Is it right to pursue nursing if the school is 2 hrs away from husband & kids?

VictoriaGayle · Apr 14, 2013

I hope everything works out for you. I know it can be so hard wanting to be with your baby but also wanting to fulfill your dreams. I had to postpone school for a year because my baby was due in the middle of clinicals, and while I am so great full for the time I've gotten to be a stay at home mom with her, not being in school made me extremely depressed. Ultimately you need to figure out what works best for you, no one else knows your situation like you do. Maybe non traditional school would be better, or even postponing. You should talk to someone in your area about your options, they could help you more.

My mom was gone a lot when I was little because she worked 2 to 3 jobs at a time while in nursing school. She had no choice, she had to support me on her own. I didn't like her being gone so much, but today we have an awesome relationship, and seeing her do that set a great example. Because of her I know I can get through nursing school with a baby.

Even less than ideal situations have benefits!

I have to wonder about your hubby though. Shouldnt he be helping you solve these problems?

mram34 · Apr 14, 2013

I have been a stay at home mom for the past two years and I finally got accepted into a nursing program for this coming Fall 2013 after 3+ years of application cycles. The school is two hours away from home. I have two kids (2 yr and 4 months). I have a science degree in Biochemistry and Molecular Biology. Prior to being a stay at home mom, I was a pharmaceutical QA lab analyst for 6 years. But in my heart I always knew I wanted to become a nurse.
My husband knows it is my goal/dream to become a nurse (and it's truly not because of the money)but he is very unhappy about me going through the program because it means we will be separated as a family unit. We would only be able to see each other on the weekends and even then I would probably be so busy with school that even weekends will be dedicated for school. He wants me to apply to other schools in our area, which I have been but I never got accepted. I finally get accepted into a school 2 hours away and I am so heartbroken that he is not supporting me in my goal. He says I would be selfish neglecting my family and thinking only about myself and my own goals. We are financially stable, if my goal to become a nurse is to make more money, then my income is not needed so I shouldn't make decisions that could potentially break up our family. I feel absolutely terrible. =(

Trust me. I truly know how you feel. I'm a mother of 4 boys. 17,12,4 & 2. My husband is in his first semester of a nursing program. He waited 3 years on a wait list. He's told me how a single guy traveled 1 hr away sometimes 2 with traffic ended up dropping. In my husbands orientation one 4th semester student said he went through divorce b/c of the program. Sounds like you really love your husband and you should value his opinion of wanting you to get accepted somewhere closer. He's not telling not to pursue it. Retake classes to get in a program that's closer if that's what it takes. It will be very stressful for your husband raising your kids by himself. B/c it is for me, I let my husband study and don't bother him at all. But I feel neglected at times. If it's meant to be you'll get accepted somewhere closer. Wish you luck with any choice you decide.

FDW630 · Apr 14, 2013

He is supportive of you going to nursing school, but he is not supportive of you choosing one that is so far away that it requires you to take his kids and basically leave him for two years, because he can't follow you? I don't see at all how he is being unreasonable. I wouldn't blame him for being upset. You would be taking his family from him...how is that fair? I can see the "do you" argument side, and I get it and agree to some extent that chasing your dreams (in moderation) and bettering yourself is important, but at what cost? Are you willing to break up your family, probably permanently, to be a nurse? I wouldn't do it. I would do everything in my power to get into a school closer to me, or I would wait for a better time. You can argue that now is a good time because you want the security to fall back on "just in case," but if you do it you are guaranteed to need it before you are done. I wouldn't risk my marriage and family for it. My husband took enough classes when we were newlyweds and I was pregnant/had a newborn that I was lucky to see him two days a week, but he was the sole provider and it was to better us financially. Same reason Im in nursing school now...one income is really hard to survive on when it's a fireman's pay, so we need my paycheck. If we didn't need the money, I would quit and wait. I only drive 15 minutes, and my kids are both in school while I am. It is really hard on my family, and I hate putting them through it every day. I can chase my dreams when my kids are grown. I would never make them suffer for it.

Trenata · Apr 14, 2013

He is supportive of you going to nursing school, but he is not supportive of you choosing one that is so far away that it requires you to take his kids and basically leave him for two years, because he can't follow you? I don't see at all how he is being unreasonable. I wouldn't blame him for being upset. You would be taking his family from him...how is that fair?

Agreed!

Jory, MSN, APRN, CNM · Apr 14, 2013

I would go, in a hot minute. It's important to live your life without resentment and regret. For me that translates into regretting the things I did not do. Look, if your marriage is strong enough, it will survive, if not, then you might be glad you went ahead and did this now. You have a support system in place, which would be the most important obstacle in my mind. Good luck!

I take it you are not married and don't have children.

Ask yourself if you would like to be separated from your children for 5 days out of the week.

If the OP wants to do this, the sacrifice should be hers to make, not her husband and not her children. The children should stay with their father.

16mm · Apr 14, 2013

If this is truly your dream, it will always be there. Children are only children once, do you think you would regret essentially missing out on the next two years of their lives? I have a 2 year old and 5 month old, I couldn't do it.

donk · Apr 14, 2013

I waited until my youngest started junior kindergarten. As much as I wanted to be in nursing school I knew I would never get those years back with my kids. Sounds like you've gotten a lot of advice already so good luck with your decision!

Stephalump · Apr 14, 2013

I would go in a hot minute. It's important to live your life without resentment and regret. For me that translates into regretting the things I did not do. Look, if your marriage is strong enough, it will survive, if not, then you might be glad you went ahead and did this now. You have a support system in place, which would be the most important obstacle in my mind. Good luck![/quote']
The idea that somehow, in life's review, you end up regretting waiting a measly couple of years to become a nurse is ridiculous.
What a parent and wife is more likely to regret is the things they did that effected their relationships.

vintagemother, BSN, CNA, LVN, RN · Apr 14, 2013

Vintagemother, I'd agree with you if the OP was unable to support her family. She has already been to college and had a career she left to become a stay-at-home-mom. Nothing in her post says she needs a career to take care of her family. She just wants to change careers and she wants to do it now. Because...she wants to? That's what I'm reading here.
I don't think your situation and hers are similar.

@Stephalump, for the record, my husband felt the same way as you feel about FBanh - that I didn't need to go to school, as I ran a business from home that supported the family.

I don't mean to be snarky here, but FBanh's situation hits me close to home.

After everything I've experienced in last 2 years, I now look back and genuinely feel my spouse never really cared about my goals for myself and was subtly sabatoging me from the outset. I become concerned for other women when I see them being made to feel guilty for having goals. :yuck:

I look back on my nearly 10 year marriage and think, "Why couldn't my spouse have supported me?" I supported him when he was unemployed for a few years. I encouraged him to go back to school. I'd been in school for several years off and on before I met him and before our youngest was born - I did take a break after his birth. Earning a degree was personally important to me and I no longer feel I have to apologize for desiring this.

I don't necessarily think FBanh's situation and mine are similar, except for a few things.

1) Her husband is not supporting her goals

2) She is being made to feel bad about having goals by her husband.

These 2 things stuck out in my mind as I read her posts and the ensuing comments.

My question is, how many women would support their spouses through thick and thin? It sounds like she has been supportive of his career even though it takes him away from the family. Why are women expected to put the needs of their spouse ahead of pursing their own fulfillment? :nono:

I know of a mom who obtained her PhD while going through a divorce with a toddler. She had to commute 1 1/2 hours away with her child to attend classes. She is now a college professor earning $100,000/yr. I think that, in some locales, traveling a bit may be necessary to earn a degree in the field of your choice. And in some locales, like mine in Northern Cali, earning a nursing license is an excellent way to be able to support your family financially. I don't believe anyone should be prohibited by a person they love from pursuing means to support a family.

As I read AN (and attend nursing school), I see lots of marriages failing to make it through nursing school, or through work as a nurse partially due to the fact that the other spouse has to take on family responsibilities because of the nature of school and work schedules in this field. I'd encourage every woman to be aware of the difference between sacrificing for your families best interest and being made to feel bad if your goals encroach on his comforts.

I used to feel like many of the posters on here, that it was my duty to be there for my children and do everything possible to keep my husband happy so that I could maintain an intact marriage so that my children would have a mom and a dad.

I now feel that if a husband (or wife) can't emotionally support a person through the trials and tribulations of getting into nursing school, he may end up not support her later. I further feel that if 1 spouse is not supportive of the goals of the other, the other spouse should probably not give up on bettering herself to appease him, as she will be putting herself at a disadvantage later.

I only hope and pray that this makes sense to some other women out there. I do not want to project my situation onto anyone, but I truly believe in this message I am trying to convey.

zoe92 · Apr 14, 2013

At the end of the day, you have to think about what is best for the FAMILY. Not just one member.

I do not think the husband is not being supportive but is rather concerned about what this situation could do to the family, which I agree with. She also already has an education so in case something did happen, she could find work with her first degree.

Stephalump · Apr 14, 2013

Vintagemother, I'm not trying to negate what you've been through, or your message. I 100% believe women should be educated and financially independent, and there are men who actively work to keep women dependent.

I just don't see it as applicable to this situation.

I don't support my husband in every dream he might have. He spent the first 7 years of our marriage driving an 18 wheeler, which meant I was a single parent. I had no freedom. I slept alone and struggled alone. And at some point I had enough. It's cool if he loves the open road and all that crap, but I'm entitled to my OWN happiness, not some doormat who's only purpose is to support her man.

Once again, I understand not living as a martyr. I've lived the same way. But that's not an excuse to steamroll your spouse in a similar fashion. It's not unreasonable for a spouse not to want their significant other to move two hours away. OP has education and a career I'm assuming she could return to, and could keep trying to get into other programs.

space monster · Apr 15, 2013

My kids are 2 and 4 and I'm still doing prerequisites. I've had some people tell me that it's actually better to do something intensive like nursing school when your kids are very small, as long as you have reliable, high-quality childcare. The reason for this is that when they're young, someone other than you can meet their basic needs. But as they get older, only you will do -- e.g., they don't want to see their babysitter at their game or school play, and only you (or dad) can soothe them when they start navigating complex social relationships and need advice and a hug. So there is one argument for going to school when they are young.

However, I'd be wary of taking such a big step without the support of my husband, because I think that could have a negative impact on the family unit as a whole and I would not want to risk that. If it were me, I'd want to be on the same page, and I'd do whatever I could to work out a plan with him.

Have you tried contacting the schools you haven't gotten in to and asked to speak with someone in admissions? Get their advice on how to improve your application. Sit down with them and show them how interested you are in their program; this shows initiative and they will likely remember you during the next admissions cycle. Even if you have to wait a year or two, it might be worth it for the sake of your family to stay local -- as long as you have good childcare there.

I can understand why you're agonizing over this and wish you the best of luck regardless of what you decide.