I feel for you, MSN. (((((HUGS))))) I know how hard it is to forgive oneself; it took me about five years of sobriety before I finally quit flagellating myself for the harm I'd done in my drinking days. Then last fall I had a brief relapse after almost 22 years sober---I didn't drink, but I did overdose on Ativan. It wasn't a suicide attempt, merely an effort to numb myself to the pain in my life at the time. But it scared the daylights out of my family, and I was aghast at what I'd done once the aftereffects had worn off.
Fortunately, this time I had some arrows in my quiver that I didn't have back when I first got sober. I am very fortunate to have a wonderful spiritual counselor and an even more amazing psychiatrist, both of whom were there for me when I felt so very ashamed. Their message was that since God had already forgiven me and my loved ones had already forgiven me, failing to forgive myself was in a sense a rejection of their forgiveness. And as far as they were concerned, the matter was over and done, and each day forward would bring a new opportunity for me to choose sobriety.
So now I've been sober again for four months and 24 days. It's a far cry from the 21 years and 9 months I was sober before, but that's four months and 24 days without giving in to the urge to violate abstinence. Just think, you've got me beat! But because you are seeing a counselor, yet still fighting shame over something you no longer do, I would suggest that you consider either changing counselors or seeing an actual doctor who specializes in addiction issues. If you have a priest or minister, their advice can also be helpful. Even a 12-step group, if you're not involved with one, would be much better than what you've got going now. And above all, stay away from ANYONE who puts you down or makes you feel guilty---this is like rubbing salt in a wound. Toxic people don't belong in your life.
Beating yourself up is not only self-defeating, it can threaten your recovery. I know when I get those old twinges of shame, it leads my mind down paths that are best left unexplored, and I think that's true of all addicts. It's built into us. But we can choose to NOT be victims of our own self-inflicted punishment.
Wishing you the very best for continuing recovery. I hope you find the help you need; it can literally save your life.