What is wrong with me????

[Curious1alwys]

...........that I can't seem to make decisions? I mean, seriously. Is it some sort of chemical imbalance or is it some inherited mutant gene or something. I'd really love to know! Is this my personality forever. Dysthmia or something? Am I just an overthinker. I mean, what?

I want to know if anyone else has this problem. And I mean not just having a hard time making up your mind, but I mean SEVERE vascilation in coming up with an important decision, vascilation that NEVER ENDS.

I have to decide now whether I want to go ahead and continue Nursing School in the Spring. Those of you that know my story (how could you not?:deadhorse ), know how much I struggled with whether nursing was (is?) right for me. First I said, "Well, I'll never know till I try". Halfway thru the semester, I acknowleged that I loved learning and feeling like I was doing something worthy but mostly wanted to hide in the SPD closet all during clinical. There were many tear soaked Thursday nights writing careplans till the wee hours:no: where I swore I was just going to drop out and do something else. I would be 100% confident that that was the right thing to do at 12 am. Then, I would wake up, get to school (griping or crying the whole way), and by the end of the day, think, "Maybe I can do this. Maybe it is not so bad".:w00t: I would feel like everyone else... until the next week, when the whole cycle would repeat itself!!! But am I EXCITED to start an IV or do a dressing change?? Not in the slightest!:barf01: Do I think it is interesting to learn what happens to the body in COPD??:1luvu: Oh yeah!!

But now, just like the beginning of LAST semester, I say, "Ok. Maybe I COULD do this, but do I WANT to do this??" WANT being the operative word. Again, just like last semester, I can't answer (or am afraid to answer?). I told myself I would be able to tell after semester 1, but I still can't. I don't really like the hands on of nursing but I think I would feel very much like a failure if I quit school. I feel like maybe something in nursing could be for me, I just don't know it yet? I feel like "what if I am giving up the opportunity of my lifetime??" My sister thinks I want to be a personal trainer deep down and thinks allow myself to admit that, quit school, and "do what I love". But I wonder if that person is even me anymore. She thinks I am pursuing this nursing degree for everyone else but myself.

No offense to trainers here, but I feel like if I were to stop now and go into training that I will have failed. I almost feel like that in order to be termed a "success" in life I have to make over $20.00/hr consistently. Then I get to thinking about the other people in NS with me and think, "They aren't any better than me" but then I still wonder what the heck I am doing when I smell feces again for the millionth time that day. I don't get warm fuzzies from helping people. No, I just get more and more depressed from seeing sick people all day in and all day out every day. Now I am working in the hospital and with my dad's recent diagnosis..........well, it seems I can't get away from all of it! Uck! Everyone is SICK SICK SICK. I want to be around people that are relatively healthy and want to get healthier or stronger.

You know, it is like I have a little angel and a little devil on my shoulders all the time but neither ever wins out. It is just a constant argument.:argue: They argue about school, about having kids...anything more important than what is for dinner. I go to therapy and get on meds...nope, that didn't help......I talk to people at school.......nope, they can't relate....talk to my husband.....he has no advice, can't relate. Talk to my family......they say "you gotta do what is right for you"..........BUT WHY CAN'T I DECIDE ANYTHING FOR SURE, MAKE IT HAPPEN, AND FEEL CONFIDENT IN MY DECISIONS??? I have got to decide about school NOW. I have a thousand dollar bill that has to be paid!! I pushed snooze on my alarm today........swore I shouldn't go to school...just drop out....cried all the way there (over various things I am sure)........but stayed. And felt better when the day was over. Not about my decision to go to school, but about the fact that I am still here. I pushed through one more day. Yeah me.

I mean, I think about this crap so much that it literally consumes me. I buy self help books to try and "fix" myself. I wonder what happened to the old me that just knew I was screwed up from childhood but wasn't consumed with dysfunction. Back then I wanted to workout, I wanted to be healthy, but I guess was never truly "happy" either. Now, I just wonder what it all is for....why bother?

Should I flip a coin????? I am seriously about ready to, LOL. Oh..............I know! I could make it into an allnurses poll?? Aww, c'mon... Do you guys want to decide for me????? Ok....should I have kids and should I continue on in nursing school are the subjects up for debate...LOL....Can I make hiding under the sheets curled into the fetal position for the rest of my life an option? Pretty please?

[timster1984]

I can definitely agree with everyone that anxiety or indecision is unique to nursing students or abnormal, I think from all walks of life people are going to deal with that since it's uncertainty of change that always makes someone pause before they do something that they haven't before. We all wonder about whether our next decision will be good or bad, regardless of what that decision is for. Hell, I'm going through the same thing myself, and I'm not even the student of what I'm shooting for, just pre-medical right now. I can't decide on nursing, medical transcription or something else as a backup plan in case the medical schools say no or whether I should even have the mindset of needing a backup plan to begin with.

Follow your heart and like everyone says, take some time off, relax and just think about it. In anything, you have to weigh the pros and cons against each other and decide whether the cons are worth the pros. There may even be twenty cons to one pro, but as long as that pro is really worth it, then that should be your answer...just remember that anything worth having doesn't come easy, ya have to fight for it. I wish you the best of luck. :)

[Lori_RN_BSN, BSN, RN]

I finished my third semester of nursing school. It was the worst semsester I ever had. My instructor's weren't helpful. If you had a question about something you have to find out for yourself. One of my classmates asked the instructor a question during clinicals and she told her to look it up. Later when mid-terms came she wrote it in her evaluation that she wasn't prepared to clinical. I am still shocked on how I got through the semester. I thought for sure I would fail. I did pediatrics, maternity, and management all at the same time. I felt overwhelmed how they packed us with information. My pediatric instructor failed me mid-term. I couldn't believe I was failing. It was a wake up call for me. I worried every single day about failing. I tried to think positively and became very prepared to clinical to answer questions and do my paper work as best as i could. I went to go see my instructor a week before our finals. She passed me and said she was looking forward to my graduation in May 2006. I felt uncomfortable with her throughout the semester. She had this flat affect to her face. NO emotions. I'm just really glad I'm on break to relax and forget about nursing school for a little while. I relate to all of you on how stressful nursing school can be. I gained 20 lbs first semester and I now break out in hives if I stress about something.

[oneLoneNurse]

I never wanted to be a nurse. The goverment gave me a sweet heart deal to become one. I have now been one since 1984.

Nursing is something you can always fall back on or you can make it a career. You chose. The important thing is to finish if you can. You can be a personal trainer, physical therapist, lawyer, geologist, auto mechanic, plumber after you finish. But, the important thing is to do the best you can and finish if you can.

[sherber1214]

Wow, all of these stories sounds alot like what I am going through as well. I have always had trouble making up my mind, but even more so now that I am a brand new nurse. I just did a 20 week orientation to L&D, which wasn't right for me, then to postpartum. Having trouble making decisions was one of the reasons it didn't work out for me, nurses must be quick to make life changing decisions for their patients. I may never be the nurse I thought I wanted to be. I now think I may have made the wrong career choice, but I just can't give up totally! I just wish I could find my niche in nursing. I, like you, don't like hospitals and being around sick people. Although postpartum/labor & delivery wasn't really like helping sick people, I did my share of monitoring c section pt's and sick babies. I just don't think I am cut out for it. I am now unemployed and have bills to pay...and a single parent! I wish I could figure out what to do. Does anyone know what it takes to become a school nurse? I think that would suit me pretty good, not great deal of sick people or lifethreatening decision making! Any suggestions would be sooo much appreiated! Thnks all of you for sharing your stories, I now feel a little better about myself. I am a caring person and a hard worker,,,,there has got to be something out there for me!:smackingf

[jjjoy, LPN]

Count me in with the can't-make-decisions crowd. I was just telling a friend the other day that I'd be the donkey that starves because it can't make up its mind which bale of hay to to eat from.

I have to actively remind myself that it's okay to make less than perfect decisions. That it's okay to make decisions without having ALL possible information regarding it available. That I don't have to beat myself up and feel pathetic and hopeless if I make a decision that later turns out disappointingly. That if I truly *knew* something would turn out poorly, I wouldn't choose it; so when a decision doesn't turn out well, I can remind myself that I really *didn't* know how it would turn for sure and I decided that it was worth the try.

I try to remind myself that in most situations, no matter the outcomes, the experience is priceless. So no matter if I go with choice A or choice B, something unique and special will come of it. And while I may fantasize that a foregone opportunity would have led to all sorts of wonderful things, I really don't know for sure that things would've been better had I chosen differently. At the very least, I might've been so happy that I didn't pay attention crossing the street and got ran over and couldn't enjoy all the wonderous things of the opportunity lost that I'm mourning. It's a bit of an exaggerated thought, but my worries are often exaggerated.

Finally, I also work to accept that if I'm not sure about something, I'm just not sure and that's okay. And that it's just a part of life that we often have to make decisions even if we aren't sure exactly what we want. And I can remind myself after the fact that yes maybe I had my doubts but that doesn't necessarly mean I shouldn't've have done something differently. I've had times where I had doubts and things turned out better than I could've imagined. Somethings you can't know til you've tried.

My internal critic dismisses all logical arguments as it focuses on finding all the ways I'm to blame. If that hyper-critical voice becomes overwhelming, I find solace in hearing other people's internal struggles and doubts. It reminds me that self-doubt is normal and that we all have our own struggles. It does nothing directly to move me towards a decision, but it relieves so much pressure to *make the right choice* and *not screw everything up* that I feel less paralyzed by my choices. Whatever happens, even if I make some decisions that look really bad in retrospect, I'll manage and still make a good life for myself. I can forgive myself and love myself for having done the best I could at that time.

[oneLoneNurse]

Me too. I sold my house last July with the plan to move back home to Canada and/or back into nursing informatics. But, have not made a decision as to what I am doing. I think as we grow older it is harder for us. Don't want to make stupid decisions like I did when I was younger.