Starting New Life, Overwhelmed Need Advice

saltymermaid, ADN · Nov 14, 2021

4.5 years of mom/baby experience is plenty enough to get a travel job!! Start contacting travel companies! Travel nursing is huge right now with so many nurses leaving their workplace or nursing altogether due to covid and mandates.

allnurses Guide · Nov 14, 2021

You can go online and find resume services, I once had mine done by a company that advertized on Monster.com,Ithink I paid $45 but that was 15 years ago. I suspect you could get one done for around $100.00.

I'm not sure what led to your divorce but when my husband wanted a divorce for younger pastures and found out I was entitled to sue for a protion of his Retirement/pension and social security he started working on what he had. Since that ship has sailed and the divorce is final you can still demand something back on your investment of 24 years.

Moving to another state could be a very good move especially if it helps your kids with in-state college tuition., but do carefully research cost of living before you move. Higher wages may be an indication of higher COL. Traveling may be a very good way to figure out where yu want to end up.

Good luck to you.

Hppy

StartingFreshin21 · Nov 14, 2021

Wait, what??? Would you mind going into that a little more? The part about I can still get something out of the retirement/pension??? is that what you are saying? I was in a terrible state and I had nothing in me to fight with. I let it all go. He thinks that giving me 350/month alimony for 3 years until our youngest is 18 is generous. That and he took all of his 75,000 student loan debt. He did walk away and give me everything as far as stuff in the house, but the truth is told he didn't want it or to deal with it and there was really nothing of value. I have our two youngest sons ALL the time (which I am grateful for) but he only pays child support for the one under 18. My older son still needs some support and help to get life started, he wasn't even out of highschool until this past Spring. We had just built our "final home" and moved in 6 weeks earlier when, 3 days before Christmas, he told me he wasn't happy and wanted a divorce. Yes there was someone else and yes she was much younger, (but he didn't sleep with her until the divorce was final, so he didn't cheat) ? Anyway you don't need all my drama here but I went through quite the Hell and was in no condition to fight for anything at the time and he had the divorce filed and closed by April. Then in June he apparently woke up and realized he'd thrown away everything good in his life (after she dumped him) and he still desperately wants me back, but isn't willing to commit to splitting "His" pension and 401K with me. ?? Anyway, I just need get as far from him as possible. A bit part of why I am looking at moving to the area I am is because cost of living is much better and I can buy and invest in a house as well as get paid more. I have got to start doing something now, I don't really have time to waste. Anyway thank you for your response and If you have any input/experience as to how one could possible still get what they were entitled to even after its all done, I'd greatly love and appreciate to hear about it!

LovingLife123 · Nov 14, 2021

You should have never walked away with so little. I get you were in a bad place but didn’t your lawyer fight for you?

Yes. I would do some local travel if possible and start putting away money. Never ever become financially dependent on a man again. Even if you were to say get back with your ex in a year, keep your money separate for your protection. I also thought child support went until 19?

please tell me he’s carrying their insurance at least?

amoLucia · Nov 14, 2021

CIVIL SERVICE

I re-read your post & realize that your exp is Mat/CH and that's not a civil service specialty. But if you might consider a switch???

You're looking for stability and roots. You can't argue with CS. Money's not the best-est greatest, but the benefits, educ assist, longevity, holidays & PTO, union prot, job stability, etc. There usually is good pension & good health care, esp family cov.

Now that the shock of the divorce has eased a bit, you need to consider again retaining a family services/divorce lawyer who can view your situation with new & clear vision. I understand a fair & equitable settlement, but you may qualify & deserve more. You don't want to 'scare off' your ex to make him 'run & hide'. But you might be eligible/entitled for more, or maybe the kids are, esp continued educational & health care coverage.

I'm not too sure about 'travelling'. I know a lot of folk tout it like it's the next best thing to white bread. But you're still on jiggly wiggly footing re career, home stability, kid care, educ (BSN?). Maybe after a little while, or if CS is not your thing.

Personally, I don't know much about compact licenses. You'll need to really research esp if you're thinking 'travelling'. Now my brain is reeeeeal fuzzy re federal CS, but ANY state license might qualify you. (But really, check this out!)

Good luck to you.

StartingFreshin21 · Nov 15, 2021

Thanks for all the feedback, I appreciate your thoughts/comments. My entire marriage everything was ours, we never separated anything it was all joint. I really didn't expect divorce. He had the pension and 401K because he was nearly 20 years into his law enforcement career (which is enough to retire at 50 percent for the pension) We were talking about retirement next year and he would probably start a second career or something because law enforcement just isn't a great place to be these days. Anyway I raised the kids and worked part time jobs most of our marriage and always took care of EVERYTHING house and kids. As my kids got older I decided to go for the nursing career I had always wanted and jumped in. I am only 4.5 years in and we just hadn't been comfortable yet and my salary was needed to get by. Because my company doesn't do much of a match on the 401K for the first few years, I didn't start it up and we just put it into his because we got more out of it. So yea, I really set myself up for this. I never even got an attorney, I didn't have the money for it and like I said I just was in a terrible place mentally and didn't want to fight. So he drew up the papers online and I reluctantly signed them. The only thing I really fought for was full custody of my Son. I just wanted my kids and for him to go away. Really it would be so much better if somehow someone could cut the legal bond of marriage and handle all the other stuff a year later, LOL. People would be in a much better position to do it at that point!

I love nursing, but I love working with Mama's and babies, it is just my niche. The reason I got into nursing to begin with. I love caring for my patients and I really don't want anything else. I want to enjoy what I do even more than I want to make money. Anywhere LD, post partum, nursery, NICU etc. I would like to be. I have worked closely with our NICU and I love it, I am anxious to expand my knowledge and skills one way or another. I would also really enjoy a LDRP unit where I can do more with antepartum and LD. Anywhere else, I really don't want to be. I don't even want management, I want to take care of patients. That is what I love and I really do value that more than the money. Although a person has got to live. I have been in management positions in other types of work and I can do it, but I don't want to. In starting fresh I really want to love life and live it the way I choose instead of the way I think I have to for someone else. I know this divorce is ultimately a blessing and now I get to make my life what I want it to be. It's just overwhelming for me to try to tackle everything I need to right now. But I do need to because at this point, the sooner, the better! So here I go, fingers crossed and living on a whole lot of faith LOL. I really do look forward to being free and happy. Just need to get through a few more hurdles and hopefully things will be better ? Advice and experience is always greatly appreciated!

allnurses Guide · Nov 15, 2021

I feel so much for you and your story. Still there is a chance that you can recover some marital assets since your ex was the major financial contributor while you managed the home and raised the children. Is there any chance you saw a mental health professional during that time who could attest to your inability at that time to cope with the stress of the divorce. A reasonbly competant divorce lawyer could draft a letter stating your intent to review your divorce agreement or give your ex a chance to meet with you and an arbitrator to come to a settlement that is fair and equitable.

You have to be up for a fight and I get it if you don't have that in you, but you have to think of your own future and the possibilty of having enough assets to care for your self should an emergency occur.

I know you say your 19 year old still needs some support but the reality of the situation is that he should start to support himself. If he lives at home and goes to school he should at least have a part time job to cover day to day expenses and contribute to groceries. This is the arrangement in our house and my 19 year old has been managing his own finances minus college tuition (Community College for now) which I gladly pay, since he graduated from high school. Seems his father comepletely mismanaged his college savings account. He is set to transfer to University next Winter and plans to study abroad which is actually cheaper than going to college in the US.

Again - Good luck to you.

Hppy

amoLucia · Nov 15, 2021

My past BF had a son with a son by a nutsy, witch of an ex-wife. Thru their divorce settlement, he became responsible for grandson's education & health care. Grandson remained in school 'til age 24 and his graduate degree. All that without ANY custodial/parental rights/visitations for Junior. But he continued to pay.

So, the recommendation stands for you to get a consult, at least. Esp to determine any eligibility re the pension/401. For what you MIGHT recoup, it appears worth it.

Don't have much to add since your heart is set on M/CH. I'm believing there must be some kind of positions avail thru state/federal health depts. That would take some research, but again, it might serve your desires.

StartingFreshin21 · Nov 15, 2021

Thank you! I appreciate all info/advice ?

**CommunityRNBSN, BSN, RN** · Nov 18, 2021

Edited: I just read more closely and now I understand that you didn’t have a lawyer. If there is any way you can scrape the money together, please consult with one now. Your husband screwed you over financially and I hate to see that.

Best of luck, this totally sucks, but nursing pays well and you have amazing experience. You’re strong enough to pull yourself through this!

LovingLife123 · Nov 19, 2021

OP, I wish I could have given you advice before you settled without a lawyer. I just want to give you all the hugs.

I never expected divorce either. But I fought. I learned the absolute hard way that the only person you can depend on is yourself. And I’m remarried in a wonderful marriage. But I’m independent now. I could survive without my husband. Barely. My standard of living would go way down and I’d have to not have a car payment, but I could do it. I also focus on saving my own money now as well.

Go for local contracts. It can be done. Get yourself in a good place financially. If it’s any consolation your ex is a loser and jerk!! ?

Starting New Life, Overwhelmed Need Advice

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