Spouse adjustment problems? HELP!

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I posted this in the graduate nurse forum, but I really feel like I need advice from experienced nurses also, as you may have been through this. Has anyone else had problems with their spouse or significant other adjusting to getting through nursing school? After 9 years of marriage, 4 years of school, (and we all know how hard THAT was, even with a supportive spouse), I am having the hardest time with my husband! Threatened by my success? He has a good job, makes decent money, we are not rich by any means, but now I will be making more than him, and it really seems to be blowing his socks off. I was just wondering if any one else had been through this and successfully managed to get through. I just graduated and passed my boards, I have a job but havent even started yet, and things are just rotten. And, it isnt like my husband doesnt know me, I could qualify as a flaming feminist, (I just think excess in any area is a bad thing), I have always had a strong personality, its not like he did not know this coming in.

I would just love some feedback, to know if any one else out there has or is going through this. The worst part is that my husband is not really chauvanist (spelling?) jerk. Unless he has been hiding it really well for 9 years. And with apologies in advance to the men out there, he IS still a man, and I dont want to hurt his ego. As matter of fact, some truthful responses from you men would be great, also! Why is this so hard, and how can I make it better? Without being a simpering idiot, of course.

I am really at my wits end, half of me just wants to be royally pissed off, but the other half knows that this will NOT help the situation at all. Any advice?Thanks in advance for any opinions or advice.

I think that change is really difficult for some people. The "what if's" take over when we think about it. Give it some time, hopefully it won't last long and he will be back to normal.

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I'm not married, but I wanted to put in my :twocents: worth here.

Yall can take it for what it's worth to ya or trash it, but at least read it.

My advice is to somehow, someway, however you want to do it in your relationship with your husbands, is to tell them or assist them to GET OVER this ego problem they have with your money.

I've been reading some books on Financial success for women, and it is a known fact that women USUALLY make less than men in GENERAL, and USUALLY outlive their husbands by 7 years.

If you take jobs that pay less just because of your husband's ego then you are hurting yourself and hurting YOUR social security benefits when you get to retirement age. That's not a good thing for you, when you start needing those benefits.

If your husbands have a big ego problem with your paycheck then maybe they need to go to school for 4 years, become nurses and make the same paycheck you do. Hey, it's not like the nursing profession couldn't use the help.

I'm not saying become a workaholic, either, and I'm not saying to ignore HIS needs, but you have to come to grips on this and so does he.

As a woman your future could depend on it, and I'm sure all of you want your husbands there with you until you turn 90, but statistics say different.

My own father died in his early 40's, of a major MI, leaving my mother with 3 little kids to raise. My very best friend's husband died of a major MI when he was 53, leaving HER at that late age to plan for HER future alone. IT HAPPENS.

Just don't let his ego be the sole deciding factor about your future.

Just my :twocents:

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My husband has been very supportive while I am going to school. I work full time while going to school, and I have made more money than him for most of our marriage. Until the beginning of 2006 when he got a promotion, and now he makes 2.00 more an hour than I do. Guess what, I started to have a problem with him making more money than I did because for so long I was the major breadwinner. But our plan was for me to work and go to school until his promotion came through, then I would quit my job and go to school full time to complete the nursing program. Isn't it funny that I was the one with the problem. I had to step back and "check" myself because this is the way we planned it. Remeber ladies, the men aren't the only ones with egos (not that anyone here has been unreasonable) I am just trying to help remind everyone that we all have insecurities...when they come out in others we should do all that we can to build people up and make them feel better without jeopardizing our own egos/well being.

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and, it isnt like my husband doesnt know me, i could qualify as a flaming feminist, (i just think excess in any area is a bad thing), i have always had a strong personality, its not like he did not know this coming in.

normally i would just say sit him down and have a heart to heart. remind him the money is "our" money not just yours. however, the above statement leads me to think that there may be a little bit more to this story. care to explain what's really going on????

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Specializes in Med-Surg, LTC, Rehabiliation Nursing.

Thanks so much for the advice everyone, I have felt so many different ways about this, such as 'hit the door' and 'but marriage is a sacred commitment'. Hanging on for the ride at this point, I will keep you posted. It is sooo nice to have this forum to talk to. No one else can really understand what I am going through except other nurses. I have friends from school but they are all just as busy as I am, and being able to get up and post in the middle of the night, then come and see multiple answers and advice is great. (I am a libra so I tend to weigh ALL angles. sometimes ad nauseum)

THANKS!

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Specializes in 5 yrs OR, ASU Pre-Op 2 yr. ER.

There's a difference between being needed and being wanted. Sounds to me like he's insecure about being needed, making him wonder if he's wanted.

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Specializes in Med-Surg, LTC, Rehabiliation Nursing.

Ooops, missed that last post. Yah, there is more going on. My husband and I had major upheaval after the death of his mother. I think major depression on his part. But I bought a minivan because the vehicle I was in was unsafe, and he kept putting it off and putting it off. Dont believe he has ever forgiven me. Bruised his male ego something fierce. We fought at the dealship. We went through h##l, counseling, ect. My husband is very passive aggressive, and I was very aggressive instead of assertive. 3 years of counseling and 4 years of nursing school has helped me hugely with this issue. Not that I would change what I did, cuz he is a procrastinator and the issue was safety, my childrens, but after 9 years of marriage and maturing on my part, I could have done it a better way. Still, whats done is done, and if he really hasnt forgiven me and now the adjustment to my new nurse status is too much, what am I to do? I am going to try some of the suggestions posted, and if it is still leftover resentment, well, I can take care of myself and my children now. It is very hard to deal with passive aggressive behavior, even more so when you can diagnose it, calmly try to talk about it, ect. ect....Soooo...... Seriously, where do I go from here? I have to be very aware of how I say things to him, both tone of voice and content. It is tough sometimes, but that is the way it is with patients, instructors, docs, coworkers. I just wish I didnt feel like I had to edit everything with my husband, you know? Like, after all this time, shouldnt we be friends, or closer, something? Or am I just an idiot to keep trying.

theres the whole sordid story

Sigh. This is supposed to be the best time of my life.

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Specializes in ORTHOPAEDICS-CERTIFIED SINCE 89.

Lessons I have learned about men.

You never understand them nor they you all the time. Some of the time you are correct and he is wrong. Some of the time he is correct and you are wrong. Sometimes you are both right or wrong at the same time. I say this will all the compassion I can muster. I have been with and married to the same man for 41 years yesterday, and wow it's been a wild trip.

He may feel inferior because your pay will be higher than his...big deal. He may have a M-F job and guess what....... as a nurse YOU WON'T.

Do not mistake worldly objects....minivan, clothes, jewelry etc for what is really important. This is all I know about men and marriage and I guess it works at least for me.

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Specializes in primary care, pediatrics, OB/GYN, NICU.

Kristy, sometimes those "passive-agressive" types are really good at getting their way by being pouty and manipulative. It's their way or the highway and God help you if you make 'em mad 'cause they will never forgive you (and it can be over any little thing). Having to walk on eggshells all the time with the person you should be able to be most at ease with, safe with and comfortable with is very stressful mentally and physically. I am speaking from experience. I was married to such a man for 16 years and wore myself out trying to please him. But it was never enough. I gave up my dream of nursing until my divorce from him. Thank God that man left me to raise three small children alone. Thank God he left me for his blond secretary. Then she had to deal with his temper tantrums! I am totally serious. My life changed for the better after he was gone. I didn't realize how miserable me and my kids were until he was gone. It was like a heavy dark cloud had lifted. At that point I was able to get myself back to school to become a nurse. I have remarried a wonderful man and we have been together for six years. He is normal, not perfect. But now I see what a bad vs healthy relationship is. Yes, all relationships have their ups and downs, but they are temporary and couples can work through them if they are mature, mentally healthy individuals. Do what you need to do.

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Kristy I don't think you should apologize for making the decision to purchase a vehicle for safety reasons. It doesn't sound like you were being overly aggressive either. If you two have been through conseling and tried to work this and other issues out for years then I don't know what else you can do. Are you serious about your husband holding a grudge for years because you bought a van for the family? Maybe the underlying issue is his grief over his mother's death and he used the van situation as a "vehicle" to vent his grief. Did this purchase cause you to go bankrupt and lose everything? Either way sounds like enough time for him to get over himself. Focus on your daughters and congratulations on your new nursing career!

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Specializes in Utilization Management.

I wonder what would've happened if you gave in to your wild side and bought....a Porsche. :devil:

Now THAT I could say would be totally selfish. But a MINIVAN?

Puhhh---leeeeeeeeze. :lol2:

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