Things Patients Have Taught Me NOT To Do

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Never....NEVER...cut a potato in half and use it as a pessary! :eek:

Anybody got anything to add?

Specializes in LTC, CPR instructor, First aid instructor..
Did I mention that I love this thread? :D

Here are more "gems" I have personally encountered:

...when you can't pee, don't wait THREE days before telling anyone about it, or else you might wind up in the ER where they insert a foley and drain 4.5 LITERS of urine from your grossly-distended bladder. If you do decide to do this, you might wind up keeping that foley for quite a while. :uhoh3:

...when you're in a semi-private telemetry room and the patient in the next bed goes into v-fib arrest and the code team rushes in to code the guy, don't scream "Where's my grape juice? You said you would bring me more grape juice!" at the nurses. They're a tad too busy at the moment to address your "urgent" request. :banghead:

...don't *repeatedly* insist on defecating in the trash can in your hospital room instead of in the toilet (that's actually closer to your bed than garbage can!). [The worst part of this story was that the patient's husband was "helping" her to use the trash can as she was weak and wasn't supposed to be getting out of bed without a nurse, anyway. I repeatedly told the patient and her husband to CALL FOR HELP if she needed to get up, and that the trash can was NOT a commode! I was a brand new grad RN when this happened. Never, in my wildest dreams, did I think that I would ever have to explain that a toilet is the "preferred" place to deposit one's BM!]

Maybe she was afraid she would drown if she sat on the toilet? Pun intended....:D
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Specializes in LTC, CPR instructor, First aid instructor..
Say it again LOL! Trashcans, plants, water fountains...........none of these even closely resemble a toilet.
neither do sinks, and I have seen several men urinate in the sinks in their rooms. :down:
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Considering how germy they are, WHY would someone want a rodent up their rectum??

How germy which is? :lol2: I'd rather handle a gerbil than someone's sticky brown turd.

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Specializes in LTC, CPR instructor, First aid instructor..
How germy which is? :lol2: I'd rather handle a gerbil than someone's sticky brown turd.
Poor rodent. What a horrible experience for that poor animal.
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Specializes in LTC, assisted living, home-care.
Poor rodent. What a horrible experience for that poor animal.

I agree. Talk about animal cruelity.....:eek:

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DO NOT make "I haven't been able to see out of my eye for 2 weeks" #3 on your list of what are you here for today

DO NOT whine and cry to be seen as a walk-in at the end of the day, list 100 million problems, let the poor provider (yours truly) work you up, and write you a prescription, then leave without the prescription or completing lab work... then come back tomorrow wanting to be seen

DO NOT keep "forgetting" to pick up the prescription to treat your horrible lady partsl infection that you have had now for 4+ years

DO NOT yell at me from the waiting room "why did you make me come back! I don't want to be here!" when I am closely following you so you don't die from your drug resistant infection

DO NOT ask for Vicodin to treat the pain of lady partsl discharge. I will not give it to you. You will be angry.

DO NOT tell me that our resources for your transportation are "unacceptable." You are welcome to petition the state to provide more for people in your situation.

DO NOT ask me how you can finish your GED. I do not know. They did not teach me that in nursing school.

DO NOT be completely noncompliant with your appointments and medication, then show up randomly, angry with me that I haven't "done more for you" and that you do not feel good

DO NOT leave messages on my phone: "I'm sick! Call me!". I have other patients and may not know who you are just from hearing your voice. I know this may be hard to believe.

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Specializes in critical care, home health.

Ahhhhhh, good old CHF.

If you have CHF and an EF of like 10%, DO NOT eat an entire jar of pickles, then wait 3 days while you become horribly sick and short of breath and edematous and dying, then decide to drive to the ER.

If you have actively bleeding esophageal varices (again) and experience projectile vomiting of bright red blood, do not try to drive yourself to the ER.

If you are a big, strong man who could not POSSIBLY have any health problems as evidenced by the fact that you've never once gone to the doctor, do not refuse to tell your wife (or anyone else) that you've been having crushing chest pain for two days, along with shortness of breath and diaphoresis and nausea and vomiting. When your wife finally gets you to confess that you've been experiencing these symptoms, don't refuse to go to the ER because you've never been sick in your life and never had to go to the doctor.

If you've just had a heart cath and had a stent or two placed in important locations, don't "forget" to take your Plavix.

If you're a morbidly obese lady who has diabetes but won't admit to it, don't wait for the infected place on your buttock to spread to your orifice, colon, lady parts, and uterus. This little infection could be gas gangrene. And when you do finally come to the ER because you've been "falling down a lot", don't neglect to mention the gigantic infection thing to the ER staff. They'll find out, and it will show up vividly on your CT scan.

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Specializes in Family Practice.

eww...:eek:

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Specializes in Pediatrics.

Do not be an uncontrolled diabetic P4G0 pregnant with a too large baby for dates requiring daily home care visits. When my nurse shows up to give your insulin do not be waterlogged from drinking two gallons of water within a couple hours span of time and eating a pound of grapes. We will call your doctor and tell him we can't pick up fetal movement on the monitor, (then don't casually mention you haven't felt him move in 'a day or two') you will get sent into ED, and you probably will be admitted. No, ma'am, you can't smoke weed when you're on the unit and we guarantee they will keep you until your sugars are controlled and you and your baby are out of harms way... (ie, indefinitely or until your baby's birth... :uhoh3:)

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Specializes in OR, OB, EM, Flight, ICU, PACU.......

Here's a military twist to some previous posts:

1. No matter how well you scored on your previous PT (physical training) test, if you run from the MP K-9 unit, it will not go well for you!

2. Never shower with pointed vegetables, shampoo bottles or tool handles; thye could find their way into your rectum without your knowledge. (Never could figure any of those out)

3. If you are trying to commit suicide, semi-annual rifle range training is not the time or place.

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Specializes in IMCU/Telemetry.

Don't know of he actually got admitted (or even got to the ER) but it happened on hospital grounds.

If you get drunk and wander around a hospital multi level parking lot naked during shift change, and manage to scare the heck out of a lot of nurses, expect to be confronted by security, and then be arrested. He was carted off in an ambulance so I don't know if he was taken to the er (we had a few drunks in, and I was watching from the window).

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Lessons learned from working in corrections...

Never take other people's meds, even if they promise it will help you sleep.

Never fight the cops, then fight the CO, then fight the Nurse. You will wind up loosing.

Never jump off the top tier to lay the ground work for a psyc defense (poor outcome)

Never swallow your glasses.

Banging your head against the wall is a bad idea to cure a head ache.

The best fighter in the jail is the shower...3,987 and 0.

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