Should I tell my friend that she is dying?

gitterbug · Apr 16, 2007

No, you should not get into the middle of this situation. Be there for your friend, be there for her spouse, but do not tell. This is a matter for the spouse and physicians.

user9876 · Apr 16, 2007

Seems to me that hubby may be spending a bit of time in the denial stage. It's a slippery slope - i mean that denial may be the only shred of hope he's holding onto.

I'm glad someone said this. He might not so much be intentionally "lying" as he is just trying to hold on to hope. I mean, she's not dead yet guys! He might not be wanting to give up yet. He might be afraid that telling her she's dying will cause her to give up, also.

ktwlpn, LPN · Apr 16, 2007

I would not volunteer this information however if my friend asked me I would not lie to her.I would tell her she needs to speak with her doctor-I would make it clear that things are not good and their is info she needs to obtain.I think since you are not working with her or at that facility you would not be violating any professional ethics-the husband has no legal right to with hold this info-she needs to know..It's not about HIM, it's about her....I detest physicians that go along with this kind of subterfuge....It sucks

TrudyRN · Apr 16, 2007

I think your friend already knows, on some level, that she is in very deep water and there's no lifeboat on the horizon - or it's too far away to help.

I guess I'm thinking that it would not be good to hold out false hope but

the truth is, she might get a liver tonight. We don't really know. This is

a delicate situation.

What would be your purpose in telling her she's terminal? What is your goal in telling her?

Formerly, it was common practice to never tell a patient he was dying. That wasn't really good. But I'm not so sure that destroying hope altogether is so great, either.

What does your friend need to wrap up? Small kids to arrange for? Financial matters? Personal things? Relationship with her Maker? Other relationships?

Tread very lightly. And I am sorry about losing your friend.

Ann RN · Apr 16, 2007

In my experience, the pt. already knows. Often they do not say it because they do not want their family to be upset. The pt. knows more than we give them credit for.

nhelkhound · Apr 16, 2007

Baaaad situation. I would talk to the husband privately, tell him that IF my friend asks me if she's dying I will say that I cannot say definitively yes OR no, but that her medical condition is very serious. I would ask her if she thinks she is dying and take the conversation from there.

SuesquatchRN, BSN, RN · Apr 16, 2007

Butt out.

Explain to the husband that you disagree but butt out. As has been said, tell him that you will not lie if asked. But otherwise, butt out.

Chaya, ASN, RN · Apr 16, 2007

I don't think it would be at all out of line to try to speak with the case manager associated with the case and just let them know the situation as you have stated it here: that your friend's husband is specifically requesting that information be withheld from your friend and that to the best of your belief she is competent to receive medical info regarding her own health.

So sorry you are going through this. I know you will find a way to support your friend.

TazziRN, RN · Apr 16, 2007

Since you are not even employed where she is, I am assuming you got the information about her condition from family. HIPAA does not apply in this case. Legally you would be protected since you would not be reciting anything you saw in her chart or got from her nurses.

HOWEVER: you still can't say anything. Since you are not family you do not have the right. You can tell her husband that you will not lie if she asks, but don't just volunteer the information. I'm sure her MD already knows the husband does not want her to be told, and this is not a good thing if he's going along with it.

caroladybelle, BSN, RN · Apr 16, 2007

My friend is in the hospital and her liver has shut down. The doctors say she needs a liver transplant immediately. The doctors said it would be almost impossible for her to get a liver transplant now. She asked her husband point blank if she was dying and he told her no. Her husband said that she would not be able to handle this news and that it is best to not tell her the truth. However, I think it would be best to tell her the truth so she can make her own life decisions on this matter. Should I just butt out and go along with the lie or tell her the truth? Let me know what you think. Thanks

First, you do not lie.

Second, you do not "know" the truth...as it has not been written, yet.

We do not absolutely know what is going to happen, only our Creator does. Things can change in the blink of an eye.

As an onco nurse, I walk a fine line on this one. But certain things tend to stand out.

Chances are, your friend "knows" that she is going to die and it is a blatant disservice to her to turn around and bold faced lie, even on the guise of "protecting" her. She is owed the right to make certain decisions about: her care, care of her loved ones/dependant children, financial issues and finalizing psychosocial issues/resolving conflicts....before it is too late to do so.

If evryone around her is doing the "of course, you won't die - don't talk like that" song and dance, as well meaning as intended, it does a grave disservice to her and her rights. It also makes her feel ...lied to and not respected, as she most likely knows that death is close. But she will stop discussing death and the things that she needs to resolve, to make her spouse happy and to not "bother" people.

Yes, the MD should discuss this, but too often the patient is not that comfortable with them and is comfortable with a nurse.

The answer is therapeutic communication. When the question of "Will I die from this?" arises, explain that is not a determination that you can make. Ask what she has discussed with her MD, do acknowledge that she is acutely ill, and ask her about her feelings and impressions, that since she is very ill, are there decisions that she wishes to make or things that she wants to have done, due to the gravity of her illness.

You do not "take away hope" but you always acknowledge the gravity of the situation, and encourage her to take the actions/make decisions that she she needs to.

As far as "Why would you tell someone that they are terminal - what does it help them - it only harms them?" ideal, sorry but we are all owed the right to make final decisions if possible. And when the patient "knows" in their heart that they are dying, it often is denying them part of their grieving process and often keeps them from being able to discuss issues with loved ones that are denying the potential of death ("I don't want to upset my husband with this")

ranchwife · Apr 17, 2007

In my experience, the pt. already knows. Often they do not say it because they do not want their family to be upset. The pt. knows more than we give them credit for.

Very true!! Very, very true!!!

crissrn27, RN · Apr 17, 2007

Oh man, I feel for you and your friend, her family, everyone. I don't think I would say anything, either. Such a hard situation to deal with, so many emotions. Maybe a liver will come available. This is so not my area but aren't there living donors for livers now? Could you, friends, family, etc be tested?