there are conflict lovers among us! gack!

  1. The more I see of some of the ppl I work with the more I think I want to spend my time in a forest with trees and animals!

    one of my flaws is that I am a conflict avoider...I dont enjoy conflict, I know it happens as we all have differing opinions etc but why on earth do some ppl take such delight in conflict and pitting one person against another?!?
    for example, one day we were particularly busy and someone asked me why the orders werent done for their pt yet, I explained that I was the only one at the desk working as the nurse I work with was at a meeting.....so the next day the nurse I work with confronts me saying that I called her lazy and said that I was doing all the work
    yeah cuz I'm so great at complimenting myself all the time, hello have you met me?
    I calmy explained that I didnt say anything personal, I was speaking about the charts not being done, and If I'm commenting on work type issues then thats different then calling someone lazy or saying I cant stand working with them.
    I also took this moment to tell her that her "friend" did her a great disservice by telling her what she told her because a.it wasnt true and
    b. it did nothing constructive and caused a conflict between the 2 of us.
    she accepted what I had to say but it just made me realize that some people thrive on misery and creating stress and struggle
    if I ever get like that could someone do me the kind favour of kicking my butt.......
    thanks in advance
    peace love and understanding man (or something, hey I wasnt around for the 60's and most of the 70's either )
    cheers
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  2. 26 Comments

  3. by   KaraLea
    My grandfather was like that...loved to make trouble and then stand back and look innocent and like he had nothing to do with the whole mess.
  4. by   KaraLea
    I am more like my grandmother (and you)...I hate conflict and will avoid it at all costs. I have gone ahead and done extra at work to make sure it all gets done, instead of waiting and then having a big mess in the end if it doesn't get done.
  5. by   shay
    I think lots of nurses tend to avoid conflict.........thus the mess we're in now.

    Not that it makes you a bad person to avoid conflict (God knows I do...I have to be reeeeeeeeally pi$$ed off to get into it w/someone.....). But I think it's a common personality trait in a lot of nurses (myself included).

    BTW, Wendy, honey, you're not the only one who's wanted to quit and go work with plants!! Gawd, at least plants can't TALK!! What a blessing...........................
  6. by   Jenny P
    Unfortuneately, Happeewendy, there are people in this world who do delight in causing trouble and conflict around them. I don't think those people are happy unless they do have everyone else upset with everyone else! And then they play the innocent!!!! Learn who these people are and then NEVER feed into their game! And be sure that your other co-workers also know that this person is not to be trusted.
  7. by   LasVegasRN
    They are what we call DRAMA KINGS OR DRAMA QUEENS. If there isn't a crisis, they will create one. They can't function without a crisis. They will suck the life out of you IF you let them.

    Personally, I keep a can of DRAMA repellant on my desk.
  8. by   SmilingBluEyes
    Happeewendy, you sound like a wonderful person to work with ...just let that light of yours shine as a beacon for those hopeless ones who are obviously not happy and thrive on conflict and negativism. And congrats on going back to school! I wish you WELL!
  9. by   sandstormsdust
    I hate creatures of conflicts... and know a number of them myself...

    When I encounter people trying to pull me into a conflict I instead of getting into it with them I always say " Will this be helping or hurting the situation????" and then turn around and 'YeLL' back - I think it is hurting the situation so go find someone else to pick a fight with!!!" It usually disables them enough to not bring the 'issue' up... and if they are there to make a good point - they usaully approach me later on - in a none conflict manner - and have a person to person talk about how we can make things better... or atleast put the issues aside - and respect eachother for who we are and our differences...

    It is interesting how a person will think that the only why of making a point is causing a conflict - and if they are there not wanting to cause a conflict they appreaciate your defusing the situation... and the honesty you used in creating a more comforting position - esp. if they want to give you pointers
  10. by   MollyJ
    The term for people who create conflict and then sit back and watch the sparks is "triangulators". Triangulators love to carry tales, misquote, complain but not participate in the solution, and get you to solve their conflicts.

    The quickest way to calm down triangulators is to bring all involved parties to the table. Wendy, in your situation, you call Nurse A over to join your conversation with Nurse B and say, "Nurse A, Nurse B said that you reported I said this. That's not what I remember saying. This is what I remember saying [and say it]." Often that's enough to clear the air. Nurse B is impressed that you are willing to confront the situation with Nurse A and likely has been triangulated by her before. She starts to get the picture. Nurse A may bluster and deny. Then you can say, "You know, Nurse B, I value working with you and if I had a problem with your work, I'd come directly to you."

    Try it, but you've got to be pretty calm about it. BTW, triangulation isn't a "nurse" thing, it's a human thing and it's one way unempowered feeling people work to get their way.

    Give it a try.
  11. by   hoolahan
    I like to play with the instigators. Tell them something I know will get them fired up! Like if they come up to me and say how so and so got this holiday off, and aren't I higher in seniority. First it's none of their business what my schedule or anyone else's schedule is. So, I just say something like, "Oh, you must not have been here when we had that discussion." And then I find out I forgot something, and excuse myself, leaving them to wonder, and someone like that will wonder and wonder, what they missed! This only works if you have the instigators pegged. I have gotten so the hairs on my neck stand, and radar attenae stick up off my head when one of these people approaches me.

    You have to disarm them, by making them think they are the ones out of the loop. This makes them crazy. It doesn't have to be true, just something that will make them go bonkers trying to figure it out. Takes the wind right out of their sails!

    Aren't I terrible?? LOL!

    But Molly gives excellent advice. I once had a mother tell me my dtr made her dtr cry b/c she couldn't say supercalfragilistic... b/c of a lisp. I was really disappointed in my dtr and told her so, which she completely denied. Quite by accident, we all happened to be standing together the next day, and I said to the little girl, Kathleen, I am sorry to hear that Kristy hurt your feelings. She said, What? Kristy didn't hurt my feelings? I looked at her mother, and she says to her dtr, Remember when you couldn't say supercalifragilitistic...? The dtr say, NO mom, we were just kidding around. I said I thought you were upset and cried, and that would have made me feel bad. She said no, I wasn't upset at all. Then the girls ran off together, which left me just giving her mother an icy stare. I felt really bad, b/c this woman was Kristy's girlscout leader, and I got a lot of reports like that about Kris, and I admonished her every time, only to find out this woman was a liar. After that I went to q girl scout meeting to be sure I knew what was going on, and keep that woman away from my dtr.
    Last edit by hoolahan on Jun 21, '02
  12. by   canoehead
    "Oh you weren't at that meeting"

    LOL Hoolahan you are evil.
  13. by   Huganurse
    Hi Happeewendy,
    Of course, we all know people like you have to deal with at work. My thought on this are: People will only get away with what you let them. I deal with people like this by 1. Not buying into thier games. 2. Smoothering them with sweetness...No matter how bad it gets, be nice....That usually gets thier goat. 3. Let them know they are acting like children by pointing out thier behavior.
    People who become targets of misery makers are usually easy targets. Don't let them do this to you. They know they are getting on your nerves...So they win. Don't let them win. When they see that thier misery making isn't working on you anymore they will find someone else to make miserable.
    I have read your posts before and realize you have been the brunt of your units jerkusamoungus. Rise above them happeewendy! I really like what hoolahan does. It's actually a perfect way to deal with these people. You are working in a female dominated profession. Me thinks it's a girl thing, as I have never seen guys do this kind of stuff to each other. Have you had it out with them yet? I mean, call a meeting to discuss the behaviors. When I was a "young" nurse and inexperienced with this kind of thing I had to get management to intervene. Now that I'm an "old" nurse, I've learned how to handle them and usually do something like hoolahan to turn the tables back on them. Keep the ball in your court. Refuse to let them bother you. You will also get better over the years in dealing with these situations.....It takes practice and experience...atleast it did for me. I was so nieve to this kind of behavior when I started nursing, as I had always worked in male dominated jobs. I had no idea that women could be so vicious...but they can!
  14. by   mattsmom81
    Wendy, your posts speak volumes about the kind of person and nurse you are, IMO! (and in others opinion too I can see!)

    I was raised to be a 'nice' girl and can tell you were too....so it is hard to take when others play games with us...

    Stay above it. Good advice from everyone....frustrated people play lots of games to feel 'in control', don't they? Hang in there girlfriend!

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