Things Patients Have Taught Me NOT To Do

Nurses Humor

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Never....NEVER...cut a potato in half and use it as a pessary! :eek:

Anybody got anything to add?

:chuckle :roll :roll :chuckle

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No matter how bowel obsessed you are, do not strip down naked in your back yard and have your husband (whom you met at a psych unit) give you an enema with a garden hose. Your neighbors will call the cops, you will get a bowel perf and peritonitis, and you will be sent back to the psych ward where you met your husband in the first place.

After you shove a pencil up into your member, do not break the pencil while it is still inside.

A male and a female, both w/ size 20f foleys in, CAN have sex.

When working at a facilty for long term psych and medically unstable pts- do not forget to lock the employee fridge. A pt may wander in and cough out his trach into the employee's communal butter dish for popcorn.

Here's one a NURSE taught me-

Do not pick up hitch-hikers (Happystudent know this!), no matter how "harmless" they look.

One may attempt to rob you and your husband, by stabbing your husband in the eye w/ a pencil, whereupon he will be treated in the ED where you work. (No permanent damage to the eye).

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Specializes in 5 yrs OR, ASU Pre-Op 2 yr. ER.
Originally posted by Hellllllo Nurse

No matter how bowel obsessed you are, do not strip down naked in your back yard and have your husband (whom you met at a psych unit) give you an enema with a garden hose. Your neighbors will call the cops, you will get a bowel perf and peritonitis, and you will be sent back to the psych ward where you met your husband in the first place.

OW OW OW :eek:

A male and a female, both w/ size 20f foleys in, CAN have sex.

More power to them!!!

When working at a facilty for long term psych and medically unstable pts- do not forget to lock the employee fridge. A pt may wander in and cough out his trach into the employee's communal butter dish for popcorn.

oh ICK!!! lol

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Ewwwwwwww..I'll never eat caramel corn again without thinking of that!!

20 fr?? Holey moley!!

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Specializes in Oncology/Haemetology/HIV.

Do not hang out, reading the Bible on the porch of the local house that you really honestly didn't know was a Crack house, at 3:00 AM, absolutely minding your own business....because "Some Dude" will come along and and shoot you for no apparent reason!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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Specializes in LTC, assisted living, med-surg, psych.

Never allow your sex partner to push a screwdriver/wine bottle/apple/cork/banana/fill in the blank up your orifice, and then tell the nursing staff you don't know how that got in there.

Remember: Your rectum is an EXIT, and bowel perfs are not fun.

Don't beg your spouse to bring your Himalayan cat in to visit you in the hospital where you are being treated for an asthma exacerbation.

If you are a 400-lb. diabetic, it is inadvisable to fall asleep with your dentures in the bed, lest they be found two days later buried deep in your left buttcheek.

You should never tell your nurse that your occupation is "phone sex operator", then be found on the phone just as she comes in to give your evening meds. (This happened to me just tonight

:eek: )

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Quote
Originally posted by Hellllllo Nurse

No matter how bowel obsessed you are, do not strip down naked in your back yard and have your husband (whom you met at a psych unit) give you an enema with a garden hose. Your neighbors will call the cops, you will get a bowel perf and peritonitis, and you will be sent back to the psych ward where you met your husband in the first place.

Maybe she was planning an anniversary? Ya know...that's common...returning to the place where it all started.

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this is really educational! :chuckle

some things I have learned:

never cut off all ten of your toes "for strictly artistic purposes"

never inject your own C-DIFF feces into your central line

never assume that the only other patient on the floor who speaks your language (but is unrelated) wants to see you naked

never attempt to go down six flights of stairs dragging an IV pole

never try to stop a riding lawnmower with your foot

never let your job as a male prostitute get in the way of giving yourself insulin shots

never drink random bottles of whatever from the dumpster behind a Walgreens, or at least dont act dumbfounded when you are then informed you need a new liver.

never, never OD on Tylenol just because you didn't get a date to the prom!!!!

whew, I'm going to bed, to much knowlege for one night

;) ;)

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Originally posted by psychrn03

Maybe she was planning an anniversary? Ya know...that's common...returning to the place where it all started.

:roll

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Specializes in Oncology/Haemetology/HIV.

When your frat brother talks you into using cocaine for the first time and........"Dude, you were like, turning blue for like 20 minutes, Man and your heart was ..like doing really freaky s&*^ like John Bonham on the drums...Man"......it is highly inadvisable to try Cocaine again.

Especially if you have a artificial heart valve and your father died of a heart attack at age 38.

When your dog dies after eating some weird plants in the yard, it is not a good idea to try and eat them yourself to see what will happen.

Do not try to remove Norplant by yourself.

Do not try to sandpaper off tattoos by yourself. Also do not use a sandblaster or scraper to do it with.

IV drug user, admitted for endocarditis, "I'm on Vancomycin? Wow, my girlfriend was on that for 8 weeks for a septic bone infection, What a coincidence".

When your father wakes up, unable to see out of one eye, and flaccid on the entire right side of his body, while on a beach vacation, do not insist on driving him 400 miles to a little podunk hospital (after passing several major stroke care hospitals in Atlanta) in the middle of nowhere that doesn't even have a CT machine.

When deer hunting - while up in the deer stand - after drinking a bottle of Whiskey - with your best friend, Bob - with guns loaded - do not tell Bob about sleeping with his wife - and how good she was in bed. That gunshot wound in the shoulder really damaged a great tattoo.

After you girlfriend shoots out your knee, it is best not to get back with her. (patient had been "accidentally" shot 3 times by girlfriend and stabbed once by his wife - when I left the facility - I wonder what the tally is now).

If you are having an MRI done, we REALLY need to know about those "personal" piercings.

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Specializes in Case Management, Acute Care, Missions.

I just thought of some more things I have learned...

Never try to stop a moving SUV with just your foot...

Never let the man who beat the snot out of you then push you over the balcony pull you up the stairs by the hair to do it again... and then let him call/visit you while you are in the hospital...

Never get high and then go rock climbing...

Never listen to the friend who convinces you to kill yourself with benadryl and excedrin because when you die you will be in heaven... (didn't work, and boy was he upset when he woke up)

Never let your 2 and 3 yr old children play on the train tracks while you are sleeping off your drug of choice...

Never pay for liposuction to be done in your home by a MD not licensed in the states...

Never shoot at your brother just to "see if it the gun really worked"

Never make your drug dealer angry with you - you might get stabbed.

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Quote

If you are a 400-lb. diabetic, it is inadvisable to fall asleep with your dentures in the bed, lest they be found two days later buried deep in your left buttcheek.

Puts a whole new twist on that ole saying "Bite my arce!!" doesn't it? 

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