What not to say to patients

Nurses Relations

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Specializes in ER.

After my recent (and current) status of being a patient, I've come to realize some things well meaning people say to the suffering. My problem was a serious, but not life threatening accident and surgical repair, but I'll bet this applies to other problems.

1) Do not say "It could have been so much worse!"

Yes, I realize that, duh. All I've done that past 3 months is relive that accident in its gory detail (PTSD anyone?) It's no comfort to me to have you point that out, in fact it feels dismissive of the very real suffering I'm experiencing.

2) Don't start telling me about your terrible sprained ankle if I'm in a full body cast!

I don't want to hear about your bronchitis that won't go away if I'm in the hospital for pneumonia. In my case, I AM interested in people's past experiences with rehabing from serious injuries, those are encouraging and inspiring. But spare me the details of your painful hangnail.

3) Don't discourage me from taking my prescribed pain meds.

Not helpful, don't make me feel guilty, I'm not a drug seeker, ok?

4) Do not tease me about my accident and resulting disability.

I know we have friendly teasing sometimes, but this is off limits.

5) If you offer to help, follow through.

So, you said "If there's anything I can do to help, let me know!" then the first time I ask you ignore my text? That is annoying.

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Specializes in NICU, ICU, PICU, Academia.

Our hospital has outlawed the phrase "Good luck!"

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Your post reminded me of an article I read awhile back, "what not to say to people fighting cancer". Kinda like the comments I heard when I would tell someone a beloved family member was dx'd with brain cancer, and the first thing someone wants to do is tell me all about their aunt/cousin/best friend who died from it. Really?

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Specializes in Hospice.

6. Oops!

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Emergent- what has been the most helpful things? Not to go off on a tangent, but has a nurse or anyone said anything that really got to you in a good way?

Again, best wishes to you with your recovery.

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Specializes in ER.

Helpful things to say?

1) I'm sorry you're going through this.

2) You are very brave.

3) Thank God it wasn't worse.

4) I'm amazed you haven't needed more pain medicine than that!

5) I'll be coming over to help out, what time is good for you?

6) We miss you at work!

7) I've been worrying about you.

8) I'll bet it's been so difficult.

9) You are amazing

10) No, I don't need gas money, don't be silly.

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Emergent, I am so very sorry that you had such a serious injury. From what you have shared it sounds like the physical trauma was terrible, but the psychological trauma was even worse.

I have to like your second point a hundred times. Two years ago I had emergent surgery for a life threatening condition. After surgery the surgeon told me that I was lucky to be alive. It drove me nuts when someone would compare my 34cm abdominal incision, 1 week in the hospital and 12 weeks off work to when they had bunion surgery. I had a hematoma that prevented the incision from closing, so I had to do wet/dry packing twice a day. I wanted to yell at them "Until you've packed stuff into a huge, gaping hole in your own abdomen, don't tell me about your bunion." I had to remind myself that people meant well and that I've probably said stupid stuff in the past to others.

I'd like to add to your list:

Don't get mad at me, because I didn't tell you about my injury/illness until after I was released from the hospital. I know you are really just worried, but this isn't about you. I'm the one who was injured/ill, and I was just thinking about what I needed to do to get better.

Emergent, I hope you are soon feeling great, are back to work, and are doing all the things you enjoy.

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Scene: surgical patient being wheeled into the OR for their procedure; asks a question regarding recovery to the medical student (surgical rotation).

Medical student responds: "We'll discuss that if you get out of surgery." :nailbiting:

Student was foreign and meant to say "when", but that is definitely not something you want to hear right before being put to sleep and operated on!!!

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Specializes in CCU, SICU, CVSICU, Precepting & Teaching.
Helpful things to say?

1) I'm sorry you're going through this.

2) You are very brave.

3) Thank God it wasn't worse.

4) I'm amazed you haven't needed more pain medicine than that!

5) I'll be coming over to help out, what time is good for you?

6) We miss you at work!

7) I've been worrying about you.

8) I'll bet it's been so difficult.

9) You are amazing

10) No, I don't need gas money, don't be silly.

I don't want to rain on your parade or hijack your thread, but not every patient feels the same way about every statement on your list. Especially if the "I'm amazed you haven't needed more pain medicine than that" (or any one of the other comments) isn't completely sincere. It's probably best not to even discuss someone's pain regimen with them unless you're prescribing it or fetching it for them. "One pill or two?" is an appropriate question in the second case.

I've been through cancer (more than once), orthopedic surgery (three of them) and more than one GYN surgery . . . and I would have shuddered to hear someone say "I'm coming over to help out." I didn't WANT anyone around when I was sickest. I get that other people may want that, but be sure of your audience first.

The "you are so brave" comment is often doled out to breast cancer survivors -- with varying levels of sincerity. Honestly, there's nothing brave about getting a double mastectomy when you know your breasts are full of cancer. You just want that cancer GONE. Brave is getting a second knee replacement when you have vivid memories of how painful the first one was and how vulnerable it made you. Brave is donating a kidney or part of your liver or your bone marrow. I know nothing about your situation, OP, and brave might indeed describe it accurately. But at least some of us breast cancer survivors have mixed (or negative) feelings about constantly hearing how brave we are when we know we're really not that brave.

"I'm sorry you're going through this" is always appropriate. So is "we miss you at work," "I'm sorry you weren't feeling well enough to make it to the banquet" or "we missed you at church."

"Thank God it wasn't worse" may offend an atheist, but I'm not going there. It may get a negative response from someone who is taking a moment (or a year) to wallow in self pity. And make sure you're not saying it to the woman who had a double mastectomy and whose surgeon just told her the margins weren't clean and the lymph node wasn't clear. Someone who has just heard they have Stage IV cancer or that the paralysis is likely permanent isn't likely to think it's possible to GET much worse.

"I've been worrying about you" is probably safe -- if you have been. But for pity's sake, don't tell someone all about your amazing new love, your trip to Paris or the fortune you've just inherited and then try to convince them that you've been worrying about them . . . it comes across as insincere.

I just wanted people to come and talk to me as my friend and not as that cancer patient or the amazing woman who used a cane and two walkers to get around her house. I didn't want my relationships with everyone I knew to be about what I couldn't do or wasn't anymore, but about what I could do and still was.

Everyone is different. Emergent, I'm so sorry that you had such a serious injury and such a difficult recovery. I'm glad you took the time to open this discussion.

Another thing probably not to say, as I never seem to learn -- "You have a lovely daughter. Is your wife here, too?"

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When Emergent recommended saying "I'll be coming over to help out, what time is good," I think they meant you should make a specific offer and be willing to follow through if they accept your offer. Don't say "If there's anything I can do to help, just let me know." Only offer help if you mean it, and be specific about what you can do and when.

For example say:

When is your next PT or Dr appointment. I will be happy to drive you that day if you need me.

I grocery shop every Saturday morning. If you will give me your grocery list, I'll shop for you, and will deliver them around noon on Saturday. I can put them away for you if you need that.

Don't worry about trying to find someone to mow your lawn. I'll take care of it while you are recuperating.

It must be really hard to change the sheets after ___. Can I come over on Thursday and do that for you? I'm sure you'll feel much better resting on clean sheets.

The ill/injured friend can always say no that they already have that covered.

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. . . and I would have shuddered to hear someone say "I'm coming over to help out." I didn't WANT anyone around when I was sickest.

I'm the same way. When I am sick, injured or just in a funk, I just want to be left alone for the most part. Anytime a guest is in my home, even if it's a close family member, I feel like I have to be "on" and engage in conversation, provide entertainment, etc. I know my close family doesn't expect this of me, but I still can't help feeling obligated.

I often wish I felt more appreciative of the help from others who have only good intentions, as there are times I know I would benefit from it. Also, it makes family and friends feel good to be able to help out.

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Specializes in ER.

My list of helpful things only referred to things that I found helpful to me, with my injury. I was answering Farawyn's question, not giving blanket advise.

During my recovery I had severe limitations and was unable to physically perform tasks such as changing sheets. I was especially grateful for the relative who came for 2 weeks, even though she talks too much. She DID ask permission before coming. Also, to the many friends who came to my assistance.

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