The most outrageous excuses from patients.

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I know there are a lot of outrageous excuses from patients. Please share them!

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Specializes in Community, OB, Nursery.

I have seen lots of sexually transmitted cocaine, as well as lots of toilet-seat gonorrhea. Mmmmhmmm.

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Specializes in burn ICU, SICU, ER, Trauma Rapid Response.

Still one of my favorites is for all the teen age virgins who come up pregnant. I like the public swimming pool excuse the best but also good is the "I barrowed my friends undwear".

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Specializes in Gerontology, Med surg, Home Health.

"My girl friend MADE me do it" said the 6' 3" man with part of an aquarium hose sticking out of his......

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Specializes in Pediatric/Adolescent, Med-Surg.

A patient who had just been told she was pregnant "So nurse just exactly how did this happen and how long have I been this way?" ummm.

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Specializes in Step-down, cardiac.

How about, "I don't do cocaine! My girlfriend was snorting it off our coffee table, and I slipped and fell, and my face landed in a pile of it." Seriously.

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Specializes in Medsurg/ICU, Mental Health, Home Health.
I have seen lots of sexually transmitted cocaine, as well as lots of toilet-seat gonorrhea. Mmmmhmmm.

Remember the Seinfeld episode with gonorrhea transmitted via tractor? Hahaha!

I've told this one before, but my favorite excuse is a tie...

A man was walking around his kitchen nude, as you do, and plum forgot about the empty Grey Poupon bottle sitting on the chair. One emergent colostomy later...I wonder if he learned his lesson.

The other gentleman was sleeping well when awoken by a vibration in his belly. He immediately knew what had happened - his silly cousin had slipped a vibrator in there as a prank. So, naturally, he had to get that thing out of there...using, what else...a fork! He actually didn't need a colostomy, just an ex lap.

I miss being an inner city surgical nurse. Really, and truly I do. :)

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I love the one where she puts the blame on her friend, I got pregnant because "I borrowed my friends underwear". Teens say the stupidest thing to get out of trouble and they believe what they say justifies their actions, yet they still believe they know it all.

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Specializes in Short Term/Skilled.

I'm trying to stop smoking pot so I don't lose my kid. ( in response to why he would smoke the synthetic garbage that has been made illegal in our state)

"No day but today"

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Specializes in ED staff.

"I have no idea how that got in there!" Mr. Smith there seems to be a long serpentine necklace in your bladder.

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Specializes in PCU/Telemetry.

Psychotic patient (who happens to be a practicing MD) has been drinking water & juice all night long. At 0615, pt states "I can't take my morning pills. I have dry mouth syndrome so I can't talk right now or take any pills."

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Specializes in Adult ICU.

Dont prick me, dont have veins - :cautious:

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Remember the Seinfeld episode with gonorrhea transmitted via tractor? Hahaha!

The other gentleman was sleeping well when awoken by a vibration in his belly. He immediately knew what had happened - his silly cousin had slipped a vibrator in there as a prank. So, naturally, he had to get that thing out of there...using, what else...a fork! He actually didn't need a colostomy, just an ex lap.

I miss being an inner city surgical nurse. Really, and truly I do. :)

Um, the words "cousin" and "slipped a vibrator" do NOT belong in the same sentence!!! And, in the belly? Really?

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