Am I Being Bullied?

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Hey guys,

I'm sorry this is so long! I'm a 4th year BSN student, on my way to graduate. Right now I'm in my final practicum with a preceptor who I will be with until I am finished school. I think I'm being bullied by my preceptor, but I'm unsure of how to proceed.

The situation is basically like this: she is a good preceptor. She let's me ask questions, tells me what I'm doing wrong when I'm doing something wrong, leave me alone to be independent when I'm doing skills I know how to do, lets me verbalize skills and the critical thinking involved before I do them when I request it, and is receptive of me asking questions, letting me know where to look for the answers. Her feedback is fair, and I think it is a near accurate assessment of how I am doing.

However, despite all this, on a personal level, I feel as if I'm being bullied. For example, when I walk into the nursing station in the morning, I greet her with a "Good morning, how was your day/week/night?" and I get a, "Good," or, "Fine" with no eye contact, followed by her turning around and gossiping with the other nurses about how her night was. She never asks how I'm doing as a human being or how my day was, and never tried to include me in the discussion. When we're on night shift together, and it's just the two of us, usually we're sitting in complete silence until I say something. Then for the most part, unless it's specifically about something that will improve my learning, I get a one word answer. Once the other nurses come back, she's instantly back into gossip mode, talking away about a topic I know nothing about and have no way of being included in. When we're alone, silence.

When we're in patient rooms together, and she's taking the lead, meeting a patient for the first time or showing me how to do a skill, she does not introduce me to the people in the room, (understandably, after that she's too engrossed in talking to them to give me a chance to say anything so I'm just standing there awkwardly while they're probably wondering why I'm there). If she does introduce me, it's completely off hand and emotionless, as if I have no real purpose for being there. Additionally, when she's demonstrating how to do a skill, she does not verbalize what is happening. And then typically, she walks away from me right after the skill is completed, without giving me a chance to debrief, or ask questions. I feel uncomfortable asking questions in patient rooms when I'm not performing skills, because I don't want to look completely clueless to people I've just met, since I'll be giving care to them later. Whenever I find her later and try to talk to her afterwards, I feel stupid under her emotionless stare (she does let me ask, and she does answer, it's just so unfeeling and unempathetic and almost as if she's talking down to me).

This situation also extends to walking together in the halls to deliver things around the hospital. She walks quickly, gives me one to two word answers to my attempt to start a conversation, and then once we are back at the nursing station, begins a joyful conversation with the other nurses about things in their lives I know nothing about. When I was shadowing her, and engrossed in something else, she would literally get up and walk away so quickly that I was unsure if I should even be following her. She didn't say she was leaving or even check if I was coming.

I feel awkward interrupting her when I need help when she's sitting with other nurses because all I get is this blank, emotionless stare and response. I'm actually afraid that when I ask a stupid question and leave the nursing station, that she will be gossiping about me. Actually, although I know she'll give me a response that will help me with my learning, I hate asking her questions, period. I feel judged, in the way, stupid and I almost feel like crying when she emotionlessly, verbally directs me on where I need to go from her seat to find the answer instead of showing me or working alongside me to make sure I'm actually doing it right. When I don't know the answer to something that she thinks I should have learned (or that I had honestly forgotten), I get this almost-annoyed silent look that just brings my confidence all the way down. Aside from her evaluation of me as a nursing student, I have no idea what she thinks of me. It's the most frustrating, lonely experience I have ever been through. I find myself sitting up at night/morning at the end of shifts, just wracking my brain trying to figure out some sort of conversation topic. Usually, at the end of shifts, she doesn't even say, "Good bye," or "Good job." It's almost always, "You can go home now," followed by her turning her back to me and continuing on with her discussions with the other nurses.

The thought of doing seven more weeks of practice with her is driving my anxiety up the wall. I'm more afraid of being ignored or silently judged by her than what my next set of patients will look like. It's wearing me down emotionally. Talking and laughing with patients is great, but the relationship I have with them is therapeutic - not a friendship, and yet I'm valuing my talks with them more than I do with the people I may one day be working with. I'm always just sitting at the nurses station, in silence, listening to the others having a merry time. When I try to join in (the few times the topics jump to something I understand or feel comfortable with stating my opinion), I just get a one word answer and then the conversation moves on without me. :(

Her treatment of me could be partially my fault; I know I am over friendly and one of those people who tends to act like I'm good friends with people I've just met and tends to reveal more about myself than I should when I'm uncomfortable, which may have initially made her uncomfortable. I know my speech is awkward when I'm not passionate about the topic, and that I sometimes stumble over my words. I also understand there is an age difference between me and her and that in our free time, we don't share similar hobbies. So yes, I understand that it may be hard to get along with me. It's just, when I think of how she treats patients and her colleagues, and then when I reflect on how she treats me, I am filled with this sense of complete loneliness. It's not as if I'm asking her hard questions. Usually it's just, "How are you? Did you sleep well? How was your day off?" or things about the weather. It's all small talk, nothing that you wouldn't expect someone to ask, "How are you?" back after answering. I usually volunteer how I'm feeling after I ask her, because it's just so awkward to leave it at, "Good." That's literally how far our relationship has progressed after twelve, twelve hour shifts together. We've spent hundreds of hours together, and she can't even ask how I'm doing. :(

I feel uncomfortable speaking with the other nurses, because I don't want to have a better relationship with them than I do with her, since I understand that she is volunteering to take me on, and I don't want resentment to build between us. She is one of those "alpha" people who is the topic or the creator of the topic of what people around her talk about, and I feel if I can't get along with her, then it'll be near impossible to have a good relationship with the other nurses (even more so since she is there when I'm with the others 24/7). My existence and personality on the ward, aside from being a "Student Nurse" feels so... unwanted. Like all I should be doing is learning how to nurse instead of forming relationships with the people I work alongside. It'd be fine if it were an eight hour shift, but this is twelve hours, back to back, day in and day out, of having "Me" being ignored.

In conclusion, as a teacher, she is good. For the most part, I understand how I am doing as a student and I feel that she'll never leave me hanging when I gather the courage to interrupt her for help (despite the awful emotionless looks and feelings of being judged). However, as a human being, I feel ignored and unwanted. I don't know if this is how preceptorships are supposed to be, if this is some grand plan to make me more independant instead of relying on her, and I don't know if this is something I can bring up with my instructor, since this has nothing to do with me learning as a student. Make no mistake, I am learning, I'm getting better at thinking for myself based off of fear of talking to her, and I am getting better at not letting every incident or snub bring me down. But, I don't know. Am I being bullied or am I overreacting? Are my feelings valid? Any advice on how to proceed? Any conversation starters? I'm having nightmares and trouble falling asleep over this, and I'm afraid of compromising patient care over being uncomfortable with asking her for help when she's knee deep in a happy "Wendey-proofed" discussion with the others. :(

In the wake of recent fora, I have to ask if you're overreacting.

Specializes in Acute Care, Rehab, Palliative.

That does sound unfortunate but she is fulfilling her role as preceptor and that's all she really has to do. It sounds like a personality thing. There really isn't much you can do. I wouldn't call this bullying.

Specializes in Pediatrics, Emergency, Trauma.
That does sound unfortunate but she is fulfilling her role as preceptor and that's all she really has to do. It sounds like a personality thing. There really isn't much you can do. I wouldn't call this bullying.

This.

The most you can do is remain professional; it sounds as if you respect her for being your preceptor and that is a far as it's should go-trying to "friend" a preceptor sounds more like a social activity-which doesn't really have it's place when you are learning; you can always extend professional relationships later; at this time you are learning; learn the value of professional relationships; they most of the time go farther than the social relationships.

Best wishes.

Specializes in Acute Care, Rehab, Palliative.

You seem to be taking things way too personally. You make repeated references to her being emotionless and analyzing how she looks at you. You even complain about how she introduces you. What do you expect? Speak up and introduce yourself. At this stage you shouldn't be waiting for a special introduction from her. You acknowledge that this has nothing to do with you learning as a student so shy do you feel it's an issue? Yes you are overreacting.

You will work with a variety of personalities during your career and not all of them will be warm and fuzzy. Be thankful that she is being a decent preceptor and find friends elsewhere.

Specializes in Rehab, Skilled Nursing.

So sorry to hear about your experience. I am also like you, a person who enjoys talking to others, and my past experiences with other nurses has been somewhat similar. You just develop thick skin.

You will have to tolerate it and branch out on your own by being yourself. I see no harm in taking the initiative to introduce your self and getting to know those who have interests in you.

12 hours is a long time to deal with someone like this. I hope that you complete a survey or preceptor critique. What a miserable person.

I think instructors and preceptors are the equivalent to parents: they are there to teach you, guide you, and make sure you are successful and competent. They are not a peer and are not there to be a friend.

I do my preceptorship this fall, and I hope I get someone who is a great teacher...that's the be-all-end-all of what I want from this preceptorship. I want to LEARN. I have zero expectation of friendship or even small talk, that's not why I am there.

It sounds like you have a good preceptor! I hope you can get past these feelings so that you can have a great preceptorship experience! :D

Specializes in Critical Care, ED, Cath lab, CTPAC,Trauma.

It is difficult just starting out. Feelings of insecurity can be over whelming. That is normal. We have all been there...((HUGS))

Your post tells me that your preceptor is a good teacher but isn't social with strangers. That is a personality trait and not that she is bullying you.

she is a good preceptor. She let's me ask questions, tells me what I'm doing wrong when I'm doing something wrong, leave me alone to be independent when I'm doing skills I know how to do, lets me verbalize skills and the critical thinking involved before I do them when I request it, and is receptive of me asking questions, letting me know where to look for the answers. Her feedback is fair, and I think it is a near accurate assessment of how I am doing.
I am not minimizing your feelings. ((HUGS)) She is friendly with her peers because she KNOWS them. You do not know what a persons personal burdens are or why they act the way they do. It might be that at one time she was spoken to about professionalism with her students/new nurses for being too chatty because she was reported by a student that didn't like chatty over friendly nurses.

Should she introduce you? Yes she should. But you can introduce yourself. Even before you leave the room...walk up to the patient and introduce yourself..."Hi....and I'm Wendey and I am a student at XYZ school and will be following Mary all day...nice to meet you." There done. :)

Your post tells me that you like the niceties. Those simple exchanges. Some people are just not good at them. I have found over the years that people are becoming less and less "polite". Maybe because we are spending too much time talking to machines an computer screens. May I mention here how much I HATE those STUPID automatic operators you push buttons with for 20 mins to get to a human? :mad: .....BY the time I get to the human I have no patience left and find it difficult to be polite.

Manners do matter..but not everyone has them. However that does not make you bullied. "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent" Eleanor Roosevelt

I feel stupid under her emotionless stare (she does let me ask, and she does answer, it's just so unfeeling and unempathetic and almost as if she's talking down to me).

However, despite all this, on a personal level, I feel as if I'm being bullied.
Just because she doesn't exchange her daily life with you doesn't mean she is being mean. You need to understand that just like you get when you are nervous...maybe she calms up. A BIG part of nursing is learning how to get along with MANY different personality types.That is emotional maturity.

Her treatment of me could be partially my fault; I know I am over friendly and one of those people who tends to act like I'm good friends with people I've just met and tends to reveal more about myself than I should when I'm uncomfortable, which may have initially made her uncomfortable. I know my speech is awkward when I'm not passionate about the topic, and that I sometimes stumble over my words. I also understand there is an age difference between me and her and that in our free time, we don't share similar hobbies.
Do you really need chit chat to learn? Is it about you and developing friendships? Is it really necessary to develop bonds with people if they are gone never to be seen after 6 weeks? Could it be that she is sensing that you feel she is emotionless, unfeeling?
Am I being bullied or am I overreacting? Are my feelings valid? Any advice on how to proceed? Any conversation starters? I'm having nightmares and trouble falling asleep over this, and I'm afraid of compromising patient care over being uncomfortable with asking her for help when she's knee deep in a happy "Wendey-proofed" discussion with the others
Yes your feeling are valid...they are your feelings. Yes you are overreacting. BUt that is OK...within reason. No you are not being bullied. You are the captain of your own destiny. I would talk to your instructor about this but I would also remember that your purpose while there is NOT to make friends. It is to learn and that she is doing for you..you are in control of how you feel. You don't have to besties with everyone but you do need to learn.

"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent"

Thanks guys,

Yeah, I see the point. I guess I am overreacting a bit. It's nice to have this pointed out before I spoke to my teacher! It just sucks having to deal with this day in and day out. I suppose I'm just too emotional (I'm not a troll, lol.). I can push through this! I'm almost there anyway.

Thanks for taking the time to comment and give me an honest response!

Specializes in Nephrology, Cardiology, ER, ICU.

I have a close family member who has been in ICU for almost 6 weeks now. As I've been at the large teaching hospital as a visitor I've noticed that most of the students come in on their own introduce themselves. No biggie there.

Specializes in Med-Surg, Emergency, CEN.

*hugs!* Make friends with other people. You are not required to like your preceptor better than anyone else. That's where you are hurting yourself.

I can see that you are someone that can talk to others fairly easily. A work day is ten times harder when you feel isolated.

Specializes in Childbirth Educator, Birth Doula.

My dear, as someone who actually *has* been bullied, it's really hard to read your post and take your use of the word seriously at all. With all due respect.

This is a great opportunity to figure out where you stand personally on your own professionalism. Nobody in nursing school is there to meet your emotional needs. To be totally, completely honest and kind, it sounds like you are missing out on some emotional support in your personal life and there's a possibility you may be countertransfering here.

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