Would you have a child because you thought you would regret it later on if you didn't

allnurses Guide · Dec 14, 2005

as someone who just turned 40, who is childless and partnerless, i wish i had had a child by now, but i'm glad i don't. when i was in my 30's, i looked into being a single mother by choice, and decided it was not the route i wanted to go. my decision, good for others, not for me. i'd love to have a child, but i don't want a child without a partner. it's hard enough when you do have a partner, and i don't have the means to raise a child on my own; at least, not the way i'd want to raise a child. i have had a great life, in many ways, and i still do. i think i would have been a fantastic mom, in fact, i think it would have been the perfect job for me, but it didn't work out. granted, i still have a few years if circumstances change. there's nothing on the horizon, though. don't add a child to your life because you worry about what the future holds if you don't. have a child because it's right for you and your partner, and because of all the love you can give.

nice post. :kiss

never say never - i had my last child at 43 and right now i'm looking at a website with kids who need adoption in my county - infants to teens.

i'm such a softy.

steph

sugabuga · Dec 14, 2005

Sometimes I wonder if it's pointless to try to raise a child today. They are so disrespectful and greedy. I know that if I did some of the things kids today do my orifice would be grass. Is it worth it when the chances of having one that grows up appreciative and humble are slim? Take my sister for instance, she's 10 years younger than I am and the most ungrateful little wretch ever. Can't be the parenting, my brother and I grew up fine and if I do say so myself, I have great parents. The environment today is awful for raising a child. Once they hit adolescence...ugh. Am I being too negative? I am weighing the option of having kids and can't for the life of me make up my mind.

SmilingBluEyes · Dec 14, 2005

Yes, I think you are being way too negative. Kids are born selfish---I was born selfish, so were YOU. Babies are inherently selfish for their very survival!

It's up to parents and society to teach differently--to teach the kids that there are things bigger and more important than themselves and their wants.

And besides, what future would there ever be, if everyone thought having kids a pointless undertaking?? My take? I prefer the "glass half full" viewpoint here. I hope to raise MINE to be productive, kind and caring citizens that add, not take away, from larger society. Not all people are raising kids to be ruthless greedy megalomaniacs!

fotografe · Dec 14, 2005

"Better" is relative. Your personal experience was "better" for you, but not necessarily for everyone else. I don't think you can make a very good judgement on what kind of a parent someone will be by observing them for a couple days on a postpartum floor. Everyone has to make their own decision about when, if and how they become a parent. As the "village", we should just be supportive, not judgemental.

If you know that you DO want children, I think sooner is better than later. My floor's population is a lot of older moms and many of them are having their first babies in their late 30's, early 40's or even mid 40's and beyond. They are frequently IVF or fertility drug babies and the moms often have health problems throughout the pregnancy. Personally I wanted to be done having kids by 35 and I was. I noticed pregnancy and childbirth seems to get harder and the keeping up with the kids part seems harder as well. I think there are benefits to having kids when you are older, for one probably more patience, more knowledge and more money but I don't know if more knowledge is necessarily a good thing. Seems to me the older first time parents have read too many books and have too many ideas about the "right" way to raise children with no actual practical experience. They definitely seem to stress and worry a lot more about things. A lot of them waited till the "right" time to have a baby - after they traveled, after they were successful or had X amt of dollars, or bought a house. But sometimes they waited too long and couldn't get pregnant at all. At least from my observations as a postpartum nurse.
I did have one patient, never married, had never been pregnant, successful, got married for the first time at age 40, had her first son at 41, second at 42, third at 43 and was done. Each and every one she got an amnio and they were all perfect, three perfect boys, relatively easy pregnancies. So it does happen.

nurse4theplanet, RN · Dec 16, 2005

It's definitely not my driving force, but it is one of many "what if" kind of thoughts that is in the back of my mind.

A few other trivial little ideas that pop up now and then include:

I would feel like I disappointed my mother if I did not provide her with a grandchild......she is practically begging for one

As I watch my grandparents begin to pass away noticing that the younger grandchildren did not have the time to create a bond with them as I did.....It makes me worry about waiting too long to have children too.

my loving spouse wants children and i knew this before we were married, so I do not want to disappoint him

Like I said, trivial thoughts that are NOT my driving force (as I am 22, not ready for the responsibility and self-sacrifice, and not planning on having children in the *near future*) but still thoughts that cross my mind along with the more mainstream 'right' reasons to have children.

sugabuga · Dec 16, 2005

I agree. I never really thought about it until I turned 23. That birthday was like an open door for people to ask when we were going to have a baby. Kids are a product of their environment. I guess all we can do is do our best as parents and hope it sinks in. I worry about waiting too late for the same reasons as asoldierswife05. I hear the best part about being a parent is the opportunity to be a grandparent. The longer I wait the less I'll be able to enjoy that. On the other hand, everything about waiting until I'm in my late 20's (if ever) appeals to me more.

suzanne4, RN · Dec 16, 2005

Have never had any, and do not plan on it. And definitely no regrets. You have to do what you feel comfortable with.

stpauligirl · Jan 8, 2006

I had my second child because I had to make a rather quick decision because I was a candidate for a hysterectomy at the age of 37. The pressure was on, they doubted I was even ovulating. Every doc I saw encouraged me to get pregnant sooner than later or it might not happen anymore. My oldest was 14 at the time. I had just been married to my second husband who didn't have any children yet and I was his first wife (he was 33 and would still have had plenty of time). Our baby was America's most planned and wanted baby....because everything was so clinical and scientific I remember the day I got pregnant :) I am glad I went ahead with it even though I wished we had had time as newlyweds a little longer :-) our very healthy son will be 8 next week, I gave stuff like school etc up for awhile but I am back now. He keeps me young, on my toes and I couldn't imagine life without him! I would have forever been unhappy had I decided otherwise since my oldest left a while ago and lives in FL. I'd be a crabby old lady by now and I don't think my husband would be happy either without children of his own. I finally said good bye to my sick uterus ,which I tried to salvage, but things became progressively worse and interfered with the quality of my life.

pugmum · Jan 8, 2006

Would you have a child because you thought you would regret it later on if you didn't...

No!

guislander · Jan 8, 2006

My question to you is, why are you unsure? That will go a long way to answering whether or not to have children. I got pregnant by accident with my first husband (then live in boyfriend). He ABSOLUTELY did not want kids. We were young, he was 20, I was 22. When our daughter was born with a genetic disorder and we were told she was terminal, both of us were racked with guilt. While we were together after her death both of us were set on not having any more kids. But that experience was what set me into nursing. AFter we split and I married a man who was desperate to HAVE children, I changed my mind again. He wanted to have three children. I said then that I wanted to be done by the time I was thirty. We now have 2 healthy boys and may or may not be done. I'm just glad I didn't make an irreversible decision at the age of 22-23. I would not however recommend having a baby while in nursing school. My second son was born in the middle of a semester and due to complications I had to take an incomplete for the semester. I have since finished it, but it wasn't fun taking a final while in labor.

tinderbox · Jan 24, 2006

No, I would not.

Bringing another human being into this world is a gigantic undertaking. NOt just giving birth but raising the kid, instilling values/morals, teaching life lessons, and making sure that he/she grows up to be a productive, kind, and decent adult. I don't want kids (just don't have that desire) and know that it will be a difficult decision for my family to accept. But I cannot do something as important and huge as this just because I MAY regret it in the future, or so in 70 years my kids MAY look after me, or to please anyone else.

When you have a kid, that child is a child for a very short time. What really matters is what kind of an adult he/she will become, and how prepared a person is to accept all the heartache, disappointments, sacrifices, and pain (along with the incredible love and joy) that come with the reality of childrearing.