Things Patients Have Taught Me NOT To Do

Nurses Humor

Updated:   Published

what-are-things-patients-taught-you-not-to-do.jpg.119a9865abb94645f43c13239f934ba4.jpg

Never....NEVER...cut a potato in half and use it as a pessary! :eek:

Anybody got anything to add?

Do NOT teach your children that having a bowel movement is "embarrassing". Your daughter will spend the summer with her father and come home with a massive impaction from holding it... all summer.

Up Vote Up Vote ×
Specializes in I will be starting in Nursing homes.

That is a good one for needing to know. I am going to be doing my clinicals next week at a nursing home.

Up Vote Up Vote ×
Specializes in LTC, CPR instructor, First aid instructor..

We had an incident last night in the building where I live. It is an apartment complex for disabled and elderly people, and one of the residents had an IBS incident. The poor soul wasn't able to make it all the way to her/his apt before the explosion of loose feces occurred! Then after the poor soul got into her/his apt, another explosion. How humiliated that poor soul must have been. Especially since the first explosion occurred in the hall on the main floor. The poor maintenance men had to clean the mess.:down:

Up Vote Up Vote ×
Specializes in IMCU/Telemetry.

For my Psych pt I had a few weeks ago.

If you want to hide your candy bars (4 of them), don't hide them between your butt cheeks.

1/ We will find them.

2/ We Will remove them.

3/ We WILL dispose of them.

And NO, you can't eat them. I know its your butt.

Up Vote Up Vote ×

Don't refuse an ambulance transfer to the major hospital in your area when you're having a heart attack at the local rural emergency clinic, but if you do decide to leave AMA and have your wife drive you to the major hospital, don't make her stop at the Burger King drive thru for a double whopper extra large value meal for your ride to said hospital in the midst of your heart attack.

Don't bring your snotty nosed wet coughing 5 and 6 year olds to the NICU to visit their baby sister with gastroschesis, and don't be upset when they aren't allowed to come back to visit when the baby mysteriously comes down with RSV.

Don't use plastic grocery bags as diapers for your 18 month old child, this in combination with whipping him with a leather belt for "not using the toilet" may result in a nasty abscess infection on the child's butt, and may also result in you losing parental rights. (Also turns out when the baby is losing weight in the hospital, don't be surprised the nursing staff has figured out you're stealing his food) - don't worry, she was preggers with another one!

Up Vote Up Vote ×
Specializes in LTC, assisted living, home-care.
Don't refuse an ambulance transfer to the major hospital in your area when you're having a heart attack at the local rural emergency clinic, but if you do decide to leave AMA and have your wife drive you to the major hospital, don't make her stop at the Burger King drive thru for a double whopper extra large value meal for your ride to said hospital in the midst of your heart attack.

Don't bring your snotty nosed wet coughing 5 and 6 year olds to the NICU to visit their baby sister with gastroschesis, and don't be upset when they aren't allowed to come back to visit when the baby mysteriously comes down with RSV.

Don't use plastic grocery bags as diapers for your 18 month old child, this in combination with whipping him with a leather belt for "not using the toilet" may result in a nasty abscess infection on the child's butt, and may also result in you losing parental rights. (Also turns out when the baby is losing weight in the hospital, don't be surprised the nursing staff has figured out you're stealing his food) - don't worry, she was preggers with another one!

:mad: What the Hell is wrong with people.. They have these beautiful babies, then abuse them... I have seen very little of this, THANK GOD, or I think I'd try to do more than just call the authoritories... I'd go out of my mind. This is why at this stage of the game, I take care of the elderly. There is abuse there, but not amount of the little ones. :redbeathe At least I don't have nightmares like the times I did when I reported the parents I did... :redpinkhe

Up Vote Up Vote ×
Specializes in OB/GYN, Peds, School Nurse, DD.

At a little hospital in very rural Alabama I learned that you can "fatten up" a premie if you give them mashed potatoes and Coca-Cola.:eek: And the best treatment for asthma is to smell a goat every day. And "sugar dia-BEE-TEES should be treated with sweet tea, "to get you used to it." :uhoh3: O.M.G.

Up Vote Up Vote ×
At a little hospital in very rural Alabama I learned that you can "fatten up" a premie if you give them mashed potatoes and Coca-Cola.:eek: And the best treatment for asthma is to smell a goat every day. And "sugar dia-BEE-TEES should be treated with sweet tea, "to get you used to it." :uhoh3: O.M.G.

Oh....... WOW.

Up Vote Up Vote ×
Specializes in LTC, CPR instructor, First aid instructor..
:mad: What the Hell is wrong with people.. They have these beautiful babies, then abuse them... I have seen very little of this, THANK GOD, or I think I'd try to do more than just call the authoritories... I'd go out of my mind. This is why at this stage of the game, I take care of the elderly. There is abuse there, but not amount of the little ones. :redbeathe At least I don't have nightmares like the times I did when I reported the parents I did... :redpinkhe
I so agree. I received a personal message this morning about a 20 month old little girl being raped. She was badly torn inside and is in intensive care. Thankfully the rapist is now in jail on a million dollars bond. IMHO, no bond should even be posted for him.:mad:
Up Vote Up Vote ×
I am going into my 3rd semester of nursing school and this is what I have learned so far....

If you have PVD and the doctor tells you that HAVE to have your leg amputated or you are going to die. Please believe him. Don't rely on your Durable Power of Attorney to make that decision for you when you are so doped up and say you dont want it and she agrees with you..And if you are said POA dont get mad and threaten to sue hospital when Pt codes and dies the night before surgery because you should have given consent 2 days prior before the orginial surgery date.

If you are in the CCU unit because you have just had stents placed and have had prior heart surgery and are a diabetic. Please dont get mad at the nurses when we tell your family to please stop bringing the patient candy and soda.

After having a baby. Please dont have a constant stream of 20 to 30 people in your room all day long wearing you out and then be mad at the nurses when they wont take your baby at night so you can get some rest..Especially when we tell you that well babies stay with mom and Dad the entire hospital stay.

Sorry mine are not as entertaining as everything else I have read. Right now I work as a Nurse Tech on a Women's Health floor and its pretty boring.. I cant wait for next semester and Critical Care!!

I was the bad OB patient that had a ton of visitors. I had such a great time recovering -- and good pain meds, since it was a c-section. I don't think I realized that I was making myself more tired. But I only asked for the nurses to watch my baby because he tended to cough and turn blue and it scared me.

Up Vote Up Vote ×
Specializes in Transgender Medicine.

Never...let your boyfriend have sex with your colostomy stoma...

Never...try anal sex with a hooked door latch...

Never...use a "Chi" hair-straightening flat-iron (over 400 degrees) near your 12 month old...

Never...leave a drunk alone with his chest tube...

Gotta go to bed now, but it's been fun reminiscing! :yeah:

Up Vote Up Vote ×
Specializes in Med/Surg, LTAC, Critical Care.
Never...let your boyfriend have sex with your colostomy stoma...

I was gonna post a few here but after seeing this one...um...wow...oh....Jesus H... dude....dammit son...I gotta go now...:eek:

Up Vote Up Vote ×
+ Add a Comment