...........that I can't seem to make decisions? I mean, seriously. Is it some sort of chemical imbalance or is it some inherited mutant gene or something. I'd really love to know! Is this my personality forever. Dysthmia or something? Am I just an overthinker. I mean, what?
I want to know if anyone else has this problem. And I mean not just having a hard time making up your mind, but I mean SEVERE vascilation in coming up with an important decision, vascilation that NEVER ENDS.
I have to decide now whether I want to go ahead and continue Nursing School in the Spring. Those of you that know my story (how could you not?:deadhorse ), know how much I struggled with whether nursing was (is?) right for me. First I said, "Well, I'll never know till I try". Halfway thru the semester, I acknowleged that I loved learning and feeling like I was doing something worthy but mostly wanted to hide in the SPD closet all during clinical. There were many tear soaked Thursday nights writing careplans till the wee hours
where I swore I was just going to drop out and do something else. I would be 100% confident that that was the right thing to do at 12 am. Then, I would wake up, get to school (griping or crying the whole way), and by the end of the day, think, "Maybe I can do this. Maybe it is not so bad".
I would feel like everyone else... until the next week, when the whole cycle would repeat itself!!! But am I EXCITED to start an IV or do a dressing change?? Not in the slightest!
Do I think it is interesting to learn what happens to the body in COPD??:1luvu: Oh yeah!!
But now, just like the beginning of LAST semester, I say, "Ok. Maybe I COULD do this, but do I WANT to do this??" WANT being the operative word. Again, just like last semester, I can't answer (or am afraid to answer?). I told myself I would be able to tell after semester 1, but I still can't. I don't really like the hands on of nursing but I think I would feel very much like a failure if I quit school. I feel like maybe something in nursing could be for me, I just don't know it yet? I feel like "what if I am giving up the opportunity of my lifetime??" My sister thinks I want to be a personal trainer deep down and thinks allow myself to admit that, quit school, and "do what I love". But I wonder if that person is even me anymore. She thinks I am pursuing this nursing degree for everyone else but myself.
No offense to trainers here, but I feel like if I were to stop now and go into training that I will have failed. I almost feel like that in order to be termed a "success" in life I have to make over $20.00/hr consistently. Then I get to thinking about the other people in NS with me and think, "They aren't any better than me" but then I still wonder what the heck I am doing when I smell feces again for the millionth time that day. I don't get warm fuzzies from helping people. No, I just get more and more depressed from seeing sick people all day in and all day out every day. Now I am working in the hospital and with my dad's recent diagnosis..........well, it seems I can't get away from all of it! Uck! Everyone is SICK SICK SICK. I want to be around people that are relatively healthy and want to get healthier or stronger.
You know, it is like I have a little angel and a little devil on my shoulders all the time but neither ever wins out. It is just a constant argument.
They argue about school, about having kids...anything more important than what is for dinner. I go to therapy and get on meds...nope, that didn't help......I talk to people at school.......nope, they can't relate....talk to my husband.....he has no advice, can't relate. Talk to my family......they say "you gotta do what is right for you"..........BUT WHY CAN'T I DECIDE ANYTHING FOR SURE, MAKE IT HAPPEN, AND FEEL CONFIDENT IN MY DECISIONS??? I have got to decide about school NOW. I have a thousand dollar bill that has to be paid!! I pushed snooze on my alarm today........swore I shouldn't go to school...just drop out....cried all the way there (over various things I am sure)........but stayed. And felt better when the day was over. Not about my decision to go to school, but about the fact that I am still here. I pushed through one more day. Yeah me.
I mean, I think about this crap so much that it literally consumes me.
I buy self help books to try and "fix" myself. I wonder what happened to the old me that just knew I was screwed up from childhood but wasn't consumed with dysfunction. Back then I wanted to workout, I wanted to be healthy, but I guess was never truly "happy" either. Now, I just wonder what it all is for....why bother?
Should I flip a coin????? I am seriously about ready to, LOL.
Oh..............I know! I could make it into an allnurses poll?? Aww, c'mon... Do you guys want to decide for me????? Ok....should I have kids and should I continue on in nursing school are the subjects up for debate...LOL....Can I make hiding under the sheets curled into the fetal position for the rest of my life an option? Pretty please?
Dec 10, '05
I can understand what you are going through. I am a nurse and always thought I wanted to be one. I realize that I am not much for bedside nursing. I do case management now, which I do like because I am able to still be involved in medicine, which I enjoy. Truthfully, I should have been a detective. But anyway, I think you should make a list of all of the reasons you believe you want to be a nurse and all of the reason that you don't. If your reasons to not be one heavily outway the reasons to be one then maybe you have your answer. Consider volunteering at the hospital and get a better feel on what nursing is all about or if you are able to get a job as a nursing assistant. When I did floor nursing, I felt like a glorified waitress. I was tired of being around sick people as well. But, do know, that there are areas that you can do where you are not dealing really with sick people or at least for very long. You could be a surgical nurse where you manage the operating room, you could do recovery room, you could do endoscopy where you are giving meds during procedures, you could do mother/baby, which is mothers after they deliver. I do not believe that they are really sick. You could do telemetry. They may be sick but they can do a lot for themselves and probably not going to deal with a lot of gross stuff. You could do office nursing. There are a lot of options. If you like being a trainer then maybe you should consider being a physical therapist. They make good money as well. There are many options in nursing. But, if I had did it again, I might have been a doctor or a detective. DO not do it for other people. You really need to look at what do you like about nursing and what do you not like about nursing. If the bad outway the good, then you should have your answer. IF there are certains things that you like about it, then consider if there is other careers that match the things you enjoy in nursing.
DO not worry, I am a nurse and still battle today on what I should do. I can not make a decision either and battle my own demons regarding what path to take in nursing. I often tell myself that I need to either sh#@! or get off of the pot. If you are really depressed try to find out what is really driving your depression. Feeling of making the wrong decision and failure drives my anxiety which goes along with perfectionism (thanks, mom!). I would try to get your mood stabilized (possibly antidepressants) before making a decision because you are not likely thinking rationally if you are depressed. Hope this helps!
Last edit by aaac on Dec 10, '05