Thank you for your thoughts, and for helping me with this. Over the last few hours, I have almost cried once, thinking about her life since I have known her, and how hard it must have be for her to see me move about freely in her room when all she could do was smile at me. To have one bka and one uka. To be so nice about life anyway. Such a loving smile. To have to eat and drink special foods all the time. To have everyone encourage her and encourage her, how tough that must be to live day to day with wound vacs, and no control of BM's, plus constant meds and IV's. And she would always smile happy to see me, and reach out to hold my hand, and I could only stay a minute or two each time. All the rolling. She always smiled at me and thank me. How in love her husband was with her in spite of her condition. I feel so strange to care one day, and the next she is gone. All that discomfort, for such a beautiful woman as her.
She is no longer with us, and no longer in pain, and no longer able to smile with me. It still hurts me to no longer think of her as trying. Right now I feel guilty for my life, when hers was so difficult, and then to die and not get better. I want to give her any day of my life to live and move about with ease. To eat whatever she wants, dance, learn, think of the future. It not like that for PT's.
Don't feel sorry for thinking she is with God. It's okay for anyone to feel and express their feelings, and thoughts. That wonderful and brave lady will be in my heart forever.
I just feel so ashamed to take so easily for granted my own life, and how great it is, and how some PTs are having a really hard time with a body that don't work right. And despite trying really hard to live, and be brave and positive, they die anyway.
I saw my dad die; I was at his bedside holding his hand. That was 4 years ago, and it took me awhile to build "speed bumps' in my mind so as to not recall those images so quick. My mom died in her sleep unexpectly 3 years ago, while I was working off shore for 2 weeks. Like Mrs. U, Mom was fine one moment, and the next I learned she was gone. I didn't want to see. I'm not afraid to be afraid.
You have to be strong and brave to be a nurse. You may be treating someone who could be living their last days. Make everyones days pleasant ones in your presence. A nurse ensures care to sustain life, and encourage life, and restore life, and to do that you hafta put others in your life, so you can touch their life with yours, and if they die, you will experience sadness when they pass away. Please don't anyone take their own bodies for granted, and please dance a step or two and think about a great lady who mario loved who would love to dance a step or two.