Recovering opiate addict: In need of advice

Nurses Recovery

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Hello all,I'm so glad I fought this forum. I've replied to several posts but thought it was time I told my story.Shewwww here goes: I have been a nurse since 2006. Worked in ICU & ER for a couple years from there moved on to my dream job. I work there for about a yr & in the last few months started diverting Percocet. I couldn't believe what I was doing at times it felt like I was having an out of body experience, I was sick, both physically & mentally. Im scared now that I'll never be given a second chance to prove I'm no longer that "sick" person. Recovery has been a long lonely road & at times I've tried giving up but I know now God has other plans for me. I always wanted to be a nurse, I was good at what I did but now bc of my addiction I may never be given another chance. I can look back now & be thankful for the road I have traveled bc it's made me the person I am today, which is a strong, health woman. I just wish there were more ppl out there that understood that addiction is a disease & not everybody that suffers from this illness is not a dead beat, loser that doesn't want & need help. Well this has been my story in a nut shell. I hope I can help others out there that have walked in my worn out shoes.

Specializes in Adult/Ped Emergency and Trauma.

It's bittersweet that the wreck also was my first desire to enter the medical field. I add this because we can let out most horrid memories fuel the flame of our sickness, or use it for good.

When the truck came to a rest, I knew my brother was in an unimaginable shape. I knew we were miles from help. I had several fractured ribs, and I was having trouble breathing, let alone screaming(I wanted to scream soooooooo bad)! The truck cabin or what was left of it smelled like burning latex, oil, and that smell of running hot.

My brother, as bad as he was(and I remember it like yesterday) was able to cry out. It haunts me to this day, "I'm all busted up, I'm all busted up." All I could do was look at him laying 30 ft ahead crumpled up not moving. My legs were pinned, I was hanging by my belt. And I prayed.

I prayed at 15 years old- hanging there, that a helicopter full of medical staff would land, and they'd save him- I was ready for this, just focused on him, he was crying for mom.

He was everyone's favorite. He was "dad's boy."

They didn't come. Just some County EMTs and a few volunteer firemen. I saw them pulling up, and stopping shortly looking at my brother, and then coming for me.

"Why are you coming for me?" I thought- unable to speak. Can't you see my brother needs help- and he's free, I'm pinned! Help Him!

I was sooooo angry! They just left him there making awful sounds, and focused all attention on me!

I noticed as they pulled me out he was no longer moving his arm, and he wasn't making that sound anymore.

I felt so guilty, more than a 15 yr old could process. I decided then and there I would be a nurse- and a good one. No one would get left behind like that. I was going to save the world.

I couldn't even save myself.

That's why I have to get through this. I still have vivid nightmares. When I wake up, I still have to make these decisions everytime a) I'm going to survive this. b) I'm not using this to relapse c) I have to be clean for that 15 year old who may be coming through those doors at any time- because I still want to be "that" nurse, that didn't make it there that horrid day. I have to be clean for "that" day!

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Oh my goodness Boston your story literally brought me to tears. I'm so sorry for everything you've had to go through. I know you have to be one good Nurse.

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Specializes in Adult/Ped Emergency and Trauma.

No, I am a human that cares so deeply for other humans in pain, no matter what the thorn is. I brought my thorn on myself. The one thing I heard that helped me so in my recovery was "we're only as sick as our darkest secret." To this day, I hold that one so close as my whole family thinks he was taken instantly. They think that because I promised them. We have to break through our own walls, and then we can find healing through forgiveness- in my situation it was me- others have others to forgive. I just want everyone to reach their potential and be happy:) It can be done. We are worth that still. No one here is damaged goods on my watch.

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I like your statement "we're only as sick as our darkest secret". Bc of everything I've with through with my addiction a lot of bad memories resurfaced. Things I never told anyone. I was sexually abused as a child & wasn't able to ever tell no one not even my parents. After struggling so hard for my entire childhood & most of my adulthood I finally was able to tell everyone. If I were to say I wanted to go back & change the past (referring to my diversion which lead to my addiction) I would be lying. I feel bc of the things I have experienced has made me the strong person I am today. 2ys ago I was a sick person, in the heat of my addiction but today I'm at a much better place. Thank you for sharing your story Boston, it has truly touched me :)

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Specializes in Adult/Ped Emergency and Trauma.

I am so glad your still here today. I hope you acheive your wildest dreams, but even more that you find peace, joy, and serenity. I wouldn't say I believed in it if I hadn't found it myself.

I still have very depressing "hide under the cover" days. But, if I get through them sober- I win. They are less and less now.

I'm so glad you've come so far. I can see your strength in your writing GA_RN2006! Thank you for sharing,

I am sorry about that violation, my trauma was indirect, I'm sorry someone intentionally hurt you- that's why I don't compare my walk- against others who have faced much deeper pain!

I am glad you survived!

I look forward to reading your posts here- all across Allnurses, they give many hope, strength, and direction. I'll never forget in my early addiction recovery reading post after post, just like yours! Long before I was a member.

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Specializes in ER, Psych.

Oh Boston, my heart sunk and I filled with tears reading the story of the wreck. You are an inspiration. Your words of encouragment and compassion are felt on this board and I know, without a doubt, you touch many lives with the patients you care for.

You touched my life. God bless you, and all the recovering nurses out there.

Stay strong and keep fighting. We didn't come this far to give up. DON'T EVER GIVE UP!

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Specializes in Adult/Ped Emergency and Trauma.

If I can brag on someone, it would be Meriwhen. MW has no clue how how much I was helped by the skilled, vast amount of knowledge, and compassion in each post(once again long before I was a member).

Remember, a guide(now Asst. Administrator:)), is a VOLUNTEER! (I'm sorry to say I don't know if Meriwhen is male/female, so I'm keeping this "gender neutral.").

Meriwhen has a non-judgmental, humorous, and "just-flat-talented" approach to addicts. He/she has been a bridge/"lean-to" and stronghold in my recovery reading posts that dealt with addiction through my many early months of struggling, and will never know the true positive impact on my life.

Meriwhen is the kind of nurse that leaves a thread better than it was found- (look at the "safe" atmosphere already promoted here)- and at no cost to us.

In 2012 there is still a place that offers the support and emotional guidance of a professional like Meriwhen, including an intimate glimpse into the heart of a Psychiatric/MH Healthcare Professional that has helped me a many lonely, scared, and one decision away from a full blown relapse nights just by the valuable "free" posts.

As long as there are people like this, I don't fear anything addiction can throw at us.

Meriwhen is one of my Nursing Heroes, Our unofficial "rep" lol, and one awesome human being that if I can only aspire to be 1/2 the PsychMH RN that he/she is; I'll check that dream off my list.

Thank you from the bottom of my heart Meriwhen, and every life you have changed and touched; no,... IMPACTED! When others would say we are using up good air, you see our potential. You are a Gem, and this BB and the Profession of Nursing is better because you existed!

I am in debt, and I'm sorry if I embarrassed you, but I am too grateful to take credit that isn't mine:)

-Boston

P.S. Esme12 is the kind of Nurse I was praying for that day, on the side of the road, to jump out of the helicopter!:) God, we are soooooo blessed!!!! There are some really Awesome people in our presence, and I just call it as I see it;)

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@ Boston...very well said about Meriwhen & very greatly warranted praise!! continued God's blessings on your road of recovery!!

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Specializes in LTC, Psych, Med/Surg.

Wow, Boston. I sure hope Meriwhen sees your post about her. I think "it's" a "she" lol, because "Meri" sounds female to me.

I, too, was moved by what you have been through with your brother.

For myself, every time you talk about self forgiveness, I feel like you are talking to me. Far too often I do feel like "damaged goods," when I will have eight years clean and sober on December 8!

Thank you for your kindness to all of us posting on this forum, Boston. I believe that all of us nurses in recovery have been through untold pain and we are in need of kindness to ourselves and from others.

Catmom :paw:

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Boston, I think Meriwhen and you are inspirations! Love you both!! And yes, Meriwhen, you are awesome!!! :up:

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Specializes in Adult/Ped Emergency and Trauma.

Right-on Catmom (we can be our own worst critic, worst enemy, and our self dialogue is Sooooooo important in a positive recovery!)

Run from negativity, it will bog you down!

Yeah, acceptance was like a light going off In my head on so many levels. Learning to "Accept" that I was just a human, imperfect, and with every bent to making a mistake. We make everything complicated- and analyze the heck out of everything.

I wish I just had a quarter for every time I loathed something I couldn't change. Truly understanding "I" am the only thing in this entire Universe I have a great deal of control to change was right in my face, and I missed it.

I still have tons of work to do, but your right, how many nights have we regretted our decisions, and fear future consequences for them. I had someone tell me,...

"You got one foot in yesterday, one foot in tomorrow, and your peeing all over TODAY!" (epiphany)

"Now" is the only time I have control over, and "I" am the only person I can control:)

Thanks for all the kind words, you guys are close to my heart, and in my prayers. This too shall pass.

I just finalized my divorce this week, and I did it sober! 10 years, married at 19 (no children), and I got the pup, Lol (Y'all probably knew that:)) "slick" was there every minute, so I wouldn't even allow myself to go into a convenient store that sold alcohol. He just kept on, "Your not an alcoholic- have a couple drinks and calm your nerves!" "Let's go take that incentive check to the Casino and double it!" I had to go home and get in the bed after my "Friday," and then dreamed drug dreams for the first time in years!

It is a never-ending decision to remain clean and sober. It takes a great deal of honesty to call up a friend and tell them you have been craving all day, but it does help:)

1 Peter 5:10

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Specializes in Adult/Ped Emergency and Trauma.

I hope everyone is having a great day today! GA-RN2006, TXRN2, Torsades, Wish_me_luck, Catmom, and every other recovery hero- your all on my heart even if my marker did dry out- your tattooed there now whether you want to be or not! Right along with all the LDLs, premature Stenosed Arteries, and vessel wall plaque from all the holiday food:)

You guys are amazing! I'm blessed to call you friends, and just to be a part of your day! Won't take it for granted:)

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