Who is/did go to Nursing School for freedom from a spouse? - page 3

Are any of you that have done that going to follow through? My husband is very controlling. I never really noticed it until being in school. I had some indication that he was somewhat prior to... Read More

  1. by   traumaRUs
    I too am a survivor of my parents "staying together for the kids." They were married for 26 years. My sister and I grew up getting hit, yelled at and basically belittled for the entire time we lived at home. My parents yelled (and I mean yelled) horrible things at each other. To this day (I'm almost 47) I can't stand to have anyone close to me yell at me. I just close down. I do fine at work because there is no emotional bond there - I work in the ER. My sister and I have totally agreed that to stay in a marriage "for the children" is far worse than being raised by a happy single mom. Please, if you think it will help at all - go for counseling. Otherwise, he needs to hit the road and keep going. I know this has gotta be a hard decision - please know all your cyber friends are here for you.
  2. by   GrnHonu99
    Quote from Marie_LPN
    I'm going to say this, what i've learned in my life about marriage involving children.

    My parents got married because my mother was pregnant. They stayed married because of me for 8 years. I cannot recall any kisses, smiles, etc that happened between them. I saw the difference in my parents and the other kids'.

    They said they stayed together for me. They were fooling themselves.

    Whatever reason you may or may not stay with him, kids want happy parents, kids are not idiots, they know when something's not right.

    amen, i couldnt have said it better....its amazing when we all get to talking about how many of us have been in similar situations...Grinnurse you say you and your children are happier when he is gone...i felt the same way growing up when my dad would leave on business trips...the moment my sister and i would hear the garage door go up though wed dash upstairs and the whole time he was home wed basically live upstairs...it was a miserable existance and to this day i look back and am soo proud of my mom for getting the courage to get out there on her own....just make sure to let your kids know that this situation tha tyou are in is not the norm..it took me awhile to figure that out...
    Last edit by GrnHonu99 on May 3, '05
  3. by   SmilingBluEyes
    Quote from traumaRUs
    I too am a survivor of my parents "staying together for the kids." They were married for 26 years. My sister and I grew up getting hit, yelled at and basically belittled for the entire time we lived at home. My parents yelled (and I mean yelled) horrible things at each other. To this day (I'm almost 47) I can't stand to have anyone close to me yell at me. I just close down. I do fine at work because there is no emotional bond there - I work in the ER. My sister and I have totally agreed that to stay in a marriage "for the children" is far worse than being raised by a happy single mom. Please, if you think it will help at all - go for counseling. Otherwise, he needs to hit the road and keep going. I know this has gotta be a hard decision - please know all your cyber friends are here for you.
    your sister and I must be the same person, cause you just wrote an accurate account of MY childhood here. OMG can I relate. My parents married due to being pg w/me, and to this day, I know my mom resents the way my birth changed her life. The abuse they heaped on me was unbearable and unforgiveable. Yea staying married "for the kids" was a real raw deal for me. I never talk to them anymore. They are still married and mom is still miserable. But at least she can't blame ME for her misery.

    Get out while you can. You sound to me like you have had all you can take, OP. GOOD LUCK and I truly wish you the best.
  4. by   RoxanRN
    Quote from grinnurse
    Thank goodness he left at noon and probably won't be back in until Sunday. I always tense up when I know he's headed home. My son is too young to understand anuthing right b/c he is only 3 but I have an 11 year old daughter that sees and knows whats going on. His coping mechanism is usually displacement and it usually on her and me depending on what/who he's mad at. I want to talk to my daughter about the possibility of what could happen. But don't know if it would be better to wait until I make a decision.
    Before you talk to him, make sure you have a plan and that someone else (read: 'trusted friend' who won't rat you out) knows what/when you are doing. Take advantage of the time he is gone. Go see an attorney to find out your rights and find out about the resources available to you (shelters, etc). You probably ought to wait to talk to him until you have your plan set (my opinion).

    Keep ahold of your determination and resolve. You can do anything you set your mind to!!
    Roxan
  5. by   land64shark
    grinnurse,

    Holy Cow, this is spooky! You are so ME it's scary. Right down to the 15 years of marriage and brand new pick up truck. I most definately am plotting my exit. I'm only still doing my pre-req's though. Graduation is a long way off.

    I could only wish my husband were a trucker though. My problem is that he works at HOME and NEVER leaves the house! I'm a SAHM so I never get a break from him! I always feel like he's watching me and disapproving of how I'm spending my time. (Why aren't I doing the laundry, cleaning the bathroom, etc.) I live for his few business trips a year.

    I have 3 girls ages 7, 10 and 14. I'm still in the marriage "for the kids". I'm coming to terms with this is not what they really need. Hell, last month my 7 year old told me we need to "break up" after he yelled his head off at me because the dog got out of the yard (while he was out in the yard with it). My problem is that I can't come to terms with the financial chaos it will mean to us. We have a nice house with a nice yard with a screened in pool and hot tub, etc. The kids like to look through the home magazines thinking that we may buy an even bigger and better house (because my husband and I have talked about it a number of times over the years). Divorce would be financially devestating. Our standard of living would most certainly drop in a big way. I'm not sure how I would handle the guilt of that.

    You have to understand where my kids are coming from. Here's what's on my mind. They are all in fulltime gifted school. The demographics of the families of kids in these fulltime gifted programs are very wealthy. When my youngest was in kindergarten last year, she was in a regular general education kindergarten class. We were probably in the top 10-20% of her class financially. Now this year in first grade in fulltime gifted, we are probably in the bottom 10-20% of the class financially, IN THE VERY SAME SCHOOL! All of my kid's friends are very wealthy with huge beautiful homes. Maybe I'm making way too much out of this, but I don't want my kids (particularly my 14 yr old) to feel like we're poor. I can deal with it, I'm not sure how the kids would.

    And we would be "poor" for awhile. My house is paid for and we have no debt (except for that damned truck :angryfire ), but we have no liquid assets, no cash. We have enough to pay our monthly expenses and live comfortably (eat out when we want, buy stuff that we want, go places we want, etc) but there's not much left at the end of the month. I don't have any idea how we can "afford a divorce".

    Did I mention that my husband is drunk at LEAST 4 nights a week?

    I had tried to talk to him last week about our situation and that I wasn't happy (quite frankly neither is he). He told me flat out that if we were to divorce, he would move back to Canada. HUH??? What about the kids? He swore he would do it. He would just leave them! I'm still stunned by that because I thought he was rather fond of them. Anyway, it's as though our conversation never took place. Typical, denial. Same as when he gets drunk and has a huge blow up in front of the kids and screams horrible things at me. The next day, it just never happened. Never an apology. If I brought it up, he'd get angry that I was starting something with him and rehashing. You know, my fault.

    Sorry to rant on about me. Yes, there are others plotting our independence.
  6. by   RoxanRN
    Quote from land64shark
    You have to understand where my kids are coming from. Here's what's on my mind. They are all in fulltime gifted school. The demographics of the families of kids in these fulltime gifted programs are very wealthy. When my youngest was in kindergarten last year, she was in a regular general education kindergarten class. We were probably in the top 10-20% of her class financially. Now this year in first grade in fulltime gifted, we are probably in the bottom 10-20% of the class financially, IN THE VERY SAME SCHOOL! All of my kid's friends are very wealthy with huge beautiful homes. Maybe I'm making way too much out of this, but I don't want my kids (particularly my 14 yr old) to feel like we're poor. I can deal with it, I'm not sure how the kids would.
    Is this a school for which you have to pay tuition? If so, are scholarships available? I understand you want your kids to have the best, but (and I'm going to be blunt) is it worth it to stay in an abusive relationship just so you/they don't feel 'poor?'

    And we would be "poor" for awhile. My house is paid for and we have no debt (except for that damned truck :angryfire ), but we have no liquid assets, no cash. We have enough to pay our monthly expenses and live comfortably (eat out when we want, buy stuff that we want, go places we want, etc) but there's not much left at the end of the month. I don't have any idea how we can "afford a divorce".
    If you have the available money to do these extra things, is it possible to 'squirrel away' money for your exit?

    I had tried to talk to him last week about our situation and that I wasn't happy (quite frankly neither is he). He told me flat out that if we were to divorce, he would move back to Canada. HUH??? What about the kids? He swore he would do it. He would just leave them! I'm still stunned by that because I thought he was rather fond of them.
    Let him!! He's not very fond of his kids if he's continueing to treat the family this way.
    Anyway, it's as though our conversation never took place. Typical, denial. Same as when he gets drunk and has a huge blow up in front of the kids and screams horrible things at me. The next day, it just never happened. Never an apology. If I brought it up, he'd get angry that I was starting something with him and rehashing. You know, my fault.
    It is only with your permission that he makes you feel like it's all your fault. He has no more control over your feelings then you have over his.

    I'm sorry if I've offended anyone. My only wish is to help where I can.

    Good luck!
  7. by   Ruby Vee
    my emotionally, verbally and physically abusive, controlling ex-husband "let" me go to school because he figured i wouldn't leave him while financially dependent on him. boy, did he call that one wrong! i left him in the middle of the road in the middle of nowhere with nothing but the clothes i was wearing and one of my two golden retrievers after he tried to strangle me. it was the low point of my life! at that time, i had no friends (he chased them all away) and was 2000 miles away from my family.

    [color=#4b0082]financially, it was tough. i got school loans, lived in a tiny, falling-apart rental in the worst part of town (because they let me keep my dogs) and got furniture, dishes, etc. from st. vincent de paul. it took me six months before i allowed myself to recognize how afraid i had been in my own home! (i remember hanging out at a gas station/convenience store outside of an air base at 3am because i was too afraid to go home! i stayed there until 6:30 when he left for work!)
    [color=#4b0082]
    [color=#4b0082]that was 20 years ago, and i'm married to a wonderful man now. leaving my abusive ex was the hardest thing i ever did, but it was also the smartest. i could be dead now instead of happy with my current home and family! i went through two awful years where i ate macaroni and cheese, rice and beans and rode a bicycle everywhere because i couldn't afford a car . . . but it was all worth it. to those of you who are hanging on to an abusive marriage because of the financial perks -- it ain't worth it! your kids may have nicer clothes and more toys, but the lessons they're learning about life and relationships and the values they're developing may not be the ones you'd choose to teach them.
    [color=#4b0082]
    [color=#4b0082]ruby
  8. by   babynursewannab
    Go to the "success stories" thread and read my post: "My most amazing story" it might be a little motivating for you.

    I am sorry you're going through this. I wouldn't wish it on anyone after going through it myself.

    You seem to have a great attitude, though!

    -Alyssa, RN
  9. by   alexillytom
    First, let me say that I'm extremely sorry that you are going through this. I must also agree with the sentiment that staying in the marriage "for the kids" is detrimental to your children's emotional health.

    I am the product of such an arrangement. I am 36 and happily married with 3 kids of my own. My husband is wonderful, he cleans, does laundry, does the yardwork, and looks after the kids while I'm at school. He has been the major provider in our family and is doing everything in his power to make sure I don't have to work a full-time job while I am attending nursing school.

    Unfortunately, my sisters have gone the other route. They have all attached themselves to extremely controlling men. Two of my sisters' mates have even exhibited violent behavior while my third sister has a husband who controls her through biblical scriptures. It's sad to see. None of them have been able to break the cycle that abuse seems to have on a family. My parents had an extremely violent marriage. My father was also an OTR truck driver. When he was home we never knew if we would wake up to the sounds of screaming, punching, or police sirens. When he was gone, we had to deal with the fallout of my parents' latest altercation. Believe me, this scenario was commonplace in our home. Consequently, my siblings have had problems with chemical dependencies, emotional abuse to their children, promiscuity, and financial instability.

    I on the other hand, had extremely low self esteem, I didn't care about my personal hygiene, and for a very short while, started drinking and smoking weed. Fortunately, I was introduced to the world of therapy in high school. My school started a counseling program for children at risk. The parents had to give permission but I forged my father's signature. I knew something was wrong with me. I was on medication because of my nervous condition. I was always very bright in school but I was barely passing some classes and failing others, even gym. Anyway, before my forgery was caught, my school therapist really helped me realize how unnatural my situation was. As I became older, and exposed to other people, I began to see how my life could have been if my parents hadn't stayed together for me, and I wanted that other life.

    I became a woman totally unlike my mother, and dated/married a man very different from my father. I proceeded to have children and parent my kids in a directly opposite manner than my parents did. They are able to talk to us, show us affection, and disagree when they feel we are wrong, without fear of a personal attack.

    Because of my parents' marriage, and the subsequent handling of their divorce, I am unable to have a close relationship with either of them. As a child, you want to believe your parents have your best interest at heart. It becomes sad when you realize that was not the case. It is very sad to have a mother that you can't have a five minute conversation with and a father who never "got" his role as a husband and father.

    It is imperative that kids feel safe and secure. If they aren't feeling that way with the two of you being together, please explore other options.
  10. by   land64shark
    Quote from RoxanRN2003
    Is this a school for which you have to pay tuition? If so, are scholarships available? I understand you want your kids to have the best, but (and I'm going to be blunt) is it worth it to stay in an abusive relationship just so you/they don't feel 'poor?'

    If you have the available money to do these extra things, is it possible to 'squirrel away' money for your exit?

    Let him!! He's not very fond of his kids if he's continueing to treat the family this way.
    It is only with your permission that he makes you feel like it's all your fault. He has no more control over your feelings then you have over his.

    I'm sorry if I've offended anyone. My only wish is to help where I can.
    Good luck!
    RoxanRN2003,

    Don't worry about offending anyone. If I hear something enough times, maybe I'll accept it.

    Re: schools. Actually, they are part of the public school system and free.

    I can squirrel away some money, but probably not much more than a few hundred dollars. One point in my favor is that I've got excellent credit and several credit cards that belong solely to me with high credit limits and no balances. My mom would also be able to LEND me any amount of money I might need, is local and can help with the kids.

    As for him moving to Canada, there are reciprocal child support laws between Canada and my state so he wouldn't be hiding from his obligations in that way. (Alimony may be a different story.) I just can't imagine what the kids would think about it all.

    I'm getting closer to making the break. Like I said, I already tried telling him once I wanted out. It took alot to work up the courage to do that and then it got me nowhere. Ugh! Now I have to work up to it again. But his emotional blackmail isn't going to work. He said it's up to me, so it would be my fault if he moves out of the kids lives.Yeah, right! Nope, that's not gonna work here. Frankly, it might work out great for me if he does move and I get sole custody.

    I just took my A&P 1 and psyche finals (I should have A's in both) and have almost 2 weeks before the summer session starts. I'm taking this time to fix up the house since it's going to have to be sold. It needs all new blinds, paint, and the kitchen is half wallpapered and has a naked floor awaiting tile. This stuff (and more) would never get done if I filed first.

    I'm getting there. The day is getting closer and closer. I think summer while the kids are out of school would be best for them. Heck, they're out of school in less than 2 weeks.

    I need all the encouragement I can get. Thanks guys.
  11. by   traumaRUs
    Manna - there seems to be a common thread among all the posters - you and the children have to be safe. Its got to be your choice. We are all here for you. Please take care of yourself.
  12. by   GrnHonu99
    Quote from land64shark
    RoxanRN2003,

    Don't worry about offending anyone. If I hear something enough times, maybe I'll accept it.

    Re: schools. Actually, they are part of the public school system and free.

    I can squirrel away some money, but probably not much more than a few hundred dollars. One point in my favor is that I've got excellent credit and several credit cards that belong solely to me with high credit limits and no balances. My mom would also be able to LEND me any amount of money I might need, is local and can help with the kids.

    As for him moving to Canada, there are reciprocal child support laws between Canada and my state so he wouldn't be hiding from his obligations in that way. (Alimony may be a different story.) I just can't imagine what the kids would think about it all.

    I'm getting closer to making the break. Like I said, I already tried telling him once I wanted out. It took alot to work up the courage to do that and then it got me nowhere. Ugh! Now I have to work up to it again. But his emotional blackmail isn't going to work. He said it's up to me, so it would be my fault if he moves out of the kids lives.Yeah, right! Nope, that's not gonna work here. Frankly, it might work out great for me if he does move and I get sole custody.

    I just took my A&P 1 and psyche finals (I should have A's in both) and have almost 2 weeks before the summer session starts. I'm taking this time to fix up the house since it's going to have to be sold. It needs all new blinds, paint, and the kitchen is half wallpapered and has a naked floor awaiting tile. This stuff (and more) would never get done if I filed first.

    I'm getting there. The day is getting closer and closer. I think summer while the kids are out of school would be best for them. Heck, they're out of school in less than 2 weeks.

    I need all the encouragement I can get. Thanks guys.
    wow it is erie to find others like myself, I grew up in a suburb of Cincinnati that is usually considered upper middle class....in school my sister and I lived in a nice house, had everything we needed...etc...my mom was in the same awful situation with my dad, he was drunk every night of the week, verbally abusive, didnt let her have any independence....it was awful but she was concerned about finances if she left...she thought it would hurt us bc all of our friends had so much and if she left we would by no means be rich...but let me say this...you may be suprised that your children would rather be away from him and less finanically stable than with him and afraid all the time...

    being the product of my parents abusive marriage i can honestly say the longer my mom stayed the worse it got, by the end my mom had to call the cops bc my dads violence against us was escalating...it was the final straw, she took my sister and i (12 and16) and moved us to a condo...it was hard at first but we made it and it was such a relief...you could see an instant change in mysister and i...once you are gone and out of the situation you will actually begin to realize the horror of the situation...to this day i dont speak to my father...he has so many of his own issues to work out that he makes it impossible to have a relationship with him....it has taken me years and years to overcome somethings hes said to me and everyday is a battle in my relationship (im 25 now and in a wonderful relationship) not to let my past haunt me...im extremely lucky that ive chosen a man unlike my father in every way...

    i guess what im saying is i've been where your kids are now....staying, even if it means more money isnt worth it in the long run...the emotional and physical damage your husband is inflicting upon you and your children is worth no amount of money....once we moved into our condo it was like a whole new family, we could actually breathe (and im sure you know what i mean by that) we could be a normal family and for those few years before i left for college were the best i could have asked for! Turns out none of my friends cared that we no longer lived in a big beautiful home or didnt drive the nice cars...good luck...i hope everything turns out all right for you!
  13. by   tntrn
    Wow! I am (almost) unable to type after reading all the posts. Nearly 30 years ago, I was in a young marriage to an man, who became abusive soon after we married. Three years after we married our daughter was born. Now, mind you, 30 years ago, spousal abuse wasn't a thing that anybody ever heard much about. If you called the police, they just wrote it down as a spat. No support groups, nobody to talk to, no way out. "Till death do you part" sounds good except sometimes it takes on a very dark reality. A couple of years after the baby was born, I started nursing school. The abuse continued, but not as often. I don't know exactly why it seemed to wane while I was in school. I got pregnant again about 3 months before graduation, and about that time realized all of a sudden, I was going to have the possibility of supporting myself and my kids "if it came to that."

    About then also, he began accusing me of going to school just so I could leave him. I guess when he started that, I started to think about it and shizam! he was right! That changed my whole mind set.

    We did the counseling thing. He always approached it as to how much I was doing wrong or not doing at all...He was never part of the problem. I was 1500 miles from home and thought I was hiding how unhappy I was from my family.

    After graduation I started working, the next baby was born and the abuse continued. Finally when the baby was 13 months old, he decided to leave (thinking I'd find out how much I really wanted and needed him :chuckle ) and life as I now know it began.

    I had my nursing job (have never considered myself to be a career woman) to pay the bills. I met wonderful, supportive people there and had a terrific support system in my church. I raised those kids for 8 years by myself, no financial help from anybody. We had NO money left at the end of the month, but we had ourselves, happy to be together and safe.

    I met a wonderful man about that time, and I'm happy to say we'll celebrate our 20th anniversary this summer. He's not threatened by strong women; and if I wanted to be the main breadwinner, he'd be more than happy to be the house-husband, and he would be great at it. As it is, he is able to make way more than I ever could as a nurse, so I am blessed to work per diem, and keep things running at home.

    The posts from those of you who lived with parents who were destined for divorce have lifted my spirits. Not because you were subjected to such things, but because I have often wondered if I did the right thing by separating from their father. He wasn't a good father and still isn't. My daughter, 33 in two weeks, seems him only occasionally and only now after many years of not hearing from him at all. My son, now 28, never sees him, refuses to see him, and when he was 18, legally changed his last name to that of his stepfather. Both our (meaning current husband and me) kids are well-adjusted, happy young adults. Both have indicated to me and others they were glad to see him walk out the door, although my son was too little to know it at the time. His later experiences with him helped him form that opinion.

    My husband has told many people that I bent over backwards to not badmouth the ex. I wanted the children to form their own opinions, based on their own experiences and observations. I believe they have done that.

    In closing, I would urge the OP and others in this situation to get some counseling, JUST FOR YOU. If the spouse won't go with you, GO ANYWAY! And any counselor worth anything would have separate counseling sessions with each of you anyway. Good luck! You can choose to be a victim forever or you can choose to be a survivor! Be a survivor!

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