Domestic Abuse Assessment

[opdahlamber]

I was all of 18 when I met my first husband. It was three days after 9/11 and my stepmother had just kicked me out of the house. I had no place to go. I went out with a girlfriend and met this charming, leather-clad man at the bar. I ended up drinking way too much and slept on his couch for three days while he convinced me how truly precious I was and how he just knew I was the one woman who could make him a better man.

He was very honest about how his first wife had had him jailed several times for domestic assault but he would never do something like that to me. She was evil, psychotic; she drove him to extremes of anger. I was a beautiful, sweet young girl and exactly what this 30-year-old man needed to be a true-life prince in shining armor. Of course, I should move in with him; my family was horrible, they did not love me as he could. No one would ever love me as he did. "Don't worry; I will take care of you now."

He was charming and darling for about a year. Until every member of my family had given up on seeing me again, hated me for "abandoning" them, and I had no friends left. Oh, he would yell at me, maybe cuff the back of my head; slap my face occasionally. However, I was young and did not know anything. I was always doing something wrong and he had to teach me. How else was I going to learn?

I married him. Why wouldn't I? I wanted a baby. I was not about to have another child out of wedlock (my first child died at birth when I was 15). I was going to do it right this time. I was going to do right by God so He would let me keep a baby. I wanted dozens of babies, in fact, but was willing to settle for four, maybe six.

He began beating me for no reason. He was mad I knew that John Hancock was the first president of the US, just not voted in as one. He beat me with a cell phone power cord for that. Taught me not to win at Trivial Pursuit. There were days when I could not go to work I was beaten so badly. Leave him, you say? Sure. With what money? He took my paychecks. If I tried hiding some in the tampon box, he would beat me. Where would I go? I had no family left. He had made me move hours away from my family and they all hated me for abandoning them, remember? Stay in a shelter? Sure. Let me go stay in the one safe house in the area; the one he would drive me by every time we went to town and point out to me as being the place "those women go to hide from their husbands when they get tired of being real women." Go to the hospital? I did. Listen up. NOT ONE NURSE OR DOCTOR EVER ASKED ME IF I WAS BEING ABUSED. NOT ONE. Call the police? Oh, please, don't make me laugh at the good ole' boy society you find in rural Iowa.

Eventually, I got pregnant. A little boy. Oh, I cannot explain the absolute joy... I wanted to be a mom more than anything else in the world. At 31 weeks, I was hospitalized for preterm contractions, placed on Mag Sulfate, bed rest for a few days. Got them stopped. I do not know what it is about being pregnant; but he hated me while I had that belly. He beat me almost every day. Guess how may nurses or doctors asked me while I was pregnant if I was being abused; what those marks were from? NOT ONE. At 37 weeks and three days, he hit me so hard my placenta partially abrupted. He was nice enough to take me to the ER right away.

They got the monitor on in time to see the FHR at 52 and dropping. Dropped to nothing. They knocked me out, took my baby by emergency C-section, and got vital signs back. They saved my son.

While I was out, they happened to ask my oh so wonderful husband what were our birth control plans? Did we want a tubal? That was our plans, he said. So they did it. After I woke up and they presented me with my first of at least nine children (I thought) the nurse mentioned how I (at 21, mind you) did not have to worry about hormonal birth control when breast-feeding since the tubal was done, how wonderful for me... Excuse me, what was that? I was brought paperwork from the legal department and signed them promising not to sue. The OB-GYN that had done my C-section and tubal swore to me he would do everything he could to reverse the tubal and make sure I was fertile again. Still no one asked the obvious, "What was going on here?"

I got home with our new baby. That day, my ex-husband hurt me, badly. He ruptured my uterus. The scarring from that... I would never carry another child. I had the most painful menstrual cycles. After a few years, I had a D&C and ablation. No more menses. Even less hope of having my dozen children. I never got that tubal reversed.

No one ever asked, "Do you feel safe at home?" "Has anyone ever punched, kicked, or pushed you?" "Does your partner monitor your time, or constantly accuse you of cheating?" "Are you being isolated from your family or friends?"

Eventually, after another 3 years of abuse, I grew some courage. I went back to school for nursing. I learned I was not stupid. I learned that people, even men, could talk to me and respect me without wanting to sleep with me. I learned that I deserved respect and civility and I was DONE being abused. I kicked that man out of my home. I still have to face him, every other weekend, because that is how the legal system works. He has rights to see his son. I have no rights to feel safe but that is not the focus.

Friends, here is what I want. I want you to ask every single women you see in your career those questions about domestic abuse. I beg you to make a difference. I want you to educate yourselves on the signs of domestic abuse and stand up for the women who have been beaten into submission and cannot stand up for themselves. I cannot explain to you the soul deep belief that I deserved to be treated that way. The nightmares I still have. The crushing guilt I experience for allowing this man to father my baby. My only baby. It was MY FAULT. I own that. However, how much sooner could I have gotten help if even one nurse had made a simple assessment?

Please, contact your local crisis intervention, police stations, etc. Find out the resources you can offer women. You will be shocked at how very little help there is. Statistics show less than 30% of women with traumatic injuries seen in the emergency room are assessed for domestic abuse. Studies are done that conclude it takes at least three times asking a domestic victim, alone with only a nurse asking, to admit to being abused. Domestic abuse victims are 46% more likely than non-abused women to seek medical care for illness, solely in the hope that someone, anyone, will notice them and help them. Please. Ask those few extra questions. Dedicate yourselves to be devoted to service for human welfare. Do you remember that part of the Nightingale Pledge? Hold that in your hearts.

[JoseQuinones]

I grew up in a situation like this one. I determined never to follow my parents down that road. Today I take pride in loving my wife fully, cherishing her, and treating her with the respect she deserves. In a world where so many women suffer at the hands of monstrous men, I am determined that my woman will always know she has a man who values her and where she can rest her head in an oasis of peace and love. Where I do the cooking when she works late without being asked, and the back rubs and foot rubs are free with no pressure to "pay" for them. In the three years we dated and the six years we have been married, not once have we had a fight or an argument. I think it's safe to say that nine years in, I have broken the cycle of abuse and hatred in the home I grew up in. Yes, there are always choices.

[Sabik]

I was growing up in a home where I saw all kinds of domestic violence. My biological mother suffered from the hands of my father and then my stepmother. However, when I started dating, I met a man who was showing similar pattern(abusive traits).He hit me because of a stranger asking direction from me. He accused me of flirting. I dumped him and never attempted to forgive him. I didn't care if he was abused as a child. I will not follow the same cycle.

I have brothers and I have talked to them of not hitting their wives or kids.

In 2007, I married the most sincere husband. We have two girls and he wouldn't want any men to hurt them.

[LadyFree28, BSN, LPN, RN]

I am so sorry OP that you were not in an area that was as supportive in helping decrease violence against women...that is NOT the norm; possibly regional...however, it is EXTREMELY difficult for providers to tell one to leave.

In my area, we have been taught to screen patients and family members for s/s of family violence; those questions of "do you feel safe at home?" is NOT the only question that we ask. I've been asking those questions for over ten years, as well as been asked my self for at least 15 years.

To tell you the truth, I did feel safe at home, my abuser didn't live with me.

The fact is that many women-I should say victims; male victims as well as same sex DV are SEVERELY underreported-choose to stay, even after the report of abuse had occurred. The average times that a victim will go back to the abuser is eleven-it has increased, possibly due to the financial crisis -times; and each time one goes back, it is even MORE to endure.

As a DV survivor, I got out the FIRST time; he stalked me, attacked me, threatened to shoot my family even after i was able to secure a restraining order for 3 years (the max in my area); but that took courage to serve it; he tried to duck getting the subpoena, but I pushed through even though I was afraid. I had the most support in doing it, even after he tried to kill me. He shot me seven times. I had support after that as well. After five years of my near death experience and tons of therapy, I starting for feel comfortable in my own skin.

I applaud your survival; as one survivor to another, and to whoever needs to leave: I suggest to find a therapist who specializes in DV and PTSD; I saw a trauma psychiatrist for about 18 months; which overlapped my DV group therapy (18 months), leaving 6 months of group therapy; and then I found a therapist through my DV agency that specialized in individual counseling for survivors of abuse and neglect. I have been with his therapist for about two years. You did the work of leaving; now it's time for you to allow someone professionally to help YOU heal you, as long as it takes.

Sending positive vibes on your journey and any one's journey of healing. :)

[sarahmac09]

You are an amazing, strong woman for fighting your way out. I wish you all the best in finding peace for yourself and your son. I will never forget this article and will be sure to ask these questions if I suspect something isn't quite right.

[multi10]

We should educate the next generation about the signs of an abuser. Is the person excessively jealous? Is the person so possessive as to make you uncomfortable? Does the person try to isolate you from your family and friends? Does the person call/text/email you several times a day just to ask, "Where are you? What are you doing?"

Does the person accuse you of "flirting" with your colleagues, when you are simply talking to them? Does the person try to shut down all of your hobbies that don't include him/her? (Skiing, chess, bridge, etc.) Does the person check your phone to see who called you, or someone you called?

The real problem arises when you make the decision to live under the same roof with the abuser, during the honeymoon phase when he/she is being on best and most manipulative behavior.

After that, you get a pet (dog, cat, bird) or have a child together. Then you really feel trapped because that's when they ratchet up the abuse.

My advice: The first time any potential partner exhibits any of these signs, RUN. The person does not love you. You will be hurt.

[BSNbeauty, BSN, RN]

This will be part of my assessment for now on . Thank to op for sharing your story.

[mama.RN]

Thank you OP so so much for sharing your story, I am so moved by your courage and by knowing how many people you are going to help by doing this. I have a "past life" that included the kinds of abuse that are not obvious to others, so (long before I was a nurse) when I would be asked by a nurse "do you feel safe at home?", I would say yes, or "Is anyone hurting you at home?" I would say no, and it would end there. I even started to talk about it once with a nurse once anyway, and because it didn't meet her criteria for typical physical abuse it went nowhere. Had she asked other questions like, "Is your partner jealous/possessive/controlling?", "Does your partner constantly monitor your time?", "Does your partner isolate you from your family?", "Does your partner threaten to harm your property or things/people dear to you?" , "Does your partner constantly accuse you of cheating?" "Does your partner call you names?" and things of that nature and cared about the answers, perhaps I would have gotten help sooner and not wasted many years of my life. So, although I do not work in a typical setting where DV screening questions are asked, I will begin to ask them anyway. So, thank you for reminding me of the days when I wished someone, anyone would have just asked me if I needed help. From my local domestic violence center: "Domestic violence is a pattern of abusive, controlling and violent behavior toward a partner in an intimate relationship. The behavior can take many forms from verbal abuse to threats, isolation from family and friends, intimidation, financial control, sexual or physical violence, damaging property or threatening to harm the victim's family, pets or, even, themselves. This can happen on a regular basis, or only on occasion."

[brandy1017, ASN, RN]

How sad all that you have been through. I do feel women can be too trusting of men in general and sets them up for abuse. Also it sounds like you had a troubled childhood and your original family was not the best, even though you say they felt you abandoned them, didn't you say your stepmom actually kicked you out of the house in the first place. She is at least partially responsible for putting you in a situation that left you vulnerable and in need of rescuing. Many times women who end up in abusive relationships had dysfunctional family relationships. I'm glad you were finally able to get the courage to get away from him and be safe. However how safe is your son when he is in the custody of your ex. That sounds like a dangerous situation!

Domestic violence assessment is part of the admission process for every patient at our hospital. I think this is a national requirement now, but I can't speak of the past. Would you have admitted the abuse if they had asked you? It's odd that they were not suspicious of abuse given your injuries, but hopefully things have improved nowadays.

I wish you well. I'm sure you're a great advocate for domestic abuse victims. I'm glad you got away from him for your sake and especially for your child's, but how do you keep your child safe when he goes off with his abusive father?

[Elvish, BSN, DNP, RN, NP]

Thank you for this story, OP. I used to work in a community health center and dealt with so so so many women who'd faced DV. I commend you for your courage.

I think, though, that as much as we teach women that they don't deserve it, Patrick Stewart (of Star Trek fame) is right: we should be teaching men from the time they are boys that this is not an acceptable way to treat women. Ultimately the man chooses how to respond, and it should never ever be with abuse of any sort.

[Esme12, ASN, BSN, RN]

Firstly, I want to thank you all for sharing your very moving stories. It takes a lot of courage to tell these stories, and took a lot of courage for you to escape such dangerous situations. Nobody should suffer at the hands of someone who is supposed to love them, and I am sorry you did. It's a terrible aspect of our society that violence in the home is still considered acceptable to a degree.

Secondly, I would like to remind everyone else that this is not a gender specific or hetero-specific danger. Women can be perpetrators as well, whether in gay or straight relationships. Men can also be victims, in both gay and straight relationships. In all my years of volunteering with a local crisis line, I had exactly one man call needing help escaping domestic violence. That doesn't mean there weren't more - domestic violence against men is dreadfully under-reported because of the widespread belief that "real men" can't be victims. So please nurses, assess EVERYBODY for domestic safety if you have suspicions.

This^ This^ This^ ABSOLUTELY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! But don't just ask if you have anything suspicious just ask everyone!!!

[nuzzre]

My goodness, SO VERY VERY important for everyone to think about and remember. Thank you for sharing this with us!

[rubyagnes, BSN]

This is a heartbreaking and all too frequent story. It is so incredibly brave and strong of you to leave this situation, as many people stay in an abusive situation for much longer. Despite legality and visitation rights, I truly hope your son is safe visiting his "father." I use the word father in quotations because I doubt he deserves the honor of the title.