Workplace Conflict

Old.Timer · Feb 28, 2012

I admire you for recognizing that there is a problem and seeking to find a solution. That's huge.

I can only share what I have observed in the workplace. Often, when someone is constantly feeling "disrespected" at every turn, it is as likely to be a result of something within themselves as much as others always genuinely being disrespectful.

The good news is this though....that is within your power to work on and change. You know, the old saying....... can't change other people, only your reaction to them.

By the same token, you're on the right path by identifying your behavior patterns, such as being abrupt, that may cause others to react negatively to you and attempting to work on that.

Adjusting your behavior doesn't make you wrong and them right, it's simply not wasting energy in attempting to change anyone other than yourself.

Good Luck to you.

nurseprnRN, BSN, RN · Feb 28, 2012

it's work. it's not family that you can never escape. you'll be leaving them at the end of the shift. practice leaving them an hour earlier in your head, then two, then four. pretty soon you'll be able to smile nicely, say something like, "thank you for telling me," and leave the immediate area and go do your work.

be aware that some of these people may not be the best communicators in the world but they may very well have something to teach you. pay attention more closely.

and do not start "confrontations." it only makes you look bad, no matter how clever your repartee.

Art_Vandelay · Feb 28, 2012

Ok, I want to clarify, I am not running around starting conflicts (although I did use that word). I will, however, elevate them to the next level. For example, fellow nurse states sarcastic reply, I will gladly use the same tone with him/her. I am not a "drama queen," but I will "put someone in his place." Is there a difference between elevating and starting? And I don't think everyone is disrespecting me, but I have realized that lately I have a poor tolerance for the snide and capricious.

I realize I am probably sounding defensive, but of course self-evaluation doesn't always lead to positive feedback.

rn/writer, RN · Feb 28, 2012

Putting someone else in their place and elevating a conflict rarely contribute positively to any kind of conflict. Why? Because we each look out through our own eyeballs and that makes objectivity difficult. What you see as putting someone else in her place may look like an act of aggression to another nurse who doesn't see how she may have influenced your response. Then she might snip back at you, thinking she's just putting you in your place.

The same goes for "elevating a conflict." Why in the world would that sound like a good idea, when that dynamic demands that someone you have to see on a regular basis has to lose.

I get that you don't want to be a doormat. But there are ways to communicate good boundaries that don't involve upping the aggression.

The first thing to do is decide not to take offense. A lot of workplace conflict is just people being prickly. Time pressure, trouble on the homefront, tight finances, a wicked headache, and a bunch of other nondescript stuff is behind a good percentage of the sparks that fly on any given unit. Anything you choose to personalize will feel worse than it really is.

Does that mean you have to take someone else's guff? No. It just means you don't give them your guff in return.

Instead, you say things like, "What's the matter? "Are you okay, 'cause you don't usually talk to me that way?" "I'll gladly discuss whatever you're upset about, but how about if you calm down first."

If someone's sarcastic, you can ask, "Who peed on your cornflakes?"

Even if the attack is personal, you don't have to accept the invitation to get ugly.

The idea behind all of this is to dodge the blows rather than engage in hand-to-hand combat. Think of martial artists who twist out of the way and let the opponent take himself down. It takes some practice to de-personalize comments and discipline yourself not to come back with a nasty retort of your own, but the alternative is that you will develop a reputation as something of a troublemaker, even if others started the problems.

The more you react, the more riled up YOU are going to feel. If you can just let a lot of the hot air blow past you, you will school yourself into taking a calmer stance.

Will other people see you as a victim? Not if you can stay cool and in control of yourself. If you can get to the point where you don't allow other people's acid runoff to disturb your serenity, you will actually set yourself up to be trusted and admired.

This kind of self defense is so much more effective and honorable than fighting with co-workers.

I hope you give it a try.

Art_Vandelay · Feb 28, 2012

Miranda,

Great insight! Thank you.

You are correct; in retrospect I have upped the aggression. Furthermore, as I was reading another poster's story today about a doctor that embarrassed her in front of others, I instantly became angry FOR her. Unfortunately, in healthcare, we do not always deal with doctors or other professionals with which we have established relationships. While I respect and should aim to diffuse the situation rather than escalate it, there are times when I deem it is necessary to defend oneself. I refuse to stand idle by while someone treats me like a fool in front of others, or even in private. And while I will not take the insult home with me, the person needs to know that that type of verbal treatment will not be tolerated.

I have not reached that conflictual feng shui that you so describe. Life just deals some individuals lousy hands, but you do the best with what's available.

PinkNBlue, BSN, RN · Feb 28, 2012

Putting someone else in their place and elevating a conflict rarely contribute positively to any kind of conflict. Why? Because we each look out through our own eyeballs and that makes objectivity difficult. What you see as putting someone else in her place may look like an act of aggression to another nurse who doesn't see how she may have influenced your response. Then she might snip back at you, thinking she's just putting you in your place. The same goes for "elevating a conflict." Why in the world would that sound like a good idea, when that dynamic demands that someone you have to see on a regular basis has to lose. I get that you don't want to be a doormat. But there are ways to communicate good boundaries that don't involve upping the aggression.The first thing to do is decide not to take offense. A lot of workplace conflict is just people being prickly. Time pressure, trouble on the homefront, tight finances, a wicked headache, and a bunch of other nondescript stuff is behind a good percentage of the sparks that fly on any given unit. Anything you choose to personalize will feel worse than it really is.Does that mean you have to take someone else's guff? No. It just means you don't give them your guff in return.Instead, you say things like, "What's the matter? "Are you okay, 'cause you don't usually talk to me that way?" "I'll gladly discuss whatever you're upset about, but how about if you calm down first."If someone's sarcastic, you can ask, "Who peed on your cornflakes?" Even if the attack is personal, you don't have to accept the invitation to get ugly.The idea behind all of this is to dodge the blows rather than engage in hand-to-hand combat. Think of martial artists who twist out of the way and let the opponent take himself down. It takes some practice to de-personalize comments and discipline yourself not to come back with a nasty retort of your own, but the alternative is that you will develop a reputation as something of a troublemaker, even if others started the problems.The more you react, the more riled up YOU are going to feel. If you can just let a lot of the hot air blow past you, you will school yourself into taking a calmer stance.Will other people see you as a victim? Not if you can stay cool and in control of yourself. If you can get to the point where you don't allow other people's acid runoff to disturb your serenity, you will actually set yourself up to be trusted and admired.This kind of self defense is so much more effective and honorable than fighting with co-workers. I hope you give it a try.

This is fantastic advice I wish I would have come across before. I will definitely remember it though. Thank you for this.

Been there,done that, ASN, RN · Mar 1, 2012

You must respond coolly, calmly and professionally .. or you will be escalating the issue.

I was married to a male nurse.. his response was " I give what I get", I tried that briefly.... sorry to say.

Treat the agressor as you would treat a patient, family or doctor with an issue.

Acknowledge their concern,

Let them know you are listening,

Ask what is needed to resolve the issue.

Humility is the core of nursing.

frankie,RN · Mar 1, 2012

kill them wth kindness.:)

damrcngrl95 · Mar 1, 2012

I am personally dealing with a rude person on a social level. I have found that not reacting to her rude behavior has made her look like the jerk she is. People just look at her like she sprouted two heads and I go on like she didn't say anything. This seems to be working for now.

llg, PhD, RN · Mar 1, 2012

While I respect and should aim to diffuse the situation rather than escalate it, there are times when I deem it is necessary to defend oneself. .

I think the whole point is to realize that when you escalate the situation, you are NOT doing a good job of defending yourself. You are just making the situation more dangerous -- for yourself as well as for the other person. When you de-escalate the situation, it becomes safer for both of you -- and that IS a good defense.

When you quickly "strike back," it is like a child reacting by hitting another because of some perceived offense. Hopefully, as the child matures, he/she will learn more productive ways of handling difficult situations. You don't want to just react to a perceived offense by striking back.

Once you can see that the best defense usually involves de-escalating the situation and not escalating it, you may have an easier time keeping your cool. Losing your cool is a form of losing control -- and when you are out of control, you are not at your best. If you feel you "have" to say something harsh, you are no longer in control. Think about that. Do you really want to be out of control in your work interactions? I don't. I want to be on top of the situation and in control of my words and actions. Being in control is strong. Being out of control is a weak position to be coming from.

Good luck to you!

Purple_Scrubs, BSN, RN · Mar 1, 2012

I wish I could find it now...there was a recent post from The Commuter that addressed some fantastic replies to difficult people. One of them was simply "This conversation is over". I think a calm, rational retort that illustrates that you will not be talked to in a demeaning manner is much more effective than responding in a defensive manner and escalating the confrontation.

I am hoping The Commuter will pop in and add to this, as she does so much better than I :)