The Humorous Nurse Speaks - page 2

by VivaLasViejas Guide

As a lifelong student of human foibles, I often find myself marveling at the number of undignified situations we blunder into on any given day. I mean, have you ever been so excited to meet a celebrity that you had to glance down... Read More


  1. 6
    There are too many stories working in LTC...There are some parts of growing old I can't wait for! Like speaking my mind about anything and everything.
    You may have had to be there. Today at work, it was busy, we were short, and we were all kind of "dead" -- you know the feeling. Just worn out.

    So it's lunch time, and there are 5 aides sitting at our feeder area when one of our LOL has an extremely bad coughing spell. The LOL sitting next to her, who NEVER talks, looks over at her and exclaims "Put your arms in the air!!" she reached over and grabbed one of her arms and held it in the air. So I have my one lady still coughing just as hard with her arms all shakin in the air, and the other one yelling that her elbows aren't straight enough so she isn't getting enough air. It was quite the sight.
    We were all in tears.
    Orange Tree, teeniebert, reagansm, and 3 others like this.
  2. 15
    One of my favorites was actually from a LTC job...pediatric/psych nurse by training and preference, so it wasn't my forte...loved my residents, just not the 30 patient med pass twice a shift, etc. But I was managing to get some charting done and a LOL with the aggressive sort of dementia was ranting and raving from her Broda chair as usual. Administration had constantly been telling us we weren't "handling" her properly and that was why she attempted to beat the crap out of anyone who displeased her. I even had to go to "remedial" training after she scratched me when I went to keep her from falling. But one of the administrators comes around, and in a sickly-sweet, too syrupy even for an infant voice says, "Good EVENING, [name], how ARE you?" In the first clear words we'd heard out of her all night, LOL replies, "Why don't you stick your thumb up your ass and twirl around on it?"

    My friend from that place and I still laugh, years after we left.
    Orange Tree, prmenrs, teeniebert, and 12 others like this.
  3. 4
    I was taking vitals on an elderly patient. Before I began taking vitals, she asks "Do you want me to take my shirt off?" I politely (trying my best not to laugh) tell her that isn't necessary. The next question: "Want me to take my bra off?"

    I nearly lost it. Sometimes I wonder how we can all contain laughter, even in the most hilarious situations. Love reading everybody's stories! Thanks for sharing!
  4. 4
    Welcome to the Southern Medical Terminology they didn't teach at my University: (I have added Southern Dialect for you above the Mason-Dixon Line.)

    Make Water(v) MAYK WAH*TUR to urinate. Ex: Since Billy Bob's getting older he has to get up many times each night to "make water", or he will make water in the bed.

    Nature- (n). NAY*CHER Ones Sexual Drive, or ability to have healthy and or usual length sexual activities whether alone or with other. Ex: John Boy doesn't know if his "nature" is decreasing because of his blood pressure medications, or his wife's night cream face mask

    .Fix'n To: (v.) FIK*SEN TOO. A Plan to Do Something; expectation of. Ex: Ma'am, I have made so much water that this foley bag is fix'n to bust! I'm fix'n to ask my doc for a help'n (RX) of "nature" medicine (Viagra/Cialis), cause those Norvasc are making my (spare you some dialect here) only good for making water.

    Crud-(n.) KRUD. A southern illness that covers everything from Flu, Colds, and Fevers, to runny noses and muscle aches. Ex: Betty Sue won't be leading women's group tonight because she has the "Crud" that's been go'n around.

    Some More:
    I've had several little southern African-American ladies tell me, "I got demons in my stomach." I didn't really want to let them out on my ward, but what's a nurse for if we can't exorcise "stomach demons."

    I learned "Flaming Balls of Hell are Gall Stones.
    Gouch-Uric Acid Gout.

    Extra funnies:
    Terminal Illness - Getting sick at the airport.
    2.Tumor - More than one.
    3.Cauterize - Made eye contact with her.
    4.Nitrates - Cheaper than day rates.
    5.Pelvis - Second cousin to Elvis.
    6.Barium - What doctors do when patients die.
    7.Dilate - To live long.
    8.Benign - What you be after you be eight.
    9.Genital - Non-Jewish person.
    10.Node - I knew it.
    11.Morbid - A higher offer than I bid.
    12.Seizure - Roman emperor.
    13.Labor Pain - Getting hurt at work.
    14.Enema - Not a friend.
    15.Tablet - A small table.
    16.Medical Staff - A Doctor's cane.
    17.Secretion - Hiding something.
    18.Hangnail - What you hang your coat on.
    19.Impotent - Distinguished, well known.
    20.Varicose - Near by/close by.
    Last edit by BostonTerrierLoverRN on Nov 12, '12 : Reason: teknikal ishews and SpeL' n
    rural_nurse, blackfire, nkochrn, and 1 other like this.
  5. 2
    I had to add, SPLART, which is pretty self explanatory. It's the result of "trapped gas," escaping with Solids, . . .well, Semi-solids
    mds1 and VivaLasViejas like this.
  6. 2
    My personnal favorite. After checking on a patient and his access site after a cardiac cath, his phone rings and as I am walking out of the room he tells the person on the phone "Ahh I'm fine, Doc said I have unstable vagina." I am glad that I was walking out of the room.

    Jonathan RN
  7. 4
    I heard a joke that was on the same line as that.

    (A elderly couple on their honeymoon) Coming out of the bathroom in her new bought nighty says, "We're going to have to go easy, my physician told me I have Acute Angina."

    Hard of hearing, the elderly groom states, "We'll that's a good thing, because those are some of the ugliest boobies I've ever seen!"
  8. 0
    These are hilarious! Love reading all of them.
  9. 8
    Once I got pulled to the psych unit, and upon admitting a guy who seemed very intelligent, and saner than me, I prepared his room, and headed back to the nurses desk to finish his admission paperwork.

    Upon noting I forgot to ask if he used any tobacco, I hit the call light button to speak with him. Mr. Xxxxx, do you use tobacco? . . .
    No Answer.

    Mr. Xxxxx, louder now, do you smoke or use other tobacco? . . .

    after a verbal sigh, he relented, . .

    "Listen close, I'm only going to say it once, No! Now you shut up, they check on me every 15 minutes, and I don't want to get caught talking to a freaking bed, ALL THE REST OF YOU HEAR ME?"

    I looked at the camera monitor to see him addressing the rest of his furniture. "Okay, good. I'd like it to stay this quiet."

    I was so glad that was the only question I had for him. I didn't have the heart to tell him it was me, especially since he looked so content he was able to quiet the questioning voices of his curious furniture. The bed never said another word, at least that I know of.
    mds1, Orange Tree, valgraves, and 5 others like this.
  10. 3
    This wasn't from work but was cute enough to share. Recently I helped chaperone a large group of 6th graders to a science museum. During the Life exibit there is a video of a newborn being circumcised. Apparently it wasn't obvious to the 11 year old boys what they were looking at initially. I heard one of them say, "Look! An outie belly button!"


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