Cry for help: I don't think I can do this.

[-MissTake-]

Let me put this into context. Maybe this belongs in the general student discussion because I am a BSN student approaching my final semester of nursing school, but I'm seeking out perspective from individuals who are already working in the field and have experience.

I don't think I can do this.

I don't know what I am supposed to do.

I alternately feel like the biggest jerk and the biggest failure on the face of the earth - dramatic I know, but really. I'm a great student! I have fabulous grades, I'm always on time at the hospital, I -care- about the people I take care of during my clinical hours and I treat them with compassion and dignity, I'm not -glaringly- incompetent and I usually get along well with the staff.

And I hate, hate, HATE every single minute of it. In fact, I fantasize every day about blowing off my last three months and not even finishing my degree. I already have one 4 year degree in the burn pile - what's one more!? This is the big failure/big jerk part: I know there are so many people who try and fail at even becoming nurses in the first place, or they work and they scrape and they struggle because it doesn't come easily. I'm not having that problem. So what's the big deal?

I cry, almost every single day, at least every week, I cry and I cry. I cry when I come home. I cry when I try to sleep and I can't. I cry when I think about having to go back to the hospital. I cry when I think about the impenetrably disapproving look on my clinical instructor's face as I weigh whether or not I should even ask her the question brewing in my head, or the next time an honest entreaty for help gets shot down with "you ought to know this already." I cry when I think about getting my license, I cry when I think about getting a job. I feel so miserable and I ask myself every day why I did this to myself.

Oh. And my blood pressure? Hello clinical hypertension! It was perfectly fine before nursing school. Yeah, I've done the stressful college dance before: driving all over the darn place, transcribing interview tapes 40 hours a week, 15+ hours of class, finishing my undergrad thesis - I was running ragged, sleeping

I see the cutthroat and hostile unit cultures, burnt out, overwhelmed nurses cutting corners, I've been laughed at for following orders, yelled at by angry unit managers for doing what I was told to do, I feel like I have absolutely no idea what the HECK I am doing and I think to myself, oh my goodness, if my first job is anything like this, I'm going to end up killing someone and losing my license.

I'm amazed at the minimal authority nurses seem to wield over of their own work environment and their status as first sacrificial lamb up for the slaughter from a legal perspective if something goes awry. I don't see how new nurses ever make the cut as most of them appear to lack support. I have heard so many horror stories from experienced nurses who were humble and transparent enough to be honest with me about what they encountered when they first entered into the field. Obviously they went on to overcome the difficulties they faced, but...

... holy crap! Is this field as terrible as I think it is? How does anyone ever manage to do this? Do the chest-rending anxiety and terror eventually go away, do things begin to fall into place one you get out of school, get your license and find a job - you know, when you have to slog through all the things you've come to hate for even more hours every week - or am I going to be Googling "I hate nursing", "non-nursing jobs with BSN degree" and "getting out of nursing" until 3am every night through all of it?

I know that no one can answer these questions for me - they are, in essence, rhetorical. But I wonder - is what I'm experiencing normal? Am I going to pieces for no reason, or am I just not cut out to do this?

I've worked with the disenfranchised, people in crisis; heavy, taxing mental and emotional work. But this is a new kind. I don't really mind how I feel when I am taking care of patients. It's the way I feel when I'm away from all that. I feel such a profound sense of pressure, especially from instructors giving us their "pearls of wisdom" - what I'm hearing is that we're all going to screw up, we're all in immediate danger at all times of losing our licenses, and we all HAVE to work at hospitals on adult med-surg floors if we ever want to have job options or a suitably diverse skill set no matter how ill-suited or opposed we are to so doing. Reality? Myth?

Do I suck it up, shut it down, or just find a way to work with it? I think I'd love to work in community health as I have some experience working with mums utilizing public health initiative services and I served as a an assistant community resource advisor to financially disadvantaged families. I love providing education, I enjoy working with people individually, conducting research and developing solutions, but I feel like the fast-paced and hospital-based acute care model is being crammed down my throat every hour of every day and I'm drowning in it.

... is that all nursing is? That's how I feel right now. And every time I think about how much I don't like where I am right now, I try to tell myself that it will get better, I imagine the faces of everyone who has supported me and made it possible for me to finish this degree, I think about all the time, the effort, the money, the difficulties, and the total lack of realistic job prospects I'll face if I fail to deliver. Fear. Guilt. Faint, faint glimmer of hope.

Short story: it does -not- make me feel better.

The best part is not knowing which to worry about most: finishing my (second) degree and not being able to find a job, or being super successful in finding a soul-crushing job that I hate with every fiber of my being.

Thanks for reading my totally long and whiny (yet much needed and cathartic!) post that is probably posted in the wrong forum,

MissTake

(P.S. "quit complaining", "u should b so greatful (can't you spell?) to even b in nursing school!!!!!", "DIDN'T YOU KNOW NURSING IS HARD WORK??", etc., need not apply; I'm not stupid, I'm just really upset, I feel like there's no one to talk to and I don't need any more negativity - thanks!)

[Tinabeanrn]

Hi Misstake. First of all I have to say you made me crack up laughing at your user name~ Hilarious! You have a good sense of humor for sure and I am glad to see that even in nursing school you see nursing for what it is. I agree with some of the other posters, you CERTAINLY don't have to do med surg to be a nurse. I think going through all the regamarole and endless mind games of nursing school gives you enough exposure to that. Med/surg is not for everyone. You have come this far, you can do this! No doubt, I think you are overwhelmed, and not because you are incompetent. But because , for whatever reason, nurses feel they have to eat their young. Nurses can be some of the meanest, nastiest , inconsiderate, uncaring people on the face of the earth. It is what it is. I didn't realize this until after I graduated though. I cried on the way to work and I cried on the way home, heck I even cried RECEIVING report sometimes because I knew my night was going to completely suck. So I get where you are coming from.

My advise is it doesn't get any better. I LOVE being a nurse even though it is hard work and I would rather be homeless than to be disrespected and mistreated. But in my heart, I believe I was born to do it. Im not sure that is how you feel given your post, but you can do it and I guarantee you that you CAN find something you love to do in nursing. It wont be med/surg so you can put that in the burn pile :), lol. Just stick it out. Maybe go see your PCP and ask for something to help settle your nerves...because you are really excited and emotional. I feel you though. I can remember driving home from nursing school crying my eyes out, thinking I am never freaking going back. After literally being cursed out for not remembering to aspirate prior to giving my first IM injection. I mean I was cursed out, and I dont curse so that hurt even worse. But I always teach my kids "You dont quit" so I figured I had to live by my own words. I stuck it out, made it through by the grace and mercy of God. And now I am a NP and I couldnt be happier!

At the end of the day its not as big of a deal as they make it out to be in school. You will probably never know anyone personally that loses their license. Its extremely rare. ALL nurses feel clueless when they get out of nursing school no matter how much they try to fake like they know everything. Believe me. You really do learn as you go. You will grow thick skin. Believe me, I did. I dont sweat the small stuff anymore and EVERYTHING is small stuff (mostly)! You can do it you can do it! Now change your name to ICANDOIT! and get er done! Best luck, prays sent :)

[megank5183]

Whoa there, girl!! Take a breath and relax. It is just a job....forget that 'it's a calling' and all that BS. Forget the guilt and the pressure and the feeling that we are all supposed to LOVE nursing simply because we help people. At the end of the day, it is a job just like engineering, accounting or custodial work. It should be taken seriously, but not this seriously. People get too wrapped up in the politics of nursing. Just do your best and leave it at the hospital when you walk out the door. You are dramatizing everything and you haven't even started to work yet. This feeling of impending doom may have more to do with you then the job. Also....so many posters (especially students) always feel that they are going to make a mistake and lose their license. This rarely, if ever, happens. Most licenses are lost due to drug diversion. Relax, have a glass of wine, and make an appointment with a therapist. Best of luck!

[Nurse ABC]

Finish your degree. Quit googling "hate nursing" forums. You CAN get through this and it WILL get better. The great thing about nursing is that if you truly hate an area you're in you can always find another! You can always become a nurse educator, diabetic educator, lactation consultant, etc with your love of teaching. There's no reason you can't work in public health. Not all hospitals require med-surg experience first anymore. You're first job you probably will feel over-whelmed but that's normal and it does get easier. I think you should plan a vacation once you're done with school to rejuvenate. Don't over-think it. Yes, it's a hard profession but also very rewarding. Don't give up!!

[NCmcMan]

Honey, you just need to relax a bit. It's all going to work out ok. Your just overwhelmed rite now. Everything will work out. Better times ahead. I promise.

[grandpaj]

First, get the heck away from whatever facility your clinical rotations are in. Not all hospitals and coworkers are like that. Sure, you'll have nasty, burnt-out people everywhere you go. The challenge is to find a unit with a lot of supportive, helpful people. My preceptor put that into perspective for me when she told me something along the lines of: "I'm not just training you to be a good nurse; I'm training you to be someone we all enjoy working with. We work as a team and all depend on each other for success."

Unlike you, I was really excited to finish up school and start my first nursing job, despite most of my clinical experiences being lackluster at best. I'm a second-degree nurse as well. Nursing school is VERY different from my liberal arts degree. Not better or worse, just different. It was an adjustment.

I've been out of school a year now and am just starting to think "hey, maybe I can do this after all!" From the time I began orienting until just recently, I was terrified to go to work. The thought of having to walk through the doors of the hospital made me feel exhausted and nauseous. I worried constantly about losing my license because I had too many acutely ill patients to care for every shift. I contemplated going to another hospital, another specialty - anything to get me the hell out of dodge. Then I started to become more confident in my abilities, better at connecting with and educating my patients, and better at time management. I also realized I have to stop comparing myself to my peers. Sure, my friend from school is working on a cardiac telemetry unit with all kinds of specialized knowledge and experiences, but my own knowledge and experience in another specialty is equally as valuable. I've got a lot of room for improvement, but when I think back upon how I was feeling about nursing a year or even six months ago, the difference is astounding.

Hang in there. It DOES get better. Relax, do what it takes to finish school. By now you've likely got the basics down, so put whatever effort it takes in to get the grades you need to get to graduate. Don't slack, but take time for yourself in whatever capacity possible. I worked full time throughout nursing school, which didn't leave much time for relaxation, and I remember well how overwhelming the stress was at times. So do what you can to alleviate that right now. When you get a job, LEAVE WORK AT WORK! I spent way too much time fretting over what I didn't know versus what my new grad colleagues didn't know, etc. Ask questions and don't let more experienced nurses feel bad for asking questions - they were certainly in your position once. A nurse who doesn't ask questions is one who is unsafe in clinical practice.

Good luck to you! I would suggest you look into specialties beyond med-surg when you're job-seeking. I found my niche in oncology. It's rough sometimes, but I don't think I would trade it for anything else.

[Marshall1]

You don't say what your other degree is in..maybe I missed it..but, my recommendation, since you are so close to finishing is finish, take the boards then go from there. You ARE under a lot of pressure right now - everything you do/don't do IS being evaluated by the instructors - as it should be and some instructors (I think everyone on here has had at least one) do make everyone think they are on the brink of failure all the time. TRUST ME, after you graduate instructors like this become a distance memory. I can't even recall the name of the one that made us all think we were bottom feeders of nursing students.

Take one day at a time, focus, right now, on just finishing. In the end it will all work out. It really will.

[twinmommy+2, ADN, BSN, MSN]

Perhaps this is not what you wanted to hear, but the common thread here is you, not nursing. You got one degree, not sure why you didn't want to work with that one but you quit that and started nursing, and now you are nervous about that one as well. I can understand totally why one would feel nervous but realisically can you afford to just chuck two degrees in the trash and pay them off at the same time? Unless your independantly wealthy and then well do what you want to. I think you may need some help to figure out your anxiety.

Like the others have said, don't quit, and get some help for yourself.

[bratmobile]

It's ok. You will like it once you get past the awkward phase of being a student. And there are a lot of biotches out there that's true but ur new best friends are out there too ..give it a try for a bit,, and see what happens. Being a nursing student is completely different than being a nurse . ..

[Auntie dearest]

To ease your mind- I've been an LPN for 8 yrs and they tried to scare the crap out of us in school too. It's their job- don't take it to heart. With your degree & the previous experience you'll find your place- you DON'T have to work in the hospital setting only. Good luck & have faith- you WILL make a difference in lives.

[sneeds]

I totally agree with maybelaterRN. I couldn't have posted a better post. To add my couple cents, when you get to that place after 6 mos or more when you start to feel safe with your peers, even after not being perfect (like nursing school teaches that you should be! - big mistake for personalities that feel that we have to and the Rules are Rules or you're out), you start to feel empowered. Your fear and concern will make you the best kind of nurse. Here's a glimmer of good stuff though from just one of many experiences I've had this month: taking care of the 89 y/o lady who is soooo sweet yet disoriented x 2 as you take time out of all the crazy to help her eat her lunch. Yes, I had so much due within the next 45 mins. But I took time out - just 5 minutes to help her eat her soft diet of soup and pudding. She was so funny! So spirited, talking how good that puddin was. She brought a tear to my eye as I was thinking of how I would like my family members to be treated as well as myself when I get to that time in life. She didn't know it, but she reminded me of how lucky I was to be there to help her and how much life is worth. That's why I walk through the fire of the craziness at least this year. :)

Furthermore, you will find, through this craziness that your colleagues will help you. You need to ASK! You cover yourself this way and also dismiss any negative attitude. You go home knowing you got through it with your patient's safe. Don't feel like you have to be perfect. You will make forget things, you will make mistakes especially when you don't know what you don't know. Just ask questions till others are blue in the face! Be assertive you will be OK.

Now, that's not to say that our environments in which we work in is acceptable! You only have to look up my rants to see that I and many others feel the same way you do. I don't know how long Ill be at bedside. It's very tough and hard on my mind and body. But I'm placing it in God's hands and doing the best I can everyday with a smile.

You're not alone.

[NurseDirtyBird]

Nursing school is nothing like nursing. Yes, you're performing some of the same tasks and learning the skills, but there's so much difference between what happens in school and what happens in real life. So right now, you don't hate nursing, you hate nursing school. Which will be over soon.

I never met a nurse who liked nursing school.

Also, it was in nursing school where I realized I didn't like acute care. Working in a hospital was not my thing for sure, still isn't, don't wanna do it. So I found somewhere else to go. So can you. I suggest sticking it out.

[wish_me_luck, BSN, RN]

I personally found that when I was in Med Surg I and II and had the clinical instructor constantly with me, I didn't like it. But, when I did my practicum and I was a little more on my own, I liked it. I had a preceptor but they gave me "breathing room". I felt like I had that moment to gather my thoughts rather than someone grilling me about this and that.