when is it okay to combat rudeness w/ rudeness?

Nurses Relations

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  1. Is it okay to no filter your words?

    • 18
      Yes
    • 21
      No

39 members have participated

I read a lot of threads here about bullying and general rudeness. The overall advice i see is either tell the manager or say politely that they are bothered by the behavior. Is it ever okay to not filter your words and actions to make a point?

Im curious on what you guys think :rolleyes:

Speaking from my experience, i get more satisfaction by dealing with the person in the demeanor they approached me initially. I've been known to walk up to people who attempted to bring me down and i would simply say , "do we have problems?" or whatever diva-fied remark that i feel is warranted. Theres no fun or satisfaction with having someone else stand up for you---- those people wont ever respect you. you will get respect by standing up to them head on and letting them know your no victim.

lol this is quite eye opening reading

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To me “do we have problems” is a not so subtle invitation to a fight. It might give you satisfaction, but in most normal situations it’s a lousy way to solve a conflict.

There are many valid reasons to remain calm and courteous, and I definitely think that one should if one wishes to be viewed as a professional. In my opinion, the objective should be to solve the problem. Since conflict resolution is the goal, calm and polite behavior is a good way to achieve it. I would think that staying employed is a worthwhile objective too, there’s another good reason. Not getting one’s sorry behind injured or arrested (once things escalate they can get out of hand) is another incentive to remain calm. I’d say it’s an overall winning strategy :)

In normal situations you can definitely get the respect of others by standing up to them. You don’t have to “lose” your filter in order to stand up to another person. You can show someone that you’re not a victim without ever resorting to “attitude”. Calm and polite works just fine, and doesn’t carry the risk of negative consequences that a more “uninhibited” approach may.

I’ve solved many conflicts, or rather threatening situations, in the past with a very aggressive (both verbally and body language) behavior, but this has all been in situations where I’ve been outnumbered by criminal individuals with a rap sheet as long as or longer than your arm, heavily favoring violent crimes. In these cases escalating the situation was the only viable option, these individuals will spot weakness or fear a mile away. The only way to control the situation and escape these confrontations relatively unscathed was through mind games and domination. Appear unafraid and twice (at least) as crazy as your opponent. The times that I’ve lost my filter it’s been a deliberate and calculated strategy. But I digress…

What I’ve described above has its’ uses in a very limited set of circumstances. In all others, it will likely make it seem like you lack self-control, and that you lack the ability to function in a social and professional environment in a way that’s expected of you.

As a nurse you’re expected to deal with emotional and/or demanding patients as well as family members in a mature and professional way. If people notice that you can’t/won’t even keep it civil with co-workers in conflict situations, I think it will affect their perception of you negatively.

Short answer: At work, keep filter intact. Solve your conflicts calmly and you will earn the respect of others.

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Specializes in Case mgmt., rehab, (CRRN), LTC & psych.

I suppose my response goes against the grain. Here it is...

Up until a few years ago, I was a frequent recipient of peoples' rudeness but could never figure out why. I was quiet, introverted, overly compliant and nonconfrontational, which is a combination of personal traits that screamed "EASY TARGET."

People didn't feel threatened by me, so they'd act snappish, insult me openly, yell, and do other things that they'd never dream of doing to other coworkers. Here's the million dollar question: "Why do some people get picked on while others are left alone?"

Keep reading. People pick on those whom they perceive are easy targets. An easy target is a people-pleaser with weak boundaries who will not put up much of a defense against the belittling behaviors. People generally do not pick on individuals with strong boundaries who will defend themselves against any bad behavior, because these individuals are too difficult to pick on.

We teach others how to treat us. I realized this the painful way through personal experiences. I realized that the more I tried to be pliant and friendly, the more outrageous my coworkers behaved. But as soon as I started cursing "Don't $* with me today" after each instance, the bad behavior and disrespect suddenly stopped. I was becoming too difficult to pick on, so the mean people started leaving me alone and promptly moved on to others who wouldn't defend themselves.

In school, workplaces and social settings, people test us to see how much we'll take. Life will be made a living hell if people are under the impression that you're a softie, patsy, or pushover. You must show people that you'll defend yourself against their treatment. Once I started nipping it in the bud by giving people a taste of their own medicine, my interpersonal problems evaporated almost overnight.

My approach might be seen as unprofessional, but people don't mess with me anymore. To me, being left alone is the greatest feeling in the world.

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Specializes in Transitional Nursing.

Why you gotta be so ruuuddeee. Don't cha know I"m human tooooo.

Just sing that in your head, and all is well with the world.

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Specializes in CVICU.

I'm a young RN student, but an experience I have had in the hospital environment is when I was doing my ICU clinical. All the nurses/techs were busy, and the phone at the nurse's station rang. I answered it and could not answer the question that dietary had asked. There were three doctors charting at computers, so I put the person on the phone on hold, made eye contact with one of the doctors, and politely asked him what dietary had asked me. He responded by maintaining eye contact with me and asking, "Which nurse has the patient in room 38?", a completely unrelated question. I curtly replied, "I don't know." and went to find someone who would be willing to answer dietary's question.

In this situation, I feel like I used passive-aggressiveness to combat what I perceived as the doctor's rudeness, which was probably rude on my part. A more productive approach would have been to say, "I will find out who the nurse to that room is, but first I need help answering dietary's question." However, I figured if he wasn't going to help me, I wasn't going to help him. Childish? Maybe. But completely disregarding a person's question is incredibly rude.

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Meeting rude with rude might work under certain circumstances, but more often it will backfire. Patients and their families can whip themselves into a self-righteous frenzy about that "rude nurse".

A sanity saving skill is to learn how to be assertive without being aggressive or rude. Parenthood, especially dealing with teenagers gave me the assertiveness skills I needed to survive.

"Excuse me, can you repeat what you just said?" works well with snide remarks.

A long silence in response to a rant. Keep the silence going while looking at the person. They get uncomfortable; might apologize.

"Is this normal behavior for you, I was just curious?"

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Specializes in Med nurse in med-surg., float, HH, and PDN.

I might be plagued by the "I-should-have-saids".......But occasionally I am able to very mildly say something pertinent and pointed that shuts 'them' up effectively. Then I get the internal feeling, "YESSSS!!!"

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I'm a young RN student, but an experience I have had in the hospital environment is when I was doing my ICU clinical. All the nurses/techs were busy, and the phone at the nurse's station rang. I answered it and could not answer the question that dietary had asked. There were three doctors charting at computers, so I put the person on the phone on hold, made eye contact with one of the doctors, and politely asked him what dietary had asked me. He responded by maintaining eye contact with me and asking, "Which nurse has the patient in room 38?", a completely unrelated question. I curtly replied, "I don't know." and went to find someone who would be willing to answer dietary's question.

In this situation, I feel like I used passive-aggressiveness to combat what I perceived as the doctor's rudeness, which was probably rude on my part. A more productive approach would have been to say, "I will find out who the nurse to that room is, but first I need help answering dietary's question." However, I figured if he wasn't going to help me, I wasn't going to help him. Childish? Maybe. But completely disregarding a person's question is incredibly rude.

(It's not a "completely unrelated question." I believe he was telling you, in common hospital "quick-speak," that he didn't know the answer to the question and the RN assigned to the client is who you should ask. At least, that is what I would have concluded from his response, not that he was being rude to me.)

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Specializes in Specializes in L/D, newborn, GYN, LTC, Dialysis.

When is it ok? Never. Don't sink to that level or you are not any better than the rude person you are addressing. Take the high ground and you will feel better at the end of the day. It's their problem, not yours.

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Specializes in CVICU.
(It's not a "completely unrelated question." I believe he was telling you, in common hospital "quick-speak," that he didn't know the answer to the question and the RN assigned to the client is who you should ask. At least, that is what I would have concluded from his response, not that he was being rude to me.)

The question that dietary had asked was "Do y'all have trays yet?", which I now know to mean if dietary had delivered meal trays to the unit, but I didn't understand what she was asking at the time. I asked the physician, "There's someone on the phone asking if we have 'trays', do you know what she could mean?" and he replied "Who is the nurse in room 38?" I should have clarified that in the original post, but as you can see it was a completely unrelated question.

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Personally, being I think being rude back is sinking to their level. The PPs are right--it usually only escalates the situation.

If you really want to terrify a bully/jerk, call them out on their behavior. Stand your ground. Be firm but professional.

Most people act like jerks out of fear or insecurity. Show them that you're not going to get wrapped up in their little personality crisis by keeping your cool, but you're also no pushover.

Calling them out on their behavior is usually enough to get their attention. Think about it--if someone is insecure and acting out, telling them their behavior is wrong is going to cut to the heart of their insecurity. Most people who are being rude are aware that they're behaving in an inappropriate manner and are banking on intimidating people to the point where no one will tell them that their behavior is wrong. This is opportunity knocking at your door.

"Ms. Jones, I don't appreciate you implying that I'm useless and expect that you will treat me professionally from here on. Do you understand?" Tone is everything, of course. YOU are in control. Not the rude person.

Not only are you totally within your rights to defend yourself, but you also make the other person look like the jack*** they are by behaving like an adult, therefore directly juxtaposing their behavior with yours.

Contrary to popular belief nowadays, it is quite possible to take a strong, mature stand against bad behavior without becoming an offender yourself.

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OP, here's a thought--I get that it gives you satisfaction and you feel like respect if you say "do we have problems" or some other phrase in response to other's inappropriate communication. But that escalates things into a situation that you can not resolve. Even if the person you are speaking to says "yes, we do" what then? What is the goal?

What will gain you respect in the workplace is not behaving like the person in question. You can, however, call them on it--"I want to concentrate on what we are here to do." or even "that was an inappropriate comment. Let's move on"

You gain respect on how you choose to practice. Not that you stand up for yourself by escalating situations that you do not have the power to do anything about. That is on the manager/instructor/whomever in charge.

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