Your Favorite one liner used with patients

[scaredofshots]

I am a student and I use humor to get me through clinicals. Once I told a patient "This is my first time giving an injection on a real live person." At the time it was very funny! The look on his face and my instructors was priceless!! I was curious what other things people have said or say to patients to break the ice.

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[CRNI-ICU20]

after snorting what I was drinking straight up my nose....!! I am enjoying this thread soo much....gosh you people are a hoot!

Here's some of my phrases....

to the patient being wheeled in wide awake after surgery:

"your extreme makeover is a wild success!!!!!"

to the patient who passes gas

"aw heck....around here we congratulate people for making funny noises!"

to the patient who's iv became disconnected and leaked blood all over:

"for crying out loud, it looks like they sacrificed a chicken in here!"

to all my male patients when assessing bowel sounds:

"checking to see if the baby is kicking!"

to patients who shiver when I put them on a cold bedpan:

"well, for pete's sakes, I just took it out of the refrigerator a min. ago!"

to patients who are having trouble moving their bowels:

"say hello to my leeetle friend.....senor POOPBOMB!"

to patients who get no sleep in the ICU:

"I was at the top of my class in nursing school....the one called INSOMNIA 101"

to patients who are worried about an IV start:

"don't be alarmed, I have a sure fire system for success...first, I turn off all the lights....then....I run at you from clear across the room...."

This always get's a laugh!

[danissa, LPN, LVN]

to patients who are worried about an IV start:

"don't be alarmed, I have a sure fire system for success...first, I turn off all the lights....then....I run at you from clear across the room...."

This always get's a laugh!

:lol2: fabulous!!

[grace90, LPN, LVN]

When doing neuro checks and checking pupil reactivity- "open your eyes, stare at my nose and try not to laugh"

[muffie, RN]

come into my office and bend over [ the bathroom] [ for mrsa vre rectal swabs]

[PerrieLPN2]

This stuff is sooo funny!!!!!

[NurseLatteDNP, MSN, DNP, RN]

I tell patients who complain that they are not getting any sleep "If you want sleep, you'll need to ask to be discharged, because you won't get none here". After that we both start laughing.

[Spatialized]

I've got a few to add...

To the post-ops worried about not having a BM, I say in my worst WW2 interrogator accent, "We have ways of making you poop..."

Tom

[cathyjorn]

As an ER triage nurse during flu season.... Sir, the last time I checked, Barb-qd-Fritos were not a cure for nausea and vomiting!!!

[StacieRN, RN]

To a (self-proclaimed) VIP after complaints over room, meals, lack of personal attention, etc : Dang, there goes that fifth star from Zagat.

[nurseangel31_03]

when i have a resident afraid that they will fall, i tell them i wont let them fall because it is to much paper work

when i am going to give an injection i tell them well i think i have done this a couple of times before

[nurseangel31_03]

we do weekly skin assessments and i have a resident that ask if i like to look at butts

i say: i like to look at buts all kinds of buts

like the song i like big butts

[ROSYJO11]

Does this hurt? No? Hmmmn, I'll have to try harder then.

The young men and even the cheeky middle aged ones often get this response from me 'I'm just going to take your temperature now, if you can just roll onto your side?' and I say it with a real poker face . The wisecracking look is wiped right off their face. It's so funny.