Family's responsiblity of taking care of older parents?

allnurses Guide · Oct 4, 2012

This has as many answers as there are types of families. What is right in one situation would not be right in another. Not my place to judge others.

llg, PhD, RN · Oct 4, 2012

I think not -- though some people may feel an obligation to take care of their parents and other aging family members out of a sense of love or duty. I don't believe society should impose that obligation onto everyone, however. A lot of parents/family are abusive, neglectful, etc. and no one should be forced to bear the responsibility for taking care of older relatives if they don't want to. There are some very good reasons to not want to bear that responsibility and we should respect that.

roser13, ASN, RN · Oct 4, 2012

Unanswerable question. There are no absolutes or "correct" answers. Every family member decides for him/herself what they: want to do; don't want to do; feel obligated to do; or do anyway regardless of the previous considerations.

nurseprnRN, BSN, RN · Oct 4, 2012

If you're asking because arrangements have to be made for care, it is a rule in our business that you can never assume that the family will be there. This could be because of any of a number of reasons-- they hate their parents, their parents hate them, or maybe they move away, or have a serious health problem themselves, or they get hit by insane taxicabs. Homework assignment?

sharpeimom · Oct 4, 2012

No easy answers to be had. I gave up a job I loved to move back to my hometown to care for

my mom, who was dying of breast ca, which eventually metastasized to her liver and brain. I

am an only child, my mom was a widow, wished to die at home. It didn't take any thought on

my part at all. I volunteered before she could ask. Not because I'm the world's most perfect child,

but, rather, because we care for our own in my big extended family.

My aunts, uncle, great aunties, cousins came from as far away as the opposite coast, to help and

to give me some "me time."

We were more fortunate than many though. There were the financial means available to do what we

needed to do. We also had hospice and they were wonderful. There came a time though, when my

mom thought, in her demented state, that my brand new husband and I were trying to kill her by

any means necessary. Poison, overdose, smothering... you name it! Other times, we'd walk into where-

ever she was and she'd look up and say either, "Hi kids!" or the usual "Hiya Babe! What have you been

up to lately?" to me.

She already had a financial POA, medical POA, and DNR in place. I was medical POA and also held

financial POA in conjunction with the trust dept. She and my dad were both attorneys so no hitches

there.

While I know intellectually that I did a good job taking care of my wonderful mom, it also took

several years for the emotional scars to heal. I was born after many many stillbirths and miscarriages,

and am the sole survivor of triplets. I was, in many ways, a live doll for my parents. I grew up very

close to both parents, and that was a factor in making my decision to come home.

I guess the real answer would be yes and no. If my cousin had to take care of her mom, my mom's

twin sister, she'd eventually smother her mom with her pillow! No, not really, but it wouldn't work

despite her best intentions. You have to do whatever feels right for you and tune out the critics.

micstn · Oct 5, 2012

I want to try this topic as my ethical papers

micstn · Oct 5, 2012

Thanks, great pleasure to read your story. Your mom is lucky to have you and you deserved your parents' love. Love is mutual. I raised both of my hands on the last part you said " do whatever you feel right for you"

micstn · Oct 5, 2012

From most patients I saw so far, I felt that religion plays a weight on family care. But there is exceptions...

micstn · Oct 5, 2012

Nobody wants to be abandoned

blackandyellow · Oct 5, 2012

No easy answers to be had. I gave up a job I loved to move back to my hometown to care for
my mom, who was dying of breast ca, which eventually metastasized to her liver and brain. I
am an only child, my mom was a widow, wished to die at home. It didn't take any thought on
my part at all. I volunteered before she could ask. Not because I'm the world's most perfect child,
but, rather, because we care for our own in my big extended family.

My aunts, uncle, great aunties, cousins came from as far away as the opposite coast, to help and
to give me some "me time."

We were more fortunate than many though. There were the financial means available to do what we
needed to do. We also had hospice and they were wonderful. There came a time though, when my
mom thought, in her demented state, that my brand new husband and I were trying to kill her by
any means necessary. Poison, overdose, smothering... you name it! Other times, we'd walk into where-
ever she was and she'd look up and say either, "Hi kids!" or the usual "Hiya Babe! What have you been
up to lately?" to me.

She already had a financial POA, medical POA, and DNR in place. I was medical POA and also held
financial POA in conjunction with the trust dept. She and my dad were both attorneys so no hitches
there.

While I know intellectually that I did a good job taking care of my wonderful mom, it also took
several years for the emotional scars to heal. I was born after many many stillbirths and miscarriages,
and am the sole survivor of triplets. I was, in many ways, a live doll for my parents. I grew up very
close to both parents, and that was a factor in making my decision to come home.

I guess the real answer would be yes and no. If my cousin had to take care of her mom, my mom's
twin sister, she'd eventually smother her mom with her pillow! No, not really, but it wouldn't work
despite her best intentions. You have to do whatever feels right for you and tune out the critics.

Thank you so much for posting this I took care of my father and three months after he passed my mom did and I took care of her too. It was so draining in ways I cant explain that you summed up well in your post. It sounds nice to be able to take care of aging family members but the emotional toll, finances, and physical toll are a big consideration. At the end of the day my family members got their final wish to die at home. However there other family members of mine would not have been able to do this and I had to sacrifice a lot also.

TheCommuter, BSN, RN · Oct 5, 2012

Nobody wants to be abandoned

I'm certain that aged parents do not want to be abandoned. However, many of these seemingly nice elderly people treated their offspring horribly during the kids' younger years.

It is unfair of society to demand that an adult child take care of aged parents who participated in abuse (physical, sexual, psychological), incest, neglect, etc. Not everyone's family dynamics were happy, rosy, and peachy during their growing-up years, and this is something that we all should take into consideration when pondering the caregiving question.