The most outrageous excuses from patients.

Someone who failed a drug test: "I had a really bad headache last night, and I didn't know I had taken a Percocet."

(ever try reading the bottle before you take the pill?)

Another one came in with a .20 BAC. Looked us all straight in the face and swore they weren't drinking: instead, they tried to blame it on the Nyquil they were taking for their cold.

(uh huh. Right...)

"I slipped and fell on it".

Pt. at ED, "I really don't know how that got in there"
nurse... "Yeah, right..." nuff said.

Amen. I didnt know so many people kept lightbulbs laying around their houses.

Lots of interesting things removed from human orifices in the ED...

And the OR, when things have gone "too far" for retrieval in the ER.


Recent history: vibrator (still running) that required colon resection, shampoo bottle (fell on it- in the garage), tennis ball (why, just why?), fish hooks (ouch!), buckyballs (man, those things can be incredibly dangerous, and DO NOT make good facial piercings), and many, many more.

Plump 88-year-old male nursing home resident refused to eat breakfast because, "I need to lose some weight. I've got to get my figure back!"

Patient's tox screen came back positive for cocaine..."It must have been that crack my daughter and her friends were smoking the other day...I must have inhaled some of it!!"

When performing tox screens for potential study participants in a healthy normal research study, participant was positive for barbituates. He said he was only in the room when they were smoking...too bad they are generally only in pill form and you usually consciously ingest the pills.

They'd come out of the bathroom with cold, clear specimens with a SG of 1.0000 and a temp less than 90F (clearly it was tap water). I'd ask if they were sure this came directly from their bladder. They'd swear yes and ask why...I'd tell them that I'd have to contact the physician immediately as they'd likely need to be transferred to the hospital for an evaluation by a renal specialist as if they were voiding cool water they had bigger problems than if they were positive for narcotics. (Magically their repeat specimen was proper color, temperature and SG...and positive for marajuanna and cocaine.)

My favorite excuse this month............."I borrowed that bag. That's not my crack pipe."

Yep. One of my former classmates was employed as an LPN in a small-town ER, and one of her patients presented with a beer bottle stuffed in his anorectal area that he was unable to remove.

I have seen lots of sexually transmitted cocaine, as well as lots of toilet-seat gonorrhea. Mmmmhmmm.