Cry for help: I don't think I can do this.

[-MissTake-]

Let me put this into context. Maybe this belongs in the general student discussion because I am a BSN student approaching my final semester of nursing school, but I'm seeking out perspective from individuals who are already working in the field and have experience.

I don't think I can do this.

I don't know what I am supposed to do.

I alternately feel like the biggest jerk and the biggest failure on the face of the earth - dramatic I know, but really. I'm a great student! I have fabulous grades, I'm always on time at the hospital, I -care- about the people I take care of during my clinical hours and I treat them with compassion and dignity, I'm not -glaringly- incompetent and I usually get along well with the staff.

And I hate, hate, HATE every single minute of it. In fact, I fantasize every day about blowing off my last three months and not even finishing my degree. I already have one 4 year degree in the burn pile - what's one more!? This is the big failure/big jerk part: I know there are so many people who try and fail at even becoming nurses in the first place, or they work and they scrape and they struggle because it doesn't come easily. I'm not having that problem. So what's the big deal?

I cry, almost every single day, at least every week, I cry and I cry. I cry when I come home. I cry when I try to sleep and I can't. I cry when I think about having to go back to the hospital. I cry when I think about the impenetrably disapproving look on my clinical instructor's face as I weigh whether or not I should even ask her the question brewing in my head, or the next time an honest entreaty for help gets shot down with "you ought to know this already." I cry when I think about getting my license, I cry when I think about getting a job. I feel so miserable and I ask myself every day why I did this to myself.

Oh. And my blood pressure? Hello clinical hypertension! It was perfectly fine before nursing school. Yeah, I've done the stressful college dance before: driving all over the darn place, transcribing interview tapes 40 hours a week, 15+ hours of class, finishing my undergrad thesis - I was running ragged, sleeping

I see the cutthroat and hostile unit cultures, burnt out, overwhelmed nurses cutting corners, I've been laughed at for following orders, yelled at by angry unit managers for doing what I was told to do, I feel like I have absolutely no idea what the HECK I am doing and I think to myself, oh my goodness, if my first job is anything like this, I'm going to end up killing someone and losing my license.

I'm amazed at the minimal authority nurses seem to wield over of their own work environment and their status as first sacrificial lamb up for the slaughter from a legal perspective if something goes awry. I don't see how new nurses ever make the cut as most of them appear to lack support. I have heard so many horror stories from experienced nurses who were humble and transparent enough to be honest with me about what they encountered when they first entered into the field. Obviously they went on to overcome the difficulties they faced, but...

... holy crap! Is this field as terrible as I think it is? How does anyone ever manage to do this? Do the chest-rending anxiety and terror eventually go away, do things begin to fall into place one you get out of school, get your license and find a job - you know, when you have to slog through all the things you've come to hate for even more hours every week - or am I going to be Googling "I hate nursing", "non-nursing jobs with BSN degree" and "getting out of nursing" until 3am every night through all of it?

I know that no one can answer these questions for me - they are, in essence, rhetorical. But I wonder - is what I'm experiencing normal? Am I going to pieces for no reason, or am I just not cut out to do this?

I've worked with the disenfranchised, people in crisis; heavy, taxing mental and emotional work. But this is a new kind. I don't really mind how I feel when I am taking care of patients. It's the way I feel when I'm away from all that. I feel such a profound sense of pressure, especially from instructors giving us their "pearls of wisdom" - what I'm hearing is that we're all going to screw up, we're all in immediate danger at all times of losing our licenses, and we all HAVE to work at hospitals on adult med-surg floors if we ever want to have job options or a suitably diverse skill set no matter how ill-suited or opposed we are to so doing. Reality? Myth?

Do I suck it up, shut it down, or just find a way to work with it? I think I'd love to work in community health as I have some experience working with mums utilizing public health initiative services and I served as a an assistant community resource advisor to financially disadvantaged families. I love providing education, I enjoy working with people individually, conducting research and developing solutions, but I feel like the fast-paced and hospital-based acute care model is being crammed down my throat every hour of every day and I'm drowning in it.

... is that all nursing is? That's how I feel right now. And every time I think about how much I don't like where I am right now, I try to tell myself that it will get better, I imagine the faces of everyone who has supported me and made it possible for me to finish this degree, I think about all the time, the effort, the money, the difficulties, and the total lack of realistic job prospects I'll face if I fail to deliver. Fear. Guilt. Faint, faint glimmer of hope.

Short story: it does -not- make me feel better.

The best part is not knowing which to worry about most: finishing my (second) degree and not being able to find a job, or being super successful in finding a soul-crushing job that I hate with every fiber of my being.

Thanks for reading my totally long and whiny (yet much needed and cathartic!) post that is probably posted in the wrong forum,

MissTake

(P.S. "quit complaining", "u should b so greatful (can't you spell?) to even b in nursing school!!!!!", "DIDN'T YOU KNOW NURSING IS HARD WORK??", etc., need not apply; I'm not stupid, I'm just really upset, I feel like there's no one to talk to and I don't need any more negativity - thanks!)

[lemmyg]

Hey,

hang in there. Every nurse I know says it changes a lot once you are working and not a student. There are also lots of areas which you can work in if acute care or med/surg is not for you, even if the hospital is where you don't want to be. Get your degree!! you have worked hard for it.

Also I think you should talk with someone. There may be some counselling your school offers or even see your GP. Sometimes life events can lead to anxiety and even clinical depression and your description of crying all the time sounds like you may want to get some help or support right now.

Best of luck xo

[ricksy]

Uh, it could have been me who posted this...oh! I read the first few posts and when I read one that says it gets better..I quit reading. I am 52 years old and second career also. I have a degree in finance and worked at my last job for nearly 20 years. Quit to go to nursing school. Graduated in Dec. 2012 and at my first job for two months. I, too was a great student, liked by my peers, preceptor, and by the hospital staff when I was a student. I hated clinicals and hated the hospital environment, but never told anyone. Uh, way too late to back out now. Everyone is so proud of me. I don't tell them that the nurses where I work eat their young....are snotty, and I struggle with going to work. My problem is the ones who cut corners, yet call me out on things....I have caught them doing so many down right WRONG things, yet they call me out for not knowing something...big joke. I work LTC now, LOVE MY RESIDENts, BUT HATE THE PEOPLE RUNNING THE ZOO! What will I do....work hard, do things right, and hang in there. Good Luck to you.....hope you find your way!

[anotherone, BSN, RN]

I hated that I chose to major in nursing many times while in school. I didn't want to waste any more time/money and change so I stuck with it. Then I couldn't find a job and had to move for a floor nursing position. Yes, I cried a lot , it was very very stressful. The first 6 months were awful. School/clinicals have absolutely no comparison, I would feel so nauseous all the time and anxious. I could barely eat. But I had to get over it fast. Eventually, I adapted. Most situations became routine, I learned what to expect. I still worry sometimes and I STILL get overwhelmed sometimes, so do the 20 year veterans. Honestly, I just learned to live with it. I never cared about working holidays or weekends or missing birthday parties etc. I look at all the things I can buy with the money I make and the days I have off a week and that is enough for me to keep sucking it up. When the misery outweighs the money I make or the days off, I will consider looking for another job.

[-MissTake-]

I really appreciate everyone who's taken the time to reply... knowing that other people have "been there, done that" and survived to tell the tale makes me hopeful. :)

[swiss_miss]

I would love to know your tactics on handling a new nurse manager that has pushed disciplinary action against you for "bullying" peers! All of my evaluations and feedback have been nothing but positive, and I feel pretty confident in my practice (though there is definitely a lot I still need to learn). This manager though has totally disrupted my inner chi and I feel so inadequate in every way, especially with my communication - which is pathetic! And I do not like this feeling. What advice could you give me?!

[lmreed13]

Hello,

I have not read the 52 other posts associated with your so I appologize if I repeat anything.

I just want to tell you that you are right, nursing school sucks, the way people (patients/nurses/instructors) treat you sucks, the feeling of anxiety all the time sucks. It also sounds like you have a complete lack of support.

I just graduated in at the beginning of this month and can relate to everything you have said. I have been offered and accepted a position as an OR nurse, straight out of school, into the specialty that I could only dream of. SO that whole "you need at least 2 years med-surge blah blah" is a bunch of nonsense. It mostly sounds like you need to step back and find what it is that you are passionate about, then go for it. You need to remember that this is your life, and your career.

I would also reccomend doing some volunteer work, i know you dont have time, but im talking like 4hrs a week in the area you think you may be interested in to see if there is something that will "light your fire"

Keep your head up :)

[carolinapooh, BSN, RN]

I LOVED being a nurse. I thrived where I could make independent decisions....be responsible independently. There were still times things just weren't "gelling" and I would wonder what the heck possessed me into thinking I could do this job....I was going to transfer to food services or be a vet because at least I could kennel those who didn't behave...muzzle those who bit...and at least a dog growled before it attacked.

HA! This made me LOL. :)

I'm an ex-military working dog handler.

(They don't always growl before they bite. :) I have a scar on my hand to prove it. LOL - sucker didn't like I was taking his ball away during training and WHAMMO - nailed the crap out of me. Never saw it coming. Not once.)

[gypsyd8]

So much on this thread I do not know if I have anything to add. I feel for you so I will try. I got into this profession because my mother kept bugging me to be a nurse (she had wanted to but was discouraged by her mother who was...a nurse). I noted that in two years with no student loan debt I could make $80k a year and support my family. Halfway through nursing school I noticed that most of my peers were low-rent housewives who needed extra cash to get their artificial nails filled and support their hair salon habit. They were also mean, sophomoric, narrow minded plebeians with no appreciation for the arts or culture and the scientific comprehension of llamas. I hated them, and the equally myopic instructors who were just there so they could earn money to upgrade/renovate their homes.

I had suddendly found myself in the working class, and had to muddle through. In the meantime...someone I thought was a total ***** became the best friend I ever had, I realized that caring for these people was an incredible privilege, and those nitwits that I had to call my peers actually had very interesting ideas and something to contribute. I had terrible clinical rotations that taught me nothing except that experienced nurses were the bottom of the proverbial barrel.

Then I graduated. By that time a group of us had formed a tight circle of friends and we all took NCLEX on the same day. The solidly B student with more life experience and actual experience working as a nurse came out last, found us A students crying because we thought we failed. She looked at us and was like, "calm down we all passed. Its not that big of a deal."

Then I quit my job as a NA to work as an RN. I cannot count the amount of crying and raging I did during those years. After two years I thought I knew everything. Then I discovered cruel way life forces one to be humble when one gets a little cocky. I the meantime I figured something out- I *expletive* love this job. I love my co-workers (even the ones that get on my last nerve-just takes a while to get to know the other side of a person). I love my patients. I love what I do. I loved it so much I went back to school to get my BSN (now with debt!) and had the same feelings I did the first time all over again.

After realizing that my colleagues were truely gifted, intelligent individuals who wanted to improve themselves so they could better care for their patients I started looking at the broken system that puts us through this cycle. I wanted to improve the system. So I went back for my MSN, and the cycle started again.

This is just my experience, you are a different person. I have been there, though. The depths of despair as you wonder why you are putting yourself through this. You know why. You will realize it, and forget it, and realize it again later on. Nursing is this insane journey and we all have the nursing drama. It is because we actually care that we get so upset about it.

I don't think it sounds like you need therapy (although you may-but not based on this). I just think you are going through what we all go through. Gather the people around you that will support you through this, (preferably your colleagues-fellow students with whom you connect) and get this *expletive* thing. It never gets better, just more rewarding.

Maybe you will be the one to change the system.

[gypsyd8]

I would love to know your tactics on handling a new nurse manager that has pushed disciplinary action against you for "bullying" peers! All of my evaluations and feedback have been nothing but positive, and I feel pretty confident in my practice (though there is definitely a lot I still need to learn). This manager though has totally disrupted my inner chi and I feel so inadequate in every way, especially with my communication - which is pathetic! And I do not like this feeling. What advice could you give me?!

Leave. Now. start looking for another job and as soon as you get an offer give your notice. Been through this. Get out while you can.

[Darlapsychrn]

I just had to reply to your "cry for help". As a relative "new RN" with 2 years of experience in psych nursing, I fully relate to all you shared. During my first two years practicing psych nursing, I readily shared with co-workers that I was starting to doubt if nursing was for me (my past 30 years has been in dentistry-dental hygiene). I was thinking that I didn't feel like a nurse, didn't have the nursing personality that I saw in others. I have gone through some of the same sabotaging, undermining, disrespectful treatment you described. Yet now in another facility working per diem, I've started to make the transition to feeling like I can and am actually providing quality nursing care. On the last shift worked I felt I did a good assessment by asking the patient the right questions to identify the cause of her problem. That left me feeling more confident and self-empowered. But to get back to your situation. I would encourage a lot of soul-searching and self-reflection. You need to be comfortable/happy/satisfied with your choice. Anything else, of course, is misery! Nursing is a difficult field. I came from dental hygiene which I think of as "kinder, gentler," without the "eating their young" mentality. I have the utmost respect for those who make nursing what they've dreamed of. Nurses are awesome people to do what they do! But it takes courage, THICK skin, and a whole lot more!!! I wish you all the BEST in deciding your future. I'd encourage you to not feel bad if nursing is not a good fit. Personally, I always allow myself room to back up and go in another direction. I don't worry about what others think because it's my life!

Wish you the very best!

[carolinapooh, BSN, RN]

I really appreciate everyone who's taken the time to reply... knowing that other people have "been there, done that" and survived to tell the tale makes me hopeful. :)

I think this describes ALL of us with 'nurse' in our title. You're among some brilliant, talented, and experienced company here; I see it all the time on this board. All of them - from the young'uns to the sages (GrnTea, esme, I'm looking at you!!!) - express doubt, fear, anger, concern, and sometimes a sense of being overwhelmed. I've been on these boards since 2005, right after my dad died and I'd made the decision to go to nursing school. So many of them were here, with open arms, kind words, and occasionally a verbal slap on the hand, and all appreciated.

We've all been there. At some point. And you're okay and no matter what happens or what you decide, you'll still be okay. Things have a strange, almost creepy way of working out in the end.

[Esme12, ASN, BSN, RN]

So much on this thread I do not know if I have anything to add. I feel for you so I will try. I got into this profession because my mother kept bugging me to be a nurse (she had wanted to but was discouraged by her mother who was...a nurse). I noted that in two years with no student loan debt I could make $80k a year and support my family. Halfway through nursing school I noticed that most of my peers were low-rent housewives who needed extra cash to get their artificial nails filled and support their hair salon habit. They were also mean, sophomoric, narrow minded plebeians with no appreciation for the arts or culture and the scientific comprehension of llamas. I hated them, and the equally myopic instructors who were just there so they could earn money to upgrade/renovate their homes.

I had suddendly found myself in the working class, and had to muddle through. In the meantime...someone I thought was a total ***** became the best friend I ever had, I realized that caring for these people was an incredible privilege, and those nitwits that I had to call my peers actually had very interesting ideas and something to contribute. I had terrible clinical rotations that taught me nothing except that experienced nurses were the bottom of the proverbial barrel.

Then I graduated. By that time a group of us had formed a tight circle of friends and we all took NCLEX on the same day. The solidly B student with more life experience and actual experience working as a nurse came out last, found us A students crying because we thought we failed. She looked at us and was like, "calm down we all passed. Its not that big of a deal."

Then I quit my job as a NA to work as an RN. I cannot count the amount of crying and raging I did during those years. After two years I thought I knew everything. Then I discovered cruel way life forces one to be humble when one gets a little cocky. I the meantime I figured something out- I *expletive* love this job. I love my co-workers (even the ones that get on my last nerve-just takes a while to get to know the other side of a person). I love my patients. I love what I do. I loved it so much I went back to school to get my BSN (now with debt!) and had the same feelings I did the first time all over again.

After realizing that my colleagues were truely gifted, intelligent individuals who wanted to improve themselves so they could better care for their patients I started looking at the broken system that puts us through this cycle. I wanted to improve the system. So I went back for my MSN, and the cycle started again.

This is just my experience, you are a different person. I have been there, though. The depths of despair as you wonder why you are putting yourself through this. You know why. You will realize it, and forget it, and realize it again later on. Nursing is this insane journey and we all have the nursing drama. It is because we actually care that we get so upset about it.

I don't think it sounds like you need therapy (although you may-but not based on this). I just think you are going through what we all go through. Gather the people around you that will support you through this, (preferably your colleagues-fellow students with whom you connect) and get this *expletive* thing. It never gets better, just more rewarding.

Maybe you will be the one to change the system.

Quite the journey....well said....