Who is/did go to Nursing School for freedom from a spouse?

[grinnurse]

Are any of you that have done that going to follow through?

My husband is very controlling. I never really noticed it until being in school. I had some indication that he was somewhat prior to school that way but didn't realize how much until now. We have been together 15 years and have 2 children together so I have to consider them into my decision. I have worked the whole time we have been together except for the past 2 years while attending NS. That along with the time that he told me I would never complete NS has been my driving force to be successful. He makes the money so he thinks he has the power over me. I have to give an explanation for any money that I spend. I don't go out shopping everyday #1 b/c I don't have the time and #2 I tend to spend money that I could spend on me on my children. I have an alotted 40$/week and that covers gas and any misc. groceries that I need to purchase while he's gone. BTW he's an OTR truck driver so he is gone more than he is home which at times has left me broke several times when I have needed to take the kids to the doctor or buy OTC meds for them and when you figure in the price of gas these days it leaves me 20$.

The closer I get to graduation the more and more I am thinking about divorcing him. The only thing stopping me is my kids. We don't really have any kind of relationship.....we don't talk, we don't do anything together and I am actually to the point where I hate his guts. He is telling me all the time that I have to watch what I spend but yet he just went out and bought him a $27,000. dollar gas guzzler truck. BTW I would not have known about it until he drove up in the driveway had it not been for an email. He also tells me that I don't tell him things about what I am doing yet I do.........he makes me feel like I am loosing my mind and I start to doubt myself. He has never supported anything that I have done.

I am so upset that I have been crying for the past week and have been unable to contrate on studying for my finals which is next Monday. I want to talk to him but I am so hurt that I know I would be bumbling idiot in trying to get my point across.

Any advice on how to get my point across of how he has hurt me over the past two years? I feel like we are more of burden to him than anything else. Should I tell him that in a couple of months I won't need his money. I know that would be hateful but I am to that point where I just want to get back at him.

Thanks for letting me vent my frustrations and any advice whatsoever would be highly appreciated! Do you think he is feeling threatened because he will no longer have the power over me that he has had the past two years?

[grinnurse, RN]

Thanks so much for the comments that everyone has posted and Dave thanks for your last post, it got me laughing and believe me I needed that today. I guess everything is just coming to a head. I am writing all the things down that are times when I felt he has intentionally hurt me to discuss with him.

Thank goodness he left at noon and probably won't be back in until Sunday. I always tense up when I know he's headed home. My son is too young to understand anuthing right b/c he is only 3 but I have an 11 year old daughter that sees and knows whats going on. His coping mechanism is usually displacement and it usually on her and me depending on what/who he's mad at. I want to talk to my daughter about the possibility of what could happen. But don't know if it would be better to wait until I make a decision.

I definately know that nursing school has made me more independant. My theme song thru nursing school has been by Destiny's Child--Independant Woman and continues to be. A lot of things have changed me in the past 10 years. Within the span of 10 years I have lost my father, then my sister who was only 33 to ca and then in 2000 I lost my brother to a heart attack who was 42 so those deaths have really impacted me. I like the other said think that we have outgrown each other. I just want him to know that those days of him controlling me are over!! I never thought that I would be in this situation. Of course he blames all the problems of our marriage on me. In the entire 15 years of us being together he has never once apologized for anythin he has said or done and I like a DA have taken all the blame and apologized to try to maintain peace in the house for the kids. The kids and I are much happier when he is not home and it is definately obvious with my daughter b/c she will either go to my mom's house or stays in her room when he's home. I am thinking that it might not be that much of a change in how often the kids see him b/c of his job and him being gone so much anyway. I am not saying it wouldn't be a hard adjustment at first.

I think it is time for me to do something selfish for myself and if doesn't like it OH WELL.

Again, thanks for all the support. I knew there would be others that have been where I am. Thanks for all the hugs b/c it really does help.

[NurseyBaby'05, BSN, RN]

I think it is time for me to do something selfish for myself and if doesn't like it OH WELL.

I wouldn't say being respected and free of abuse would be selfish. You will be teaching your children a very important lesson. They will know it's okay to leave a bad situation and know that it's not okay to abuse and control. Please be careful though. I'm sure you heard in school that one of the most dangerous times for an abused family is when the target of the abuse tries to leave. Plan carefully. :icon_hug: :icon_hug: :icon_hug:

P.S. Congratulations on graduation!!:balloons: :Melody:

[traumaRUs, MSN, APRN]

I too am a survivor of my parents "staying together for the kids." They were married for 26 years. My sister and I grew up getting hit, yelled at and basically belittled for the entire time we lived at home. My parents yelled (and I mean yelled) horrible things at each other. To this day (I'm almost 47) I can't stand to have anyone close to me yell at me. I just close down. I do fine at work because there is no emotional bond there - I work in the ER. My sister and I have totally agreed that to stay in a marriage "for the children" is far worse than being raised by a happy single mom. Please, if you think it will help at all - go for counseling. Otherwise, he needs to hit the road and keep going. I know this has gotta be a hard decision - please know all your cyber friends are here for you.

[GrnHonu99, RN]

I'm going to say this, what i've learned in my life about marriage involving children.

My parents got married because my mother was pregnant. They stayed married because of me for 8 years. I cannot recall any kisses, smiles, etc that happened between them. I saw the difference in my parents and the other kids'.

They said they stayed together for me. They were fooling themselves.

Whatever reason you may or may not stay with him, kids want happy parents, kids are not idiots, they know when something's not right.

amen, i couldnt have said it better....its amazing when we all get to talking about how many of us have been in similar situations...Grinnurse you say you and your children are happier when he is gone...i felt the same way growing up when my dad would leave on business trips...the moment my sister and i would hear the garage door go up though wed dash upstairs and the whole time he was home wed basically live upstairs...it was a miserable existance and to this day i look back and am soo proud of my mom for getting the courage to get out there on her own....just make sure to let your kids know that this situation tha tyou are in is not the norm..it took me awhile to figure that out...

[SmilingBluEyes]

I too am a survivor of my parents "staying together for the kids." They were married for 26 years. My sister and I grew up getting hit, yelled at and basically belittled for the entire time we lived at home. My parents yelled (and I mean yelled) horrible things at each other. To this day (I'm almost 47) I can't stand to have anyone close to me yell at me. I just close down. I do fine at work because there is no emotional bond there - I work in the ER. My sister and I have totally agreed that to stay in a marriage "for the children" is far worse than being raised by a happy single mom. Please, if you think it will help at all - go for counseling. Otherwise, he needs to hit the road and keep going. I know this has gotta be a hard decision - please know all your cyber friends are here for you.

your sister and I must be the same person, cause you just wrote an accurate account of MY childhood here. OMG can I relate. My parents married due to being pg w/me, and to this day, I know my mom resents the way my birth changed her life. The abuse they heaped on me was unbearable and unforgiveable. Yea staying married "for the kids" was a real raw deal for me. I never talk to them anymore. They are still married and mom is still miserable. But at least she can't blame ME for her misery.

Get out while you can. You sound to me like you have had all you can take, OP. GOOD LUCK and I truly wish you the best.

[RoxanRN]

Thank goodness he left at noon and probably won't be back in until Sunday. I always tense up when I know he's headed home. My son is too young to understand anuthing right b/c he is only 3 but I have an 11 year old daughter that sees and knows whats going on. His coping mechanism is usually displacement and it usually on her and me depending on what/who he's mad at. I want to talk to my daughter about the possibility of what could happen. But don't know if it would be better to wait until I make a decision.

Before you talk to him, make sure you have a plan and that someone else (read: 'trusted friend' who won't rat you out) knows what/when you are doing. Take advantage of the time he is gone. Go see an attorney to find out your rights and find out about the resources available to you (shelters, etc). You probably ought to wait to talk to him until you have your plan set (my opinion).

Keep ahold of your determination and resolve. You can do anything you set your mind to!!

Roxan

[land64shark]

grinnurse,

Holy Cow, this is spooky! You are so ME it's scary. Right down to the 15 years of marriage and brand new pick up truck. I most definately am plotting my exit. I'm only still doing my pre-req's though. Graduation is a long way off.

I could only wish my husband were a trucker though. My problem is that he works at HOME and NEVER leaves the house! I'm a SAHM so I never get a break from him! I always feel like he's watching me and disapproving of how I'm spending my time. (Why aren't I doing the laundry, cleaning the bathroom, etc.) I live for his few business trips a year.

I have 3 girls ages 7, 10 and 14. I'm still in the marriage "for the kids". I'm coming to terms with this is not what they really need. Hell, last month my 7 year old told me we need to "break up" after he yelled his head off at me because the dog got out of the yard (while he was out in the yard with it). My problem is that I can't come to terms with the financial chaos it will mean to us. We have a nice house with a nice yard with a screened in pool and hot tub, etc. The kids like to look through the home magazines thinking that we may buy an even bigger and better house (because my husband and I have talked about it a number of times over the years). Divorce would be financially devestating. Our standard of living would most certainly drop in a big way. I'm not sure how I would handle the guilt of that.

You have to understand where my kids are coming from. Here's what's on my mind. They are all in fulltime gifted school. The demographics of the families of kids in these fulltime gifted programs are very wealthy. When my youngest was in kindergarten last year, she was in a regular general education kindergarten class. We were probably in the top 10-20% of her class financially. Now this year in first grade in fulltime gifted, we are probably in the bottom 10-20% of the class financially, IN THE VERY SAME SCHOOL! All of my kid's friends are very wealthy with huge beautiful homes. Maybe I'm making way too much out of this, but I don't want my kids (particularly my 14 yr old) to feel like we're poor. I can deal with it, I'm not sure how the kids would.

And we would be "poor" for awhile. My house is paid for and we have no debt (except for that damned truck :angryfire ), but we have no liquid assets, no cash. We have enough to pay our monthly expenses and live comfortably (eat out when we want, buy stuff that we want, go places we want, etc) but there's not much left at the end of the month. I don't have any idea how we can "afford a divorce".

Did I mention that my husband is drunk at LEAST 4 nights a week?

I had tried to talk to him last week about our situation and that I wasn't happy (quite frankly neither is he). He told me flat out that if we were to divorce, he would move back to Canada. HUH??? What about the kids? He swore he would do it. He would just leave them! I'm still stunned by that because I thought he was rather fond of them. Anyway, it's as though our conversation never took place. Typical, denial. Same as when he gets drunk and has a huge blow up in front of the kids and screams horrible things at me. The next day, it just never happened. Never an apology. If I brought it up, he'd get angry that I was starting something with him and rehashing. You know, my fault.

Sorry to rant on about me. Yes, there are others plotting our independence.

[RoxanRN]

You have to understand where my kids are coming from. Here's what's on my mind. They are all in fulltime gifted school. The demographics of the families of kids in these fulltime gifted programs are very wealthy. When my youngest was in kindergarten last year, she was in a regular general education kindergarten class. We were probably in the top 10-20% of her class financially. Now this year in first grade in fulltime gifted, we are probably in the bottom 10-20% of the class financially, IN THE VERY SAME SCHOOL! All of my kid's friends are very wealthy with huge beautiful homes. Maybe I'm making way too much out of this, but I don't want my kids (particularly my 14 yr old) to feel like we're poor. I can deal with it, I'm not sure how the kids would.

Is this a school for which you have to pay tuition? If so, are scholarships available? I understand you want your kids to have the best, but (and I'm going to be blunt) is it worth it to stay in an abusive relationship just so you/they don't feel 'poor?'

And we would be "poor" for awhile. My house is paid for and we have no debt (except for that damned truck :angryfire ), but we have no liquid assets, no cash. We have enough to pay our monthly expenses and live comfortably (eat out when we want, buy stuff that we want, go places we want, etc) but there's not much left at the end of the month. I don't have any idea how we can "afford a divorce".

If you have the available money to do these extra things, is it possible to 'squirrel away' money for your exit?

I had tried to talk to him last week about our situation and that I wasn't happy (quite frankly neither is he). He told me flat out that if we were to divorce, he would move back to Canada. HUH??? What about the kids? He swore he would do it. He would just leave them! I'm still stunned by that because I thought he was rather fond of them.

Let him!! He's not very fond of his kids if he's continueing to treat the family this way.

Anyway, it's as though our conversation never took place. Typical, denial. Same as when he gets drunk and has a huge blow up in front of the kids and screams horrible things at me. The next day, it just never happened. Never an apology. If I brought it up, he'd get angry that I was starting something with him and rehashing. You know, my fault.

It is only with your permission that he makes you feel like it's all your fault. He has no more control over your feelings then you have over his.

I'm sorry if I've offended anyone. My only wish is to help where I can.

Good luck!

[Ruby Vee, BSN]

my emotionally, verbally and physically abusive, controlling ex-husband "let" me go to school because he figured i wouldn't leave him while financially dependent on him. boy, did he call that one wrong! i left him in the middle of the road in the middle of nowhere with nothing but the clothes i was wearing and one of my two golden retrievers after he tried to strangle me. it was the low point of my life! at that time, i had no friends (he chased them all away) and was 2000 miles away from my family.

[color=#4b0082]financially, it was tough. i got school loans, lived in a tiny, falling-apart rental in the worst part of town (because they let me keep my dogs) and got furniture, dishes, etc. from st. vincent de paul. it took me six months before i allowed myself to recognize how afraid i had been in my own home! (i remember hanging out at a gas station/convenience store outside of an air base at 3am because i was too afraid to go home! i stayed there until 6:30 when he left for work!)

[color=#4b0082]

[color=#4b0082]that was 20 years ago, and i'm married to a wonderful man now. leaving my abusive ex was the hardest thing i ever did, but it was also the smartest. i could be dead now instead of happy with my current home and family! i went through two awful years where i ate macaroni and cheese, rice and beans and rode a bicycle everywhere because i couldn't afford a car . . . but it was all worth it. to those of you who are hanging on to an abusive marriage because of the financial perks -- it ain't worth it! your kids may have nicer clothes and more toys, but the lessons they're learning about life and relationships and the values they're developing may not be the ones you'd choose to teach them.

[color=#4b0082]

[color=#4b0082]ruby

[babynursewannab]

Go to the "success stories" thread and read my post: "My most amazing story" it might be a little motivating for you.

I am sorry you're going through this. I wouldn't wish it on anyone after going through it myself.

You seem to have a great attitude, though!

-Alyssa, RN

[alexillytom]

First, let me say that I'm extremely sorry that you are going through this. I must also agree with the sentiment that staying in the marriage "for the kids" is detrimental to your children's emotional health.

I am the product of such an arrangement. I am 36 and happily married with 3 kids of my own. My husband is wonderful, he cleans, does laundry, does the yardwork, and looks after the kids while I'm at school. He has been the major provider in our family and is doing everything in his power to make sure I don't have to work a full-time job while I am attending nursing school.

Unfortunately, my sisters have gone the other route. They have all attached themselves to extremely controlling men. Two of my sisters' mates have even exhibited violent behavior while my third sister has a husband who controls her through biblical scriptures. It's sad to see. None of them have been able to break the cycle that abuse seems to have on a family. My parents had an extremely violent marriage. My father was also an OTR truck driver. When he was home we never knew if we would wake up to the sounds of screaming, punching, or police sirens. When he was gone, we had to deal with the fallout of my parents' latest altercation. Believe me, this scenario was commonplace in our home. Consequently, my siblings have had problems with chemical dependencies, emotional abuse to their children, promiscuity, and financial instability.

I on the other hand, had extremely low self esteem, I didn't care about my personal hygiene, and for a very short while, started drinking and smoking weed. Fortunately, I was introduced to the world of therapy in high school. My school started a counseling program for children at risk. The parents had to give permission but I forged my father's signature. I knew something was wrong with me. I was on medication because of my nervous condition. I was always very bright in school but I was barely passing some classes and failing others, even gym. Anyway, before my forgery was caught, my school therapist really helped me realize how unnatural my situation was. As I became older, and exposed to other people, I began to see how my life could have been if my parents hadn't stayed together for me, and I wanted that other life.

I became a woman totally unlike my mother, and dated/married a man very different from my father. I proceeded to have children and parent my kids in a directly opposite manner than my parents did. They are able to talk to us, show us affection, and disagree when they feel we are wrong, without fear of a personal attack.

Because of my parents' marriage, and the subsequent handling of their divorce, I am unable to have a close relationship with either of them. As a child, you want to believe your parents have your best interest at heart. It becomes sad when you realize that was not the case. It is very sad to have a mother that you can't have a five minute conversation with and a father who never "got" his role as a husband and father.

It is imperative that kids feel safe and secure. If they aren't feeling that way with the two of you being together, please explore other options.

[land64shark]

Is this a school for which you have to pay tuition? If so, are scholarships available? I understand you want your kids to have the best, but (and I'm going to be blunt) is it worth it to stay in an abusive relationship just so you/they don't feel 'poor?'

If you have the available money to do these extra things, is it possible to 'squirrel away' money for your exit?

Let him!! He's not very fond of his kids if he's continueing to treat the family this way.

It is only with your permission that he makes you feel like it's all your fault. He has no more control over your feelings then you have over his.

I'm sorry if I've offended anyone. My only wish is to help where I can.

Good luck!

RoxanRN2003,

Don't worry about offending anyone. If I hear something enough times, maybe I'll accept it.

Re: schools. Actually, they are part of the public school system and free.

I can squirrel away some money, but probably not much more than a few hundred dollars. One point in my favor is that I've got excellent credit and several credit cards that belong solely to me with high credit limits and no balances. My mom would also be able to LEND me any amount of money I might need, is local and can help with the kids.

As for him moving to Canada, there are reciprocal child support laws between Canada and my state so he wouldn't be hiding from his obligations in that way. (Alimony may be a different story.) I just can't imagine what the kids would think about it all.

I'm getting closer to making the break. Like I said, I already tried telling him once I wanted out. It took alot to work up the courage to do that and then it got me nowhere. Ugh! Now I have to work up to it again. But his emotional blackmail isn't going to work. He said it's up to me, so it would be my fault if he moves out of the kids lives.Yeah, right! Nope, that's not gonna work here. Frankly, it might work out great for me if he does move and I get sole custody.

I just took my A&P 1 and psyche finals (I should have A's in both) and have almost 2 weeks before the summer session starts. I'm taking this time to fix up the house since it's going to have to be sold. It needs all new blinds, paint, and the kitchen is half wallpapered and has a naked floor awaiting tile. This stuff (and more) would never get done if I filed first.

I'm getting there. The day is getting closer and closer. I think summer while the kids are out of school would be best for them. Heck, they're out of school in less than 2 weeks.

I need all the encouragement I can get. Thanks guys.