It goes without saying that you feel frightened askater.
You're in a very vulnerable place right now. Until you have more facts at hand your feelings are going to "rule" and that sense of "powerlessness" can be overwhelming.
It's natural for us, human beings that we are, to immediately think the "worst." As Nurses, because of the field we work in, it can make it even all the more horrendous.
I've faced such "scarey" places along the way in life, and those moments were defining times for me. All of a sudden, everything I had believed as "most important", evaporated and my priorities in life became re-arranged. Instantly.
I suddenly found myself coping in new ways. My focus became more narrow.....i.e., "I have today." And I began asking myself such questions as: "What and who are ALL of the good things and people in my life TODAY?" "Who are my pillars of strength?" "Who are the people that truly love me?" "Who is in my life that will walk through this with me?" "How strong is my faith?"
It was hard to do at times, but somehow I managed to take one day at a time. As each new day came, I told myself: "I can get through anything for just this new day." I would even take a piece of paper, and make a list of: these are my questions for today, this is what I need to do for me today, - and ONLY for today, because it's what I have right now.
I don't know what other people do askater.......but it becomes an excerise in discovering things about ourselves that we never knew before. I learned that I was far more resourceful than I knew, that I had many people around me who really cared and I could depend on, that my REAL friends were the ones who loved me even when I was at my WORST. I'm the type of person who needs to TALK about what's going on inside in such scarey times. I surrounded myself with the ones I knew would not "blow me off", make light of my situation, or give me all those shallow platitudes. What helped me the most were the people who would say, "I honestly don't know how you're feeling Bonnie, but I'm here to listen, and not pass judgement."
They sat quietly while I cried, while I said a lot of what must have seemed stupid things to them, things that needed to be said, stupid or not.
I was never the kind of person to "reach out" for any kind of help. But I've learned since that it is a strong person who can run, not walk, for help in time of need.
You've done this by posting on this site. To a degree, I do understand how you are feeling. You are welcome to e-mail me privately, if you feel the need to pour out your heart in ways that help right now:
The language of the heart is powerful and healing medicine askater. I'll keep you in my prayers as this unfolds for you. God bless, and keep us informed as you are comfortable doing so.
Bonnie Creighton, RN, MHCA
Mental Health Consumer Advocate