17 week gestation

NurseforPreggers · Sep 10, 2005

Stephanie in FL said:
I am an RN, but not in OB. I am in FL and a friend in AL called me today with terrible news. His wife's water broke Wed night. This is (was) 17 weeks gestation for the fetus. He said that labor was being induced today since there is no amniotic sac. Can someone tell me a little more about what she is going through so I can know how to emotionally support my friend? Is this considered a miscarriage or stillbirth? Do the parents usually see the baby after delivery? Do the parents have to determing whether they want burial or cremation? Thanks in advance for the answers to these terrible questions. I am feeling so bad for my friend and his wife. What an awful situation for them. Please keep them in your prayers. Thanks again!
Stephanie RN

In the state of Alabama, (I don't know about other places) this would be considered a miscarriage. Many parents do see and hold their babies after delivery. Others don't, its just a matter of personal preference. Parents are encourage to hold, name, dress their babies. This can help the grief process. They certainly aren't forced to do so however. In Alabama, you do not have to bury the child before 20 weeks gestation. Parents may certainly choose to do so, however it is not required. The alternative is disposal by the hospital laboratory. At my hospital we take pictures for the parents if they desire, we also like to do footprints or handprints if possible. The mother may choose to be cared for in a postpartum room, or on our med/surg floor after delivery. Most choose med/surg. I'm very sorry for your friend's loss. I hope my reply does not sound uncaring, I just wanted to provide you with the information you requested.

daisybaby, LPN · Sep 10, 2005

If your hospital has a L&D unit, stop in and inquire about bereavement services. The staff there can point you in the right direction. We have printed material that is geared toward family and friends who aren't sure of 'the right things' to say or do (I'm off for 4 days otherwise I'd arrange to get it to you).

There are a lot of web resources as well. A google search should net you the info you seek. I'd name some sites but I'm fried from a 14-hour day.

Many parents who experience perinatal loss remark that family and friends do not acknowledge their loss (often for fear of upsetting them or saying the 'wrong thing'). Even at 17 weeks, this is their child, their baby, not just a fetus. Above all, let your friends know you are there for them, as much or as little as needed.

I'm so sorry your friends are experiencing this. My thoughts are with them.

breastfeedingRN · Sep 10, 2005

my friend lost a baby at 17 weeks and it was very hard. hopefully they have a good bereavement program and they made a memory album for them. some parents choose to hold their baby, others don't. my friend didn't and then wished she had later, but she was thankful for the memory book they made for her.

here are some websites for you.

https://www.miscarriageassociation.org.uk/

I think the fact that you want to be sensitive and are searching out how is great. She is lucky to have a friend like you.

Here is what an online friend wrote about what to do and not do...

Do

- Call the baby by name (if it was named) - this validates the parents and the love that they have for their child.

- Send a card, flowers or a note of support

- Call the couple and ask how they're feeling

- Bring up the baby - you won't cause them to be sad, they're already sad and need to talk about it.

Don't

- Say they have an angel in heaven - many parents wanted that angel here on earth

- Say it was 'God's will'. Even if the person is deeply spiritual, this can leave them feeling angry or questioning.

- Tell them the can just have another or at least they can get pregnant - comments like this really hurt! Even if they do have another baby, they wanted THIS baby and have the right to be sad and mourn the loss.

Aneroo, LPN · Sep 10, 2005

Excellent advice. Recently had this happen to a due date buddy on another board I go to, only she was 19wks.

I believe anything prior to 20 weeks is considered a miscarriage. -Andrea

SmilingBluEyes · Sep 10, 2005

Breastfeeding RN, BRAVO! What a wonderful post.

These folks need bereavement counseling and a lot of caring/compassionate nursing/medical care.

Be careful of terminology---miscarriage or abortion---it's a horrendous loss. I would refer to it as that. And DO NOT BACK AWAY FROM asking about things, their loss, referring to this as their baby. They lost a child, a dream, a perception of their future there. It's just huge. Just be there all you can.

I can't tell you how sorry I am to read this sad, sad news. I feel so horribly for that family.

SmilingBluEyes · Sep 10, 2005

I have some good books to recommend, if/when the grieving parents are ready. They helped me thru multiple 1st and 2nd trimester losses. BreastfeedingRN provided you some amazing sources...I think I may just "sticky" them.

JaneyW · Sep 10, 2005

A 17 weeker is a baby. A baby that you can tell the gender of. A baby that you can touch feel and hold. I have delivered a couple of 'miscarriages' of this gestation and it is heartbreaking. With one I was able to get some good hand and foot prints. The other had been gone a few days and the skin was too far gone to do that.

At our hospital the weight determines whether or not the remains need to be buried--not the GA. I am in California. I have a friend who had a 22 week miscarriage and her main complaint is that everyone in her family just ignored the whole thing--like it never happened or wasn't a big deal. I still speak with her about it a few years later and use his name and we talk about him.

Thanks for being a good friend. Good Luck.

KaroSnowQueen, RN · Sep 10, 2005

My grandson was born at 17 weeks. He had a name and a funeral. In most places the parents are given the choice to do just that, or to let the hospital cremate it.

Our hospital did photos and everything. This is such a heart rending experience. I hope only the best for your friends in the weeks ahead.

Stephanie in FL · Sep 10, 2005

Thanks for everyone's replies. They have really helped me. I have not talked to my friend since I posted, but he and his wife have been constantly on my mind. I appreciate you all taking the time to respond and the great advice.

Stephanie RN

MarySunshine · Sep 10, 2005

I lost twins at 23 weeks. I agree with what others have posted. One thing I found very hard is that I have pictures of the boys, who I think are beautiful and perfect (they were very healthy for their gestation) but because they do not look like full-term babies I feel I can't show others their picture. I feel protective of them and terrified that someone would think they looked weird or freaky. I would love to be able to show someone the pictures who saw the beauty in them. Does this make any sense (sorry if it doesn't)?

Acknowledgement of the loss and not downplaying it are the most important things. It's been four years for me, and I think everyone except for myself and my husband has forgotten about it. But occasionally my husband's little brother or sister (in their teens) will say something...like one time I heard the brother telling a friend how he was actually an uncle and considered himself such, even though his nephews had died. That meant a lot to me. It feels good to know people remember. I suggest sending cards on the anniversaries of the loss...I have one friend who does this. Really meaningful.

breastfeedingRN · Sep 10, 2005

MarySunshine said:
I lost twins at 23 weeks. I agree with what others have posted. One thing I found very hard is that I have pictures of the boys, who I think are beautiful and perfect (they were very healthy for their gestation) but because they do not look like full-term babies I feel I can't show others their picture. I feel protective of them and terrified that someone would think they looked weird or freaky. I would love to be able to show someone the pictures who saw the beauty in them. Does this make any sense (sorry if it doesn't)?
Acknowledgement of the loss and not downplaying it are the most important things. It's been four years for me, and I think everyone except for myself and my husband has forgotten about it. But occasionally my husband's little brother or sister (in their teens) will say something...like one time I heard the brother telling a friend how he was actually an uncle and considered himself such, even though his nephews had died. That meant a lot to me. It feels good to know people remember. I suggest sending cards on the anniversaries of the loss...I have one friend who does this. Really meaningful.

That makes complete sense. on another board where I post, some of the mom's who have lost their babies have posted pictures. I don't think anyone has said anything but how beautiful they were. I even think the pics of babies in utero are beautiful as it is human life. I am sure your babies were beautiful and thanks for sharing your experience. it is much like the feelings expressed by the moms on our loss board and I am sure your post will help someone here as well to be supportive to someone who has lost a baby.

Hugs to all those who have lost babies.

17 week gestation

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