Need Advise regarding my highschool girl mentoree

Nurses General Nursing

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Specializes in LTC, Med/Surg, Peds, ICU, Tele.

Here's the situation: I've been mentoring a highschool girl from my church. She used to babysit for me, and I've more or less known her since she was 4. Her family is very conservative, religious, and she is their youngest of 6 children. She's a great young lady. She plans to go into nursing and this is part of her senior project.

We have gotten together several times and she job shadowed twice. Her presentation is Wednesday which I plan to attend. I really like this girl.

Here's my dilemma. When she first approached me about this, her original plan was to move to another part of our state near her oldest sister and go to State University. Then, a few months later she confided in me that she now plans to enter ROTC and apply to a very expensive, private, religiously affiliated and prestigeous university. She would go to nursing school and then be obligated to serve in the military.

I hope no one here feels insulted, but I'm opposed to this. I would never want one of my daughters to enter the military. I was totally opposed to the war in Iraq and I don't want this beautiful girl to go there. Personally, I think she's been brainwashed by her arch conservative family, who are pro war in Iraq. They are blue collar people who own a decent home and are middle class, but have a large family and definately don't have the means or inclination to send this girl to this pricey university. However, I do think they would like her to go there because it is an enormous status symbol in my church to send a child to this university.

I discussed this with the pastor here, who is also against the Iraq war, so sympathetic. He advised that it would be good if I gently brought up my opinion that it isn't the only option. So, now that the official mentoring is drawing to a close, I want to gently bring up this subject.

My first point is that, I don't think there's any advantage to going to a high priced university for a nursing degree. I also don't think she realizes the reality of the commitment. She has discussed with me how she thinks children are better off with mothers at home when they are small. What if she gets married while she is in the service and has a child? She will be at the beck and call of the Armed Forces and will very likely be sent to Iraq! One thing I've emphasized is how flexible nursing is for parents!

So, I want to present some other funding options, with the suggestion that it is not in her best interests to try to obtain a nursing degree from an expensive private university, but get grants and loans and go to a State University. Maybe someone can give me a clue how to present this to my young friend, so at least I will have made her aware of her options.

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Specializes in OB.

Instead of telling her what you think she should (and shouldn't do) and projecting your opinions of military service (an honorable profession served by dedicated people no matter what you think of the political situation that got them where they are) onto her, why not open a discussion with her as to HER plans and aspirations and reasons for following the path she is going toward. Don't argue, just listen and only offer suggestions if she specifically asks "What do you think" or "What would you do?". Treat her as the young adult she almost has become, and don't let your personal prejudices affect what sounds like a wonderful mentor/mentoree relationship.

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Specializes in LTC, Med/Surg, Peds, ICU, Tele.

Thanks. That's why I've kept my mouth shut up until now. I just want her to think through all her options and get some imput from somewhere other that her parents' arch conservative circle. I have a lot of respect for her family, by the way, but I would like to give this give another perspective.

I think my biggest worry is that she will meet Mr Right, marry, get pregnant and then not have the freedom to raise her baby herself, but possibly have to endure a harsh separation.

My second concern is I want to protect her from the horrors of war and the possiblity of being blown to bits by a roadside bomb.

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Specializes in CCU,ICU,ER retired.

If she goes to rotc to go to nursing school wouldn't she go into the services as an officer? My cousin did that and after nursing school she went in as a captain. And she went to Iraq but was in a hospital far away from any fighting. She was the manager of an ICU. She also told me that it was just like working in an ICU here. She lived on base in Baghdad. But she told me any time she went off base she had to wear a burka and that wasn't very often. Mostly she would give one of the guys her shopping list and just stay on base.

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Specializes in Emergency.

Hi,

I agree with bagladyrn. This girl is a young adult fully capable of making her own decisions. She may have other reasons for going this route that are not related to her families political/religious leanings.

I am a new nurse, 38years old, and I live in an uber-republican city that is a major military area on the east coast. Did I mention that I am a democrat in a sea of republicans?

During nursing school, all branches of the military visited our class for recruitment. While I have my own opinions regarding the current situation in the Middle East, I have the utmost respect for those who choose to serve. The offers to us future nurses were very tempting to us. The military pays back all student loans, you are an officer. You get a hefty sign on bonus, as well as other perks of service. No there is no guarantee that you will not be stationed in the areas of conflict, but there are also lots of other places that you could be sent.

I don't know what prompted this girl to choose this route to her education, but you have to respect her decision no matter how you feel about it.

I know many people who have served, some have died, some have come home.

I may disagree with the war itself, but remember, those men and women who are serving chose to do this. They were not drafted. Anyone who chooses this path deserves our support, no matter what.

If you talk to her about it, and you feel that she may not have a realistic view of what to expect, then one suggestion is to arrange for her to spend some time at a local VA hospital (if you have one in your area). There are lots of soldiers there who have recently come from Iraq. They have horrific injuries, lots are suffering from PTSD, and can help her view her decision realistically. Also if there are any doctors or nurses in your area who have served, see if she can meet and talk with them.

This way she can know what she can expect if she does get stationed overseas.

No matter what her decision, please support it!

If she decides to go this route, she will be helping so many people, and her courage should be commended, not criticized.

Amy

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Specializes in med-surg.
Instead of telling her what you think she should (and shouldn't do) and projecting your opinions of military service (an honorable profession served by dedicated people no matter what you think of the political situation that got them where they are) onto her, why not open a discussion with her as to HER plans and aspirations and reasons for following the path she is going toward. Don't argue, just listen and only offer suggestions if she specifically asks "What do you think" or "What would you do?". Treat her as the young adult she almost has become, and don't let your personal prejudices affect what sounds like a wonderful mentor/mentoree relationship.

I agree with this. Treat her like the intelligent adult that she is becoming instead of an idiot that is too stupid to figure things out on her own.

With all due respect, you come across as very judgemental. Especially of the young lady's family. You imply that you know better than they do on how they should have raised their daughter. You also insult caring parents by all but accusing of 'brain-washing' their daughter into attending a certain school. Who cares what the young lady said months ago? What teenaged girl doesn't occasionally change plans?

That you have gone as far as discussing this with your pastor tells me that you have become far too emotionally involved and are trying to influence the young lady to your point of view. And that is wrong on so many levels.

I don't agree with the war in Iraq either; but what you are trying to do with this young lady is the same thing that the US is doing in Iraq...sticking the nose in where it has no business being.

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Specializes in Emergency.

Amen JediWitch!

Amy

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You did the right thing by asking for counsel from a man of God before making a move with this situation. That shows that you really care about this young lady. Whatever the decision maybe, stay by her side. She will need your support weather she becomes Iraq bound or not. That's true mentoring.

If I were you, I would keep my point of view to myself unless she asked you personally. THEN you can tell her how you feel, and she has to deal with it.

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Specializes in Dialysis, Nephrology & Cosmetic Surgery.

I can empathise with you as I have had to watch my son go down a different route to the one that I had brought him up.

I guess you have become very close to this young girl and felt that in some way she shared your own ideals?

I would suggest that when you sit down with this young girl you should explain to her that you are conerned for her physical welfare and ask if she has really thought about the implications of going into the forces.

It may be she hasn't thought it through but be prepared for the fact that this may be exactly what she wants to do.

When we are emotionally involved with someone we can become too intense and end up pushing them away. Please don't do this, I know it is difficult because in some way you feel let down. The best thing you can do if she is determind to to through the military is to tell her that you will worry about her but will remember her in your prayers and you will be there for her if she needs you.

My son continues down his own path - I won't bore you with the details - and it does hurt when I think about all the sacrifices I made as a single parent to give him the best start in life. He's 25 now and I he has recently moved back home, I helping him again trying to find him a job etc. He knows he can always come to me if he needs me so ensure this girl feels the same way about you.

I know it hurts now but it will feel easier in time.

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Specializes in rehab-med/surg-ICU-ER-cath lab.

My 21 y/o daughter is in the U.S. Navy serving as a Corpsman. I know this is not the same as an RN but, being in the medical branch is not an automatic ticket to Iraq. As an example, in todays military there is a very rapid evacuation of the injured to stateside hospitals. Thus the need for RN's here in the U.S. is very high. I more than understand your concerns. Even though she is now stationed in the US and taking further training, I worry everyday. But, the Navy has offered my daughter so many opportunities and on a personal level she has matured so much. As a student corpsman (Intense course with a 50%+ wash out rate.) she graduated first in her class with a R.Petty Officer ranking - this from a bright girl that was dragging along in college with low C average. There can be a positive side. Good luck and I hope this all works out for the both of you.

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I would advise her to take the route that did not limit her options when she graduates. However, I would keep the political stuff out of it.

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Specializes in Advanced Practice, surgery.

Personally I think it is fantastic that this young woman has determination and commitment to what she wants to achieve and believes is right.

Yes by all means present other opportunities and discuss the implications of her choices but as her mentor you should support this independent decision making rather than try to discourage it.

As far as her family brainwashing her, the values and beliefs of this family will have shaped this young womans opinion this is natural and just because it is not the same beliefs as you does not make them less valid than yours, you may not agree with them but you should respect them.

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