Rules for dating my daughter

  1. Rule One - If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure as heck not picking anything up.

    Rule Two - You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.

    Rule Three - I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, In order to assure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric staple gun and fasten your trousers securely in place around your waist.

    Rule Four - I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate: when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I WILL kill you.

    Rule Five - In order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is "early."

    Rule Six - I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make YOU cry.

    Rule Seven - As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process which can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?

    Rule Eight - The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places lacking parents, policemen, or nuns. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka zipped up to her chin. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which feature chainsaws are okay. Hockey games are okay.
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  2. 15 Comments

  3. by   Still Riding
    The funny thing about these rules is that they sound more like the "rules to date my sister" that my brother suplied me. my father figure my bro was so hard on any guy i dated that that he passed on the torch to him to protect me.

    BUT WHO EVER SAID I NEEDED PROTECTING? no one asked me about my opinion.
  4. by   Gator,SN
    I will print these off for future use. My daughter is 14 and I especially liked rule 8.
  5. by   txspadequeenRN
    this is great, i have 4 girls all blond and blue eyes 11,4,2,1. my husband is the sittin on the porch with shotgun in hand type. he has already told me he will be fingerprinting and making copies of dl's, along with requiring a background and criminal checks.




    Quote from adidas99
    rule one - if you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure as heck not picking anything up.

    rule two - you do not touch my daughter in front of me. you may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. if you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, i will remove them.

    rule three - i am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. still, i want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so i propose this compromise: you may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and i will not object. however, in order to assure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, i will take my electric staple gun and fasten your trousers securely in place around your waist.

    rule four - i'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you. let me elaborate: when it comes to sex, i am the barrier, and i will kill you.

    rule five - in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. please do not do this. the only information i require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word i need from you on this subject is "early."

    rule six - i have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. this is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. if you make her cry, i will make you cry.

    rule seven - as you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. if you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. my daughter is putting on her makeup, a process which can take longer than painting the golden gate bridge. instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?

    rule eight - the following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. places lacking parents, policemen, or nuns. places where there is darkness. places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff t-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka zipped up to her chin. movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which feature chainsaws are okay. hockey games are okay.
    Last edit by txspadequeenRN on Jan 10, '08
  6. by   adidas99
    Quote from Still Riding
    The funny thing about these rules is that they sound more like the "rules to date my sister" that my brother suplied me. my father figure my bro was so hard on any guy i dated that that he passed on the torch to him to protect me.

    BUT WHO EVER SAID I NEEDED PROTECTING? no one asked me about my opinion.
    Ha...tell me about it....my bro is the same way. He has even told me that no guy is good enough for me....so hmm...i have to be single? whatever.
    Last edit by adidas99 on Jan 29, '07
  7. by   missmercy
    Ok, have been married for 16 years and my dad and brother are still "deciding" if he's good enough for me!!

    Those guys made mincemeat of just about everyone that I wanted to go out with!! Between the two, I thought I would be single FOREVER!! Gotta admit -- pain in the hindquarters that it was -- sure is nice to know they care!!
  8. by   psychomachia
    My favorite line from the movie "Clueless":

    Dan Hedaya as Cher's father Mel: "Hey you! Anything happens to my daughter, I've got a .45 and a shovel. I doubt anybody would miss you."
  9. by   nightingale


    quote:

    Rule Four - I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate: when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I WILL kill you.



    quote:

    Rule Eight - The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places lacking parents, policemen, or nuns. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka zipped up to her chin. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which feature chainsaws are okay. Hockey games are okay.


    ----

    My goal these days (and will be for the next 5-6 years till she is at college - on scholoarship) is to keep my beautiful 13 yr. old, blonde, blue-eyed daughter a VIRGIN; she will grow up thinking that is "normal" (I did not).



  10. by   karenG
    My dad wrote these rules a long time ago.............its good to see they have crossed the pond!!

    Karen
  11. by   Roy Fokker
    Forgot two rules:
    Rule Nine:
    Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.

    Rule Ten:
    Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit your car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.

  12. by   prmenrs
    One father of 4 girls told me when the 1st one hit 12, he was going to "get a pit bull terrier w/AIDS and put it in the front yard".
  13. by   lpnstudentin2010
    the only problem I see with them is rule 8. movies with chainsaws may not be smart either. she may get so scared she needs to be held.
  14. by   zamboni
    Quote from JustaPatient
    the only problem I see with them is rule 8. movies with chainsaws may not be smart either. she may get so scared she needs to be held.
    I agree. Rule 8 has problems...only mine is with this line...

    Hockey games are okay.
    I may be an adult, but I'm still a daughter. And if you want to win my heart, take me to a hockey game! (I told my BF that if he ever does anything stupid like buys me a diamond engagement ring, I'm gonna hock it for season tickets...and not invite him as punishment for not knowing what to buy me in the first place!)

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