Mario experiences PT death for first time

LasVegasRN · Aug 7, 2002

Mario, what you are feeling is completely normal. TO THIS DAY I remember my first patient that died back in 1985. I was in total shock as it was unexpected. I remember having this bewildered feeling all that day and the next few days afterwards. It just seemed so.... weird. She was a patient, yet, I felt a loss. It's hard to explain, but I think you know what I'm talking about.

There are just some things you take home with you in your heart.

Gator,SN · Aug 7, 2002

((((Mario,))))

I am really sorry to hear that this has happened to you, I too took it quite hard when my first patient died. She was a very sweet lady in LTC and I had her for 6 weeks while in a clinical

rotation....She was the Very First patient that I had ever touched or cared for in my life.

I believe in a life after this one, so I take comfort in the knowledge that I will see her again and she is not in any more pain.

It makes me feel good inside to know that you (and others) are so kind and caring and that you are not just doing a job but you are making a difference.

Bless you Mario......and thank you!

Gator

Jenny P · Aug 7, 2002

Mario, believe it or not, we don't leave it at work when we lose a pt. At least you weren't there for your first time of losing a favorite pt. I think we all feel that loss after getting close to a particular pt. and family; we may bring it home-- I know I vent to my hubby about it when someone I got close to dies; but it is important to look at the whole situation from the pts. side: she had so much going wrong with her (from the sounds of it) and now she is at peace (sorry but I do take comfort from the thought that there is a God and something after this life- I know you say you don't have those beliefs).

Just because it bothers you about this pt. dying, do not give up trying to touch another persons' life. It is worth the effort, and your caring for others will make a difference in thier lives and in yours. It hurts sometimes, but you will grow and learn from it.

Remember, death is just another part of life; or as one pt. once told me, we are born to die.

Peace,

Jenny

CATHYW · Aug 7, 2002

Ahh, Mario. It is a jolt for the first time, and almost every time thereafter. Occasionally, it is a blessing to see someone die, because they have suffered so much/long, and need the relief from working to live.

Working in the ER, almost every death was unexpected. You learn to accept it as a course of life, but you don't have to like it. I found the best thing you can do is exactly what you have done; you have come to talk with people that you trust. You have also remembered the good things about Mr & Mrs H, during Mrs H's struggle to live. I imagine this is exactly how she would want you to remember her. As others have said, you will never forget Mrs H. Not only was she your patient, she was your friend. There is nothing wrong with that. You do not have to erect a giant fence between you and your feelings, or apologize for having them. I think the H's were most likely fortunate to have you as one of their care providers-someone lively, and intelligent, as well as caring.

The day will come when a patient will pass away in your presence, despite everything that you have done to help them (a different thread). That will be a slightly different feeling, but still one of loss. You do not even have to know the patient to experience it. You will get used to it, but don't harden yourself to your feelings. Nurses like that are scary. Just keep being your usual caring self, and don't forget-we are here for you.

Love-A-Nurse · Aug 7, 2002

(((((mario)))))

shygirl · Aug 7, 2002

Mario, I remember my first death of a patient that I liked alot. It was very sad. I hope in time that you will remember with a smile on your face. Shygirl

adrienurse, LPN · Aug 7, 2002

This is another rite of passage as a nurse. The next part is learning to let go of patients who are welcoming death. These are the things that make you see life differently. There's nothing wrong with having this stay with you.

aus nurse · Aug 8, 2002

Yes I too remember vividly my first death...a 40 year old melanoma patient whose disease progression was very swift. This was back in 1984 and I was a student, it does stay with you.

Since then I have been privileged to be at the bedside of many dying patients, both expected and unexpected. Let me assure you I still, after nearly 20 years, take home with me many sad and glad feelings of each experience and am better for it. My sentiment has come to be that death is always going to happen and if I can make that journey even slightly better for a person and their loved ones then that is an enriching experience for both them and me. Don't get me wrong sometimes I do feel angry at the world for what seems to be such an unfair end to a life but have learnt that there is absolutely no rhyme or reason to any of it and that this is human life. I am never ashamed to cry with patients or family, we are human too. I often come home and reflect on the person who has died...I think we honour their lives in doing this. In no way is it unprofessional Mario, be at peace with yourself.

I guess I am very reflective today on this subject...yesterday I had 2 patient deaths on my shift. One was an old friend of mine and he will be sorely missed but is now out of pain. He fought such a hard battle and my gift to him and his dear wife was a very dignified death. I would not have chosen to be anywhere but with him when he died.

Mario, never lose that caring attitude, that is what nursing is all about, and I for one am a better person for it.

mother/babyRN, RN · Aug 8, 2002

You know, you just take them with you in your heart along for all the other experiences you will have. They touch you somehow, whether you want them to or not and I have always personally felt that its an insult to the person you cared for to keep your feelings in. Everyone understands how you are feeling, and it doesn't necessarily get any easier, just more expected. Take care. I always think of these people as my guardian angels. I think thats one way nurses have of rationalizing loss. We are human too, after all...

mario_ragucci · Aug 8, 2002

Thank you for your thoughts, and for helping me with this. Over the last few hours, I have almost cried once, thinking about her life since I have known her, and how hard it must have be for her to see me move about freely in her room when all she could do was smile at me. To have one bka and one uka. To be so nice about life anyway. Such a loving smile. To have to eat and drink special foods all the time. To have everyone encourage her and encourage her, how tough that must be to live day to day with wound vacs, and no control of BM's, plus constant meds and IV's. And she would always smile happy to see me, and reach out to hold my hand, and I could only stay a minute or two each time. All the rolling. She always smiled at me and thank me. How in love her husband was with her in spite of her condition. I feel so strange to care one day, and the next she is gone. All that discomfort, for such a beautiful woman as her.

She is no longer with us, and no longer in pain, and no longer able to smile with me. It still hurts me to no longer think of her as trying. Right now I feel guilty for my life, when hers was so difficult, and then to die and not get better. I want to give her any day of my life to live and move about with ease. To eat whatever she wants, dance, learn, think of the future. It not like that for PT's.

Don't feel sorry for thinking she is with God. It's okay for anyone to feel and express their feelings, and thoughts. That wonderful and brave lady will be in my heart forever.

I just feel so ashamed to take so easily for granted my own life, and how great it is, and how some PTs are having a really hard time with a body that don't work right. And despite trying really hard to live, and be brave and positive, they die anyway.

I saw my dad die; I was at his bedside holding his hand. That was 4 years ago, and it took me awhile to build "speed bumps' in my mind so as to not recall those images so quick. My mom died in her sleep unexpectly 3 years ago, while I was working off shore for 2 weeks. Like Mrs. U, Mom was fine one moment, and the next I learned she was gone. I didn't want to see. I'm not afraid to be afraid.

You have to be strong and brave to be a nurse. You may be treating someone who could be living their last days. Make everyones days pleasant ones in your presence. A nurse ensures care to sustain life, and encourage life, and restore life, and to do that you hafta put others in your life, so you can touch their life with yours, and if they die, you will experience sadness when they pass away. Please don't anyone take their own bodies for granted, and please dance a step or two and think about a great lady who mario loved who would love to dance a step or two.

shygirl · Aug 8, 2002

Oh Mario, ((((((((((HUG)))))))))

You make me cry. I'm sorry about your parents. Do you have brothers and sisters? God Bless You Mario! I will say a prayer for your friend.

Shygirl