Funny things that pt's say! - page 4

Pt comes in, ask her what brought her in today, she says that MD checked her in the office and then she had some spotting so she thinks that her "mucous cord broke". Checked a pt, she was 4... Read More

  1. by   Marisaej
    not an ob story, but funny none the less. working in male medical. had regular pt, old gentleman. Parkinsons and defaulter on meds. looked like a turtle with wrinkly neck. Alway's wore a floppy sun hat that covered half his face. Was nurse in bed with cot side's. Came in one morning after taking report to find him holding on to cotsides but trembeling so bad that whole bed vibrated. When asked how he was this morning, his dry awnser was: ohh.. just ideling, thank you..
  2. by   northwoods6pack
    I am new here but I have a funny one. Pt comes in 35wks and change. I put her on the monitor while I'm getting a history and she shows no ctx in 15-20 minutes. I asked her if she thought she was ruptured.... nope. Contracting? nope. Ask her why she thought she needed to come in and she tells me...

    "Well, I'm actually here because all my other babies were born at 35 weeks and this baby, like my last has a 2 vessel cord so I know she's ready to come early too. "

    Ooook. So I page her doc and he tells me he'll come in and check her and talk to her since he's still in the building anyway.

    He comes up and we go to her room and doc says something along the lines of having 2 babies with SUA is pretty uncommon and did anyone else in her family have it? To which pt pipes in with...

    "I don't know for certain, but I think my husband did because he has a funny looking belly button" And proceeds to lift her husband shirt for the room to see his "funny looking" belly button"

    THEN, she doesn't stop there. She tells us about her daughters funny looking buttcrack describing, WITH hand gestures what her daughters hind end looked like. Then on to her husbands funny back freckle, how her son is autistic but the doctors won't beleive her and say he's just naughty, etc, etc, etc...


    By the time we were all done with THAT doc opens up a new can of whatever by asking her why she's come to the hospital now? She takes the cake with...

    Well, my last 2 kids were born at 35-36 weeks so I just figured I'd come in here and y'all could just give me that "plankton" stuff and we could just induce since my husband has the night off from work....

    Doc tried to explain to her the issues that come along with 35 weekers and she wouldn't hear any of it because she knew MANY babies born at that gestation who are ALL in the GIFTED programs at school and that SHE knew when she was done "cooking" the baby and that she just knew if we didn't induce right this very moment something would be dreadfully wrong with her baby and then we'd be sorry we didn't listen to her.

    She ended up stomping off in a huff, funny belly button man (it really looked pretty normal lol) right behind her...... came back at 41 and change and delivered a healthy baby girl. I wasn't her nurse when she did deliver because I was "incomplete" (I'm guessing incompetent) and when she came in, in LABOR a couple weeks ago I sent her home leaking amniotic fluid which she's been leaking in a constant stream since....

    Funny since they ruptured her at 8 cm............
  3. by   mgalloLPN
    Just bookmarking this..........these are funny
  4. by   weezledawg
    had a patient real jacked up on Dilaudid the other day say "You look just like my sister. She's fat." Later she said, "I just can't get over how much you look like my sister." I replied, "You mean the fat one?":trout:
  5. by   freedom4
    I had a pt come in with labor pains the other night. We were getting her admitted and I realized that the woman that she was with was coaching her on her breathing. The patient informed me after a contraction that this woman was her "Doodie."
    I asked the patient if she meant doula. She agreed that I was correct.
    I guess our local health dept has hired doulas to help at risk clients on state aid. I think it is a great plan, but I am not sure if I would want to be known as the Doodie!
  6. by   mommy2boysaz
    These are so funny! Well, here are a couple off the top of my head:
    Had a FOB tell me he was sure his wife was in labor, afterall, she is 4 cm dilated. When I asked how he knew she was 4 cm, he said, "Because I checked her and I could get 4 fingers in." :smackingf

    Had another patient who was having issues with breastfeeding for the first time. I entered the room to find dad standing beside the bed. Dad says, "Can we get a bottle? She doesn't have anything in there.(Points at girlfriend's breasts) I started to open my mouth to start my "She has colostrum, the milk will come" speel, but before I could get anything out, he says, "I just sucked on them for a good five minutes and couldn't get anything out." :stone I turned and got them a bottle. :imbar I was just glad I hadn't walked in a few minutes sooner!
    Just when you think you've heard or seen it all...
  7. by   freedom4
    I had a patient come in for an induction the other night and said "I want an enema." I told her that this isn't something that we normally do anymore, and we will have to ask her Dr. for an order. Then I asked her if there was a reason that she wanted the enema. She said,
    "My friend's baby had alot of problems when she swallowed Her poop."
    I didn't know that if I gave mom an enema we could avoid this problem.

    Meconium Happens?
  8. by   L&DRN03
    Hi newbie here but I have a couple for you. I had one patient's husband call to update their family and tell them she's already 5 inches dilated! We had another pt walk into triage sure that her water broke because she tasted it!
  9. by   obrn9382
    We had a multip come in with her 3 year old son and precipitously deliver. As the pt was screaming her head off, one of the other nurses took the little boy out of the room for some juice and crackers. After the pt. delivered, we brought the boy back in the room to see his new baby sister to which he responded...

    "Mama, where you get that white baby from?"

    The pt was african american.
  10. by   q12RN
    A couple of weeks ago I had a HIspanic pt who was in labor ~ 8 cm. Very limited English. She wanted to go to the bathroom so I let her go and while she sat on the commode she looked like she was "ready". I looked at her and asked if she felt like she needed to poop. She shook her head and I could tell she didn't understand me. So I said " no caca?", trying to ask , "you dont feel like you need to poop do you? " she said no , pee. I said "no caca?" she shook her head no and I assisted her back to the birthing bed.
    The other nurse was standing there and she said that if you say caca it's like us saying ****. I was so horrified! This woman told me she just had to pee and I said NO ****!
    Last edit by ElvishDNP on Jan 24, '08 : Reason: TOS for profanity
  11. by   The Little Greek
    I was discharging a pt who was recovering from PID and we were discussing how she developed it (in her case it was gonorrhea). She looked confused so I was trying to clarify the explanation when she said "I understand what you are saying. I just don't understand how this happened; my boyfriend just got out of jail a couple of weeks ago". Ewwwww...let's hope that he already had the gonorrhea when he went in to jail and didn't contract it while he was there. I didn't even go there with her.
  12. by   SavingSage211
    Quote from ShandyLynnRN
    oh, and I will never forget....

    A friend and I were once discussing the use of tampons vs. pads. She said, "I can't believe anyone would use those!!! I mean, how could you pee?" when I gave her a funny look and asked what she meant, she said, "well, wouldnt it get all soaked up with pee before it was of any use?". Come to find out she didnt realize that the vagina and urethra were two separate places!!!! This was my friend that was a CNA getting ready for nursing school!!! LOL

    This happened to me to! When I was taking the CNA certification class, my friend (who was in her 30's with 3 children, no less) admitted that she never knew there were 2 seperate 'holes' down there after looking at a diagram in the book! HOLY HELL!
  13. by   Vikingkitten
    Quote from ShandyLynnRN
    hmmm, let's see.....

    Had a CNA talk about the patients "fungus" instead of fundus.

    The other night had a pt with High BP's and the doc was at the bedside checking a BP... pt was supposed to be on her side, and was only tilted slightly... doc said "are you on your side?".. meaning ofcourse "turn all the way on your side", and the patient just got a funny look on her face, turned to her mother and said "mom?" like she didnt know if she was on her side or not!!!

    I always love "I THINK I'm in labor"

    PTL's denying recent intercourse.... sperm in the fern test.

    "I think I'm in labor.... This is my boyfriend, and this is his wife. Yes, they are both going to stay with me"

    "the father of my baby will be here for the delivery, but right now he is down the hall with his girlfriend because she is having a baby too"
    Ahhh, Yes, the infamous "Babydaddy"!

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