Can anyone take a look at my personal essay that I am writing for my application

Nursing Students Pre-Nursing

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Hello there!

Thank you all for doing this and I am really appreciate the effort!

I am applying for a BSN program and the nursing essay's topic is

Describe a risk that you took and describe how it affect you.

Here it goes:

I am the so called "middle-child" in my family born to be a little daredevil; I love to take risks despite the fact that I got bruised and hurt many times. Risks can be taken from skate-boarding, bungee jumping and loudly singing alone in public, to more complicated risks such as moving to another country and dumping my old childhood dream and replace it with my latest passion. The most risky one that I have been taking is becoming an outstanding nurse instead of becoming a painter.

My family wants me to be a doctor or at least in medical field for nearly two decades. To be honest, I never thought of becoming a medical worker and when I decided I want to pursue my studies and career in the United States when I was 18 years old, I put down nursing as my major just to get my family off my back. Meanwhile, I secretly wanted to change it to an art major when I got here. However, something changed my mind greatly about being a nurse and now I cannot stand the idea of not becoming one.

While taking classes at Tacoma Community College, I began volunteering at three different places: Figure Drawing Club at my college, Tacoma Art Museum, and St. Joseph Medical Center. Oddly, volunteering at the hospital is my favorite. I am an assistant at the critical care department. I helped patients to get their dinner, nurses to get a cup of iced water, and more importantly, I got to see what is like to be a nurse. I got chilled by listening nurses walking and discussing the medical procedures that those patients are having. I am amazed by the way nurses care for their patients. My supervisor, ******, introduced me to many nurses and medical workers at our units.

After two months of volunteering, one night, I closed my eyes and laid on my bed. I start dreaming of myself as a nurse, working with other nurses and patients and I felt extremely happy: Then it hit me, I desire to be a nurse!I want to be a nurse at critical care department because I enjoy working with different people and I do not have a specific gender or age frame that I prefer in my patients. I desire to be one of the outstanding nurses that I know of at my hospital! I used to think that when I grow up and finally become a painter, I would be satisfied even if I have no job, no money to pay for rent, and I live under someone else's basement. However, as I grow, my mind and my personal values grow too. I no longer put myself first. I am looking forward to doing something worthwhile in nursing and helpful to society. Thinking like an adult and acting like one, I choose to risk not fulfilling my childhood dream of becoming a poor artist. Instead, I am going to be so much more as a nurse.

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Specializes in Maternal Child, Home Health, Med/Surg.

I loved it! It really went into good detail about your journey to get to this point. The risks you took prior too, and the battle you had before learning that this is what you really want to do.

Good luck!

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I love it!! Good luck with getting into the program! :)

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Besides a few minor details, you and I have a lot in common! Great read :clap:

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I would try to find better verbs for the places you use "got/get." Also, I'm not quite sure why you use the word "oddly" at the beginning of the second sentence, third paragraph. I'm guessing you mean something along the lines of "To my surprise." I think oddly has a bad connotation in that spot.

Try adding some details about what exactly you saw nurses do that amazed you with their patient care. When I wrote my personal statements, I talked about how I was so impressed with the nurses I had seen because they didn't care what someone looked like or where they came from, they were going to treat them the best they could no matter what. Then I provided a couple of memories that I had from my volunteering days and how I would try to emulate the great nurses I was surrounded by. Not every profession has the opportunity to do that. Also, you mention your supervisor at the end of the third paragraph and then you just kind of end. Why is it important that we know Therese introduced you to many nurses? You might think it seems obvious to the reader since you know your own story so well, but an admissions committee probably doesn't have time to read into it and think about why it is important.

I think you have a nice essay overall and I hope my input is helpful. I've written several personal statements for nursing school this year so I do have a little practice myself. Keep in mind that at the end of the day, nobody's opinion is the end-all-be-all so you should turn in the essay you think best represents yourself even if it doesn't completely match up with what others have to say.

Best of luck to you!

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Honestly, there is a lot of errors. I'm thinking English is not your first language. You seem to use want instead of wanted often,. Also, I think it sounds like you really aren't that excited about nursing and it's just the thing of the moment you are doing and you'll move on. You make it sound like you really love painting but nursing will benefit more financially and it's what your family wants.If you decided to stick to this essay I would at-least correct the grammar errors.

Sorry :( I'm not trying to be rude, just honest on how I read it.

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Honestly, there is a lot of errors. I'm thinking English is not your first language. You seem to use want instead of wanted often,. Also, I think it sounds like you really aren't that excited about nursing and it's just the thing of the moment you are doing and you'll move on. You make it sound like you really love painting but nursing will benefit more financially and it's what your family wants.If you decided to stick to this essay I would at-least correct the grammar errors.

Sorry :( I'm not trying to be rude, just honest on how I read it.

I did kind of think this as well...

You talked about what road being an artist may lead you down financially and you say it isn't a pretty picture and that you now need to think about someone more than yourself. I think you should take the financial aspect out of it. The last thing you want to do is make it look like you are getting into nursing for the money. If you want to stress the fact that you want to look out for someone besides yourself, I would take out the part about "living in a basement, etc" and focus on how nursing will help you actively change lives. Also, don't sell yourself short and make a career as an artist sound pointless because you never know who on the admissions committee has a spouse that is an artist.

This is something to picque your thoughts. What about nursing scares you? Have you done anything in your volunteering that scared you, but you succeeded? For example, I was scared to help a nurse who was taking care of a quadriplegic at a rehab hospital I was volunteering at once. I was not even doing anything technical or nursing related. However, that scary situation at the time helped me realize that I have it in me to go further with nursing (along with some other experiences.)

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Thank you so much for bearing the length of the essay! :)

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Your post has been SO helpful to me and not I decided to go ahead and re write the whole thing!

I have a different approach to the essay and I think this time, it would be so much better! I really like the idea that you mentioned of writing about how nurses have the edge to work with people from totally different backgrounds and treat people equally! Thank you hi616!

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Keep trying. It took me many attempts to get my essays right. I would keep a paper and pencil near me all the time, and I got some of my best ideas when I was doing other things. I think you are on the right track. As long as you feel good about what you right, and can get your reader to feel something/connect with you, you will do great. It was hard for me to write mine, but once I got started and took my time to really think about how I wanted them to see the real me, it eventually clicked.

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I'd be careful about portraying yourself too much as a risk taker. Nursing schools (at least) have the expectation that you don't cut corners or do anything that would endanger a patient. Talking about working with different populations is good. Many schools are all about serving vulnerable populations, finding students who can examine their biases and be leaders in the field.

Just something to consider. Good luck.

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Try not to use "I" so much. Is a personal essay but very repetitive. It could come across the wrong way.

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