Family's responsiblity of taking care of older parents? - page 2
by micstn 2,288 Views | 31 Comments
just wondering, is a responsiblity or obligation? what is their responsiblity?... Read More
- 0Oct 4, '12 by blackandyellowQuote from sharpeimomThank you so much for posting this I took care of my father and three months after he passed my mom did and I took care of her too. It was so draining in ways I cant explain that you summed up well in your post. It sounds nice to be able to take care of aging family members but the emotional toll, finances, and physical toll are a big consideration. At the end of the day my family members got their final wish to die at home. However there other family members of mine would not have been able to do this and I had to sacrifice a lot also.No easy answers to be had. I gave up a job I loved to move back to my hometown to care for
my mom, who was dying of breast ca, which eventually metastasized to her liver and brain. I
am an only child, my mom was a widow, wished to die at home. It didn't take any thought on
my part at all. I volunteered before she could ask. Not because I'm the world's most perfect child,
but, rather, because we care for our own in my big extended family.
My aunts, uncle, great aunties, cousins came from as far away as the opposite coast, to help and
to give me some "me time."
We were more fortunate than many though. There were the financial means available to do what we
needed to do. We also had hospice and they were wonderful. There came a time though, when my
mom thought, in her demented state, that my brand new husband and I were trying to kill her by
any means necessary. Poison, overdose, smothering... you name it! Other times, we'd walk into where-
ever she was and she'd look up and say either, "Hi kids!" or the usual "Hiya Babe! What have you been
up to lately?" to me.
She already had a financial POA, medical POA, and DNR in place. I was medical POA and also held
financial POA in conjunction with the trust dept. She and my dad were both attorneys so no hitches
While I know intellectually that I did a good job taking care of my wonderful mom, it also took
several years for the emotional scars to heal. I was born after many many stillbirths and miscarriages,
and am the sole survivor of triplets. I was, in many ways, a live doll for my parents. I grew up very
close to both parents, and that was a factor in making my decision to come home.
I guess the real answer would be yes and no. If my cousin had to take care of her mom, my mom's
twin sister, she'd eventually smother her mom with her pillow! No, not really, but it wouldn't work
despite her best intentions. You have to do whatever feels right for you and tune out the critics.
- 3Oct 4, '12 by TheCommuter Senior ModeratorQuote from micstnI'm certain that aged parents do not want to be abandoned. However, many of these seemingly nice elderly people treated their offspring horribly during the kids' younger years.Nobody wants to be abandoned
It is unfair of society to demand that an adult child take care of aged parents who participated in abuse (physical, sexual, psychological), incest, neglect, etc. Not everyone's family dynamics were happy, rosy, and peachy during their growing-up years, and this is something that we all should take into consideration when pondering the caregiving question.
- 0Oct 5, '12 by Marshall1It depends on the relationship...I think it would be unreasonable to expect a son or daughter to take care of a parent that was abusive to them, molested them etc. There are also financial issues to consider and how much care a person would need. Even the most well intentioned family would not be able to care for someone who was bedbound or had advanced dementia and work full time, have kids etc. It wouldn't be physically, emotionally or financially (for most) possible. That being said, there are resources, though limited or none existent depending on where someone lives, that can help a family try to care for a family member at home. Religious beliefs play a part but the reality of day to day living and trying to make it in these economic times would probably influence a decision more.
- 0Oct 5, '12 by WannaBNurseySince you're doing this for an ethical paper, OP, take a look at different cultural takes on the issue. We were just talking about this in class yesterday. None of us CNA's have ever seen someone of Asian descent in a nursing home or hospice. It may be that it's totally unacceptable to pass off loved ones to facilities while in our White American culture it seems to be much more acceptable and little shame may come with it.
Also, look at Mother Theresa's comments on nursing homes. Sure she may not be an authority on nursing, but there's an interesting perspective there.
- 0Oct 5, '12 by classicdame Guideremember, from an ethical standpoint, it is the perspective of the PATIENT that counts. So if the patient expects to cared for by adult children then you need to consider culture and religion and practical things like where the children live, do they work, etc. I don't want to live in a NH but one child lives 6000 miles away and the other a mere 1000 miles. So my options may be limited.