When a Mom Miscarries

[CountryMomma]

Having overheard some really insensitive, stupid remarks about miscarriages lately, I would like to share something with all of my Facebook friends. Especially my friends who are medical professionals.

In between Jaylen and Matthew, I had a miscarriage at 7 weeks 6 days. It started with spotting. It slowly progressed to a steady trickle of blood. I had no cramping, no pain, no symptoms of a miscarriage at all. The MD I saw first said there was nothing I could do to prevent a miscarriage if it was one, and to go home and wait. WAIT. I was bleeding away a baby that I had already met on an ultrasound screen, and it was like a ******* Zen lesson from the MD.

Lesson one: do not pat a mom (who is scared and unsure) on the hand and tell her to be patient. To wait at home. To wonder, each time she goes to the bathroom, if she's going to be pregnant tomorrow or if this is the last time she can dream that dream.

The other MD at the practice I was at took pity on my panic. She called me and said I could come in for an ultrasound to assess the situation and see if anything could be determined about my slow but steady bleeding. I made the hour drive to the clinic and waited in the lobby, surrounded by big, smiling mommies-to-be, feeling even more scared and even jealous, because there were ladies with big healthy pregnancies, and here I was, no one could even tell I had a baby I was losing.

Lesson two: if you have a miscarrying mom, please don't pop her into the lobby with all of your healthy, term mommies. Have an office or exam room ready. Offer staff or ask the mom to bring family/friends.

I eventually was called back for the ultrasound. The tech was very kind and did her job quickly and smoothly. When she identified the beating heart, she showed me the screen, counted the rate, and assured me that a good heartbeat like that was 95% positive for a healthy pregnancy. She quieted down and began frowning once she started measuring the rest of the baby's structures. The gestational sac was a week behind the rest of the measurements, but she wouldn't say anything else.

Lesson three: Please. Do not offer empty statements like "Oh a heartbeat's a good sign!" or "I think this baby looks great!" when the woman is being referred because of bleeding, cramping, or other early pregnancy loss risks.

I went home for the weekend, hopeful that the bleeding was a little hitch in the road and that it would resolve, just like the tech mentioned. Everyone is in such a hurry to reassure moms that bleeding in early pregnancy is often not a fatal issue. The MD glossed over the gestational sac issue and just said she couldn't predict the future, she wished us the best, and that I was to call if the bleeding changes or I develop cramping.

That Monday, I got up with Jaylen, bent over to get dressed, and felt a woosh.

I lost my baby.

I called the nurse in tears. She was so kind. So patient. She asked if I was able to bring any of the tissue I passed to the clinic, so they could do testing and try to help me figure out what had happened. I did. It was one of the most heartbreaking actions of my life.

I had to go back, give the nurse the rest of my lost baby, and have another ultrasound done to make sure I didn't have anything left, retained, that could kill me. I had the same ultrasound tech. She was very somber. I was very angry. I was hurt. I hadn't fully grasped the finality of this last ultrasound. Ultrasounds are supposed to be happy times when you are pregnant. They are supposed to be a time to meet the baby, see the wonder of life in your baby bump, build your dreams. They aren't, in any mommy's ideas, a time to confirm, without a doubt, that you aren't a mommy-to-be anymore. I couldn't believe I had just been here, less than a week ago, with that same stupid tech telling me I was a part of the 95% with a reassuring heartbeat. Now she was showing me my empty womb. I was the 5%. The anger and injustice I felt from that one ******* "statistic" did so much damage to my grieving.

Lesson four: When mommies have a couple different negative signs going on (in my case, bleeding, partially opened cervix, and small gestational sac) STOP SAYING STUPID PLATITUDES. Women are not skittish stupid animals that must be lied to. They need the truth. If there's a good chance she's going to lose her baby, tell her that. She'll find that sliver of hope, but she'll also begin the slow, painful process of thinking through the loss of her baby before she ever had the chance to hold it. Feel it. Name it.

The worst part of the miscarriage, for me, was that I felt no pain. I had no cramping. It was like I had just had a flushing handle installed in my uterus, and I went from pregnant to not pregnant with one flush of my womb. No pain, no symptoms. Like it meant nothing to my body. Staff kept offering me pain medications, like percocet and norcos, fretting that I didn't have to suffer for nothing. Their focus on treating my (nonexistent) pain made me feel even worse. Like something was completely wrong with me. Incompetent of carrying my own baby.

Lesson five: LISTEN. Listen to the mom. Listen to the friends and family of the mom. If she says she doesn't have pain, reassure her that this is not abnormal or a failure, tell her its okay to not have pain. If she's feeling ashamed or guilty, sit down and show her why it isn't her fault. Listen to her explain how she's a horrible person and then build her back up and validate her experiences. Miscarriages are still wrapped in shame and misinformation. Women aren't usually told the reasons behind their miscarriage, and they will find or make a reason. Because the mommies aren't able to hear the real, medical reason for their miscarriage, they will take the blame, make their actions the cause. There is no correction, and her family and friends won't know either, which leads to a vicious cycle of blame, guilt, and shame.

I had a family that took care of me. Even though they couldn't see the baby I had lost, they couldn't see the emotional pain I was in, they stayed with me, cried with me, and loved me. Many women aren't that lucky.

Short list: Don't assume. Don't lie. Don't say stupid zen things to make yourself feel better at the mom's expense. Don't be afraid to cry. Listen. Educate. And always be aware, and be available.

I hope this can help others. Please be aware.

[bagface]

I am so sorry for your loss. My husband and I have had multiple miscarriages and one ectopic. The hardest part about the ectopic was after years of trying to conceive we had to willingly terminate the baby we spent so long to conceive. We've undergone fertility treatments - everything short of IVF (but we will be starting that next July thank the Lord!).

Nothing makes the pain of infertility away. Nothing takes away the pain of losing a child you so deeply longed for. I still have little charms/memories of when I was pregnant with each child and save them in a special place. I also pray to the children I've lost frequently and tell them I still think of them and love them. A mother's love is eternal, regardless if you held them in your arms or not, you held them in your heart.

I hope your days get easier and your able to carry again soon. Good luck to you and your husband.

[SionainnRN]

Sorry for your loss. Perhaps you can offer these suggestions to that OB office so that another women will not experience the same thing.

I do believe they did there best but when you are in that situation everything is so palpable and can easily outrage you.

Turn your anger into something positive.

Exactly! And no two people are the same. The OP said don't be afraid to cry, if my nurse cried while I was miscarrying I would be so uncomfortable. Some may find it comforting, others find it unprofessional. That's what makes nursing so hard is trying to help while not offending, and not knowing what is going to make the pt feel better. The staff was doing their best and as long as they didn't do anything malicious to offend, I don't see anything wrong with them.

[ktwlpn, LPN]

I'm sorry for your loss, I've been there too. As a palliative/hospice nurse in LTC I have seen plenty of loss at both ends of the spectrum, my own and the patients I care for. When one is devastated it's easy to focus on any careless remark or even to inflate a remark and think you heard something you did not. It's called complicated grieving-it's so much easier to turn that anger away and focus on it than to start working on the anger and hurt related to your loss.

[tokmom, BSN, RN]

I'm soo sorry and I understand that anger and pain. I have suffered four miscarriages. One at 6 weeks, 12 weeks and two at 18 weeks. None were easy and all tore my heart out of my body. Some of the stupid comments from the office staff to family members and co-workers were downright stupid and heartless.

Unless a person has had a m/c, they honestly do not understand. They don't get what it's like to see blood on a tissue after going to the bathroom, or praying after you wipe that there isn't any blood and what you saw was a fluke. Some think m/c are a blessing, because the body knows that something isn't right with the baby, so the body aborts. I actually had a family member tell me I should be happy that I m/c'd at 18 weeks (first time), because I wouldn't have a idiot for a child.

I had bleeding with the 6 and 12 week m/c and NOTHING with my two 18 weeks. I went in for routine exams and the MD could not find a heart beat. The first doc turned to me and said "Your baby is dead," handed me a Kleenex, and told me to pass the "tissue" at home. Instead I went to another MD who I knew who did a d/c. Like you mentioned, HE did all the RIGHT things. He let me come in the back door, and I left the office that way as well. The nurses were clued in at the hospitals and I was greeted with hugs. I was allowed to mourn and it made all the difference in the world.

Sorry about the rambling, but I so get it. I really do. Big hugs to you.

[Elvish, BSN, DNP, RN, NP]

I've had an early miscarriage as well, 6ish weeks. Four years down the road (mine was 8/24/10), I can look back and say it is one of the weirdest kinds of pain to have to explain to people. I had well-meaning people say all kinds of things to me that are on the classic 'don't-say-this-to-a-grieving-person' list. I was irrationally angry at pregnant women and crying babies, and it seemed like everywhere I went for the first week after, I was within arms' reach of one or the other.

There were also a boatload of people who reached out to me and that's what I had to hang on to. Men and women I never knew had carried the pain of miscarriage (or for the men, their wives' losses) with them reached out to me with their hugs and their presence. For my own sake I had to let go of the well-meaning but devastatingly unhelpful comments and cling to those who just sat with me while I grieved.

One of the best bits of advice and support was from a fellow AN member (brownbook, wherever you are, thank you! xoxo). She said to remember that when people say the wrong thing to you (and they have/will), remember it is because they desperately wanted to say the right thing. That didn't make the hurt go away but it did keep me from slapping the offenders.

I'm so sorry you've experienced this loss. May you find peace.

[firstinfamily, RN]

My daughter just finished getting her ultrasound certificate. I am going to share this with her so she understands how devastating what a tech says can be. She knows she is not allowed to say anything about the testing she does, but just in case. No one likes to give bad news, it could be the tech was just hoping there was a baby there. Most likely the tech also did not know enough to put all the clues together and come up with the miscarriage diagnosis.

[tokmom, BSN, RN]

I'm sorry for your loss, I've been there too. As a palliative/hospice nurse in LTC I have seen plenty of loss at both ends of the spectrum, my own and the patients I care for. When one is devastated it's easy to focus on any careless remark or even to inflate a remark and think you heard something you did not. It's called complicated grieving-it's so much easier to turn that anger away and focus on it than to start working on the anger and hurt related to your loss.

I have to disagree with this to a point. That tech should NOT have said what she did about a 95% chance of a successful pg when a person comes in bleeding. That was very careless of her and the OP has a right to be a tad bit irritated with the comment. Unless you have lost a child, you can't even begin to understand how frivolous people can treat a m/c.

[SionainnRN]

I have to disagree with this to a point. That tech should NOT have said what she did about a 95% chance of a successful pg when a person comes in bleeding. That was very careless of her and the OP has a right to be a tad bit irritated with the comment. Unless you have lost a child, you can't even begin to understand how frivolous people can treat a m/c.

I get where you're coming from, but if the stats show that bleeding at X weeks has a 95% chance of going full term, wouldn't it be helpful for the pt to know that? I personally don't think the tech should have said anything, just like we nurses don't say anything until the doc tells them first, but if it was a truthful statement I don't think there's anything wrong with it.

But again, everyone finds different things comforting in times like those and it's hard to know who would find what helpful. We can only do our best.

[tokmom, BSN, RN]

I get where you're coming from, but if the stats show that bleeding at X weeks has a 95% chance of going full term, wouldn't it be helpful for the pt to know that? I personally don't think the tech should have said anything, just like we nurses don't say anything until the doc tells them first, but if it was a truthful statement I don't think there's anything wrong with it.

But again, everyone finds different things comforting in times like those and it's hard to know who would find what helpful. We can only do our best.

Those 95% are the ones with light pink spotting, a normal sized pg/ yolk sac, climbing HCG and progesterone levels. If I had all of those be WNL, give me some hope but tell me to be watchful.

[klone, MSN, RN]

I remember after I had my miscarriage (a very wanted, planned pregnancy), I must have told someone (not sure who) that I didn't want to talk about it, that having my coworkers say anything about it would cause me to break down. That must have gone around, because I remember on my first shifts back at work, lots of squeezes on my shoulder and just kind smiles, but no comments. That was amazingly helpful to me. I hate crying in front of other people. 8 years later, I still remember those kindnesses, and appreciate it.

[SionainnRN]

I remember after I had my miscarriage (a very wanted, planned pregnancy), I must have told someone (not sure who) that I didn't want to talk about it, that having my coworkers say anything about it would cause me to break down. That must have gone around, because I remember on my first shifts back at work, lots of squeezes on my shoulder and just kind smiles, but no comments. That was amazingly helpful to me. I hate crying in front of other people. 8 years later, I still remember those kindnesses, and appreciate it.

If I were your coworker it would have been great to know what you wanted. There's nothing worse than trying to help and end up making it worse. Good for you for not only know what you needed but for letting others know. I'm sorry for your loss.

[Nurse SMS, MSN, RN]

I have never had a miscarriage and I cannot fathom at all how all of you who have lost babies in pregnancy feel. I have absolutely no idea. I have, however, lost a son 13 years after his birth and understand grief very, very well.

I am so sorry for your pain and for the dream you lost when the life you would have had with this baby abruptly went away. I hope time brings you peace, wisdom, inner strength and outer courage. Sending you love and light.