It's been a long road to get here.
Last night I had a dream that I was bad at my job and was being replaced, passed over for promotion, and then locked down by the powers that be on a subway platform with an environmental toxin that induced craziness. How's that for madness inducing? My dreams often feel so real that I wake up in quite the mood.
Thankfully there was some positivity at work this morning, and I was able to get out of my funk. If I'm anything, it's resillient.
Life's been no bed of roses. I'm a psych nurse today because that's the best kind of nurse for me to be. All the other things I've done in life I did because I had a knack for them. Some innate talent that served me well even if I didn't have the edumication to go along with it. When I went to nursing school as an adult, after being so many different things in life, I feared I could not be taught. Me? Taught something I didn't already have a knack for? Couldn't do guitar lessons, even with a musical ear. Couldn't stand art class, even with my keen asthetics. Writing? I can write but don't ask me to explain the rules of the English language. I play riffs on guitar or fills on drums that sound right to me. Same with writing.
Not to mention that I had a learning disability I didn't know about until I was 34. As an adult with a clue on how my brain worked, I got my 4.0GPA and got into nursing school. Too bad with a half a day left before graduating I screwed up and got the boot. I had to retake the whole last semester. See my name here at AllNurses? 2006 isn't entirely correct. Sure I got my LPN in the interim, but I didnt graduate and become an RN until 2007 because of my mistake.
See, my wife and I tried to have kids two years after we got married. 10 years and many failed attempts at treatments later, not to mention numerous miscarriages, we conceived. Only we lost our miracle boy two weeks before he was due. We managed to get lucky eight months later, and we have a miracle son if there ever was one. No more after him, just 4 more miscarriages. So when I lost my job in IT I became a stay-at-home dad. I decided to go to school to be a nurse shortly after. Toward the end I made the mistake of arranging to do my mother/baby rotation at the same hospital where we'd lost our son. I didn't see how volitile a situation that would be. It was to be the final rotation of clinicals, the long days, and I was convinced I was going to make a bad situation into something I could use to help others. With a day and a half before graduating, I talked to a mom about a twin she'd lost. I wasn't supposed to. I was so obssessed with helping, that I crossed too many boundaries.
But now that time has gone by, I can see it needed to happen. Obssessed was a critical word in that last sentence of the previous paragraph. Shortly after being forced to withdraw, I had a conversation with an uncle that led to futher understanding of my actions. Like him and other members of my family, I am "Pure-O". I've got the obssessional component of OCD. So this, combined with all the other things I deal with, has been a major contributor to my being distracted, not "in the moment", unable to focus, stop worrying, etc. Meds help. No longer do I spend days so bent out of shape that nobody can stand to be around me. Now it's just a few hours tops.
When I did graduate, Magna Cum Laude, it was a year after I was supposed to, but with a newfound understanding that life would be different from that point on. As soon as I got hired to work a med surge floor I knew I wanted to get out. I wasn't going to be able to work mother/baby and be there for those dads going through what I went through, but if I could get onto a psych unit, I'd be in the right place.
6 months later, I transferred to psych. I'm the nurse patients felt comfortable with. I was the one who was asked why the other nurses seemed to talk down to the patients. I spent time out on the floor, instead of hiding in the nurses station. I liked working with the patients. The staff, on the other hand...
At my new job, I am a resource. I work on a team with a couple of social workers and a psychologist, and we provide training and consultation to the staff that provide direct care and case management to our 1600 or so consumers. We also get called in when consumers have issues their case managers can't seem to help them with. People are always telling me that they've never had a nurse here that can connect so well with the consumers, and they're thankful for that. Makes me feel like I'm in the right place in nursing.
Doing something I apparently have a knack for.