.)
kmcguirern
23 Posts
It is hard isn't? Watching all these people suffer and die. They talk about PTSD for military personnel, police etc., but I think they have forgotten about Dr's. and Nurses. I've seen and heard other nurses talk about experiences just like the 1 you described. Sometimes I wonder if the reward I get from being a nurse outweighs the bad. But I know at the end of the day, if it were my family member laying there or myself, I would want the nurse that cares too much. Like it or not, somebody has to do the job. You did your best, and I'm sure the Pt's. and their families would thank you for that. Just the fact that you care enough that it bothers you still, is enough to tell me what kind of nurse you are. Chin up! You did good!