What does it take to earn respect?

CountyRat · Apr 4, 2012

First, how are you doing in terms of self-respect? A little shakey there? Still not completely sure that you are as good as they come? No, I am NOT blaming the victim, not at all, so please do not flame me as if I was doing that when I am not! My only point is that handling a bully requires confidence, and it is O.K. to recognize that you could use a little help bolstering yours, if that is the case.

Second, when some bully starts yelling at you, DO NOT RETREAT! Stand right where you are, face him or her, and look him or her straight in the eye. KEEP YOUR HEAD UP and stand up straight; DO NOT SLOUCH! (Footnote: I am assuming that the bully is just a jerk and not a physical threat. If he or she is a threat, forget the "stand right where you are" thing, run like hell, and get security up there STAT). I know that these posture techniques are hard when you are "under fire," and it will feel a little scary to do it. How do you overcome fear? Simple; act like a fearless person, even if you are faking. Pretend that you are an actress in a play playing the role of an Amazon wariortress.

Third, do not try to shut him or her up, and do not answer any of his or her questions or respond to any of his or her statements, not even if they respond by screaming loader. Just stand there and let him or her rattle on (for now). Wait for them to stop briefly. They will, trust me, even if only because they will be confused by the fact that you are not playing the victim role as they expected you to.

Forth, when they stop to take a breath, make your voice calm, loud enough to be clearly heard, but not shouting, and lower the pitch of your voice as low as is comfortable for you and say, in a slow, monotonous rhythm something like, "Doctor, this is not a personal matter. I need to talk with you about the care of our (be sure to say "our") patient. Is this a good time to talk or should I call you later?" These are not magic words. There are dozens of other tactics that you can use at this point. The critical thing is:

1. Unless it is truly a medical emergency, do NOT address any of his or her questions, or respond to any of his or her statements until he or she earns those responses from you by behaving properly (or att least, better).

2. Maintain eye contact and stay where you are standing, with your shoulders back, chest out, and head high, facing him or her, regardless of how he or she responds initially. His or her response will change, just continue to pretend that you are calm and brave, and wait him or her to run out of steam. Do not skip this step. Your posture is essential, for both the way it will unbalance the bully, and the way it will enable you to act strong even if you feel afraid. It is O.K. to feel afraid, but not O.K. to act afraid. (Again, if you feel physically threatened, get out of Dodge the quickest way you can.)

3. If all of the above are ineffective, tell the doctor where you are going, and then invite him or her to follow you. Ignore the bully’s reaction (it will almost certainly be nasty, but just ignore it), turn and start walking. (Notice how you are now taking control of the physical environment? This is tactically important.) Go immediately to somewhere where there are other people. At least one other person, any person, though more than one is better, when possible. Turn back toward the bully, and ask, in that same low, slow, monotonously calm voice, "can we discuss patient _______ now?" (PS: the side benefits are greater safety for you, and at least one, preferably more, witnesses. However, the primary effect is that you have taken control of the environment.)

4. If he or she continues to act out go to the nearest telephone and call nursing administration. Tell them you have an urgent problem and need an administrator STAT. If the bully tries to take up the attack again, tell him or her that the administrator will be there soon "to help us handle this properly." Mean it when you say it, and repeat it as many times as you must.

Again, I am not blaming the victim! However, "victim" is a role, just as "bully" is a role. For the bully to play his or her role, he or she requires someone to play the role of victim. If no one will "play the game" properly, the game cannot go on very long. DO NOT PLAY THAT ROLE no matter how scared or awkward you feel! You might be very surprised how much it will confuse, and then de-escalate, the person trying to use you as someone to play the part of his or her "team mate" in the bully game.

Best wishes; now hold your head up high and give `em hell, girl! YOU are now the one in control and you will not relinquish that control, whether the bully changes his or her behavior or not.

Merlyn · Apr 4, 2012

To the OP, I can offer you understanding and my old .45 and an alibi. Seriously, I was yelled at once by a Doctor. This knot head yelled at me in front of Staff, Patients, and other Doctors. After he shouted for about 10 minutes that I was everything but a Child of God. I said to him I may be all those things but at lease when I make my wife happy, she doesn't light up the neon sign over the bed reading, "A great miracle happen here." The other Doctors laugh this clown off the floor. Even the grumpy, old head of surgery for the hospital laugh. The yelling idiot never spoke to me again.

leslie :-D · Apr 4, 2012

First, how are you doing in terms of self-respect? A little shakey there? Still not completely sure that you are as good as they come? No, I am NOT blaming the victim, not at all, so please do not flame me as if I was doing that when I am not! My only point is that handling a bully requires confidence, and it is O.K. to recognize that you could use a little help bolstering yours, if that is the case.

the bolded - in a nutshell.

perhaps a tad too simplistic for some, but truer words never spoken.

if you genuinely see yourself as one who is worthy, as one who holds value...

all other relationships will fall into place.

with self-respect, you know you don't deserve to be treated as an inferior, secondary peon.

therefore, you just wouldn't allow it.

walking away from one's fury, usually sends an effective message.

when i observe people acting like idiots, it's hard for me to take it personally when i perceive it to be their problem, not mine.

i guess my point is, if you work on increasing your self-esteem to the point where you expect to be treated with due civility, then your biggest problem is deciding how to interact with him/her...

which is a heck of a lot easier than dealing with these jerks AND feeling insecure simultaneously.

you've received lots of sound advice.

but what countyrat says about self-respect....please, that warrants lots of consideration...

because w/o it (self-respect), you are subject to at least twice the struggles of daily living, if not more.

it doesn't happen overnight, but take it from one who has walked the walk.

there is no feeling that compares to embracing oneself - truly loving and respecting oneslef... flaws and all.

it is so true that no one can make you feel any certain way - you're the one in charge and no one else.

don't give anyone else that power over you.

leslie

Babs0512 · Apr 4, 2012

I agree with so many of the posters, so I won't belabor the point. I too have been in this situation, (we all have!) I stood my ground until he stopped ranting, and I quietly said "Our discussion is over, I will not be spoken to in this manner, take it up with my Nurse Manager." I calmly walked away. He was always civil to me after that. He made a fool out of himself, and he knew it. I stayed calm, respectful and professional - but inside I wanted to slap him silly!

Remember, his unprofessional behavior is HIS problem, not yours. Always hold your head up high, treat others as you would want to be treated, and the Doc's eventually catch on.

Ruby Vee, BSN · Apr 4, 2012

i have been a nurse for 30 years and have done anything and everything to advocate for my patients.
why can a doctor.. scream at me ...when i ask for their guidance in a patient care issue?

because you let them?

CountyRat · Apr 4, 2012

if you genuinely see yourself as one who is worthy, as one who holds value...

all other relationships will fall into place.

with self-respect, you know you don't deserve to be treated as an inferior, secondary peon.

therefore, you just wouldn't allow it.

leslie

Exactly right, Leslie! To be a victim is to agree to play the role of victim. I was afraid to say it in my post, for fear of getting flamed, but I think that sometimes, some of us are abused by docs because, when they play the bully role, we have this little voice inside of us that says "you should play the victim role now; you deserve to play the victim role." I speak from experience. I have had to learn how to do this because I am aflicted with that little voice. However, I have learned that the secret to responding to a bully is learning to tell that little voice to go straight to Hell!, and really mean it, and then play the role of the man or woman who holds power because he or she has earned the right to hold it, and the bully has not.

Over-the-hill-Nurse · Apr 5, 2012

When I was working in the field before I retired, I never let a doctor get by with yelling at me. I would politely tell him that I will be back when he is finished his temper tantram to discuss his patient's issues/concerns. And walked away. This did one or two things 1)it made the doctor madder and he left or 2) it shut him up monemtarily with his mouth hanging open staring at my back as I moved away from him. I am happy to say that for the most part, it shut them up. I would come back and ask if we could now focus on his patients. Which he did in a demure manner. I thanked him when we were done and tell him to have a nice day. Standing up to them does work. If they think that you will just stand there and listen and not say anything, it just gives them more to rant about. So do tell him when he is finished with his outburst that you will come back to the issues at hand. At the end of our discussion, I will tell them that I do not condone "bullying" in the work place. We are all here for the benefit of the patient. Then I shook his hand and told him to have a great day.

We had such a doc that would not stop yelling at anyone who was there out in the nurses station and he got down right nasty. We finally started calling our head nurse to let her deal with him. and in turn hospital security would also be notified to be on stand-by to escort him downstairs to the CEO's office. Bullying should not be allowed by any fellow employee, regardless of what their role is. We are all there to do the same work. I am a staunch believer in "NO BULLYING" in the workplace period. Doctors do not have a right to scream and yell at the nurses. Without those nurses, his patients would be in a mess. The Docs need to be reminded that we are their ears, eyes, and all the other things we do, and without us, they would still be doing grunt work.... taking their own vitals, giving their own bedbaths, doing their own med pass, etc.... this reminds them of all the jobs we as nurses do to make their own visiting round go smoother.

I also do not refrain from calling a doctor in the middle of the night either. That's why they get paid the big bucks...I generally start out with "I am sorry to call at such early hours but Mr. so and so is having some difficulty that you should be aware of. For the most part, it gentles their need to yell at you. (not all of them but..)If they can't be in a better frame of mind, I do what others have said, I will call them back when they have had a chance to wake up and focus on the issue at hand. These things do work. I have done it this way for over 20 years. Once docs find out that they are intimidating you, they will continue with the behavior, if they get stopped midway and they figure it out quicker and will stop and apologize. After a few times of doing it, they won't forget it. And the good thing is it stops. If everyone does things this way, he will stop that annoying behavior of a 2 year old.

Guest219794 · Apr 5, 2012

A few thoughts:

Take the word "doctor" out of the equation. This persons schooling and vocation are irrelevant. Deal with him as you would any abusive jerk.

This is bullying. Bullying can only happen when their is a perceived power difference. Does this peson truly have power over you? I work in a hospital, which means I work for the hospital, not the doctor.

Next time, record it. Camera phone, whatever. Don't even hide the fact that you are recording it. Just stay completely calm and rational, despite his temper tantrum. This will probably cause him to escalate, on tape. From that point, there are a number of creative ways to deal with it.

BTW- this is a male/female thing. I am 49 with life experience outside of nursing, and am physically fit at 190 lbs. I don't get yelled at. Sure, there are some instances where guys get bullied, but it is a lot less common. I don't get bullied in any aspect of my life- Why on earth would I allow it at work?

Good luck with this moron.

cdsga · Apr 5, 2012

I keep thinking about Taxi Driver...."You talkin' to me???-you talkin' to me????" HAHAHAA.

CGB1 · Apr 7, 2012

I am sorry to hear that people are being abused like that. I am a nurse of only one year, and a guy. I have not seen this kind of behavior, but I wouldn't tolerate it, nor would I tolerate an MD speaking to a coworker like that. I think if you have a disrespectful doc on the floor and he is yelling at a nurse, all your co-workers should gather around stand behind that nurse, fold their arms and just stare at him/her. Don't say a thing. Just....stare. I think it would fizzle out quick. We need each others backs. We are the frontline.

Merlyn · Apr 7, 2012

Next time a doctor talks to you like that, give him a good knee to the .... and say "I can't stop looking at lights. You will be amazed at the kind way people talk to you. Seriously do something. Don't take that from a bastard like that.

clhrn73 · Apr 8, 2012

That type of behavior is not acceptable and I hope your institution has a process in place to report this MD. We're are skilled professionals, not door mats!