Should I give up my dream job or risk my marriage?

Nurses Nurse Beth

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  • Career Columnist / Author
    Specializes in Tele, ICU, Staff Development.

Dear Nurse Beth,

I am in need of some advice about a decision regarding my future in nursing. In 2013 I graduated from nursing school with my BSN. I got my degree in another state than where I would be living with my then fiance now husband. When I returned to California the job market was hard to get a foot into. After hundreds of applications to hospitals in the Southern California area, I took a job at a ambulatory surgery center. This at the time seemed like the best option for my new marriage considering that I didn't have to work nights or weekends. The surgery center has allowed me to learn and grow in a less intense environment than a hospital setting, but everyday I would crave the training I would get in a hospital.

To make things more complicated my husband has been wanting to move back to Atlanta and therefore I had started to apply for jobs with the anticipation he would get a job there first. Unfortunately, the job market for him in Atlanta is dismal. About 2 weeks ago I interviewed for my dream job at my dream hospital in Atlanta for an OR training program. to my surprise I was offered one of the positions. Now my husband got a job offer in Knoxville, TN (3 hours away from Atlanta).

We have been discussing/ arguing about whether or not I take the job in Atlanta (where we want to be eventually) Since my husband will definitely take the job in Knoxville. I feel like if I pass up this opportunity I will never get it again. On the other hand I feel like my husband thinks I don't want the same things as him and therefore this will put a huge strain on our marriage. I am not sure if you could help me. I just don't know if I should walk away from my dream job. I am afraid that I won't have the same opportunity in Knoxville.


Dear Husband vs Job,

Unfortunately career decisions can't always be neatly separated from relationship decisions. It's complicated. And marriage is give and take. Your marriage is young, and these are turbulent, uncharted waters for you as a couple.

The decisions you are facing together are big challenges. But they are also an opportunity for improved communication and intimacy. You didn't say what your husband actually said, you said what you feel he may be thinking. Are there misunderstandings because of assumptions?

Talk with him about how you make decisions together as a married couple and discover what is really at stake for each of you here. Are you talking about jobs and locations or are you talking about feeling misunderstood?

Is there a power struggle? Will you hold resentments if you give up the dream job in Atlanta?

Have you considered counseling? I highly recommend it for you. It's amazing how a third party can help you connect and clarify what your are feeling.

Best wishes,

Nurse Beth

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CrunchRN, ADN, RN

4,530 Posts

Specializes in Clinical Research, Outpt Women's Health.

Go with your husband if you love him.

Jobs come and go and you can find them anywhere. Usually with a local address and licenseyou will get a much better response to applications.

Wrench Party

823 Posts

Specializes in Cardiology, Cardiothoracic Surgical.

You have to ask yourself what you really want. What is more important, your marriage, your career, or husband's career? Nursing is very portable and flexible as a career (just ask military spouses who are nurses). Your husband's career may be less so.

I don't see why you can't work around your field in Knoxville (ambulatory/OR) and then transfer to the large hospital when it comes time to move to Atlanta. You may have even better luck the second time around when applying for an OR position.

The hospital is not going to blacklist you for declining a position. Just thank them in a professional manner, say your plans have changed but you would love to work for them in the future. Recruiters are used to life circumstances happening.

Bell13, ASN

77 Posts

Maybe I am selfish but I do not understand why you have to give in instead of your husband for the second time. You dont mention whether his job is more income or more 'important' but it sounds like you are the one that always has to make the adjustments.

dine saw

56 Posts

You said the location of his job and yours would be 3 hrs apart. Why not move somewhere in the middle? That is, if you both don't mind commuting 1.5 hrs.

Trauma Columnist

traumaRUs, MSN, APRN

88 Articles; 21,249 Posts

Specializes in Nephrology, Cardiology, ER, ICU.

I've been married for 35 years and feel I can easily speak to this. When my husband and I got married, I was in the USN and he was in the USAF. We got married in Japan, had a baby and moved all over the place. We've weathered separations up to one year. Fast forward to 2008 - hubby had a chance for a great job three hours away. However, I have a great job also and at this point, we decided for him to go for it.

Now...its 2015 and he has a condo three hours away, I live in the house and we commute on the weekends, we text during the day and talk nightly. And...we've been married 35 years - we love each other VERY much and I can tell you with texting, phone calls, computers, its soooo much easier now then it was when we were both active duty.

Its a decision though that should be made jointly. Best wishes on a wise decision.

I'm a military spouse and it's hard! I have dream job(s) and things I'd really love to do that wouldn't really benefit our marriage. Luckily my husband is super understanding and we always come up with a plan to make both of us happy. I respect his career and he respects mine; I'll follow him anywhere no matter what. I am a nurse but more importantly I am his wife. I can get a job I like anywhere,I can volunteer and go on mission trips and have his support 200% anytime..but one thing I can't do is mess up my marriage to the greatest man on earth that I share my life with. He is a way bigger deal to me than a dream job.

With that being said,if your dream job is in Atlanta and your man is 3hours away-make it work homegirl! Either take a travel job there,find a new dream job closer to home,commute or persuade him to follow you.

Good luck and wishing you the best!

Specializes in ICU.

I can't fathom why you would risk your marriage for a job. I'm sorry. I agree with Nurse Beth that I think counseling would do the two of you wonders. Because you both need to figure out how much your marriage is worth to the two of you.

Who is the breadwinner? Does he make more than you as a nurse? Are you prepared to carry the full load as you yourself stayed the job market there is dismal for him. You need to think about that. You may think this is your dream job, but what if the working environment sucks? You won't be able to quit and look for a new one. You will be the sole source of income for your family. Want to have a kid? Not if your family relies solely on you. You won't be able to afford the time off.

To me, you have tunnel vision here and you are hurting your husband's ego to boot. There is an awful lot to think about here. My ex-husband put his career before his family. And guess what? He's my ex now. You should never put what you want before what is best for the two of you. Never. That works both ways. The man should never do it either.

Kuriin, BSN, RN

967 Posts

Specializes in Emergency.

I disagree. You gave in already and you could potentially miss out on a dream job. Why doesn't he take his job and you take your job and you guys can commute back and forth on weekends? Find a happy medium. If you don't take yours, you may resent him. If he doesn't take his, he may resent you.

lindseylpn

420 Posts

Knoxville is awesome btw 😊 I don't see any reason why you couldn't find a comparable job their either. I would never risk my marriage for a job.

mimidoo1

4 Posts

I agree with Nurse Beth.A job is a job.Marriage is forever.I believe you will get job offers through out your nursing career.Take it from a nurse who is also married for 36 years,jobs come and go always remember that .Good luck

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