my story...

Published

So I am writing this in hopes that there will be something said that keeps me hanging on for another day. I won't go into the whole legal situation of what I am dealing with now but I will say a few months ago I was working my job on a busy med-surg/telemetry floor on the busiest and probably most understaffed floor of our Trauma 1 and largest hospital in the state. I had a patient who had a medication prescribed by a physician who probably was suffering from an immense amount of fatigue and it wasn't communicated between various teams that were providing care for him, and the medication was started by me. There are many circumstances revolving around this decision including not only the doctor ordering it, verifying it, but also the team of trauma doctors on her side, the pharmacist, and finally, that last safety net, me. I called in and talked to in person the attending consulting physician with this patient that day who later on in the Root Cause Analysis (RCA) claimed she never saw the order in the MAR or it physically hanging and she "always checks this". Well the charting proved differently but nonetheless even after the autopsy proved otherwise 2 months later, I still felt responsible. I felt this way for 2 months and just because the autopsy proved otherwise it didn't go away. I had sought out a Primary Care Physician and Psychologist with the help of my manager to help me through this time. While it helped, I don't think there is anything that could have stopped me from feeling responsible. Anyway, after a long FMLA leave of absence since I knew it wasn't safe for me to take care of patients in that state, I came back to a horrible shift of 5 aggressive and very agitated patients, 2 of which required sitters, and I made a mistake of overlooking putting wasted vials of IV ativan in my pocket. They were empty, we have double rooms and during the night (which most of the the time I work days but my PTO had run out so I worked a day shift and then picked up a night ) if the room is close to the nursing station, sometimes I put the vial in the larger sharps container there. This is what I meant to do and due to the craziness of the shift, I forgot.

I understand that people will probably think I am just denying my problem, but I am not doing that and believe me nothing you say is going to make me feel worse than I am already feeling. I know just having the vials made me eligible for termination, I know I screwed up hugely. I actually had been prescribed Ativan after the incident happened and will admit there were nights I would take one and it wouldn't be enough to suppress the anxiety so I would drink something with it, but I was prescribed it and I know this isn't the appropriate use for it but that is when I came clean with my therapist and have been seeing them very frequently to help with everything. If you have anything negative to say please don't comment, I've had barely any support and I have done my research, I know what you think of a story like mine. I'm not asking you to believe me but maybe have some guidance on what I should do next? I have hired a lawyer and self-reported and just waiting. Should I even try to apply for jobs? Is it a hopeless case? Right now I don't feel like there is any coming back from this but want to assure myself that I did try everything in my power. Thank you!

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My heart goes out to you. I am sorry you are dealing with so much at once. Nurses work under such stressful conditions with so many competing priorities we are all vulnerable to being found in similar situations.

When I self-reported for alcohol abuse in Texas, TPAPN required clearance to return to work. I had already enrolled in outpatient rehab so it merely involved getting a signature from the addictionologist. TPAPN requires job approval by my case manager and a contract plus other paperwork.

You mentioned that you self-reported but not to whom. Some states have programs for nurses who may not have substance abuse problems. Read over carefully the requirements of whatever program in which you have enrolled. They should have sent you some information. If not, get in touch with them. Good luck to you.

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Specializes in Clinical Research, Outpt Women's Health.

I am so sorry. I hope everything works out well for you.

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Welcome to the site. You will find that ssome are here for addictions issues and some are here for psych issues. First- congratulations on taking these issues on head on. Youve already done so much for yourself. It sounds like you are battling both depression and anxiety- both of which require time to heal. Despite everything- believe me when I tell you it does get better. The rigors of this process will end with you being a better, stronger person. Have faith in that. The beginning of this road is always the hardest- practice being patient with yourself.

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I self reported to my board of nursing. Right now I am waiting and just evaluating to see what is even worth doing since as a result of everything that happened I not only lost my job but my place to live and some very "close" friends. I fear that my license will get taken away so it is not worth applying for jobs just to be fired and the financial troubles that are about to come my way because this was so unexpected are overwhelming. Thank you for your responses.

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Find a job you might enjoy outside of nursing- idle hands are the devils playground. I've held a couple different jobs. Truly- you are going to have to wait for their response which could be weeks to months depending on their load. If you have an alternative program in your state your BON will probably refer your case to them. These things don't always move fast. Just so you know- last October I lost my job, my apartment, a relationship, friends....but here almost a year later i am okay, happy, at peace, no shame :). I got happy at about 3 months, found peace somewhere around 4, and lost my shame at around 7 months. I am genuinely okay in the truest sense of the word. Nothing has been terrifying as I make it out to be in the confines of my own mind. Each step has taught me a new lesson- and always a good one provided I am open and willing to reframe my own troubled mind.

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I am sorry you are going through this.

I am not getting the gist of why you self-reported. Due to your taking Ativan with ETOH at home?

Never the less, if you can get involved in a 12 step group in addition to your counseling you may find more support.

Best wishes, and I agree with the pp--if you can find a job outside of nursing to get by, I would do so.

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I self reported because I was terminated from my employment, which I am required to report to the BON.

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Specializes in Emergency Room, Trauma ICU.
I self reported because I was terminated from my employment, which I am required to report to the BON.

I'm having a hard time following your story. You had empty vials of Ativan in your pocket that had been appropriately wasted and were fired? What was the official reason for firing? Does everyone who is terminated in your state have to notify the BON? I've never heard of that before. What did you report to them?

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Yes. They didn't really give me a reason for the termination but having the vials was a violation of company policy so I am assuming that is it. Yes everyone who is terminated in my state has to notify the BON. I reported that I had them, offered to take a drug test, was never granted it, and terminated, didn't really go into any detail incase it would make my case worse off.

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Specializes in Emergency Room, Trauma ICU.
Yes. They didn't really give me a reason for the termination but having the vials was a violation of company policy so I am assuming that is it. Yes everyone who is terminated in my state has to notify the BON. I reported that I had them, offered to take a drug test, was never granted it, and terminated, didn't really go into any detail incase it would make my case worse off.

How did they not give you a reason for termination? What does your paperwork say? The story is just confusing. I know you're holding back details, which I totally understand, it just seems...off.

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I was asked to sign a paper that just said I had the vials and they were documented as wasted at the pyxsis.. no other information was given to me. I know that having that vials on me was enough of a reason for them.

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