Black Sheep...time to leave?

[ThePrincessBride]

I know there have been a thousand or more threads on this subject, but hear me out:

I have been working on a neonatal ICU unit for almost two years now. Prior to that, I worked in adult med-surg and still work there casually.

I love working with the babies and their families but socially, I feel like an outcast. Some coworkers refuse to acknowledge my presence and ignore me even when they are assigned to be my patient's secondary nurse (for when I need to use the restroom or go on break). Just today, I was happening to go the cafeteria at the same time as a group of my coworkers. They all waited for everyone else to get their food...except for me. No "see you later" or anything. They just walked away.

They are constantly talking about stuff they do with each other outside of work and to events that I haven't been invited to. When I try to join a conversation, sometimes I am ignored or given a quick response and then they go back to talking among themselves.

There are some coworkers who are wonderful. They are older and more experienced, but they are slowly leaving the unit, leaving me with a clique of younger nurses. I am an island of a person.

Should I start looking elsewhere? I am planning on going back to school next year (FNP or NNP, not sure which yet). The place has good tuition reimbursement (though not astounding or anything).

What is the rational thing for me to do? I have been bottling this in and keeping my nose down and working, but I think it might be time to leave.

[ThePrincessBride, MSN, RN, NP]

I can say categorically if I worked with you , you definitely wouldn't be ignored (by me). I passionately despise bullying and catty behavior like this. Both my children were extremely shy as kids, somewhat like their dad. I'm the opposite so I couldn't really understand it in the true sense of the definition, but I certainly had compassion for their struggles.

Sadly, being extrovert and outgoing is highly valued in America, and the shyer types can - not always - but can get pushed to the back and forgotten/ignored. I know because I had to watch my kids go through ruthless bullying and being ostracized. They both struggled with anxiety and depression because of it. It's been a steep learning curve for me because when I was bullied at school I fought back - my kids just withered. It broke my heart, but even though I was always a compassionate person it has made me even more compassionate for the struggles of introverted people and the dreadful treatment they can receive from people. Not to say extroverts don't get crap too sometimes, but I know first hand just how "easy" a target a quieter person can be, especially those that don't have the confidence to defend themselves.

I am so sorry to hear about your kids.

I was extremely shy as a kid and was afraid to do the simplest of things (like ask a grocery worker where something was). I grew out of it, but am still introverted.

Introverts aren't valued in society as much as the extroverts, it seems. Extroverts are seen as go-getters, the life of the party, etc. I find constant human interaction outside of family, my partner and acquaintances to be draining sometimes. It also doesn't help that I have a speech impediment (had to see a speech therapist at five) and sometimes stutter / stumble upon my words. That is one of the reasons I enjoy the NICU. The babies don't judge and can't talk back to me.

[ThePrincessBride, MSN, RN, NP]

How do they get by with ignoring you when they are your secondary nurse? How do they demonstrate that they are ignoring you in this situation?

Do they refuse to relieve you if you ask them to?

Do they ask someone to relieve them if they need relief? (instead of asking you to relieve them)

If there is a trio (three people being partnered as secondary nurses in case there is an odd number of numbers), I am the one that is left out by some of the cliquey nurses. They will relieve each other, go out on breaks and not even bother to ask if I needed to step off the unit.

One time, a nurse who I work with acknowledged a float nurse as her secondary and ignored me the most of the day, even though we were in a trio together. I ended up having to ask other people to watch my patients...but I don't think that was fair to them.

[OCNRN63, RN]

I have no problem with management, and the assistant manager is very approachable.

I definitely won't be calling them out on their behavior as that will just cause tension. But being left out has made me want to retreat inward and just take care of patients.

I will try to make small talk with the older (and friendlier) nurses. It just sucks because I know some of them are talking about leaving or retiring soon.

Reach out to the ones who you think are planning on staying for a while. Even if you wind up befriending someone who leaves in a year or two, you never know how that may wind up benefiting you down the road. Nursing is a small world.

As far as the other group, perhaps what you need to do is become interested in them. I had a similar situation years ago. I felt frustrated and frequently left out because of a group I worked with who were all "Mommies." I found that things turned around when I started asking questions about their kids.

Sometimes for people to find you interesting you have to take an interest in them.

[OCNRN63, RN]

Introverts aren't valued in society as much as the extroverts, it seems. Extroverts are seen as go-getters, the life of the party, etc. I find constant human interaction outside of family,... to be draining sometimes.

Absolutely true. ^

[NurseCard, ADN]

Hey PrincessBride... I don't have much to add to the conversation, just wanted

to share my experience.

I too have struggled my whole life with being shy and an introvert. I

can remember in high school, sitting at a lunch table with these girls

who were actually very nice, but I did not know them well, and I honestly

had a hard time even raising

my head up from my lunch tray to even LOOK at them, I was so shy. I'm

not even sure why I sat with them, or why they sat with me. I remember

one of the girls was very very nice and bubbly, and I think did try to

engage me often, and I just resisted. But anyway, such is how I

was all throughout middle and high school. It was a struggle.

Nowadays I still very much consider myself an introvert, but I am

not shy. If I have something to say to someone, or if I have

something meaningful to contribute to a conversation, I definitely

don't have a problem doing so. Many people would probably

even consider me outgoing, especially at work.

However, relationships outside of work are an issue for me.

My daughter is a teenager and in marching band.. I have found

band parents, at least in our band, to be rather cliquey. I

feel very left out. It's like this for me in most situations in

which, I have a CHOICE whether or not to interact with

people. It's like this in school groups such as band parents,

sports parents.. scout parents... and then also when I

went to church. I have a really hard time in situations,

in which I'm placed with a lot of people and have a CHOICE

to interact and try to make friends, or to not. I have

a hard time feeling like I fit in. I find it very draining to

be around a lot of people and be expected to socialize.

It makes me sad to know that I really don't have a lot

of friends because of this, but then when I'm put in

situations... it drains my energy and I just want to

run home and sit down and watch a movie!!! :)

The great thing is, MOST of the time I don't worry

about it. I have my husband, my kids, my brother and

his family... thankfully I still have my parents... and that

circle is all I need.

But... that yellow jealous streak STILL crawls up my back

whenever I see Facebook posts from friends, about their

"framilies", all the parties they go to... I get jealous to

see posts from above mentioned Band moms who get

together with each other... it's so bad I don't even hardly

follow anyone on Facebook anymore, just very close

friends and family mostly.

And don't get me started on my sister in law. Everyone.

Loves. Her. They always have. She has a social life that

would make Taylor Swift jealous. Makes me ill. :)

[jennylee321]

1. Don't let the haters stop you!

2. From your old posts I remember that you really wanted NICU so don't let unfriendly coworkers get in your way.

3. I am an extrovert most of the time, I suppose I probably form relationships quicker with other extroverts because they engage in conversations that I start at work. But I would never intentionally leave someone out of a conversation. I can't speak to the details of what is going on with you, but try putting yourself out there more? At least with some of the coworkers you come across who aren't necessarily purposely leaving you out.

4. I hear you on sometimes feeling left out with people who have kids, but I have no intention of having kids so I've figured I better get used to it. I will sometimes try to relate to them with stories of my nieces/nephews or even stories of what I was like as a kid (if I'm desperate). But often I'm just not interested in how little Jimmy is so much better after they took him off the gluten, so I just stay out of the conversation until it changes to something I'm more interested in.

[Tommy5677]

I guess I would want to know how the nurses on the med surg unit treat you. If it's like that wherever you go then it could be you. But, if it isn't I would say that maybe you aren't their only victim You're just the latest. I'd probably leave and go to a different hospital, or though it might not be what you want to do you could bide your time and work in the neonatal step down unit or with the feed 'n grows or something like that.

[ThePrincessBride, MSN, RN, NP]

I guess I would want to know how the nurses on the med surg unit treat you. If it's like that wherever you go then it could be you. But, if it isn't I would say that maybe you aren't their only victim You're just the latest. I'd probably leave and go to a different hospital, or though it might not be what you want to do you could bide your time and work in the neonatal step down unit or with the feed 'n grows or something like that.

They were wonderful. No cliques. Much more diverse. I stayed contingent for that reason.

There is just one NICU at my hospital. No step-down units.

[Workitinurfava, BSN, RN]

I don't know if it is because I am working on my medical degree (I am fortunate enough to work PRN and on the weekend when it is less busy, however it wasn't always this way), but I joke around with staff sometimes and don't concern myself if I am not included in all conversations. I won't force something. As long as you can get along with people to get your job done, that is all that matters. You can't make people include you. This stuff goes on everywhere. Stay cause you like the place or would you rather hate the place and feel wonderful about the staff? Pick and choose your battles. I don't have major issues with staff but I love taking care of my patients. They are why I come back. Validate yourself and keep it moving. Some people like it when you try to constantly win them over. They purposely keep denying you and laughing that you keep trying. Just be pleasant, do your job and go home. Keep in mind that what looks to be a tightly knit group isn't always.

[Accolay]

Nobody puts Buttercup in a corner! Nobody!

Sometimes people are jerks. Just be your cool self and provide excellent patient care. I hate to generalize but in my limited experience, it's always been the cliquey young nurses who are the Heathers who aren't mature enough to know that it takes a village. People like this think that they make themselves invaluable by withholding information or access so you'll have to ask them. They love being the go to guy.

[andiekae2]

There is a lot of good advice resulting from this question. Ultimately, only you can decide what is the best way to handle this situation. I speak with 33 years of nursing and found have myself in this situation and wish I had handled it instead of walking away.

First and foremost, do not give up a position you love, you will regret it.

Second, you'll find this type of behavior everywhere and you have to develop methods to cope. Rise above the behavior and show kindness and positivity that will attract people to you. Be a resource they cannot do without.

Finally, work for your patients and get joy from them. Save social activities for those you don't work with and you will not find yourself consumed by medical talk. Physical activity will also help,

[kaylee.]

Another introvert here who relates to this thead and appreciates reading similar experiences as well as great advice.

Ive always felt well liked by my coworkers, we all relate and joke at work, However i am not a social butterfly.

So a few months ago i overheard one of the rns inviting our CN out for drinks for anothers' bday....i tried to shake it off until the shift ended...when a different nurse text me (she was off that day) saying they were going out and if i wanted to come (only bc i had text her about carpooling to a class).

She was thoughtful to extend the invite at the last sec, but this just made it clear that i was not invited that day or prior. maybe it was an oversight...who knows...

This really hurt my feelings, this sort of thing has happened to me as a shy kid...

but at work my skin has become a little thicker since the event...and now i can see the clique behavior for what it is...