Unsupportive fiance...not sure what to do

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Okay so I know this is a lot to read but I really am desperate and not sure what to do anymore...So my "fiance" and I have been together almost 4 years now. Fiance is in quotes because we have done absolutely nothing about planning a wedding let alone even discuss it. We both still live with our parents (we are both 24) and I just started an accelerated Bachelors in Nursing program. He gets upset when we don't spend a lot of time together (he was that way before I started Nursing School) and it doesn't help that we both work full time, opposite shifts. I feel like he's not supportive at all and it's almost like he wishes I wasn't in Nursing school. I know it's just going to get way more stressful and time consuming and really don't know what to do. I need time to study and even just some "me" time every once in a while. We have been together so long and I don't know what to do anymore....any advice?

Specializes in NICU, ICU, PICU, Academia.

Start by being honest with yourself: If you don't have a ring and a date- he's a boyfriend, not a fiance'. Now, go back to your post and insert the word 'boyfriend' in each place where you refer to this person.

Pretty sure he's not worth it as a boyfriend.

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Specializes in Pediatrics, Emergency, Trauma.
He gets upset when you don't spend a lot of time together what happens when you're working 12-hour shifts, opposite of his? What happens when you have kids and your attention is focused on them? What happens when...... the possibilities are endless. Not to minimize, but you guys are SO young. I dated a guy seriously ("fiance" in quotes there as well) for 4 years and during college we both realized we were different people at the end and separating was the best thing we ever did. Not saying thats the case here, but if you're advancing yourself and he's sitting in the same place, is this what you want forever?[/quote']

THIS...is sooo SPOT ON.

Think about that pattern of behavior...not worth the time...hit the books and FLY...there are plenty with less stress and more support. :yes:

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Specializes in NICU.
I agree with a lot of the previous posters. If he isn't supportive now, he likely never will be. Ladies tend to hope for the best and wait/hope for these types of guys to come around and a lot of times they don't. Appreciate what time you had together. Enjoy what you've learned about what qualities you do and do not want in a partner...and move on if he doesn't "get it". Nursing school is all-consuming and you don't need someone messing with your success.

Good luck!

Never ever think that you can change him, the only hope is that it is an immaturity issue and he will grow out of it, but at age 24 you should see those changes already. The big red flag that I see is that at age 24 he is still living at home, that delays maturity.

My honest advise coming from a couple of decades of life experience is that if he doesn't get 100% supportive of you quickly, dump him. I have been in your place and stayed in way too long in a relationship just because we have been together for so long. There are plenty of men (such as soldiernurse22's man) out there that would move mountains to make sure that you have what you need to succeed, including letting you study and have "me" time.

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I absolutely understand how it feels to have had that boyfriend for years, feel unable to even think about the idea of being without him, and maybe even be a little bit afraid of what would happen if I left him. So let me tell you what happens.

He verrrrrrryyy gradually removes all your socialization with your friends that he doesn't know, because he "wants to be with you all the time," until one day you discover you have no friends of your own to depend on for opinions, fun, venting, or safety, and you feel lonely even when you are with him. He controls your work and study time, so you don't achieve what you could and what you really wanted to achieve, because he "wants to be with you all the time," and you find yourself thinking less of yourself because you are stuck in a rut you can't seem to see out of because he stands in front of your face at every turn. There are good times, but there are not so many. Every day is not an occasion for joy. One day you notice it's been weeks or months since the last time you heard "I love you" or soft eyes, not controlling ones.

Years pass. One day ... well, everyone finds their own limits, and mine was that I began to experience that control in physical ways that threatened my kids (yeah, by then we had kids). And me. Many women leave abusers/controllers (because yes, that's what your boyfriend is in the beginning stages of, by many accounts) for their children's sake, and only after that discover that being free of that person wasn't doing them any damn harm either. They are afraid to leave, because the unknown future is scarier than the known present even if the future could have lots of great joy and accomplishment in it and the present isn't too damn good. This way lies madness. They leave, and the air is freer, the sunshine brighter, the future no longer obscured.

I know 24 doesn't seem like it, but believe us, you are young. You have a lot of your youth ahead of you. A man who really loves you wants the best for you, wants you to be your best self, props you up rather than tears you down, doesn't make himself feel big by making you feel small. You don't live with him, so you don't have to move. Break up with him. Now. See a free counselor at the local women's shelter, because they can help you enormously to get over your feelings of insecurity and fear, and give you language to use when he complains at you. He won't like it. Tough. He is not helping you be your best self because he loves you, is he? Who wants to spend a life like that?

I met and married my present husband more than two decades ago, seventeen years after my first wedding and four years after my divorce. He tells me every day how beautiful and accomplished I am (I am not remarkably good looking, but I have accomplished a lot since I left the loser :) ), helped me raise my children and loves my grandchildren, and supports me in my work and everything I do. Both of us think we got the better deal and we wake up laughing every morning. Do not settle for less. You deserve better. You do.

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Specializes in NICU.
Both of us think we got the better deal

That sums it up in one sentence. Find someone in which both of you think that their partner is a better person than they are. :yes::yes::yes:

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Specializes in Forensic Psych.

Oh, I don't know. I think people are way to quick to say DUMP THE LOSER if he doesn't stand by your side every second, silently cheering you on and rubbing your feet.

Nursing school isn't just hard on us. It's hard on the ones we love. Just like we need to cut ourselves some slack and give ourselves room to breakdown, throw pity parties, and adjust, I think we need to give our kids/friends/significant that right, as well. Just like we miss them, they miss us.

I don't agree that if he's struggling now, he'll NEVER want you to succeed in anything. It's possible, but I don't know the guy. He could be a saint that just needs time, or a loser your should've dumped years ago. It's all about the pattern.

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Specializes in Acute Care, Rehab, Palliative.

Oh my, lots of good advice.You really need to listen to those who have been in your shoes( I have too) and get yourself free now.

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Oh, I don't know. I think people are way to quick to say DUMP THE LOSER if he doesn't stand by your side every second, silently cheering you on and rubbing your feet.

Nursing school isn't just hard on us. It's hard on the ones we love. Just like we need to cut ourselves some slack and give ourselves room to breakdown, throw pity parties, and adjust, I think we need to give our kids/friends/significant that right, as well. Just like we miss them, they miss us.

I don't agree that if he's struggling now, he'll NEVER want you to succeed in anything. It's possible, but I don't know the guy. He could be a saint that just needs time, or a loser your should've dumped years ago. It's all about the pattern.

Is it difficult to support someone in something that will take them away from you for a period of time? No doubt. Is it essential if that is what they feel they must do? Absolutely.

Of course, you have the potential to be right. None of us know this guy and hey, maybe he is a saint in loser's clothing. But with the aforementioned red flags and the fact that I could have written this post myself a few years ago, I seriously doubt that's what the OP is dealing with.

Like you said, it's about a pattern of behavior--being "engaged" for 4 years and not moving toward a wedding, living at home at 24 years old, a pattern of what could be classified as possessive behavior... It just smells way too familiar.

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I would have a serious sit down conversation with him about nursing school. Tell him how much of a time commitment it is, how much stress, anxiety, and studying is involved. You really do need a lot of support at this time, and I would explain exactly what that looks like. Cooking a meal, listening about your day, helping run errands, going over test questions with you. Ask him if he is realistically on board with supporting you through this endeavor. I wouldn't say end the relationship, but think long and hard about how supportive he will be now and down the line. Can you live with him being unsupportive if you decide to do something else with your career later? Unfortunately, these kinds of things don't get better. Good luck!

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I've been married for 26 years. My dh might offer his opinion but in the end he would support what I want to do because he loves me. If he didn't support something I really wanted to do, I would just do it anyway lol and he pretty much knows this by now. If he wanted to leave me for it..so be it. I would support his career goals even if I didn't think they were the best choice.

Being married or engaged is about compromise and respect for the one anothers dreams in life. You can give your opinion but as far as telling someone not to do something then that is just gonna make them want to do it more...just ask any teenager lol.

Don't live your life according to what other people want you to do go for your dreams.

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I absolutely understand how it feels to have had that boyfriend for years feel unable to even think about the idea of being without him, and maybe even be a little bit afraid of what would happen if I left him. So let me tell you what happens. He verrrrrrryyy gradually removes all your socialization with your friends that he doesn't know, because he "wants to be with you all the time," until one day you discover you have no friends of your own to depend on for opinions, fun, venting, or safety, and you feel lonely even when you are with him. He controls your work and study time, so you don't achieve what you could and what you really wanted to achieve, because he "wants to be with you all the time," and you find yourself thinking less of yourself because you are stuck in a rut you can't seem to see out of because he stands in front of your face at every turn. There are good times, but there are not so many. Every day is not an occasion for joy. One day you notice it's been weeks or months since the last time you heard "I love you" or soft eyes, not controlling ones. Years pass. One day ... well, everyone finds their own limits, and mine was that I began to experience that control in physical ways that threatened my kids (yeah, by then we had kids). And me. Many women leave abusers/controllers (because yes, that's what your boyfriend is in the beginning stages of, by many accounts) for their children's sake, and only after that discover that being free of that person wasn't doing them any damn harm either. They are afraid to leave, because the unknown future is scarier than the known present even if the future could have lots of great joy and accomplishment in it and the present isn't too damn good. This way lies madness. They leave, and the air is freer, the sunshine brighter, the future no longer obscured. I know 24 doesn't seem like it, but believe us, you are young. You have a lot of your youth ahead of you. A man who really loves you wants the best for you, wants you to be your best self, props you up rather than tears you down, doesn't make himself feel big by making you feel small. You don't live with him, so you don't have to move. Break up with him. Now. See a free counselor at the local women's shelter, because they can help you enormously to get over your feelings of insecurity and fear, and give you language to use when he complains at you. He won't like it. Tough. He is not helping you be your best self because he loves you, is he? Who wants to spend a life like that? I met and married my present husband more than two decades ago, seventeen years after my first wedding and four years after my divorce. He tells me every day how beautiful and accomplished I am (I am not remarkably good looking, but I have accomplished a lot since I left the loser :) ), helped me raise my children and loves my grandchildren, and supports me in my work and everything I do. Both of us think we got the better deal and we wake up laughing every morning. Do not settle for less. You deserve better. You do.[/quote']

This. Oh my god, this. Let's just add in the domestic judge saying that an attempted B&E is a "normal" action after a breakup. Luckily, I got my head on straight and found out what I will and will not deal with by 23.

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Specializes in Pediatrics, Emergency, Trauma.
Is it difficult to support someone in something that will take them away from you for a period of time? No doubt. Is it essential if that is what they feel they must do? Absolutely. Of course you have the potential to be right. None of us know this guy and hey, maybe he is a saint in loser's clothing. But with the aforementioned red flags and the fact that I could have written this post myself a few years ago, I seriously doubt that's what the OP is dealing with. Like you said, it's about a pattern of behavior--being "engaged" for 4 years and not moving toward a wedding, living at home at 24 years old, a pattern of what could be classified as possessive behavior... It just smells way too familiar.[/quote']

Smells VERY familiar to me as well...and I see red.

I've been in those shoes...and the WORST happened AFTER I completed PN school, working as a LPN and I was going for my BSN; this person TRIED and FAILED to disrupt my livelihood, much more to his detriment than mine-because I'm still here. :blink: ...I'll just leave it at that.

Lessons learned, fast forward from five years ago and GASP!!! Have advanced my career and had someone else beside me who supported me when I got my BSN, and the growing pains of transitioning as a new RN from an experienced LPN-it's just as painful as a new grad ;) - It is such a breath of fresh air, sometimes I get sad that I even THOUGHT the something so normal was so foreign. I have traveled the world with this individual, experienced "bucket list" situations with each other, laughed, cried, and STILL learning and growing positively and we can be busy, and meet up like old friends and be silly, or lay beside each other and not say a word, and just be close without having to be on top of each other. ;)

Our plan is to be married next year, whether it's in Hawaii, when he first proposed to me (ah, I got cold feet, lol!) or we are going to get up one day and go to the justice of the peace; heck, may get married tomorrow ;) - it's just the way we are... In the moment enough to enjoy ourselves and enjoy our lives.

OP, Learn from GrnTea and others, including myself...don't deny those red flags-we don't know him, but that behavior you suggest is very, disconcerting- and invest in what you are doing; I also agree with GrnTea to speak to a professional and work on the internal issues; if he is possessive, as you state, it will not do your spirit well during this stressful progressive positive growing pain by having someone add to the pile and put you in a position that will stunt your personal growth; it will help to determine your next course of action regarding him, even if your relationship need to take a break, for YOU to be YOU successfully. :yes:

We wish you the best...(((HUGS))) we really do! :yes:

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