When One Child Is Enough

[Spidey's mom]

Let me preface this article to say that I'm not stirring a pot. I found this article a little dispassionate considering the choice made.

When One Is Enough

By AMY RICHARDS as told to AMY BARRETT

Published: July 18, 2004

I grew up in a working-class family in Pennsylvania not knowing my father. I have never missed not having him. I firmly believe that, but for much of my life I felt that what I probably would have gained was economic security and with that societal security. Growing up with a single mother, I was always buying into the myth that I was going to be seduced in the back of a pickup truck and become pregnant when I was 16. I had friends when I was in school who were helping to rear nieces and nephews, because their siblings, who were not much older, were having babies. I had friends from all over the class spectrum: I saw the nieces and nephews on the one hand and country-club memberships and station wagons on the other. I felt I was in the middle. I had this fear: What would it take for me to just slip?

Now I'm 34. My boyfriend, Peter, and I have been together three years. I'm old enough to presume that I wasn't going to have an easy time becoming pregnant. I was tired of being on the pill, because it made me moody. Before I went off it, Peter and I talked about what would happen if I became pregnant, and we both agreed that we would have the child.

I found out I was having triplets when I went to my obstetrician. The doctor had just finished telling me I was going to have a low-risk pregnancy. She turned on the sonogram machine. There was a long pause, then she said, ''Are you sure you didn't take fertility drugs?'' I said, ''I'm positive.'' Peter and I were very shocked when she said there were three. ''You know, this changes everything,'' she said. ''You'll have to see a specialist.''

My immediate response was, I cannot have triplets. I was not married; I lived in a five-story walk-up in the East Village; I worked freelance; and I would have to go on bed rest in March. I lecture at colleges, and my biggest months are March and April. I would have to give up my main income for the rest of the year. There was a part of me that was sure I could work around that. But it was a matter of, Do I want to?

I looked at Peter and asked the doctor: ''Is it possible to get rid of one of them? Or two of them?'' The obstetrician wasn't an expert in selective reduction, but she knew that with a shot of potassium chloride you could eliminate one or more.

Having felt physically fine up to this point, I got on the subway afterward, and all of a sudden, I felt ill. I didn't want to eat anything. What I was going through seemed like a very unnatural experience. On the subway, Peter asked, ''Shouldn't we consider having triplets?'' And I had this adverse reaction: ''This is why they say it's the woman's choice, because you think I could just carry triplets. That's easy for you to say, but I'd have to give up my life.'' Not only would I have to be on bed rest at 20 weeks, I wouldn't be able to fly after 15. I was already at eight weeks. When I found out about the triplets, I felt like: It's not the back of a pickup at 16, but now I'm going to have to move to Staten Island. I'll never leave my house because I'll have to care for these children. I'll have to start shopping only at Costco and buying big jars of mayonnaise. Even in my moments of thinking about having three, I don't think that deep down I was ever considering it.

The specialist called me back at 10 p.m. I had just finished watching a Boston Pops concert at Symphony Hall. As everybody burst into applause, I watched my cellphone vibrating, grabbed it and ran into the lobby. He told me that he does a detailed sonogram before doing a selective reduction to see if one fetus appears to be struggling. The procedure involves a shot of potassium chloride to the heart of the fetus. There are a lot more complications when a woman carries multiples. And so, from the doctor's perspective, it's a matter of trying to save the woman this trauma. After I talked to the specialist, I told Peter, ''That's what I'm going to do.'' He replied, ''What we're going to do.'' He respected what I was going through, but at a certain point, he felt that this was a decision we were making. I agreed.

When we saw the specialist, we found out that I was carrying identical twins and a stand alone. My doctors thought the stand alone was three days older. There was something psychologically comforting about that, since I wanted to have just one. Before the procedure, I was focused on relaxing. But Peter was staring at the sonogram screen thinking: Oh, my gosh, there are three heartbeats. I can't believe we're about to make two disappear. The doctor came in, and then Peter was asked to leave. I said, ''Can Peter stay?'' The doctor said no. I know Peter was offended by that.

Two days after the procedure, smells no longer set me off and I no longer wanted to eat nothing but sour-apple gum. I went on to have a pretty seamless pregnancy. But I had a recurring feeling that this was going to come back and haunt me. Was I going to have a stillbirth or miscarry late in my pregnancy?

I had a boy, and everything is fine. But thinking about becoming pregnant again is terrifying. Am I going to have quintuplets? I would do the same thing if I had triplets again, but if I had twins, I would probably have twins. Then again, I don't know.

[missmercy]

I am in a strange position. I am pro-life, but also pro-choice. I believe in chosing life first. How I handle this situation is to explain the options: adoption, keep the baby, abortion; and then put them in touch of a non bias counselor. When I was considering an abortion, Planned Parenthood encouraged these same options. My husband and I had our third child. Nobody pressured me into the decision. It all worked out for us. The main point is choice. Don't let the patient feel trapped. There are too many good networks out there.:)

I agree! I am VERY pro-life -- but my rebellious side hates to be told what I can and cannot do. My personal feelings, history etc would NEVER allow me to consider an abortion -- however, legally, I don't think I have the right to withhold that option from someone else. I would be hard pressed to offer it as an option more than in passing, but have mentioned it as a choice in between extoling the benefits of adoption ( I'm like the "adoption poster child") and encouraging my patient to talk to her clergy, family counselor-- someone she knows and trusts to help her make a wise choice that she can live with.

[Wintrsday]

Thank God. What a mess otherwise. Such heartrending ethical dilemmas unnecessarily . . (I was going to say "forced" but that doesn't really work. . .. ummm) . . . asked of people desperate to have children.

Since my son is still in Africa and I still look at the photos of the orphans and since I realize there are so many older kids who need homes here in the US I guess I wish people would look at adoption more. Having your own biological kid is NO guarantee that you will have a perfect kid. Just look at all of us who have struggled with at least one kid. :)

steph

I would love to adopt but costs are extremely prohibitive, with adoptions costing up to $23,000 per child, I don't think I have seen costs for adoption lower than $18,000. Even adoptions from the foster system are difficult at best and they often put heavy restrictions on who can adopt, plus the kids available are often so damaged that they will not allow them to be adopted unless they are going to be only children.

[RNtoJD]

Excellent post.

Sigh...this is such a gray area. I used to feel the same way. Now, however, I look at a world that is already teeming with people we can't take care of. I look at a world filled to the brim with children already born, waiting for homes. I see people fighting harder for embryos than for kids! I hear people talking about the value of life but completely ignoring the thousands upon thousands of foster children fighting for a chance, ignoring those living in poverty, ignoring the abused, slashing funding for social services... What is more important? Fighting to save what essentially, at the time the author wrote this, is truly a cluster of cells (I know that sounds heartless, but the triplets had not become sentinent beings yet, they had not gained consciousness)? Or spending what energy, time, and money we have fighting for those who are already here?

People ARE torturing themselves to have children - and I wish that they would adopt instead. I know, I know, I've given birth, so I can't understand. I admit it. But it seems hypocritical to judge this woman's choice based on morality when a similar judgement could be made of people who are torturing themselves to have kids. Why not adopt? If we're going to invoke the name of God, involve spirituality, why not talk about God's plan? If you can't have kids, maybe that's because you should adopt. I'm not saying this is necessarily the way I feel, just that there is such an incredible double standard. We are so willing to judge those having abortions, but we are absolutely unwilling to judge those bring more kids into the world when, as I said before, we can't take care of the ones already here.

Disrespect for human life? Disrespect for the sanctity of life? NO. But there is more to respecting life than preserving mere existence. Here is what I think of when I think of respecting life: funding education, spending more money on feeding our kids than killing people in wars, funding childcare and healthcare, working to resolve the inequities in our world, funding birth control instead of completely eliminating funding for it because the providers counsel on the option of abortion...I would rather someone have one kid and completely devote herself to it, love it, be able to give all her resources to it, than have 3 that she doesn't want, will resent, will not be able to spend time with, will barely be able to support...In my opinion, this IS respecting the sanctity of life. There is nothing selfish about admiting that you want your child to have a good life, instead of being a martyr, making your multiples and yourself miserable forever and giving birth in the name of morality.

[RNtoJD]

. I actually think abortion is one of the few areas where women have more control than men.

This, in a nutshell, explains why many (althiugh not all) conservative males are "pro-life" when they are also "pro death penalty". The incongruity is telling.

[ceceliajane2003]

5 I will try not to be insulting, but this is real sad.Its like you had no respect for your own human life. Cold, very cold. And I had to have an abortion, I'm not real pro this or pro not. But how could you do that? EVERY pregnancy there's a risk you may be blessed with more than one. You aborted some of your own kids because you didnt want to get "stuck in the house" for 8 years? why the hell did you go off the pill? some mother.....NOT. Rash , but true. One point for honesty, but that story was actually for your counsellor.

god.

regrettfully,

Lisa

Let me preface this article to say that I'm not stirring a pot. I found this article a little dispassionate considering the choice made.

When One Is Enough

By AMY RICHARDS as told to AMY BARRETT

Published: July 18, 2004

I grew up in a working-class family in Pennsylvania not knowing my father. I have never missed not having him. I firmly believe that, but for much of my life I felt that what I probably would have gained was economic security and with that societal security. Growing up with a single mother, I was always buying into the myth that I was going to be seduced in the back of a pickup truck and become pregnant when I was 16. I had friends when I was in school who were helping to rear nieces and nephews, because their siblings, who were not much older, were having babies. I had friends from all over the class spectrum: I saw the nieces and nephews on the one hand and country-club memberships and station wagons on the other. I felt I was in the middle. I had this fear: What would it take for me to just slip?

Now I'm 34. My boyfriend, Peter, and I have been together three years. I'm old enough to presume that I wasn't going to have an easy time becoming pregnant. I was tired of being on the pill, because it made me moody. Before I went off it, Peter and I talked about what would happen if I became pregnant, and we both agreed that we would have the child.

I found out I was having triplets when I went to my obstetrician. The doctor had just finished telling me I was going to have a low-risk pregnancy. She turned on the sonogram machine. There was a long pause, then she said, ''Are you sure you didn't take fertility drugs?'' I said, ''I'm positive.'' Peter and I were very shocked when she said there were three. ''You know, this changes everything,'' she said. ''You'll have to see a specialist.''

My immediate response was, I cannot have triplets. I was not married; I lived in a five-story walk-up in the East Village; I worked freelance; and I would have to go on bed rest in March. I lecture at colleges, and my biggest months are March and April. I would have to give up my main income for the rest of the year. There was a part of me that was sure I could work around that. But it was a matter of, Do I want to?

I looked at Peter and asked the doctor: ''Is it possible to get rid of one of them? Or two of them?'' The obstetrician wasn't an expert in selective reduction, but she knew that with a shot of potassium chloride you could eliminate one or more.

Having felt physically fine up to this point, I got on the subway afterward, and all of a sudden, I felt ill. I didn't want to eat anything. What I was going through seemed like a very unnatural experience. On the subway, Peter asked, ''Shouldn't we consider having triplets?'' And I had this adverse reaction: ''This is why they say it's the woman's choice, because you think I could just carry triplets. That's easy for you to say, but I'd have to give up my life.'' Not only would I have to be on bed rest at 20 weeks, I wouldn't be able to fly after 15. I was already at eight weeks. When I found out about the triplets, I felt like: It's not the back of a pickup at 16, but now I'm going to have to move to Staten Island. I'll never leave my house because I'll have to care for these children. I'll have to start shopping only at Costco and buying big jars of mayonnaise. Even in my moments of thinking about having three, I don't think that deep down I was ever considering it.

The specialist called me back at 10 p.m. I had just finished watching a Boston Pops concert at Symphony Hall. As everybody burst into applause, I watched my cellphone vibrating, grabbed it and ran into the lobby. He told me that he does a detailed sonogram before doing a selective reduction to see if one fetus appears to be struggling. The procedure involves a shot of potassium chloride to the heart of the fetus. There are a lot more complications when a woman carries multiples. And so, from the doctor's perspective, it's a matter of trying to save the woman this trauma. After I talked to the specialist, I told Peter, ''That's what I'm going to do.'' He replied, ''What we're going to do.'' He respected what I was going through, but at a certain point, he felt that this was a decision we were making. I agreed.

When we saw the specialist, we found out that I was carrying identical twins and a stand alone. My doctors thought the stand alone was three days older. There was something psychologically comforting about that, since I wanted to have just one. Before the procedure, I was focused on relaxing. But Peter was staring at the sonogram screen thinking: Oh, my gosh, there are three heartbeats. I can't believe we're about to make two disappear. The doctor came in, and then Peter was asked to leave. I said, ''Can Peter stay?'' The doctor said no. I know Peter was offended by that.

Two days after the procedure, smells no longer set me off and I no longer wanted to eat nothing but sour-apple gum. I went on to have a pretty seamless pregnancy. But I had a recurring feeling that this was going to come back and haunt me. Was I going to have a stillbirth or miscarry late in my pregnancy?

I had a boy, and everything is fine. But thinking about becoming pregnant again is terrifying. Am I going to have quintuplets? I would do the same thing if I had triplets again, but if I had twins, I would probably have twins. Then again, I don't know.

[hock1]

I hope this isn't too far off the fray but...eight years ago when my husband and I were considering abortion of a third pregnancy, my 'research' showed that many abortions were performed on married women expecting a third/fourth child. That kind of shocked me. When I asked my husband about considering giving up our third child for adoption, he replied and I quote exactly, "What? And have strangers raise my kid. What if they're child abusers or molesters?" I replied, "But you'll consider aborting your child"? Our conversation went dead so to speak after that. With lots of support our daughter was born. We struggled greatly, but it all worked out (or we got used to it anyways).

[wannabeL&D]

I have always been pro-choice, but the choice made in this instance literally sickens me. To me, it is in the same category as those who choose to terminate a "much wanted" pregnancy for things like cleft lip/palate, club feet, trisomy 21--even extra digits in the pinkie (this was actually featured in a front page articly in the NYT--the woman in question terminated twice for the condition). If you choose not to use birth control, and say you want to be a parent, then I believe you should step up to the plate and parent the child/children you created. If you don't want to make some sacrifices, then don't get pregnant. Absolutely selfish decision.

Shannon

[wannabeL&D]

. I actually think abortion is one of the few areas where women have more control than men.

This, in a nutshell, explains why many (althiugh not all) conservative males are "pro-life" when they are also "pro death penalty". The incongruity is telling.

Excellent point!

[Future_Nurse]

Ok Im sorry to get religious on you but God let you have 3 babies for a reason. I still dont think I could have an abortion even if the baby had a problem with it. I would love the baby to death and care for it the best I could.

Destany

[susanna]

To me, it is in the same category as those who choose to terminate a "much wanted" pregnancy for things like cleft lip/palate, club feet, trisomy 21--even extra digits in the pinkie (this was actually featured in a front page articly in the NYT--the woman in question terminated twice for the condition). If you choose not to use birth control, and say you want to be a parent, then I believe you should step up to the plate and parent the child/children you created. If you don't want to make some sacrifices, then don't get pregnant. Absolutely selfish decision.

Shannon

Shannon, do you have a child with down-syndrome of your own that you are taking fully care of? I am not saying this to pry into your personal life and do not expect nor want you to answer this as it is too personal of a question. I say this because I wanted to see if I could get you to reflect further on your own opinion.

I think you are being too rash in judging a mother who does not want to care for her own child that she purposefully got pregnant with as making an "absolute selfish decision".

I don't know about you but I have taken care of children who are mentally and physically defected for life, seriously defected, whom NO ONE, not their parents nor any adoptive parents, would take care of them. There are people that are institutionalized their whole lives. If you think the worst thing that can happen to a child is to be physically deformed and intellectually incapable, you are wrong.

I don't know how else to describe it to you and I don't want to be so pushy as to disgust or horrify you with my stories but I think you are being unfair by saying that "you should parent the child you created". I would appreciate it that people who make judgments like these on other people do some research and self-reflection. Do you know what can come out of your own body? Do you really? If not, do volunteer work at a disabled institution. It can truly be a depressing and horrifying experience. I am not joking. Then after that, you can take a look around you at all the children in the world that are created by human beings and ask yourself, would you parent all of them if you gave birth to one of them?

I haven't met a person who has taken care of the same disabled persons I have who has said, yes, I would keep one of these persons if they were born to me.

[Spidey's mom, ADN, BSN, RN]

Shannon, do you have a child with down-syndrome of your own that you are taking fully care of? I am not saying this to pry into your personal life and do not expect nor want you to answer this as it is too personal of a question. I say this because I wanted to see if I could get you to reflect further on your own opinion.

I think you are being too rash in judging a mother who does not want to care for her own child that she purposefully got pregnant with as making an "absolute selfish decision".

I don't know about you but I have taken care of children who are mentally and physically defected for life, seriously defected, whom NO ONE, not their parents nor any adoptive parents, would take care of them. There are people that are institutionalized their whole lives. If you think the worst thing that can happen to a child is to be physically deformed and intellectually incapable, you are wrong.

I don't know how else to describe it to you and I don't want to be so pushy as to disgust or horrify you with my stories but I think you are being unfair by saying that "you should parent the child you created". I would appreciate it that people who make judgments like these on other people do some research and self-reflection. Do you know what can come out of your own body? Do you really? If not, do volunteer work at a disabled institution. It can truly be a depressing and horrifying experience. I am not joking. Then after that, you can take a look around you at all the children in the world that are created by human beings and ask yourself, would you parent all of them if you gave birth to one of them?

I haven't met a person who has taken care of the same disabled persons I have who has said, yes, I would keep one of these persons if they were born to me.

I do not think you have to take care of "these" persons to make an informed decision to keep a child with a handicap. I personally know many Down's Syndrome children who are living happy and normal lives because their parents chose to raise them.

I've met alot of people who, having taken care of a disabled person, said YES to keeping one of "these" persons if they were born to them.

I know at least one couple personally who chose to continue a pregnancy when they found out their child had a terrible genetic condition not conducive to life outside the womb . . .they held their very disabled and disfigured child while she died in their arms and while it was heartrenching, they did it.

So, please don't make broad statements that people who have taken care of "these" type of human beings would NOT keep a child of their own with the same conditions. Just because YOU don't know anyone who would doesn't mean they aren't out there.

And don't call them "these persons" like they are not worthy of value.

steph

[wannabeL&D]

Shannon, do you have a child with down-syndrome of your own that you are taking fully care of? I am not saying this to pry into your personal life and do not expect nor want you to answer this as it is too personal of a question. I say this because I wanted to see if I could get you to reflect further on your own opinion.

I think you are being too rash in judging a mother who does not want to care for her own child that she purposefully got pregnant with as making an "absolute selfish decision".

I don't know about you but I have taken care of children who are mentally and physically defected for life, seriously defected, whom NO ONE, not their parents nor any adoptive parents, would take care of them. There are people that are institutionalized their whole lives. If you think the worst thing that can happen to a child is to be physically deformed and intellectually incapable, you are wrong.

I don't know how else to describe it to you and I don't want to be so pushy as to disgust or horrify you with my stories but I think you are being unfair by saying that "you should parent the child you created". I would appreciate it that people who make judgments like these on other people do some research and self-reflection. Do you know what can come out of your own body? Do you really? If not, do volunteer work at a disabled institution. It can truly be a depressing and horrifying experience. I am not joking. Then after that, you can take a look around you at all the children in the world that are created by human beings and ask yourself, would you parent all of them if you gave birth to one of them?

I haven't met a person who has taken care of the same disabled persons I have who has said, yes, I would keep one of these persons if they were born to me.

Well, as a matter of fact, I *do* have a beautiful son who just celebrated his first birthday who has Down syndrome. And yes, I am fully taking care of him. I sat by his bed in the NICU for 6 weeks, I pumped breast milk for 4 months until he learned to nurse, I changed his colostomy bag for 5 months until he had pull-through surgery, and I have spent most of my days over the past year shuttling him between drs. and therapy appts. He was also a 33-weeker, has Hirschprung's disease, a VSD (which miraculously closed on its own), and an ASD. I am so proud of all that he has overcome in his first year of life, and I am completely confident that he will live a meaningful, productive, and fulfilling life. His smile lights up the room and melts the hearts of all who see it. You didn't specify the diagnosis of the pts. to whom you are referring, but if some of them have T21 I think it is important to consider that a baby born today with access to early intervention services as an infant has a far different prognosis than those who are adults now who were deprived of a stimulating and engaging environment as infants and children.

At our local community college, there are currently 10 students with T21 getting their associates degrees. Adults with T21 are capable of living independently, working productively, having active social lives, and getting married. The parents who have older children, and adult siblings I have met have all emphatically stated that they love their family member unconditionally and the experience has made them stronger and better people. My son is not a burden, but a joy--and it does make me physically sick to think that many don't see his life as worthy of living. Especially because there is actually a waiting list of people specifically interested in adopting a child with Down syndrome.

Obviously there are many other conditions with far more difficult outcomes. And, yes, I have spent most of the past year researching and reflecting on what I would do with other diagnosis. In a future pg. my risk for a recurrence of a chromosomal abnormality would be 1%. So, I feel that I have to think now about what I would do if a baby I was carrying had Trisomy 13 or 18, for example. I would never presume to judge someone who terminated for a truly lethal condition (Down syndrome is clearly is not in this category)--however all of the many stories I have read from parents who have been there, have led me to conclude that those who choose to continue the pg. have the greatest sense of peace about the loss. But regardless, I can say with certainty, after countless hours of careful thought and deliberation, that for me, yes you should parent the child you chose to create.

Here is a hypothetical situation: lets say during a pg. you had a crystal ball that would show that when your child was 2, they would develop a terrible deadly disease, or that when your child was 4 they would be in an accident and suffer severe brain damage...would you terminate? The point is that there are no guarantees in life, even with seemingly healthy children...

For me this is deeply personal, and I feel pity for those who deprive themselves of the opportunity to grow in ways they never could imagine as a result of accepting and embracing the children God gives them.

Shannon

PS In my former life I was a special ed. teacher, so I do have personal experience with people with various disabilities in addition to T21.