I had a horrible shift last night. It was the worst one I have had so far. I finished my orientation mid April and have been on my own since then. I am still slow but feel like I have been getting better and I have had some good shifts and some that have been hard and hectic. Last night I had drowned completely. I just don't know if I can do this.
Right at the start of the shift I got an admission from ER. I already had one patient that was on close watch for having went downhill during the dayshift. But the admission, this patient was a train wreck. I was not at all qualified to care for her. We do not normally get this type of patient on our floor, and she had a lot of medical issues going on, and procedures and drips I have never done. She was too large for our bariatric beds, and not feeling well, she was less than pleasant to us. Her family was also very difficult. But I could not move her or reposition her without a team of people, and she was not comfortable because she did not fit on the bed. I had to ask the charge nurse for a lot of help because of all the drips I have not done before, and she was getting very irritated with me. The pts condition was declining, slowly at first and I was in over my head and asked for help. When she started going downhill faster I wanted to page rapid response. The charge nurse said no she would handle it, and another supervisor came down to help. Next time, I will just call RR. I ended up calling the on call doctor several times for orders, respiratory therapy came to help (they were awesome) and I ended up spending the entire shift in that room. Between her and the other patient, i feel like I completely neglected the rest of them. I ran in and out of their rooms so fast, I doubt they could pick me in a lineup.
Towards the end of the shift the charge nurse, at the nurses station, told me I had the easiest patient load on the floor and that at this point I should not need so much help. She gave me a loud long lecture on basically how much I suck at everything and how I ruined her night. I have never felt so incompetent in my life. I cried and as I was leaving the station I heard everyone laughing. I wanted to die.I though I had been doing ok so far. I was just starting to feel like I was doing ok on my own. I guess I do ask a lot of questions. A few of the other nurses later came to tell me I have been doing fine and reassure me, but I can't forget hearing them all laugh. When the day shift arrived the charge nurse pulled me aside to ask what had happened, I guess you could tell I had cried. She came in to see the patient and immediately called to have the patient transferred to CCU. She said next time just call rapid response regardless of what the CN says. She helped me finish up and made me feel slightly better. I am thankful for her being so nice. I was a mess. I am still a mess. My supervisor left me a message today telling me I did fine and that it was a hard patient, I have not called her back yet.
I am still a mess. I am not normally a crier, but I cannot stop. I am DREADING going back to work. I don't know if I can do that again.I still feel like there is so much to learn. It is overwhelming. I think the combination of being new and working nights is making me tired and emotional. The stress is really building up.
