Best ER Nurse quotes

Specialties Emergency

Published

To the loudly snoring ETOHer found in an Auto Repair Shop: "Maybe she needs her air filter changed."

To the drug seeker throwing out his best pseudo-seizure: "Sir, that's not a seizure. Stop shaking." Response by pt: Immediately sits straight up and says, "I'm fine... sometimes that happens."

From security guard to combative ETOHer being introduced to his very first Foley: "Just relax and enjoy it!"

Triage nurse note: "Pt presents with L wrist pain, fell while off-road unicycling."

Charge nurse to triage nurse: "I think that 'member suture removal' needs to be upgraded to a level 1."

I think this could turn into a good thread. :wink2:

Specializes in ER, education, mgmt.

Patient comes in to triage being carried by his buddy shouting "WE NEED HELP!!" Well, immediately I see ABC's are ok, so I bring him in and he says he was "sitting there minding his own business and some guy comes up and stabs him in the leg." He is writhing, cussing, crying, you name it. There is some blood on his pants, so I cut his pants leg up to the wound site and there is a very superficial, barely 1 cm lac with a single drop of blood on it. So with a straight face I look at him and say...

"Sir, what you have here is a boo-boo. Have a seat in the lobby."

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Had a guy with vibrator stuck in rectum - sedated to remove with some forceps - wanted to die laughing when my ER doc hit the "on" button in there with the forceps and started the thing vibrating. Lots of cussing ensued.

Same ER doc writes on his charts as a "plan" for drunks - Metabolize to Freedon....

Admitting doc jokingly told one of our new grads that someone's admitting diagnosis was Acute on Chronic Poor Protoplasm Syndrome - I got a copy of the orders 20 minutes later for the bed request and she actually wrote that! He was an ETOH intox...

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89 yo female said to me the other day (while doing a cath) "This would be much better if a hot young guy was doing it, but that would be the coldest member I ever felt." :lol2:

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Specializes in Emergency.

I had a 18 yoa male come in the front door with a gsw to the lower leg. I put him in a room and I made him get out of the wheelchair and put himself in the bed. As he stood I noticed he was a fan of the crotch between the knees, belt around the thighs, and the plaid underwear showing all complemented with a wife beater look. The MD came in the room and asked, "what happened to him?" Without missing a beat I replied, "They done shot his pants off of him!" (in my most ignorant sounding accent) Then I offered to remove the tag he still had on his baseball cap. "You forgot to cut this off." He declined. He also had this huge, blingy, shiney watch on. I complimented him on it then asked where he worked. He didn't understand the question so I had to repeat it slowly. Then he informed me he was unemployed and on disability (due to a previous GSW which left him with a gimpy leg.) So I asked him if the Easter Bunny brought him the expensive looking watch (it was Easter Sunday.) Again I got the confused look. Then I tried to educate him on finding safer places to "mind his own business" after he spends his Sunday morning in church, because with 2 bad legs he stood no chance of successfully gimping away from someone shooting at him, especially if he was going to continue to wear blue jeans that clearly belonged to someone 3 times his size with the crotch between his knees. He didn't seem to understand my sense of humor.

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Specializes in Medical.
Had a guy with vibrator stuck in rectum - sedated to remove with some forceps - wanted to die laughing when my ER doc hit the "on" button in there with the forceps and started the thing vibrating. Lots of cussing ensued.

One fo the surgeons who guest lectured while I was studying colo-rectal as a student told us that if you ever do that, tell the staff because he did the mandatory rectal exam on an acute abdo pain presentation who didn't say anything. WHen the (then junior) doc probbed his finger turned on the vibrator, which perforated the bowel of the (non-sedated) patient, resulting in an open laparotomy, resting collectomy, fecal peritonitis and a week long ICU stay.

He concluded his story by saying, "I think he found the experience a lot more difficult than telling triage what happened would have been."

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Specializes in Emergency Department.

E.R. doc "You can tell someone that's F.O.S. by the amount of washcloths on their face"

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Specializes in ER, NICU, NSY and some other stuff.
Last time I floated to ER, I worked with a hilarious but very burned out nurse.

"You have to stop being so nice to them. It just makes them come back next time."

I don't remember working with an Eric.....

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Specializes in CCU, SICU, CVSICU, Precepting & Teaching.
i had a 18 yoa male come in the front door with a gsw to the lower leg. i put him in a room and i made him get out of the wheelchair and put himself in the bed. as he stood i noticed he was a fan of the crotch between the knees, belt around the thighs, and the plaid underwear showing all complemented with a wife beater look. the md came in the room and asked, "what happened to him?" without missing a beat i replied, "they done shot his pants off of him!" (in my most ignorant sounding accent) then i offered to remove the tag he still had on his baseball cap. "you forgot to cut this off." he declined. he also had this huge, blingy, shiney watch on. i complimented him on it then asked where he worked. he didn't understand the question so i had to repeat it slowly. then he informed me he was unemployed and on disability (due to a previous gsw which left him with a gimpy leg.) so i asked him if the easter bunny brought him the expensive looking watch (it was easter sunday.) again i got the confused look. then i tried to educate him on finding safer places to "mind his own business" after he spends his sunday morning in church, because with 2 bad legs he stood no chance of successfully gimping away from someone shooting at him, especially if he was going to continue to wear blue jeans that clearly belonged to someone 3 times his size with the crotch between his knees. he didn't seem to understand my sense of humor.

beverage alert! for some reason, this struck me as hilarious! probably because my husband was just complaining last night about the innocent teenager he transported last night who had been just standing around "minding my bidness" when them two dudes attacked him for "no good reason" and stabbed him 5 or 6 times. (two minutes with this kid and i could easily see why someone wanted to stab him!) dh said to the kid, "you look familiar, have you been in the hospital before?"

"yeah. you brought me in last year when some dude up and shot me."

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Specializes in Emergency Department.

Doc to a young female patient during a vag exam "Are you sexually active?"

Pt. "not anymore".

Doc "how long has it been".

Pt. "last week".

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Specializes in Trauma, Teaching.

In response to the umpteenth time of being asked "when will xyz happen?" or "how long will it take before the admitting MD gets here?", I've started saying "If I could tell you that, they'd have to pay me a lot more for being clairvoyant!"

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From a 40-something woman who came in for missing vibrator retrieval seven days after it disappeared:

"You know that movie, 'Jackass?' Well, I'm livin' it."

She decided it was too late to be embarassed and laughed at herself. Quite a nice patient, really.

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Specializes in Medical.

Seven days? There's a woman who really want to make sure it wasn't going to come out on its own!

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