Sad story of an ex-new grad nurse

Nurses New Nurse

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Last week I removed myself from patient care mid-shift because I felt I was not safe. I had just come off of 5 weeks of precepted orientation as a new grad on a very busy med/surge floor that is the melting pot for all levels of acuity patients. Some easy, some very complicated with issues and problems I have never seen. Many total cares, c diff, tubes and drains and different dr. preferences that aren't written anywhere. Precepting went well for the first two weeks, as my preceptor was always there. Then, staffing got short and I was paired with the charge nurse who took the opportunity to just turn her patients over to me so she could charge (no free charges and they have a ton of work to do along with patients.) I was operating on my own, she was available for questions at first, but increasingly to busy to help much. I got along pretty well. After a long night of caring for a pedi patient during my 3rd week of orientation (which I am not trained for) I got a call from management the next day that there was a "patient complaint" from the parent. Essentially they felt I had not provided adequate attention, though they never said anything during the shift (and were actually quite nice), to me,,,, and my preceptor never checked on them. I got a verbal warning my 3rd week in orientation due to the influence of the HCAPS ratings and pretty much told that if I had been a real nurse, I would have been fired. That really affected me because if anything else, my patients had all loved me. but I was determined to shake it off.

Flash back to my final semester of nursing school/NCLEX, my husband of 25 years informed me he had been having an affair and wasn't sure "what he wanted" as I was starting my new job. He has since treated me with coldness, callousness and resentment on a nightly basis. He says he is "deciding" if we should stay married. All this is increasingly stressing me out as time goes on. He acts all happy and himself when the kids are home, but as soon as they are gone its' back to "my feelings haven't changed", he barely speaks to me much less shows any caring ing or affection at all. It has been a real roller coaster, and his actions of late have all indicated that the affair has resumed. My anxiety has increased to the point where I have panic attacks, have lost 25 pounds in 4 months, feel sick all the time and can't sleep. But i was determined to press on.

So after my 5 weeks orientation (15 shifts), I am on my own trying to focus on detail, safety and learning with new patients daily with things I don't know about or how to treat safely without asking. But all the other nurses are too busy to help and I am messing up, running behind, being berated for being too slow because I can't think. And I am told a new admission for me is on the floor when I haven't even come close to finishing my med (forget about thorough assessments) On top of it all, they decided to wax the floors in my hall and I slipped and fell entering a patient's room. I started the shift hyperventilating, but felt i could handle my load. One patient was total care, mute, immobilized, on ISO and had multiple PEG drugs into a PEG tube I had never seen before. I needed help, but no one could help me d/t their loads. I had a full blown mental breakdown, and as I hovered over this patient about to administer drugs that I could barely read, didn't know about nor how to do it correctly, I stepped away. I was not safe. I informed the house supervisor I was unsafe to continue patient care. I could tell they were pissed, and knew that with my verbal warning would be enough for them to reasonably discharge a probationary employee. I was in fear of losing my license by doing something harmful. I resigned on the spot and remained until patient care was transferred to a new nurse.

It's just too much for me to handle right now....learning basically on my own while my personal life if falling apart. My blood pressure is 175/109. While I know resigning may be the death knell of this career, at this point I am not sure when or if I will be able to return to competence. It is humiliating, heartbreaking and sickening to me. I had also learned that they started floating new nurses just off orientation to other floors. Hell, I can barely function on my own floor.

I realize I am going under what used to be called a "mental breakdown". I am not a psycho person, and have never experienced anything like this before. I know these are situations that nurses deal with all the time, yet I cannot feel that in these situations new grads are set up to fail. Any hope for me? Thinking about going back to dog grooming. I have a Masters degree from eons ago, but it is rather outdated.

SarahJ08

31 Posts

I would leave that hospital immediately. They were absolutely setting you up for failure. There is no way a new grad nurse can thrive on 5 weeks of orientation. That is less than what they orient seasoned nurse to a new unit at the hospital it work at. That hospital is dangerous, not you!

Karou

700 Posts

Specializes in Med-Surg.

I really want to hug you! You sound tremendously burdened. Too many sources of stress, anxiety, and pressure.

Your husband sounds like a real charmer. I don't know how you feel about him, but I think he is behaving like an inconsiderate ass. Marriage is complicated, but you deserve some sort of answer instead of his chilly indifference. How can you possibly move on with your marriage in limbo? I am so sorry. I can't imagine what it's like to come home from a stressful new job to that...

It's always stressful, scary, and a little chaotic to start a first nursing job. Your work environment doesn't sound that supportive, and quite understaffed if everyone is constantly drowning and unable to offer you help. You didn't get the orientation necessary either if your preceptor was charging and not always available. Your floor sounds very difficult. The fact they raked you over the coals for a subjective patient complaint is a big red flag for me also.

It's okay to acknowledge that this is all too much right now and back away. You need to take care of YOU before you can take care of anyone else.

I hope things either work out with your your husband or you get closure so that you can move on and focus on your own happiness. I think the two stressors you have at this time were impossible to cope with for you. I wish you can find some peace.

ambr46

219 Posts

Don't give up on nursing altogether!!! You can apply to other places. Home health, dialysis, blood banks, LTC,... I know you are extremely nervous about nursing at this point because of your initial terrible experience but once you get a handle on things and feel competent, it gets much better.

When I first started on my path to nursing I would literally have to give myself a pep talk before every shift to convince myself that I was able to make it through the day.

It really does get better

Specializes in PCCN.

Actually, since you dont have a year in yet, wouldnt you still be considered a new grad yet?

It might be worth trying a different place. I agree with others - you got the sink or swim treatment :(

If you could get a job now in the dog grooming, maybe that would give you time to rehash things over regarding nursing. It also would give you an income now, as I think you either need to get counseling with your spouse, or tell him to poop or get off the pot. Its not fair to string you along like he is.Maybe you could get some counseling for yourself too- as you are going through some incredibly difficult things right now.

You need a virtual hug. (((())))

Keep talking ( posting)- it helps.

furelite

98 Posts

Thanks y'all. We have been in counseling together, and now are in separate counseling. During our couples counseling, my husband could never come up with anything that we needed to work on. He could come up with NOTHING other than he "wasn't happy" and that there were things I did that made him emotionally angry that he knew were dumb (like leaving my hairbrush out) but logically he knew they were dumb and never said anything. Apparently years of me not doing things just right and him never voicing an opinion led to resentment, and then surfaced some personal issues about how he deals with life, etc that our counselor then told him he needed individual therapy. I am still seeing this guy and have another appointment on Monday. I think the affair has cast a fog over him that now he has rewritten our entire history of 25 years. On any given day he will say "I haven't been happy for (1, 3, 15 years...whatever the choice of the day is). It is maddening. He won't help me heal, as he gets pissed if I ever ask him where he's going, where he's been, etc).

Anyway, it is hard for me to imagine that anywhere will hire me with two months experience, but maybe there is a chance. I just don't know. At this point, we are still married and he makes a good income. I have been reading about "mental breakdowns" and am not sure how long it will be until I feel normal. I sometimes fantasize about opening my own shop, I used to run a mobile business, but I know I can't make any decisions at all right now.

I saw experienced nurses on my unit make mistakes, omissions, get complaints all the time with no repurcussions. The verbal counseling for the complaint really upset me. As soon as you are off the 5 week orientation, you are treated exactly like the seasoned nurses with the same load, same admissions, same expectations. Is is like that everywhere? Additionally, I was working nights which I thought would help me learn but only added to my lack of sleep.

Specializes in Psychiatry, Community, Nurse Manager, hospice.

I am very sorry for what you are going through right now. What your husband is doing to you is a severe hit to self esteem, then the work stuff on top of it is the icing on the brutal cake. That is just too much all at once. I give you a lot of credit for the way you seem to be rational through all this. If my husband did this to me I am pretty sure someone would call the police, because I would go from zero to raving lunatic pretty quickly. I'm not recommending you do that!!

You probably need to do easy stuff for a while, as you build your self esteem back up, and cope with the stress of your personal life. Something repetitive, like giving flu shots; something not in acute care, where you have a lot of support. When you get good at that, your self esteem grows. You could go back to dog grooming, but I'm guessing there is a reason you left that. And I wouldn't recommend it unless it feels fun or restful. If it feels like giving up on yourself, then please reconsider. You may need to give up on someone, but not yourself.

I have great respect for the way you resigned. You could have done something unsafe for the patient, but you put the patient's safety first and that is exactly the type of person we need in nursing.

You are in my thoughts. I am thinking of you and wishing you wellness and success.

Specializes in Public Health.
I am very sorry for what you are going through right now. What your husband is doing to you is a severe hit to self esteem, then the work stuff on top of it is the icing on the brutal cake. That is just too much all at once. I give you a lot of credit for the way you seem to be rational through all this. If my husband did this to me I am pretty sure someone would call the police, because I would go from zero to raving lunatic pretty quickly. I'm not recommending you do that!!

You probably need to do easy stuff for a while, as you build your self esteem back up, and cope with the stress of your personal life. Something repetitive, like giving flu shots; something not in acute care, where you have a lot of support. When you get good at that, your self esteem grows. You could go back to dog grooming, but I'm guessing there is a reason you left that. And I wouldn't recommend it unless it feels fun or restful. If it feels like giving up on yourself, then please reconsider. You may need to give up on someone, but not yourself.

I have great respect for the way you resigned. You could have done something unsafe for the patient, but you put the patient's safety first and that is exactly the type of person we need in nursing.

You are in my thoughts. I am thinking of you and wishing you wellness and success.

I have nothing more to offer you but hugs and prayers! I hope you make it through whole.

llg, PhD, RN

13,469 Posts

Specializes in Nursing Professional Development.

Personally, if it were me ... I would be calling an attorney and starting divorce proceedings. Get a good financial settlement to help you through this period of your life while you heal and figure out what you want to do next with your career.

Specializes in Cardiac Care.

I am so sorry for what you're going through. I just want to give you a hug. :cat:

thenursemandy

276 Posts

Specializes in Med-Surg, LTC, Psych, Addictions..

Grooming can be stressful, but nearly as stressful as nursing imo. I owned my own mobile grooming businesses before. I really enjoyed it for the most part. I didn't enjoy always being covered in a fine coat of dog fur though. Iol.

You must be feeling really discouraged right now. Most of us go in to nursing to make a difference, because we genuinely care. It is terribly sad that we get backed into a corner, having to provide unsafe care or quit.

Fortunately, you are brand new. You can look for something different, like flu shot clinics or home health care. You can pretend as though the first nightmare never happened.

Good luck.

ambr46

219 Posts

You will get hired. LTC sometimes likes their new grads. It's stressful as well but it is an awesome way to learn time management. Life is always so much easier with a supportive spouse. I just want to go over their and kick him in the pants.

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